Life Is A Circle Of Feelings

I want to thank everyone for the wonderful birthday wishes, they were incredibly sweet... I had a quiet birthday with Valentina, which ended up being exactly what I wanted. I wasn't able to go para sailing as I had originally wished but I wasn't able to find someone to go with... and we ended up having massive thunder and lightening... so I am sure I will get there in time. 

Also, thank you all for the encouragement to keep working towards being organized, I spent Friday with that lady who helped me before, we were able to clean and organize all six closets. Most of the time was spent on Valentina's two closets, teenagers can be pack rats and so messy. I allowed her to have some say as it is her room but I encouraged her to purge as much as possible. Her two closets took more time than the four other closets combined. 

I feel like by being organized that first I feel lighter, I instantly know where my items are and I want to keep it up, second it's easier to clean when there isn't so many items in the way. With all this, I am encouraged to keep eating healthy, which is even more of a reason to keep this up. The exercise is really coming along slowly due to the weight gain which causes pain, however; I have lost some weight by eating properly and I believe it will get easier with time once I lose a little bit more weight. I have decided that a bike is a good way for me to go, it will be less stress on my knees and help my quads to become stronger. That way I can take a couple of bike rides down the trail each day. 

I've had a major challenge that normally would have put me into a tailspin where I would have just ate so that I wouldn't have to feel the sadness and pain but I don't want to fall backwards and I know eating won't help me in the long run, I would just feel more unhealthy and uncomfortable... I am in charge of how I feel and how I will react. Just because someone accepted less doesn't mean that I have too... actually I have to say I feel sorry for the people that accept much less then they deserve. 

With saying all this I will always be there for those people, if a person realizes the choices that they made were not really the best, they need for their family/friends to just be there for them... no judgement ... we all make poor choices in our lives and honestly it is easier to admit it if you know you have someone who will never judge you and try to tell you they told you so... Forgiveness really comes with letting it go and not trying to be the right one... 

I know life is about trials that bring emotions we need to learn how to handle... because if we don't figure out how to deal with them, they just keep coming back to us until we do understand... This past month of organizing has given me a clarity, having less clutter really frees me up to deal with emotions I have buried... ones that were too painful to deal with at the time. Life really is a circle of feelings, knowing this reminds me that sadness really can turn into joy in time...

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Our Characters Are Our Choices

Before I start writing, I wanted to let you all know I have made a huge dent in getting organized and decluttering... there is still quite a bit to do but my old bedroom is pretty well ready for me to work from home when it all comes together and my bed is in my living room. It looks pretty good, I am going to buy a partition... just so I can divide it up a little more. I am really feeling like it's all coming together... I am grateful that there was a solution.

I have never had a difficult time writing, usually I sit down and it comes out... I have been thrown for a bit of loop this week. Have you ever thought you knew someone? Really knew them? There are very few people in my life that I have felt that close to, so when a revelation comes out that basically changes their whole character to you, it can blow you away... I know it blew me away. I honestly thought there was very little that could change my mind but this did, when someone can agree with ideas that are decisive and perpetrate hate... 

It makes me wonder if I ever really knew them at all... It amazes me how people can hide who they are that deeply. I am not trying to be judgmental at all as it's not something I ever want to be... however; it hurts my heart to know that they could agree with such unkind and mean thoughts... I thought they were about love, I thought they were a very good person... Was it that I was blinded and refused to see this side of them? Or could I have been deceived so easily?

This whole thing has flipped my world upside down, to the point that changed my feelings for them... I don't much feel anything about them, not good, not bad... just distant. If that makes any sense? I have gone over the many conversations I had with them, trying to understand where this all came from... yet I don't remember even detecting any of it... I am a free thinker, I believe we all have the right to have our opinions and I am not confrontational but this is more than I can agree with... sometimes we have to stand up for what we believe in, even if it means that others don't agree. 

What this has done to me this week has made me question all my relationships... I guess we don't honestly know anyone totally... although I did believe that I at least knew the important things about a persons character. We are our character, we don't have a lot more than that... It makes me a bit sad that I am doubting so many other relationships, wondering if they will change so suddenly too... The truth is that I am about love and forgiveness... I am not perfect in anyway, nor do I ever claim to be...

