Turning A Corner To Loving Myself No Matter What

I ended up having a great walk/jog last night... so much so that once it cools down I'm going for another one tonight.  Last nights exercise was for one point seven miles, I would love to go for the full two miles.  I can only do these in the evening or on the weekends as I carry a backpack to work which makes it uncomfortable to jog while wearing it...

I not only did that walk/jog last night, I did the two miles tonight... it was awesome.  I think I am becoming an exercise junky... I love the adrenaline and how strong I feel... I also know that  with the added exercise I am incorporating into my life that it means I will be gaining muscle which will mean that I might slow down on the weight loss but it will help me to burn calories better.  Regardless, there is no turning back now, I know that I can do this, it is all within my reach... the only one that can stop me is me.

I was feeling overwhelmed last night and my mind/body/soul ... that small voice we have inside wasn't enjoying the emotions I had to feel.  The first thing I thought was why not do this?  Why not do that?  You don't have to feel this, there is a way out of these feelings.  I thought long and hard about opting out of feeling, not wanting to have to deal with the painful thoughts that were there.  Then I threw on my yoga pants, my tank top, grabbed my phone and went for a walk/jog... It felt good... it didn't stop the sad feelings but it felt good not to fall into the old traps I used to fall into.

Every single day is a battle for me as I am sure it is for everyone else... everyday I think it would be easier to just give up, give in... Thankfully, there is something inside me that is pushing me this time, telling me I can do it, I can succeed... Going backwards might mean I would never move forward again.  Although moving forward is hard, really hard... the hardest thing I have ever done, I am doing it.

I had a really long talk with my sister today and she asked me some tough questions, the same things she asked herself... why do we think so little of ourselves that we accept less then we deserve?  She wonders if it is because we felt so ignored by our father growing up, we wanted him to notice that our ex step mother Ruth was abusing us and he seemed so oblivious to it all... like we didn't matter.  We all had our ways of trying to get his attention, trying to make him see that we needed him to protect us.  We didn't know then that he was so damaged himself that he was incapable of seeing how much we were hurting.

Even as an adult I can see now that he just wasn't capable of seeing his surroundings, he was in pain too... he used drugs, alcohol, food and women to cover all the pain he was carrying inside.  Unfortunately we as little girls didn't understand that and we all kept trying to make some man love us, surely if some man could love us, we were worthy of love... Through the years with counseling and self growth, I have come to love myself and realize that no man would ever love me unless I were to love myself.

I think that was why losing my David was so difficult, I had come to a point in my life that I loved myself and felt that it was really possible for someone to love me too... Then he didn't love me either and I started going backwards but none of it felt good... none of it covered the pain... I had to deal with it... and it was so hard, I had to come to a point in my life that I had to continue to love myself no matter what...  I realized that it was David's loss for not seeing how wonderful we could be together... how much we could enrich each others lives.

I am worth loving, I deserve to be loved... I love myself and I am not going to forget that... that little girl inside me may still feel lost at times and may feel that I need to do anything possible to cover the pain but I will not let her pain be mine.  I will love her until she loves herself...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