I Will Be Me

 

It's been a long time since I sat down to write, I lost my muse ... it was easier to veg out in front of Netflix and binge watch show after show. If I did that, I didn't have to think about what I was doing with my life, I haven't been able to really stand up and say what I was thinking or feeling... One because pain messes you up more than I ever could have imagined, it makes you someone who can barely think of anything else. I keep chasing the next idea that supposedly has helped this person or that person but I ultimately end up back where I started.

Also, the last couple of weeks has brought back the rape as I am sure many women (people) are dealing with the past... you are so sure you dealt with it, then you hear people belittle the survivors and it opens every wound. If people could just understand how difficult it is to come forward and tell their story, it took me over a year to lay charges and then I was in limbo until we had to go to court... that was like being raped all over again... I saw no empathy. He ended up getting away with it, the only reason he had to spend time in jail was because I lost it when they said they would let him out on timed served, I was able to give a victim impact statement... Finally, he ended up spending a year in jail on top of what he'd already served.

All too often, men get away with the assault or rape, we see it over and over and as women we wonder if it is worth it to be treated like we are liars and to feel the pain all over again. I think there is a shift with the #metoo movement and I think it is about time. Until we feel we are seen, heard and believed, nothing will change. I think we all need to share our stories, nothing is too small, we need to show everyone that we are strong, stronger than our pasts and that we stand together in unity with each other.

I've also been thinking about how I gave up my writing, something I love so much, whether out on the blog or privately, it is my place to write my truths, my pain, my joys... somewhere I can lay everything out, it is usually with the writing that the answers I have looked for have come to me... I feel like writing it out seems to show me the paths I have in front of me, they become more clear and I can make more informed choices. I often felt like writing but it meant putting stress on getting back into blogging fully. I don't know if I can handle that all at once but I will pick it up slowly again... Even though blogging seems to have slowed down a great deal in the past couple of years, I will always write, even if it's just for me...

It is Fall time in Nova Scotia, that perfect walking weather... I am going to purchase a walker so that I can get around a little, I am housebound and I have been holding off with the walker because I feel like it makes me feel like I am 80 but if I don't so something right now, when I am 80 I will be stuck in a bed all the time... I don't want that, I need to get my mobility back I need to not care what anyone else thinks...

I hope I can get around and visit everyone in the next week or so, I know many of you have left blogging and that will be a bit sad for me but life changes for us, things that are important at one time in our lives has to take a back seat to the new things that are going on.  My new motto is I Will Be Me...

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Owning My Story

This morning I wasn't feeling well so I laid in bed a lot longer than usual, of course I played on my phone and I was on YouTube, I saw an interview with a singer I adore and I loved how real she was and she explained where a great deal of her music came from.. and how therapeutic it had been to write and sing those songs that ended up helping her to move on. It made me think of writing and how it has helped me over the years through one challenge after another.

When I first started writing in 2009, I did it to get my voice back after Andrey had raped me... I rarely wrote and I thought of it more as an online journal. I would think it was 'just' a blog... it wasn't until I had to deal with the pain of losing David that I really put my heart into my writing... still I would think what do I have to say that could ever reach someone else? Then last month one of the blogs I follow suggested that her readers share their older content on social media... so I started doing it, with it I started rereading many posts.

Some of them I would cringe at and think how could I have been so naive? Although my writing has evolved over time, many of them still touched me today, I can see how what I wrote could touch someone else, as it still resonated with me. We each have challenges we have to get through that we are so certain we won't be able to... I think it's important to own my stories and be real so that others that read my words will know there is a way out of the darkest times of our lives. I can honestly tell you, I wasn't sure there was many times over the past couple of years... but through this blog and many of you sharing your thoughts and feelings with me openly helped me to believe.

As well, it made me want to continue to open up... if others could help me, why could I not help others? This morning I reread a post that I wrote about a year ago and cried (in a good way)... I realized I am a good writer. In my own way I have the ability to reach out and touch people with my words. Is it scary to say that? It is because I am sure many people won't believe that, however; I have come to the point in my life that I need to own who I am .... Not everyone is going to like me and that is more than okay, I just need to be my best self and love me for who I am.