When someone cannot forgive, it breaks my heart because I know that it will only hold them back, I know that it is their choice though and that I cannot make their decisions for them... That is why even though I have been rocked by this persons character and hurt to know that this was who they were deep down...  I must forgive them ... for me. I know it won't happen overnight but I also know that I cannot live with the feelings I have for them now... wondering what other things they buried about them themselves.  All I know is that I have been and always will be the character I portray...

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How About We Stop Pretending?

I know most of us put on persona's or facades, sometimes because we think that is what people want to see, others because we want to appear stronger than we might be... sometimes because we fear if we give into how we are really feeling behind the facade that we may always remain there. I am here today, taking the facade off... I am struggling in all parts of my life... not just slightly struggling but all out overwhelming struggles. Do I think I am the only one, not at all... however; I think we don't share it enough because we are sure people will either judge us or try to tell us to just think positively. 

There are times that thinking positively does not make things better... and no I don't think any of us should wallow in negativity, I agree we need to keep reaching and working on attaining a positive attitude. Yet, I think we also need to admit when we are feeling weak and possibly out of control. I actually don't think that it is weak to admit that... it is like people that are dealing with addictions, they need to be able to admit their weakness in the open so that they can gain strength from people . Often it is admitting their weaknesses that helps them to become strong in time. 

 

I have been struggling with every aspect of my life, there is no where that I am excelling... usually I have my writing that helps to elevate me... and in part it still does but... if I am not truthfully saying how I am feeling and what is really going on in my life... am I being authentic? That is not me, if anything I am extremely authentic but lately I haven't been, I have just been muddling through... thinking if I can just keep pushing forward I will get to a place that I don't feel so out of control... However; I just feel more and more overwhelmed. 

Before I go any further, I hope people can understand that no one really knows what is going on inside of someone. Just because everything looks okay on the outside doesn't mean it is... and just because things look good on the outside doesn't mean any of us has the right to make a judgement of that person. Since I have not been really speaking my truth, it has been spilling out to where it is now showing on the outside. Personally if I don't deal with my feelings by being open about them, they come out in other ways. I am sure we can all say the same thing... in no way do I feel that I am the only one. 

I can no longer sit here and say or pretend everything is okay, it isn't... I spoke about how I don't handle disappointment well... lately it keeps coming back to me about how my life is no where near what I had hoped it to be... I understand that often we have to give up what we thought we should be to become what we are supposed to become. I have given up a lot of those dreams and honestly nothing is replacing them. What am I working towards? Just working for another 15 plus years...? What is good about that? 

Plus I was injured again this week, it was a freak incident... I just put my foot down and I hyper extended my knee... I couldn't walk for days and even now that I can, I still feel tenderness and pain... my physio therapist says it will probably be 4-6 weeks before I am back to myself... yes I can walk again but nothing like what I could... I need to be able to walk, it is my stress reliever... I don't know what else to use right now... I feel like I am falling further, wondering if I will find a way to stop free falling ... ?

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Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.

 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 

 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?

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Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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My Amazing Bumpy Journey

This week has been both busy and inspirational... I felt lost and focused at the same time... one of those oxymoron's in life. While I was working on my exercise, I had let other things slide. Part of me kept thinking I should and could keep up with everything I need to do... don't other people do this? I must be prioritizing wrong, maybe if I just sat down and made a plan? Each time I would try to do this, something else would pop up. What I ended up figuring out... which I have always known, was that I have no need to keep up with others, just because I think I should.

When I try to keep up, being the best housekeeper, being the best blogger, doing the most exercise... on and on... I end up not being good at anything. I end up zoning out and throwing the towel in and figuring I will do it all tomorrow. I am not everyone else, I am not here to show that everything is perfect, nothing is perfect... everything is work which is fine. I am not trying to show anyone that you can have it all, I think we all have to make choices, ones that are good for us.

For me at the moment, exercising, getting healthy and becoming strong are at the top of my list... I don't want to look back in a year and say, darn, I wish I had started then... do you see that I didn't write about how I wanted to lose weight? I have weight I want to lose but that is not top priority, I believe if I get healthy, become strong and exercise, the weight will work itself out.

