I Am Me... I Am Not You...

I just had to sit down and write this immediately, I rarely write one post after another and if I do... I usually post it the next day.  I wanted to write this now and post it right away.. I know that I talk about my David... a lot... he is my best friend.  I need to give a little background to my family dynamics for any of you to understand what I am about to say.  My mother loved my father and only him all of her life pretty well, from the time she was 24 years old, even though my father did not treat my mother good... (he cheated on her) she still loved him and gave him many second/third and forth chances...

It never worked out for them, which I find truly sad for my mother.  I was on this same path many years ago when I fell in love with Tony... it took me 23 years to get him out of my heart, he is not there anymore... if he were to message me, call me... contact me in anyway... I would politely tell him to get over it.  I have NO desire to be with him, nor do I want to be friends with him.. He was a cheater and not only did he cheat on me, he cheated with me after we separated.  I was only able to end it when he was so callous with me about Andrey raping me. I at least ended that relationship completely.

Both of my sisters had loves that they could not forget from their teenage years, Shelly moved on quicker than Lisa but both have have moved on... not to mention my grandmother who divorced my grandfather when my dad was quite young, yet she held a torch for my grandfather until the day she died... never really loving another man.

There's the background... both of my sisters have been after me to get David out of my life... here is my answer to both of them and anyone else who cares to hear it... I did not fall in love with David when we were teenagers... I liked him, I thought he was sweet... I never forgot him because he was one of the kindest boys I have ever met in my life.  We never dated, we didn't even kiss until December 14, 2011... I fell in love with him when he was man.. at the age of 47... not before, I didn't truly even know him before then... besides, he was in a relationship and I never thought or dreamt that there would be anything between us.  See my post, My One And Only.

I did not hold a torch for him over the years, I did not dream about us being together... it was not on my radar... He flirted with me for months and I never caught on... because I never in my life even thought it was a possibility... we were friends... that was it.. My relationship with David is not what my grandmother, mother or sisters had... I had that with Tony.. that's gone.

David is kind, sweet, respectful, loving... he is my best friend.  Sure I get upset that he and I did not make it romantically... we went too fast after he had separated with his nasty ex.  I cannot divulge all the horrible things that she did to him, suffice to say she is one lucky woman that I am a Christian, otherwise I would literally punch her in the face.  However; I am a Christian and I am a woman... so I don't.

Do I think David is perfect?  NO... not a all, yes I had him on a pedestal when we were first together... that was wrong of me... he never asked to be put there, he is just a man, a good man... a good father... he tries to be the best and most honest person he can be... There is nothing wrong with that... I don't want people thinking poorly of him because of me... he did not set out to hurt me, he loves me... he was sad that he hurt me, it broke his heart.

My David has not lied to me, he always tells me the truth... he cares very much about me, he knows I love him... he wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy... even if it is not with me.  Yes that would be hard for me but I love David, truly love him and I want nothing but happiness for him... that is what true love is about for me... I thought very long and hard about ending it with us as I wrote about this the other night, I even had a letter written and a blog post... when it came down to it, I knew I couldn't do it, cutting him out would have done nothing but broken my heart for good.

I am not holding a torch for David and waiting around for him to come to his senses... I am not living in a dream world or LuLu land as people refer to me.  I am living in the here and now, my David is moving on but he is not moving away from being my best friend.  He knows that I love him... it's not a big secret, he reads my blog, it is all over my blog.  Someone would have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to know, he is none of these.

I am sorry, I just get so frustrated when people tear him apart... I know it comes from me being sad about us not being together...  I understand that part but when someone, anyone says to me... I have been holding on to him for close to 35 years... I am here to tell you, that's not true, I fell in love with him 2 years ago, when I got to know him more closely and realized he was just as kind, gentle and wonderful as I thought he was when he was 15.

My David is coming home for in December, I have no illusions about him and I... we are going to hang out, go for dinner, watch a movie... all the friend things... I won't lie, I wish madly that it was different but it's not and I have come to terms with that.  I am sure I will cry about this in the future, I would not be me if I didn't but each time, it gets a little easier... I don't date, nor do I want to date as I would only hurt someone else... no one deserves that... I am really fine with not dating.  I am much too busy with other activities in my life, I have no time, nor do I have the heart to put it out there again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Living On Purpose Is The Path To Peace

I read this chapter this morning and throughout the day as I thought about it, I wondered what I would write about it...  then I came home after my first day of work and I pulled up the audio message and after listening for maybe ten minutes I begin to understand what I was supposed to get from the message.

I want peace as we all do, peace will bring happiness even when things don't go the way we want them to go... I remember a day in my life, it was January 25, 1995... I had gone to the store to buy a chair for my nanny, I was doing many errands for her and I was grateful that I was able to do these things for her. I purchased the chair and had it set up for delivery and then I stopped to call her from a payphone (cell phones were not the norm then) to tell her I had acquired the chair, then I told her I would talk to her soon.

I got on the bus and as I was traveling home I felt as if I should stay on the bus and go visit her but I phoo phooed it as I had just been there the day before and I had plans to go down the next day.  I went home and called her before I laid down, there was no answer...  I didn't think too much of it and I laid down for a nap.  I woke up about an hour or so later and I called her again, there was still no answer... I then called her my aunt to see if she had heard from her and she had not.  I started to get panicky but I couldn't leave as I was looking after a boy who was coming to my house after school. 

I kept calling her and then I started begging God that she was okay, I cried, I was fearful.. finally I stopped and prayed that I would be able to accept and handle whatever the outcome was and I felt at peace.  A friend came by and she drove me down to my nanny's place, I had a key and when I opened the door she was on the carpet and she had passed away.  I was heartbroken because she had always been there for me all of my life when Ruth my ex step mother made life unbearable, my nanny's house was a refuge.  I went through the grieving process but I never forgot the calm peace that came to me when I prayed that I could accept the outcome. 

I am kind of going through that again with my David, he's alive but I am grieving the loss of what we had and what we could have had.  I have been in that panicky begging mode for so long because I know the huge potential he and I could have for happiness, love and joy... unfortunately he couldn't see it and when I thought about that day when I prayed for acceptance  for what I would have to deal with, I knew that I would have to pray for acceptance with David too.  Otherwise I will always be in a state of grief over him forever.

Let me tell you, that is so hard when I know that my soul mate and my best friend will only be my friend.  I have worked hard on letting go and moving on but today I realized I have not accepted it... I have been in that state of begging and bargaining with God which has left me still in grief, somehow I have to come to accept it, that is the only way I will be able to move on. I won't know the why while I am here but one day I will know, one day I will be able to understand. Part of me thinks that I need to learn my purpose in life and that if I had ended up with my David so easily that I never would have searched for it.  I would have thought I had found my purpose to love my David with all my heart and spend my life making him and me as happy as I possibly could. He's my other half that I fit together with perfectly, he makes me laugh and he understands my quirkiness....

That is not my purpose though, maybe I had to lose my David as the love of my life to realize that I have a much higher purpose, one I don't even understand yet but I will one day.... I want peace in my life and the only way is acceptance.  Another day of crying, more like sobbing but that is a part of acceptance. I will get there one day and sooner rather than later.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