Fear does a lot of damage in our lives when we let it, the older I get the less I am afraid to be myself and say what I feel. It's a process getting there and do wish it hadn't taken me as long as it did... but I got there. Or I should say I am getting there, it is an evolution... learning more each day to get me to the next level. A couple of years ago, I thought about deleting many of the entries I had written but I decided they were a part of me, a part of my growth... and I am grateful that I didn't throw them away.

Besides, I was only going delete them to appease another person, then I read a quote that made me think, I knew then, keeping my earlier writings was the right thing to do... The quote went like this 'You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.' What I wrote was what happened to me, my feelings, my thoughts... I was just owning my story. . . 

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Writing Is Like Breathing To Me

It feels like a very long time since I have written, yet it has only been a couple of weeks... I am glad that I took the time for a variety of reasons, one I actually started getting a handle on my housework, it had began to be a problem. I still have a bit to do but I am on the right path. Two, I needed to think about if I wanted to write here again... I took the time to go through many of my blog posts, reading and sharing them. What I concluded from all of it was that although I may write about the same topic often, I have grown from it each time.

Nobody masters anything immediately, we learn a little more each time, be it about forgiveness, love, growth, challenges... etc... It is much like how I changed to become healthy by eating better and exercising. I found that with writing, it kept me accountable... these past two weeks I have been doing my own thing and feeling the effects from it. I want to change that, I want to get back on track and I knew with writing I could get there again... I wrote a thought down about a week or so ago and I thought about it a lot each day. 

I heard someone say how music was like breathing to them... I then wrote 'writing is like breathing to me'... I think we each have something that we are passionate about, something we love that makes us come alive... Well, writing is what does it for me. I remember when I was growing up and most of my family were artists and I thought, why didn't I get that awesome talent? I came to understand that this was their passion and mine came through writing my thoughts.

I don't pretend to think I am a great writer by any means but what I do have going for me is that I am open and honest about who I am and how I feel... I have had many people tell me how they appreciate and admire that in me... I never understood that it's not something that is easy to do until recently... each time I write it's like exposing a part of myself ... that isn't simple. 

When I started writing many years ago, something I had wanted to do for a long time, I had no idea that I would have so many people throughout the world that would care about what I was going through or what I have come through in my life. When I decided not to write and to think about if I wanted to continue, I offered for you all to connect with me in other ways and I was extremely touched with how many people reached out to me.

I've heard many people talk about the page views they have per day, the massive amounts of followers they have attained and how successful their blog has become... I realized that even if I don't have all of that I am successful in that I have wonderful people that really care about me throughout the world... besides the truth is that no matter what, I will always write because 'writing is like breathing to me.'

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Time For Me To Learn The Lesson

Before I start to write my thoughts today, I want to thank each of your for the kind and honest comments over the years. I have been incredibly grateful for having this form to get my thoughts out, whether they have been daily or weekly... whatever it was that I needed at the time. I love the blog community I am in, so much so that I have a great desire to meet so many of you... I believe one day that will be possible.

Saying all this... I have been thinking about not writing here, at least not where I publish it for anyone to read for a while. Why? Well when I started this blog in 2009 it was to deal with the aftermath of being raped by my ex husband, I had lost my voice in that relationship and I needed to write what I was feeling inside. I had changed a great deal in my marriage... I tolerated behavior that today I would never accept.  I didn't write a great deal for the first three years...my blog was more of a personal diary that a few people read which I didn't promote. It helped me just to get my thoughts out... then my life took a huge turn at the end on 2011.

David, the man I'd always had a crush on became interested in me, I was over the moon... I cannot begin to explain how joyful I felt. I had a permanent smile and I believed in us, there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be together. We had even discussed marriage, he came home for Christmas and it was amazing. However, he went home and in the new year he had a change of heart and I started writing almost daily to be able to handle the pain of losing us. It helped and I was working through a lot of the emotions, I had even got my head wrapped around eating healthy and exercising... I began to change my life for the good in the Summer of 2013.