Another thing that is important to me of course is being a good mother, I haven't always been one, due to depression in my life... I can tell you that when depression happens to you, you can never understand how difficult it is to function, let alone be a good mother. I have been at the point that I have done the bare necessities... luckily for me I have had very good people in my life that have stepped up and helped me, instead of judging me. I think we all need to remember this as many of us are dealing with much more than any of us are aware of.

The third most important thing to me is getting myself right spiritually... this is not for everyone but it is for me, it helps me to balance my life out... when I am not working on my spiritual side, I am floundering constantly... I am doing things that ultimately make me unhappy which then lead me into a more difficult cycle... it is like I have no purpose. It isn't that life becomes simple as that would be a joke because when I decided to work on that part of my life, everything and I mean everything came crashing in around me... but I knew that was a part of my journey.

I wrote a blog a few weeks ago and I had written how I may not find the love of my life and get married and how it was all that I had ever really wanted. Someone questioned me and made me think about that... why was that all I had ever wanted? Many people have questioned me over the years about that and I never had a good answer, other than I wanted it... I still don't have the answer... but for once in my life I am starting to question it...

I think each of us has to decide what is important to them and not worry about what is important to others... our journey is going to be different than other people and there is nothing wrong with that. What is important is our journey and what we learn along the way... Mine is and has been bumpy and I may not have always enjoyed every second of it but I can say I am happy to be on that journey. All the twists and turns I have made, have brought me to where I am today and made me a kinder and more compassionate person.

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Judgment Is Just Fear

Judging is a part of life and not necessarily a good part, we all do it to some degree ... I would love to say that I don't judge people as much as I try not to... What I have learned instead is to recognize why I have judged and then work on changing that feeling or thought. The most difficult judgements for me to let go of are when other people judge me and I feel like I have no way to defend myself.

It is easy to want to strike back at someone when they are mean and hurtful to me for no reason, especially when they don't even know me... I have dealt with this in my life, more now that part of my life is on the internet. However; I cannot let what other people say or do 'anonymously' or otherwise affect me. Just because they say it, doesn't make it true, instead I need to work on myself, forgive them and move on...

Of course this is much easier said then done, it's something I work on daily... since I am conscious of forgiveness and the importance of it. I need to be more conscious of my judgments and remember that when someone is judging me, they really are reflecting their own fears and insecurities about themselves... because when I think about the times in my life where I was judgmental, I came to realize that it was from my own fears.


So now I am back to forgiveness, they both go hand in hand... believe me when I say that I understand how easy it would be to get back at people that hurt me out of their own fears and insecurities. This week has been a testing ground for me and I wanted to let everything out to them and say There you go, are you happy now? Because I certainly could let everything out but I won't, that is not who I want to be, I am better than that.

I will take the trial I was given this week for just that, a trial... I won't be sucked into their fears and strike back just because it is easy. The easy way out never helps me in the long term... it feels good for the moment; ultimately if I fight back I won't feel good when it is all said and done. So, I won't be lowering myself to their level, I will be rising above it all. In the process, I will be wishing them the best and hoping they can find a way to move on from their fears and insecurities.

Judgements are just fears that we are not good enough, getting past the fear is where the growth begins... I personally want the growth, so I will do the work to get past any fears I have... because I am more than good enough...

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Change Begins With Me

I have gone back and forth with writing for a few days now, there has been another change for me this week and I didn't handle it well... unfortunately that is the way I am, I have been working on that but it takes time. When sudden and life altering changes happen, I freak out but I always get to the stage where I work out a way through it, then I am okay. What I have learned from this last challenge is that I don't freak out as much as I would have in the past because I know there is way through.

I realized that this is not how I have always portrayed myself to people that I know unless they are a close personal friend. I wondered if that was the way I wanted myself remembered? The thing is that I am more myself here on the blog than I am with most people... because I have a hard time trusting that people won't be who they say they are... or who I know them to be. It was at this moment that I knew we all wear masks to the world of what we want people to see.

