When I blogged yesterday I was so sad and I had hurt feeling that I am sure what I wrote didn't come off sounding very nice. I just wear my heart on my sleeve and because I do, I end up feeling pain deeper than some people. I've had this day to think and reflect on what has happened in the past couple of weeks.
I have come to the conclusion that when that negativity entered my life in the form of an ex friend, I have not been able to shake the words they said to me. So I have made the words a reality because I gave them too much thought. I should have believed in what I knew then to give any thought to what I knew wasn't true.
So now I sit here and wonder if I can fix the mistakes or if it is all to far gone? I guess I can only try! I just feel that I haven't been myself for the past two weeks or so, just too emotional for my liking. I guess we are entitled to a day like that from time to time. I do need to learn to not take things to heart so much so that I can just relax and enjoy life.
Valentina has been amazing lately, she is learning so many new things every day. I can't believe how far her reading has come and her vocabulary. She talks a mile a minute, it can be over whelming at times, lol but I love listening to her chatter about her day at school and which boy she has a crush on. She changes weekly sometime daily on who she likes. She is just so incredibly funny sometimes, I just love her so much and I feel so lucky to have her in my life.
Wondering Where I Went Wrong
I have had one of the worst weeks of my life for the past couple of years, I have come to a realization that I seem to make the worst choices, ones that never end up making me happy in the long run. I have no one else to blame for where I am but me. This makes me sad that I cannot trust myself or my intuition about people, for all my need to really figure people out, I understand them even less than I thought possible.
I think all of this comes from my insecurities, starting when I was a child when my step mother did all she could to break my spirit and then my ex husband finished off where she ended. Hmm... makes me wonder why I let people destroy me? The men I have chosen to love, only two, have disappointed me and made me re-think what my future holds.
I think the future holds me being alone, apparently I am not meant to have anyone truly love me and this makes me incredibly sad. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I have never felt this in my life. I have chased it and hoped for it, yet it has eluded me. Why is that the unimportant things come to me but what I want more then anything, never materializes.
Where did I go wrong, ever believing that since I am a kind, caring and loving person that I would ever have what I wanted and needed more than anything else. Also, just because I would never hurt another person does not mean that other people are beyond doing that to someone. It doesn't matter how giving you are, as I have proven that; some people don't care, they just don't see how much some people give of themselves.
I think all of this comes from my insecurities, starting when I was a child when my step mother did all she could to break my spirit and then my ex husband finished off where she ended. Hmm... makes me wonder why I let people destroy me? The men I have chosen to love, only two, have disappointed me and made me re-think what my future holds.
I think the future holds me being alone, apparently I am not meant to have anyone truly love me and this makes me incredibly sad. It's the only thing I have ever really wanted, to feel wanted, needed and loved. I have never felt this in my life. I have chased it and hoped for it, yet it has eluded me. Why is that the unimportant things come to me but what I want more then anything, never materializes.
Where did I go wrong, ever believing that since I am a kind, caring and loving person that I would ever have what I wanted and needed more than anything else. Also, just because I would never hurt another person does not mean that other people are beyond doing that to someone. It doesn't matter how giving you are, as I have proven that; some people don't care, they just don't see how much some people give of themselves.
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