You And I, Always Almost

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I had a pretty good week, a little less walking than I wanted to do but I have to remember that I am not a machine, just because my mind wants me to walk all the time, does not mean it is always a good thing.  So, I did take a little time off to work with my physiotherapist and my knees are beginning to feel a little better.  She is sure with time and some simple exercises I will be able to run up and down stairs again in the near future.  Friday was weigh in day for my 10th week of the contest, there is just one week left, I managed to lose 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 33.4 pounds.  Here is the funny thing, when I first got weighed I was a little disappointed that it was only 1.6 pounds... as I had time to process it through the day I realized how silly I was being.  I was in awe that at the 10 week mark I am still losing a good amount of weight... I am 50 years old, I am not in my twenties when it was easy to lose weight... however; I never lost any weight in the past, this healthy. 

I know many people who would love to lose as much weight as I have in the short amount of time... I not only lost the weight, I have lost the inches.  Everyone is telling me how great I am looking, I am feeling better and better about myself.  The two sisters that I grew up with are smaller than me, yet my baby sister said to me today, maybe if I can lose another 25 pounds, I can be happy... I looked at her and said, how about being happy with yourself now?  You have lost 50 pounds and you look amazing... She then said, I guess I should have said happier than I am now.  Well, I am happy with my weight loss, I see the difference, I feel great... I don't want to stop here by any means as I want to be healthy.  However; losing more weight will not make me any happier, it will make me healthier. 

Anyhow, what I really wanted to write about was how hard it is to know that I have met my soul mate and that it was at the wrong time, it seems like my David and I have almost always been together at different times in our lives... I only bring this up as my sisters and I were at the beach today and they were both trying to get me to date again.  I told them I am not ready and I am not sure when I ever will be... they laughed and told me that the best way to get over one man was to start dating another man...  I don't think that is the way for me to get over David, I think the best thing I can do is work on myself to become the best me.  I don't think jumping in and out of relationships is the way for me to handle a broken heart.  I am healing, I am happier than I have been in a very long time, it all takes time with me... dating someone new at this moment in my life would just mess me up and mess up another person.  For once in my life, I don't want to use bad methods to work through sadness... I want to work through the sadness with good things.  

Things like exercising, eating healthy, attending church... mostly loving myself...  I can't see how dating someone new would make any of these better?  Sometimes it is best to be alone and process things like a broken heart.  It is not like I am sitting in my room crying day after day or using things to cover the sadness.  I am getting out daily, walking and running... I have not watched TV for 10 weeks, I have not even blogged on a daily basis... I am working on me, I am pushing my body to become the best that it can be and in the process I am working through a lot of emotional issues that in the past I would bury my head in the sand and try to forget about.  At least now I don't get on the bus and sob away all the way to work, nor do I sit in my cubicle at work crying like I used to... I am living my life actively and I am dealing with things better than I ever did. 

Saying all this, I do get sad about David from time to time... I know that I will never meet anyone that compares to him, we fit together perfectly, we laughed at the same jokes, I trust him with anything.  I have told him secrets that I never told anyone else, he never broke those secrets and he told me things he never told anyone else, I would never tell them to anyone ever... My David was not my first love, he was my true love, he is my soul mate... David and I have always been almost... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