Sometimes you meet a few rare people in your life that you can open up to and be yourself and know that no matter what it's okay, they will be there for you always... just as you would be there for them. Then the unthinkable happens and everything you think you knew is gone... It was never as you thought it was... it makes you question everything and everyone.

I also understood that because I was unable to really trust that someone was being real with me just because people in my past didn't live up to what they said they were... doesn't mean that all people are the same. I know this for a very good reason because I can be totally trusted... I am not the only one; so that gives me hope that eventually I will meet someone like that, someone honest, open and real... someone who is not afraid of putting in the work to make it work out... someone who is not judgmental of my past, for I would not be judgmental of theirs...

So, although I know it will be difficult and maybe even disappointing at times, I am choosing to trust again, I am choosing to believe that just because my past did not turn out the way I thought it would, doesn't mean that my future can't be even better. I have dealt with many challenges in this past year particularly... I think loss of trust is probably one of the hardest things to deal with... I am choosing to trust again, since change begins with me...

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The Lessons Of Memory Lane

I wanted to quickly catch you up with my course, my mid term is in 11 days, so I probably won't be writing again until then unless I can carve out a little time and I may not be able to comment as much as I want. I really need to buckle down and study, this course is very important to me, it opens doors to my future and we all need options.

I have been thinking about what it takes to move on, it takes a huge shift on the inside that can be extremely painful at times. For me I know deep down that it is what I need to do to be able to move on. It's almost like going through the stages of grief, unfortunately it isn't like going from one step to the next, sometimes it is taking two steps back.

Most days I am on a great path and I am happy and grateful for that. I had a lot to come to terms with because promises that were made were broken. I went from a high that was almost unnatural (now that I look back) to a low that I had never seen before... I think I had a fairy tale image of things and people but since life is not a fairy tale, nor is it meant to be ... reality hit that I brushed away incidents with flimsy excuses.

The reason this all comes up is that I put a new app on my phone last month that I hesitated to add. However; I did... it's called Time hop, it collects all your data and shows you what you posted 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 years ago each day from various social media. I know there are dates coming up that are not great reminders for me but I have enjoyed some really good memories too, so I decided it was worth the trip down memory lane.

Saying all this, I can see daily more clearly what I was unable to or refusing to see. I wasn't completely pleased as is usually the case, it is hard to see your mistakes or blindness to people or situations. It has taught me a great lesson though, people are rarely who they portray themselves to be but I also refuse to judge anyone by the people from my past.

I also believe that there are sweet, kind and honest men ... I won't accept less since I am willing to give the same and more. I didn't want to become that older woman who is bitter because she was hurt so deeply. Thankfully I am not a person that can be bitter or vindictive, that is just not how I am designed. I am the eternal optimist that believes anything is possible... some things just take a little more time.

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I Want It All

I was on a blog break, I haven't written anything... I have been good and going to bed by 9:30 or 10:00 at the latest.  No I am not sleeping with less interruptions but I am resting my body as much as possible.

I have had a lot of time to think, which is both good and difficult.  I get to ask myself the really hard questions, one of them being that I may never know the answers I am seeking... I have such a hard time understanding how something could be one way and in a flash it changes 180 degrees... it's almost like time was erased.

I am trying to date again, I just don't understand where the good and kind men are.  I keep attracting men that are so the opposite of what I want. I had someone tell me recently that I have too many tests a guy would have to pass.  I don't think I am putting tests out there for anyone but I need to know that the guy can carry on a conversation about important and funny things.  I need to feel a spark, that is what is most important to me... it's not even that I think being in a committed relationship would complete me... I am complete all my by myself.

It is that I long for that close relationship with someone, the one where I can just be myself. I want that kind of person who I can tell them anything and they can feel comfortable doing the same with me.  Someone non-judgmental, someone who can understand that I have come through a great deal in my life and I have gone down roads that were not always good for me but I always turned myself around.

I have been thinking about how I never valued myself enough because every warning was there and I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it that way.  I wanted to be right, all the little hmm thoughts... they all make sense after the fact. I now know that I value myself because if a man cannot excite me with some good conversation and with a little humor thrown it, he will never make it past that stage.  I couldn't spend my life talking about mundane things that don't matter.

