My heart is opened and even though it is scary at times, I cannot be any other way. I don't know how to not to feel, I've tried not to for so long and I always end up back at the beginning of knowing there was something that touched me and even though I tried so hard to cover and walk away... I kept coming back to what I know is real.
Someone asked me today if when I met Andrey if I had a feeling there was something not quite right and there were so many red flags that I denied and brushed away. Then they asked me if I had that feeling today about someone else and the answer was no... even if this feeling doesn't last forever, it was never wrong. I saw something in their eyes that needed to be loved and cared for but I was coming from a very dark place at the time and I couldn't believe that I could care for someone ever again.
Now I care, almost more than I thought possible... and as scary as it is, I cannot walk away and deny how I feel any longer. I knew how much I cared especially when I realized that I was willing to do anything I could to be there for someone that needed another person to care, really care about them... when I know they felt no one did. I truly hope that they know that they are extremely special, cared about and thought of often.
Regardless of how this all plays out, I will be grateful that they were able to help me to open my heart to allow myself to care again. For what is life without love? It is not a life worth living, that is only existing. I don't just want to just exist anymore, I want to become even more than I can dream for myself, what's more, I want that for you too.
I Don't Know What To Think
This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, from high to low. I feel like I am reading more into things than I should and then I think I should be questioning other things more. I had such a nice time Friday night, just chatting and laughing. I then came home motivated, wanting to get myself back, the person I was before I met Andrey. I loved cooking, organizing, hanging with my friends, then I came home today and I just felt strange. I don't even know why? I feel like I am living in a dream and then I think I should stay positive and everything will be great.
My emotions are incredibly off the chart, mainly because I feel so much that often I wish that I didn't. If you don't feel, you can't be hurt... I wonder if that's true? How do people shut themselves off... how do they live without caring? Deep down I know it's better to feel even if it's painful :(
What if Andrey was right when he said no one would or could ever love me? I wish I didn't give him any of my power, it's so hard not to believe it when no one is there to love me. I feel like when I desperately want someone, that I do everything in my power and I give of myself to the point that I am no longer me:/ Why can I be myself when I don't have feelings for someone? But then I am anything but myself when I want someone. I keep trying to be and do what other people want.
I can't give up on love no matter what, it is worth it in the long run even if it is incredibly painful at times. I won't be my mother and give up on it, I don't want to be some lonely old lady, that is not what we are meant to be. I always have to remember that poem that is so true. 'When you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was'.
Also, when I honestly love someone, I want them to be happy even if they are not with me, I have no desire to wish anything but the best for someone that I care deeply about.
My emotions are incredibly off the chart, mainly because I feel so much that often I wish that I didn't. If you don't feel, you can't be hurt... I wonder if that's true? How do people shut themselves off... how do they live without caring? Deep down I know it's better to feel even if it's painful :(
What if Andrey was right when he said no one would or could ever love me? I wish I didn't give him any of my power, it's so hard not to believe it when no one is there to love me. I feel like when I desperately want someone, that I do everything in my power and I give of myself to the point that I am no longer me:/ Why can I be myself when I don't have feelings for someone? But then I am anything but myself when I want someone. I keep trying to be and do what other people want.
I can't give up on love no matter what, it is worth it in the long run even if it is incredibly painful at times. I won't be my mother and give up on it, I don't want to be some lonely old lady, that is not what we are meant to be. I always have to remember that poem that is so true. 'When you love something let it go, if it comes back it is yours, if it doesn't it never was'.
Also, when I honestly love someone, I want them to be happy even if they are not with me, I have no desire to wish anything but the best for someone that I care deeply about.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)