Then that fateful day in September 2013 happened and I was changed permanently. I stopped sleeping and depression took over, I wondered if I would ever feel good or believe in anything again. I exercised even more... I started writing weekly and I found it was what I needed and all that I had time for... I came through most of that pain and found a way to move on... they were two of the most tumultuous years I had ever had to deal with... pain brings a growth that nothing else can.

Lately I wonder why I've continued to write? I'm not even sure I have the answer... part of me thought it was helping me but then I realized last week that I've been recycling my thoughts and not really learning from them, isn't that what writing a personal blog is about? Learning and then changing? I know that sometimes we learn a concept and a year later, we learn more about that concept. However; I feel like I am relearning the same concept over and over... 

I am going to take some time, real time to decide if I want to continue writing here, if I feel like writing can change me for the better I will be back. Until then I will continue to write for me because I need that... if any of you want to stay in contact with me, feel free to add yourself to my Facebook Launna Krivousov - Twitter @LaWannish - Instagram @launnak or Google+ Launna Krivousov. I love staying connected through social media. Also, although I will miss all your blogs I am taking time away from them too... I need to make some changes in my personal life as I have been feeling like I was spiraling out of control... I need to focus on me and Valentina... and hopefully learn the lesson...

I do know that I will be back to read and follow your blog posts after I have taken some time to get my life under control, I will miss you all a great deal, especially all of you who leave me such beautiful and heartfelt comments.

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Excuses Are Just Fears

I walked away from blogging for the past couple of weeks without saying anything, I wasn't sure that I was leaving; each day I was gone I wasn't sure when I was coming back ... I didn't know what to say. I sporadically commented on a few posts here and there but I didn't spend any significant time reading. I didn't know why until yesterday and then I was so busy that I didn't have a moment to write.

You all know that I am on my journey to be healthy, which to me entails more than just eating healthy and exercising but that is what I have been focused on for the past two months. I rarely if ever went over the calorie limit I had allowed for myself and I have been exercising a lot. In the month of July and August I walked over 190 miles each of those months... Already this month I have 30 miles... yet in 9 weeks I have only lost 9 pounds. I know that it is good that I lost and that slow weight loss is better but it is very hard to handle when I know that what I eat and what I exercise should show much better numbers on the scale.

Yes, I do feel a bit better with my clothing, however; inches are not coming off as easily either. . . So, I reached out to two people and they both gave me sound advise in that I have to change how I am exercising... you see I LOVE cardio, I could walk 6-8 miles a day if I had the time but apparently my body has become used to my exercise even though I have increased it greatly... I am going to watch a few videos and have some one on one training with a friend. 

I was disappointed in myself, I retreated inward and started working out even more... which ultimately didn't help, I even gained a half a pound. I know it doesn't sound like a lot but if you knew how many calories I ate and how many I expended, you might understand why I was frustrated. It was only yesterday that I realized going inward and exercising insanely wasn't helping, I needed to ask for help from people that I know are successful. I have talked about strength training for the past few years, putting in a tiny attempt here and there and coming up with excuse after excuse... I want those excuses gone now... I remember when I first started walking, it was NOT easy but I worked at it...

I have to do the same thing with getting stronger physically because as the saying goes, 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results' (Albert Einstein). My body is great at holding on to weight it thinks it needs... I have to retrain my body in other ways. I also need to say something here, I do not have any desire to be really skinny, slender or small... that isn't me, I love my curves, I am very happy with my body shape, I just know for me to be healthier that I should lose some more of the weight.

 Also, like I alluded to earlier, being healthy is not just losing weight and eating healthy... for me it is coming to terms with things in my life that are affecting how I feel. I honestly know what happiness is and how it feels, I have had that in many times in my life... and I was happy even when things were difficult... I know that happiness comes from within... I have not felt that for nearly 2 years, I want to feel happy again... so I am going to make many changes in the next few months, which of course I will talk about as I work on each goal.

Something that I honestly learned over the last few years is that until I am ready to make real changes in my life, I will have excuses for each of them... The real change comes for me when I confront each excuse and realize they were just fears... fears that I might fail... I might fail but I will never quit trying... one day I will succeed... 

