This morning I wasn't feeling well so I laid in bed a lot longer than usual, of course I played on my phone and I was on YouTube, I saw an interview with a singer I adore and I loved how real she was and she explained where a great deal of her music came from.. and how therapeutic it had been to write and sing those songs that ended up helping her to move on. It made me think of writing and how it has helped me over the years through one challenge after another.
When I first started writing in 2009, I did it to get my voice back after Andrey had raped me... I rarely wrote and I thought of it more as an online journal. I would think it was 'just' a blog... it wasn't until I had to deal with the pain of losing David that I really put my heart into my writing... still I would think what do I have to say that could ever reach someone else? Then last month one of the blogs I follow suggested that her readers share their older content on social media... so I started doing it, with it I started rereading many posts.
Some of them I would cringe at and think how could I have been so naive? Although my writing has evolved over time, many of them still touched me today, I can see how what I wrote could touch someone else, as it still resonated with me. We each have challenges we have to get through that we are so certain we won't be able to... I think it's important to own my stories and be real so that others that read my words will know there is a way out of the darkest times of our lives. I can honestly tell you, I wasn't sure there was many times over the past couple of years... but through this blog and many of you sharing your thoughts and feelings with me openly helped me to believe.
As well, it made me want to continue to open up... if others could help me, why could I not help others? This morning I reread a post that I wrote about a year ago and cried (in a good way)... I realized I am a good writer. In my own way I have the ability to reach out and touch people with my words. Is it scary to say that? It is because I am sure many people won't believe that, however; I have come to the point in my life that I need to own who I am .... Not everyone is going to like me and that is more than okay, I just need to be my best self and love me for who I am.
Fear does a lot of damage in our lives when we let it, the older I get the less I am afraid to be myself and say what I feel. It's a process getting there and do wish it hadn't taken me as long as it did... but I got there. Or I should say I am getting there, it is an evolution... learning more each day to get me to the next level. A couple of years ago, I thought about deleting many of the entries I had written but I decided they were a part of me, a part of my growth... and I am grateful that I didn't throw them away.
Besides, I was only going delete them to appease another person, then I read a quote that made me think, I knew then, keeping my earlier writings was the right thing to do... The quote went like this 'You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.' What I wrote was what happened to me, my feelings, my thoughts... I was just owning my story. . .
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