I read an inspirational quote today that made me think about why I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. Most things in my life, I seem to learn the lesson I need to and then move on to the next challenge but for one aspect of my life, I keep repeating the same mistake over and over. I keep wondering what is it that I am supposed to learn from this challenge so that I can move on.
I think because I want to be loved, needed and wanted so much that I become blind to what a person is really like. I try to become what they want so that I can have them. Definitely not having much luck in that department, I guess I am afraid to be myself, thinking no one could possibly love the real me. The truth is that I am like everyone else, I just want someone to cuddle with, someone to talk to, someone who can love me. I definitely don't want my ex step mother or my ex husband to be right, I want to prove them wrong. I am worth loving, worth being with.
When I care for someone, they are all that I can think of, I want to make them happy, I want to show them how important they are to me. Don't we all just want to be validated and know that we are worth loving? Even though I am terrified to love someone else, I don't want to give up on love. I have a great deal to offer someone, I am honest, faithful, attentive and loving when I am in a relationship.
So excited that I am going to see my sister Darlene and my brother in law Tim tomorrow. Too bad it is only for the day but I can't wait to see them. I am going to spend the whole day downtown with them. At least my whole weekend wasn't a waste, back to work Tuesday. I am going to get some sleep, it's been a long day today.
Fantasy and Reality
I wish somehow I could figure out how to make my fantasies become my reality? Any ideas? I am thinking I would do just about anything to have my fantasies become real. The thing that makes me the craziest is that I try not to think about it and then it's right there in my face. Why? why can I not keep my mind free of what I can't stop thinking about.
Today was scary, I was relaxing, taking a break at work and the phone rang and it was the police telling me that someone had called 911 from my home. No one was home, so I got home and then my back door was unlocked. I finally ended up finding the courage to come into my house and search all the closets and rooms. Thankfully no one was here. I thought it might have been my ex, he would love to get back at me some way.
This incident just brought up so much fear that I had, I was sure that I had come through that but I realized it was only buried. I can't stand that he has that kind of power over me, I really need to make sure he is out of my life for good. Not sure how I will do that though :(
Fear is not a great thing to live with, it controls me and I really don't want things to control me. I have to stand up to it and face it head on, I think not knowing makes it worse than it really is. Sometimes the thought is more scary than the truth.
I am going to bed, I have a busy weekend and Monday my sister will be here. I am so excited to see her, it's too bad we live so far away from each other but I do love how close we are as sisters. Off to dream land to think about my fantasies and how to make them my reality ;)
Today was scary, I was relaxing, taking a break at work and the phone rang and it was the police telling me that someone had called 911 from my home. No one was home, so I got home and then my back door was unlocked. I finally ended up finding the courage to come into my house and search all the closets and rooms. Thankfully no one was here. I thought it might have been my ex, he would love to get back at me some way.
This incident just brought up so much fear that I had, I was sure that I had come through that but I realized it was only buried. I can't stand that he has that kind of power over me, I really need to make sure he is out of my life for good. Not sure how I will do that though :(
Fear is not a great thing to live with, it controls me and I really don't want things to control me. I have to stand up to it and face it head on, I think not knowing makes it worse than it really is. Sometimes the thought is more scary than the truth.
I am going to bed, I have a busy weekend and Monday my sister will be here. I am so excited to see her, it's too bad we live so far away from each other but I do love how close we are as sisters. Off to dream land to think about my fantasies and how to make them my reality ;)
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