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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It's Okay To Take A Break

I'm going to be taking a blog and social media break, there are a lot of things going on in my life. I need to figure out how to fit me back into the mix. I have been on the bottom of my list of priorities. As well, I've had a great deal on my mind and instead of dealing with it, I use blogging and social media to escape... but that is not conducive to dealing with any issue. As with everything, balance is the key... I haven't had balance for a very long time.

I know that it's not possible to be balanced all the time ... that is what challenges do, take you off balance to see how you deal with it... I don't always deal with it/them the way I want to.. I don't know how long I'll be gone ... not for good. I need to write, it's like breathing air for me and I love being connected with all of you. Many I'm happy to call friends... many I want to meet..

I will miss catching up with all of you, it's okay to take a break right? I'll be back soon, hopefully with some wonderful new insight. 

(Please feel free to email me if you want to at tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com)

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The Answer To My Trials Is 'Try Me'

I was waiting to write a post after my blog makeover was complete, I am just waiting for the new header, I won a make over from Kristina of Kaye Luxe Design by entering a contest through Anett from Bella Pummarola ... to say I was excited to win would not be a good enough word to convey how happy I was about it... I had been thinking how I needed to have an overhaul of my blog, as change can be really good. However; I did not have the money I needed to do this, nor the technical ability... so winning this made me see how blessed I was that the opportunity came about after I had been thinking about how I could make the changes. 

This week was also a difficult one for me, it found me using excuses... so much so that I couldn't even write, each time I sat down to write, I would find something else to do... Writing meant that I would have to admit that I was using excuses and I am not one that likes to admit that I have allowed a trial to win or control me. Some challenges are more difficult to deal with, especially the kind where I can't stand up and defend myself.

I am one of those people who wants to defend myself when I feel attacked, this trial had me frozen though, I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was not able to defend myself but as the week moved on, I knew that no amount of defending myself would change what was said or done to me... Sometimes it is true and that I have to let go, walk away and not look back because defending myself would just be giving it more power. 

Then I remembered the quote above and realized my best answer to this trial was not to say Why me?... it was to say Try me... I am not giving up on myself because of one petty trial or challenge... I am much stronger than that. We are starting another challenge at work to lose weight but really more to get healthy... I am using that to kick start this Spring into the Summer to become the best me. I have my Fit Bit that I am going to be using to keep track of my steps and keep my goals in line. 

Mostly, I am going to find solutions to each excuse that I have used this week and find a good way to deal with the next challenge that will come along... unfortunately that will happen, knowing it and being prepared is half the battle. Pretending it won't come along is burying my head in the sand and setting myself up for failure. I won't be failing, I will be succeeding...

From now on my answer to needing to defend myself against a trial is not going to be Why me?... it is always going to be Try me... 

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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I'm In The Zone‏

The other night I read a blog that inspired me... she was talking about missing that feeling of being in the zone with food and exercise. I empathized with her as I have not been in the zone for quite some time.  She then hoped she would find it soon... I told her we both could get it back since we both knew the feeling.

This being out of the zone thought wouldn't leave me though... The more that I thought of it, the more I knew that it was within me to be in the zone... 'I' had stepped outside and allowed one excuse after another for my food and my exercise choices. What makes me happy about all of this is that the life change I made is just that a life change... All I have to do is change.

I've been on my own this week... with that I have taken the time to clean out some cupboards and drawers... it's been wonderful purging. Then tonight I read about how we needed to make our goals known. So, I'm going to make a short list here. I've always known this is true but it's always good to be reminded when I seem to have forgot.

I have already stopped the excuses about food... I'm going to be planning my weekly meals out so that I will be set up for success.

I have found three people I can walk with, we just have to work out schedules... I walked for almost an hour with one girl last night. My neighbor has a dog I can take for good long walks. She will be my nightly companion when I have to walk on my own. I was able to get out with another person tonight, they really challenged me, I will have to walk with them more often.

Completing my courses.. on the way to starting that soon. Define a plan for my career with my company or possibly going outside the box.

My chapters for my book have been written, I need to organize them and proof read. I know how to put a sentence together... I just like writing the way I talk with family and friends. Which I know is not proper for a book. This probably won't happen until the new year, due to my courses.

