I know that people think I have lost my mind or gone over the edge completely but somehow... I don't think so. I just know when something feels right and I go after it, no matter the cost. Part of that is being tenacious, which can be a great thing... sometimes it hurts when other people don't see the vision I can see and something doesn't work out the way that I know it is supposed to.
I have known for a while that my life is meant to take a big curve, for me to grow. Every time I progress is because I have had to deal with life changing alterations. This particular change is something I am truly looking forward to and I have thought long and hard about how great it could be even if it is extremely scary.
Sometimes I really wish that other people could see my vision and than it would go so much more smoothly, I guess it wouldn't be worth it then... oh... but so much easier. It's so hard to stay strong when everyone around is negative, I just keep the vision in my head and press on. It definitely isn't simple but I know that getting to the goal is so worth it.
Now I just have to find a way to stop being afraid, my bravado is definitely bigger than what I feel inside. Believe me I am jelly inside most of the time but I just keep moving forward, I cannot progress without putting one foot in front of the other.
I really think the scariest thing in life is admitting when you like or care for someone, not because you don't want that person to know they are needed and cared for, because you do want them to know. It always feels good when you know that someone cares about you but is very scary to open yourself up and your heart when you don't know how someone else feels.
Right now, I just know that there are times in our lives that we need someone, it might only be for a short time but I always want to be in tune when the need arises. I know that if I don't do what I know that I should, that I will regret it and I am tired of regrets... I love living my life in the moment. So, no matter what people think of my decisions, I stand behind them because I know that sometimes people need someone to help them and sometimes we are those people that are supposed to be there. I couldn't sleep or live with myself if I didn't try and didn't give the best of myself.
The Same Wish
As I reflect on this last year of my life, I am reminded that I have the same goal as I did last year. That could mean one of two things, either I am persistent and when I want something, I don't stop until I attain it or two I am too stubborn to give up. If it's the second, I am hoping my stubbornness does not bring me more of what it has in the past. I am hopeful that for once it helps me to have what I want and need.
All and all it has been a pretty good year, certainly it could have been better. I am just grateful that it was a year that I really progressed in my life. Work has been better, a lot more relaxing, which is what I needed... less stress in that department. I have not felt the need be completely alone which has made my being a mama even better. I am totally blessed to have Valentina, she has been and continues to be a joy to raise. I truly love both of my daughters very much.
This year I actually let me guard down and allowed myself to feel, sometimes with exhilarating results, other times.. not so fantastic. I have to admit that most of the time taking a chance has been pretty damn wonderful. The fall from being up do high does hurt and feels a lot more painful than it used to be. Somehow, I still think it will be worth it, I just feel that life without excitement isn't even a life worth living, that is just existing.
I am enjoy Christmas and I plan to just cook, bake, play with Valentina and talk with my friends. For New Years I want the same wish that I had last year, this year it seems a lot more attainable than it did last year. That leaves me feeling excited, I just want to enjoy my life and have fun. I want to take chances and I want to do things I have never done before. I just want to live my best life, be the best me that there is.
All and all it has been a pretty good year, certainly it could have been better. I am just grateful that it was a year that I really progressed in my life. Work has been better, a lot more relaxing, which is what I needed... less stress in that department. I have not felt the need be completely alone which has made my being a mama even better. I am totally blessed to have Valentina, she has been and continues to be a joy to raise. I truly love both of my daughters very much.
This year I actually let me guard down and allowed myself to feel, sometimes with exhilarating results, other times.. not so fantastic. I have to admit that most of the time taking a chance has been pretty damn wonderful. The fall from being up do high does hurt and feels a lot more painful than it used to be. Somehow, I still think it will be worth it, I just feel that life without excitement isn't even a life worth living, that is just existing.
I am enjoy Christmas and I plan to just cook, bake, play with Valentina and talk with my friends. For New Years I want the same wish that I had last year, this year it seems a lot more attainable than it did last year. That leaves me feeling excited, I just want to enjoy my life and have fun. I want to take chances and I want to do things I have never done before. I just want to live my best life, be the best me that there is.
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