How Did I Get Through All Of That?

l read the quote above and it made me really think... "How did I get through all of that?"... Honestly, I am not sure how I did... I think I am still working on it daily.  As the quote below states, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, trusting I will eventually climb to the top of the mountain... One day I will hopefully be able to look back and understand why I had to go through some of the trials I have had to endure.  Some of them I have no idea why.... I guess I will have to have faith and understand that sometimes we don't get the answers we are looking for when we want them, if ever...

I just want to get to the top of the mountain so that I can see that I made it...  I want to look back and see that I was as strong as everyone has always said I am... There are times I wonder if they are right?  I want to believe them but inside I don't feel strong...

I have a long road in front of me, just to get my strength back to where it was before my operation.  I am really grateful that Spring is around the corner as the nice weather will be easier for me to walk and exercise... I am actually looking forward to getting into shape... I know that I want to be able to run a 5K by New Years, I may see if I can do one of these by early Fall.  It will all depend on how much training I can get in before the Fall arrives...

Regardless of how long it takes me to get into shape, I am in it for the long haul... I am motivated in a way I have not been for a very long time... I have an end goal with the running and I have a long term goal with getting into shape and staying there... I know it won't be easy but I really want to do this for me.

I'm hoping with running that I will see how strong I am and it will show me I am capable of more than I ever thought I was.  Maybe then I will see that strength in myself that other people see... I want to believe in myself and know that I can get through whatever is thrown at me and come out stronger...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Forgiving Myself First

After I posted last night, I realized that it was my 500th post... When I started writing this is July 2009, I knew very little about blogging... I had started writing so that I could release some of the pain of the rape I endured from my ex.  I could close my eyes at the time and replay the night over and over... going through denial, sadness, anger... I went through it all.  When the rape happened, I told very few people, I did see my doctor but I didn't do anything about it because I had allowed him in when he was not supposed to be in my home.

Part of me blamed myself for not seeing what he was capable of, I always had my eyes shut tight when it came to him... the blog came about once I finally laid charges a year later.  Once I had him put away, I started to deal with the rape, not always in the best ways... It was a long hard road, right into the court room where his lawyer tried to portray me as a whore that begged him and offered him money.  I remember thinking to myself in that moment, if he just knew that I never really liked being with him...

Once I was away from him long enough to get myself back... where I could see all the detrimental things he said to me were only his thoughts, they were not who I was.  Writing my blog over the years helped me to understand how I had come into that relationship and why I stayed... I didn't believe in me, I do now... I would never tolerate that attitude in my life again.  Especially not after having my David in my life, I only expect the best... My 'D' showed me I deserved nothing but the best.

I didn't just want to survive the rape, I wanted to come out better on the other side.  Showing Andrey that he couldn't break me, he tried but he didn't succeed.... I wanted to do this process with forgiveness because I knew that without forgiving him I would be forever tied to him and that night.  I learned a lot about myself after that night, I am stronger than I ever believed, I am worthy... I deserve my dreams and even though I made mistakes, I deserve forgiveness.

I have long believed that forgiving people was the only way to be free, what I learned from all this was that I needed to forgive myself the most.  

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