I have other goals I'm going to leave for another post... I just feel wonderful being in the zone again.

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My Lovely Blog Makeover And The New Competition

So, I am finally getting a chance to write here, it has been a very busy week, first I have had a blog make over as most of you can see.  I am so very pleased with it, Nicole from Not Before My Tea had offered a few of her readers a free blog make over and I quickly responded as I have been wanting something cleaner and more up to date.  I have been following her blog and Instagram for quite sometime.  I rarely start following a new blog unless the writer has commented on mine and then I read theirs and usually follow them. 

With Nicole, I happened upon her blog through Bloglovin as another one of my readers had liked her post.  Well, can I tell you that I laughed so hard that I was hooked from day one.  I always look forward to each of her post updates, she almost always makes me laugh and I definitely smile.  She is young, an avid runner and she has moved from Florida to Chicago as she stated that she wanted to experience real seasons.... Well, she has had enough of the lovely snow that she was enamored with... hence why she wrote this hilarious post I Almost Lost My Feet...

Also an update on 'him', very sweet guy, we are just going to be friends for now as he lives nearly two hours away.  He may eventually move to the city and who knows what might happen then but honestly it is hard enough to keep a relationship going when you are in the same area... We are not ruling out seeing each other but neither of us are ready to commit to moving closer to each other at this time.  It was just really nice to actually have an interest in someone... it's nice to know that I could.

As well, I haven't been as motivated to get the rest of the weight off... due to the holidays and the weather.  I realized I needed to find something to motivate me and luckily work is hosting another Biggest Loser starting next Friday.  I am in the zone as you all know, I am highly competitive.... It starts next Friday, January 17th and runs for 10 weeks, I am so excited... I think I love competing, even if it is only competing with myself... I will be back to the gym starting next week and I can hardly wait.

I should be down to my goal weight by April and then the fun part begins with maintaining... losing it is not the hardest thing, maintaining it is... but I am up for the challenge, plus the Spring will be here soon and I will be back to walking outside 5-6 days per week.  I love the gym where I go but I really love exercising outside... especially when it's Spring or Fall. 

I hope you all take the opportunity to hop over to Nicole's blog Not Before My Tea and give her some love with a comment.  I promise you will not be disappointed... most likely you will thank Nicole for the laugh and me for telling you about her.   I want to give Nicole a great big thank you for all the lovely work she did cleaning up my blog... it still has too much on the sidebar but that is me... not Nicole... lol.

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Changing My Thought Patterns

 The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

Yesterday was weigh in day and I was excited to get on the scale, I know odd to say the least... In the past I have avoided the scale as if it was the plague.  However; this time it is so different, I am more committed than I have ever been in the past, mainly because I have put eating healthy and exercising together.  I know it is possible to lose weight by one or the other but when I put the two together I am seeing real results.  This week I ramped up my walking by doing longer stretches, one day I walked for an hour to get to my doctors appointment and then I walked home... another day I walked 6 miles throughout the day and on two of the walks I included sprints that really got my heart rate up.  Mostly I just pushed myself to go up hills at a very steady pace and I chose routes that challenged me.

I think back to six weeks ago and how I had avoided walking anywhere, I took the bus whenever I could or I would take a taxi... I didn't have money for a taxi but I spent the money anyhow...The only cabs I take now are for when I get groceries as there is no way to actually carry the food home. The great thing now is that I don't just grab a bus to get somewhere either, I will walk as often as I can now... I still buy a bus pass as I need to get back and forth to work each day, unfortunately walking both ways is not an option for me as it is a great distance away. However; I don't use having the bus pass as an excuse not to walk, I find I think less and less about using it when I need to get somewhere.  I love how I have changed my thoughts when it comes to exercise and let me tell you I feel awesome.

So, Friday morning was rainy, I got to work early and dropped all my stuff off at my desk... I walked down to the scale and hopped on... I didn't look down immediately, I knew I had done the work to lose weight but I also knew that it doesn't always show up on the scale, sometimes it is just in how your clothing feels on you... After about 10-15 seconds I looked down and I was so thrilled to see that I had lost 4 pounds, that is awesome for me... I am six weeks into this lifestyle change, I turned 50 this week and I still lost 4 pounds in one week.  For everyone who says it is harder, you are right, it is harder, I have to work at more than someone who is in their 20's-30's... I happen to think the work is worth it for the results that have happened... I have now lost 22.8 pounds in six weeks, that leaves me about another 60 pounds I want to lose which I think is quite doable by June of 2014.