I sometimes think I want too much but then I think, I'm worth it.  I definitely don't deserve to have some guy who cannot connect a sentence together or talk about sports all the time. I am willing to bring everything to the table in a relationship, holding back is what makes it fail.  Both people have to come to the relationship with that frame of mind.  Relationships are tough, there are going to be times where you will wonder what you saw in that person but the good and funny times will get you through.

Today I would never settle for any relationship that I did in the past... I didn't raise the bar high enough.  I lowered it because I thought I couldn't do better... that has changed... now if I could just find that guy I can banter with... travel with... share my dreams with... Love... I want it all.

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High Expectations

I have had one of those lazy reflective days, although I didn't sleep again (nothing new there... six months now)... I stayed in bed and rested until about 9:30.  Then Valentina and I started our day, we watched a little TV, we talked and I read and commented on blogs.  I am so on top of it there is nothing waiting in the lists and I have my email all up to date, as well, I finally did my taxes, money is on it's way.  I am grateful and excited that I will get to go shopping finally and get my hair done plus Spring might be here soon.

Okay, the last thing I said about Spring... a girl can hope.  I am feeling myself falling into old patterns due to this horrible winter we have had, I am truly not used to it like this, normally we have mild winters where being outdoors is not a time to have a limb frozen off... I have no idea how people are handling it with weather that is sub zero frozen almost all the time.  I have empathy for you all, we are not near that and I am finding it is pulling my mood down.

Once Spring truly arrives here, I will be an outdoors girl, walking and working out all the time, I am going to soak up the sun with sunscreen of course, and I am going to love the heat.  I am finally down to a size that I can buy my clothes wherever I want, I could always buy shirts at almost any store but now I can buy pants in trendy stores.  That is big for me, I have had limited styles and clothing to chose from, losing all this weight has opened a world of choice for me.  I am so glad I took that journey in June last year, now I want to stick with it, get to my next goal of my 10k.

Spring must be on it's way, I am feeling my mood shifting ... plus I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 23 days straight, it is usually a line... some days it is hard but most days it is easy, at the end of 30 days I am going to read over them and share a few of my favorites with you all.  I also wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who reads/comments on my blog, I feel like I have the best followers and I feel lucky to have you all here.  I know how time consuming it can be to keep up with other blogs, so I appreciate all the effort.

I wish one thing, when I was younger I remember people telling me to enjoy myself more... I took things too seriously... I don't want to live like that anymore, I like the girl I have become.. I am much more confident and much more closer to so many goals I have. One year ago, actually even six months ago I never would have guessed my life would be like this... I never believed I could lose the weight I carried for so many years of my life, yet with determination, I succeeded, I got over a hump in my life where I finally realized I am more capable than I am or was aware of...

The other thing I was reflecting on was friendship, how to me it is being forgiving, remembering the journey each of you have been on, understanding you better because they know you better than anyone else.. Not judging each other because we know how hard the other has had it, everyone is fighting a battle... that is something that always has to be remembered... especially in friendship.  This is what I look for in any relationship I have and since I am willing to offer all of that, I expect the same in return... pretty high expectations I know but that is what I deserve.

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Riding The Wave Of Life

I remember a time I never doubted myself and the path I was on... I knew each time that when challenges came along that I all I had to do was ride out the wave and the answer would be there eventually.  I had a day in March 2008 which was one horrible incident after the other, throughout the whole day I smiled and took the challenges for what they were... to show me where I really should be going, within six months my life changed drastically.  Lately I have been wondering if I will ever recognize the path where I should be on or the answers it will give? 

I sometimes get a glimpse of the path and then it seems to disappear before I get there and I am left standing to wonder if I actually saw it or if it was all an illusion?  When you are shaken to the core in everything that you believe... becoming steady again even when it is calm is not easy.  It's like I doubt that the steady time will last before the next challenge is there for me to handle, lately I have been dealing with one thing... then another one would be delivered on my plate before I got through the first one, I started juggling them... eventually they fall, so it is much better to have the time in between to deal with them... I guess it is true that life is about learning to dance in the rain...

