Overcoming Self Sabotage

It took me a bit to find the time to blog this last week, I have been thinking about some things I need to change... also I needed to give an update of my weight loss journey.  The last week and a half has been awful food wise, I did start to exercise daily, that felt great... I only walked about 6 miles but that is 6 miles more than I did the week before.

Anyhow, the food thing bothered me, I have had incredible control over what I ate in the past year and the last little while it was like I had given into food again. So I took a very hard look at myself and asked myself questions, why was I sabotaging all my hard work? I thought about it for a few days and I realized I was a little afraid of succeeding.  I know, silly right?  However; losing the weight has brought up a few things.

What I ended up telling myself is that I worked very hard for the last year of my life and I am not going to let a little rejection push me back to food again.  I have decided that when or if it happens in the future that I am going to find another way to deal with it. Something changed with me immediately, like a light flicked on , I started walking more and I am eating within my calorie limit... I feel good.  I am making the decision now to do this tomorrow and the next day. 

The hardest part of getting over the addiction or issues we all have is getting past the disappointment we feel with ourselves for failing from time to time.  The successful person and I plan to be one of them, doesn't let anything have her wallow for any length of time.  Frankly if I can handle losing 'him' as my best friend yet continue to lose weight and get myself healthy, I can find another way to handle the let downs that happen in life. I am not going to let disappointment in myself allow me to fail, this is a life time goal.

I am grateful that I asked myself that question and that I really took the time to think about it. I've chosen to give myself that break that I am more than willing to give to other people.  I feel like that day I first started last year, I was focused, I had a goal and nothing took my eye off it... I feel like that now.  I took my focus off the goal but I have it back.  It really is just making a decision and not letting anything get in the way... not even self sabotage.

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My Commitment To Myself

I have been struggling a little with getting back into exercising and I am struggling with eating properly all the time.  I then wrote my last blog post and I realized how close I was to the anniversary of when I finally started making real changes.  Today is that day, the first thing is that I am committing to using My Fitness Pal again, so that I can maintain for a while.

Also I am committing to using Map My Walk again, I love that app, it changed my life, I saw how I was always competing with my own times... I miss that feeling, it was amazing how I looked forward to the walks to see how much faster I could do it... The 10K I wanted to run is going to happen 2015 but I definitely want to do the 5K Run Or Dye.  I think it would be a great deal of fun getting loaded with different colors.

I knew why I was struggling too, it was because 'S' had gone from hot to cold in one day.  It can be hard to deal with rejection no matter how high ones self esteem is.  Lucky for me I do have self esteem and self worth, so this rejection feeling didn't last long.  It was just a little bump, I am not going to let things like this take my eye off the goal.  I might stumble from time to time... it happens to all of us, the difference for me this time is that I take it for what it is... a stumble and I don't allow it to take over.

I have some plans and goals, staying healthy is at the top of the list.  So I am putting myself first again and I am going to commit to walking at least 15 miles per week, which is not all that much as there were times I walked 25-30 miles per week in the last year.  I just need to get back to it and spend this summer really getting myself toned and in shape.  Then finish up my CPA courses like I have talked about.  Time to get off my butt and do that finally.  I need to be able to run payroll anywhere in the country so I can move down the road.

I have also decided not to write about any of the guys I am dating until I know it is going somewhere, I think I will give it three months of seeing each other so that we will have a better idea of where we think a relationship would be going, whenever he might come along, I unhid my profile and then I decided to hide it for the summer, I need to make some commitments to myself first and then put myself out there again. 

I am not sleeping better but I definitely get more rest because I go to bed early and stay in bed as late as I can.  I think it is important since I cannot seem to have unbroken sleep.  I don't know how that is going to change, hopefully all the walking I have planned will help me rest better.  I am also thinking of going for a massage, that would be very relaxing.

On top of the commitment to track what I eat and exercise, I am going to check in here weekly with a small update.  The goal is not to lose a great deal of weight ... maybe 15 pounds by the Fall, it is more to get in shape and to get stronger. It is important to keep active when you are older... I certainly do not want to be matronly just because I am 50. So I am making a commitment to myself...

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