It may even happen before than but I am giving myself plenty of time for when I may plateau or gain muscle as I plan to add in some strength training that I think is a necessity when losing weight.  As well, I received a wonderful opportunity from a blogger I spoke about recently, Janice... she sent me a link for some coaches that are going to help me and others prepare to run a 5K.  Am I nervous?  You bet I am... I sprint a little here and there but nothing long term, yet I am going to take this challenge on, I will run a 5K in the next little while... I had planned to run one for the new year but this may happen earlier. 

With my commitment to becoming healthy I see that I am not able to blog each and every day but I could never give up writing as it is one of those things that centers me and helps me to get all my feelings out... I probably just won't be as consistent and that will have to be okay... I am making me a priority right now, which I think each of us needs to do.  If I don't make myself a priority, I will not be good for anyone else.  Also, I haven't written about my David as much but he is always on my mind, we text each other usually daily to keep in contact.  He's on vacation right now but I am certain when he gets home we will chat more regularly and then of course he will be home for Christmas.  I am really looking forward to that, I miss just sitting and talking with him for hours about everything and anything... he knows I am losing the weight as I catch him up each week but I am not going to let him see me until he gets home, I am sure it will be shocking as I can tell the difference myself with it almost being 23 pounds.

After Christmas, I will post a before and after photo in the blog so everyone can see the difference... For the people who have never seen me, other than the head shots I put up here.  I will tell you that I am an hour glass shape (albeit a large hour glass), most of my weight is directly on my hips and thighs.  The first place I lose weight is my face and then my tummy (I really need to firm up there).  The last place I lose weight is my hips.  I didn't start measuring until almost 3 weeks ago so I can only go from there but in 2 weeks I had lost 3 and 1/2 inches from my waist and only 1 inch from my hips... I do find that I am losing off my thighs due to all the walking.  Saying all this, I know that even my hips will have to give up the weight eventually as I don't plan to give up this healthy lifestyle. 

I am grateful for the changes I have made and for the consistent way I am living them... if I can do this, anyone can.... I am now 50 years old, I have travel time to work of anywhere from 45 minutes to an hour and a half, depending on the buses, connections and walking.  I am a mama to my Valentina and I blog, even if I am not writing every day, I am constantly catching up with everyone's blogs that I follow...  This is doable, it takes a change in your thought patterns, it takes desire and it takes a can do attitude when times are rough...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Loving And Living My Lifestyle Changes

 

I have been wanting to write, it certainly hasn't meant that I had a block... I was hoping that my mood would lift before I wrote again.  So, I lost one more pound... I am almost at 19 pounds for five weeks, I am more determined than ever to continue on this journey I started.  I wish I had taken measurements when I first started but I just bought my measuring tape about a week ago.  I know that I feel it in my pants which are too big for me and my tank tops which I always felt stuffed into now feel really comfortable.  It feels good, I was a bit disappointed to only see one pound lost since I work very hard and I do not eat one bad thing but I have to remember that I am not twenty and my body is probably wondering what in the heck is going on...

Here is the funny thing I told my sister today, I don't even miss that type of food that I used to eat.  I went to the grocery store today and when I walked by the food I used to eat, I did that... I walked by it... I didn't look at it longingly...  I don't even think about that type of food, I am always thinking about any food I eat, wondering about the calories and what is in it? and if it is good for me?... I have people telling me that eventually I will miss the old food... I don't think so, it has been five weeks and I don't feel deprived.  Whenever I went on a 'diet' before I felt restricted... I missed the food... this is not a diet I am following, this is a lifestyle change that I am loving and living. 