I know that sometimes there are trials that come into our lives that are meant to shake us up to where we become unsure but I also know that if we believe it is something that will pass, eventually along the path we will recognize the reason why we had to deal with that challenge.  For me, I just don't know the reason and because I don't know, it means I haven't been able to get back to where I should be. I feel like I have been floating in the wind... kind of like a butterfly that never stays put too long... instead I flit from here to there and I never seem to get to where I should be going. 

 

I had a thought tonight that made me very reflective of how I see people, more like how I want to see them than to actually see them as they truly are (I see that I have done this a few times in my life)... I realized that the unforgiving and judgmental attitudes were always there from the beginning, I failed to see past what I wanted to see... which makes me melancholy... I know that even though I have forgiven things, my forgiveness might not come ... I only have past behavior to think this, unless there is a great change somewhere, I will have to deal with that insight I gained and possibly one day, count myself lucky ...  Until then I will just ride the wave.

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My Eyes Are Wide Open Now

I have been reading blogs most of the week and a few of them have inspired this post ... many of them were about having and showing gratitude, specifically writing it down somewhere daily.  I decided that mine will be an online journal, private for me but I have committed to writing one thing in it daily and then reading them over once a month.  I think the more that I do this, the more it will remind me of my many blessings.

I have already entered my first two posts, I like that I have finally started it again... it has been years since I was consistent.  Today is going to change that... I have been wondering how I could change my thoughts around and reading those inspired blogs seemed to be the answer I was looking for... At first I thought, what a great idea, the second one I thought hmm... that is interesting; the third one made me sit up and right after that the fourth one popped up in my feed and that was when I made the decision to start.

So, today was the fourth week of the contest, to date I have now lost 13.8 pounds, there is six more weeks in the contest ... this last week was a bit of a write off for me and it showed on the scale when I lost .8 pounds.  I know you think that is a lot and yes it is a lot but I knew that I could have done much better as I had eaten more calories a few days.  This was a really tough week for me, the weather has been so nasty that it makes it near impossible for me to want to tread out in it for anything other than work, two it was Valentine's day... just another reminder that I am alone (I don't want to hear how great it is to be alone for this day, it's better to be with someone you love) and three, work has been so busy, it is tax time and tax forms have to be out by the end of next week and everybody is scrambling.

So, I went shopping last tonight and I bought all healthy groceries, I am going to be prepared with nutritious  food ... those posts reminded me how grateful I am for having lost this weight that has held me back for so many years.  Here is something funny, I am actually looking forward to having a full body shot by the end of March... Although I am nowhere near what a place like Weight Watchers would agree I should weigh, I am quite happy where I am at... I am curvy in all the right places and with the proper sized clothing ... it will only make my weight loss look even better.

I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, year end is almost over, which means work will become manageable.  Hopefully the weather will be better by late March where I really get some great long walks in daily.  As well, I had a light bulb moment about the trial I have been going through for nearly five or six months, it wasn't one that made me happy though but maybe something I had to know... It hurts just the same ...

All three of these are moving me in the right direction ... the more I travel that path, the more I see some things would have held me back from growing to my potential... I want to always have an active lifestyle, sitting at home night after night being sedentary is not my idea of fun.  I don't mean going out to socialize which is great on the occasion, I mean active by exercising or participating in a sport... something that will keep me strong and healthy.  I might never have got to that mind set if I had traveled another path.

The other thing I learned in the last six months was that people are rarely how they portray themselves... we all want to put our best foot forward.  There are a few quality traits that I expect from the people in my life ... one, I need people to be forgiving with me and others... I believe forgiving is the only way to be, otherwise you become bitter and you hold on to bad relationships from the past.  Two, I need people not to be judgmental, I try very hard not to judge other people and I find it incredibly mean when someone does that and thinks they are within their right. Third, I expect honesty, I give it back 100 percent... if there is no honesty, there can be no relationship.

All of these things have been challenging me and I think that is why so many bloggers decided to write about gratitude in one day... I was meant to read them and to finally be inspired to get back to writing about it daily... Here is something I am grateful for, I am happy that I know exactly what I want in any relationship I have now and in the future, my eyes were closed in the past but they are wide open now.

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