I know one thing, I am getting very tired of Valentina's behavior when it comes to walking... she is not getting any easier about going for walks with me, she cannot stop complaining and I am not thrilled with her attitude. I have had to ask her on numerous occasions to keep her comments to herself, I need all the energy I can to put into walking.  I don't have any left over energy to argue with her... What happened to my sweet Valentina?  I seriously cannot deal with another cranky child who has nothing good to say...  Yes she does apologize but lately I am not accepting them as easily as I did before since she can turn around within thirty minutes and flip out again.  I do not like the teenage years, I know what she is going through, I have a very good memory of those times but I wish she could channel her anger elsewhere... it is very exhausting.

My mood is still somewhat the same, however; I am just putting all my effort into walking... I am not allowing myself to wallow.  I can't go back to that, I want to move forward... I turn the big 50 on Tuesday... I am actually excited!   I am getting my hair colored and I am getting a thick strand of hair colored violet... I will put pictures up once I get it done.  I have been wanting to do this for a couple of years and I never seem to have the money but I am doing it regardless, this a big birthday for me, it only comes around once. I am also going to get a small heart tattoo but it looks like that will have to wait until I get my bonus in August.  It is something I have wanted for a couple of years, it won't be anything large or flashy, just a cute little heart tattoo.

I am off for a few days this week, so I plan to get really serious and find an apartment for September.  Part of the issue with this is that I don't want to live in an apartment building, I just cannot live in a large unit again.  I like smaller places or a flat, I like having neighbors, I just don't want to have them living on top, under and on both sides... it is kind of claustrophobic.  I like that I have a front and back door and that there is no one under me, I love the feeling of just walking out of my place and not having to go down a long hall, walking by everyone's doors.  Anyway I won't worry about it, everything will work out as it was meant to...

This is more of a catch up blog since my mood hasn't changed a whole lot and I just don't want to write sad things right now... I have been keeping up with everyone's blogs even though I haven't been writing... I have written many in my head but at the moment those were just to sad to put down into writing.. I have so many good things in my life to be grateful for... believe me, I count my blessings on a daily basis and I feel very lucky... unfortunately it doesn't stop the sadness but it keeps me from wallowing which is a good thing.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not Broken, I Am A Human Being

I knew when I wrote my last post that there would be people who understood and just let me feel, I also knew there would be people who would feel uncomfortable with what I wrote and they would want to tell me how I should feel.  Sometimes I feel like writing a personal blog that no one else could read because there I would not feel judged, I would not feel like I had to hide how I was feeling at any given moment. Then I think, if I had that type of blog, I might get lost there... never posting here again.  At least with this one I continually try to better myself, attempt to be happy, attempt to want better.... if I had a blog where I could write whatever I felt every single day, I would wallow in the sadness.

That's why I continue to write here, I don't want to wallow in the sadness... but I need to say how I feel sometimes.  It is very hard for me to not write about what I am feeling for fear of being judged for being too sad... it's like some people don't think I have the right to be sad which makes me crazy.  No one can be happy all the time, if you are I want to know what drug you are on?  It is not natural to be elated constantly and since I have highs and lows, I write about them all. 

Believe me tomorrow or the next day, I will be in an up mood, I will be happier than I was today.  I will be working on being a better me, a more grateful me.  I believe in being grateful and thankful as I know I am blessed... but I am human, I cry, I feel sad and I need to have a place to let it out.  If I don't let it out, I would fall back on old methods of dealing and none of those were good for me.  All those old addictions that I used as coping mechanisms ultimately led me to the dark... where I was unable to see the light that was trying to get in.

Today without them, I see the light, I see that although there are tough days like this... I know that there are better days in the future.  Even though exercising has become another form of an addiction for me, it is a healthy one... I need this one to combat the old ones... otherwise I could fall back into the old ones much to easily.. At least with walking I am getting healthy, I am feeling strong, I am feeling determined and motivated.  These are all good things to aspire to... all good things to want. 

When I write posts like the last one, it gives me an outlet to feel, to cry, to be myself.   Isn't that what we all want, we just want to be able to feel and have someone say it's okay... I am not broken, I am a human being and I am the type of person that cannot hold it in, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Which I can understand is uncomfortable for others who don't do this... This is why we are all different, we all have our ways of dealing with life and it's ever changing moments.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