Focus

There have many many posts going around about choosing a word for a year, as I read them I became inspired to come up with one for myself. At first, it was quite daunting, I came up with a few words but nothing resonated with me. By day three I began to think it was futile... but I didn't want to give up, that was when FOCUS came into my mind, then each day that went by, I heard it and it reverberated with me more and more. 

With choosing the word FOCUS, I came to a conclusion about my health... sitting here wanting to find a way to make a change is all good but without making a plan then nothing will change. I kept hoping that an easy method would be laid out in front of me, which is silly as it won't be simple, it will take a great deal of work and a great deal of FOCUS.  When I was successful in the summer of 2013, I didn't let anything get in the way... not even my 50th birthday, I was in a zone, I was FOCUSED.

So, I made a plan to get started, this weekend was the one to make plans, first I sat down and created a budget... I had played around with one for the last few years but never really sticking to it... There were times I would go to the grocery store and wonder if my bank card would have insufficient funds, other times I would check at the last minute and realize I would have to take money out of my savings account to cover living expenses. This year is different, I have budgeted for everything I can think of and mainly I have started a decent savings account which I don't want to dip into unless there is some sort of emergency. 

I really had to make a budget as Valentina will be seeing the orthodontist in the next six weeks and I will have a monthly bill for a few years ... it's a necessity though as I feel teeth are extremely important for your self-esteem.  I am very aware of this as my teeth were damaged excessively from the medication I had to take after the fire I  survived as a baby The Fire - 48 Years Ago. I was very blessed to have met a woman from my church in my 30's who offered to pay to have my teeth fixed, the dental school then took me on as a project and I didn't have to pay anything, for this I was incredibly grateful. It changed my life in ways I never would have believed, it was a blessing...

With the budget, I made room to spend a little money on my health... I will talk about it more in upcoming posts, although I have a great deal of weight to lose, I am not thinking about a number, I am using this opportunity to get healthy. Many of you gave me some really great ideas, I plan to try the indoor walking again as I physically cannot handle walking great distances outside and Yoga is my number one plan as I need to gain balance. I have seen it work for many older people, it gave them back their lives.

When I started working from home I took the opportunity to sleep in until 7:00 am and sometimes 7:30 am when Valentina has no school. With that I was staying up much too late at night, sometimes 11:00 pm which isn't helpful for me to get the proper rest I need to function... So, I am making 10:00 pm my bedtime and then getting up at 6:30 am spend 30 minutes doing yoga and meditation. Also, one of the best things I have done for myself is that I plug my phone in across the room so that I no longer play with it at night and when the alarm goes off, I get right up... it was a good decision... it will help me keep FOCUS....

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One Moment At A Time

I am not one to make resolutions for the New Year, as I find that most times it is just a set up for failure.  I do believe in setting goals, I just don't like doing it at a set time... for me, I just have to do it when I am ready, the day doesn't really matter.  I actually find the more I think of making a change in my life, the more I find excuses not to...

I have had plenty of challenging years but truthfully who has not? No one has an easy or perfect life, it just doesn't exist. As much as we get upset about the trials we encounter, they have the ability to make us better, stronger more empathetic. Believe me when I say that many challenges make absolutely no sense and actually leaves us wondering why we would have to deal with it. However; given time, I usually have come to understand why. 

When Andrey raped me over 8 years ago, I crawled into a shell, I lost my voice... but then I started writing to get it back... I made questionable choices because of the emotional pain I was going through. I am not going to say that I am happy I was raped but I gained a strength I was not aware that I had and I gained an empathy for other people that went through this and other tragedies.  

I have been reflecting on the insanity of this past year, wondering what I need to learn from it, the answers don't always come instantly, sometimes they take a great deal of time. I do know that I ended the year on brighter note, I had a lovely Christmas and I am feeling so relaxed now that I am working at home...  I do have a goal which is an ongoing one, I want to be healthy again... I believe that I was given the opportunity to work at home so that I would have the time to work on regaining my health, for this, I am incredibly grateful.

I feel like the last year of my life had me going backwards with my health, I miss how physically fit I was. I read the first quote by Tony Robbins where he said that making a decision in a moment can change the course of our lives... It had me thinking about the many times in my life where I was standing on the edge of change, questioning if I would be able to leap off and trust that I wouldn't fail. Often I looked over the edge and come up with excuses why leaping might not be the best thing to do... Ultimately, I made the decision to go with it, it was only then that I understood it was never as hard as I believed it would be... which makes me question why I keep holding myself back... 

 

The main thing I want to take away from my trials throughout the years is that no matter how difficult they may be, I am strong enough to handle them. I need to remember that while I am right in the middle of a challenge, there is always a way through. Nothing is permanent. Life is so much shorter than we truly know, with the passing years I have come to appreciate the moment I am in... As all we have is one moment at a time... 

I want to wish all my blog friends throughout the world a very Happy New Year, I hope it brings love, joy and gratitude ...💗💗💗

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Perspective

I'm overwhelmed with my life and I've decided I need to take some time off everything to clear my mind and be open to how to deal with it..... (No blogging even) 

 

 

I'll be back once I've gained some perspective.... Then I can catch up with all of you...

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Choosing The Road Of Success

I have been wanting to write since Saturday but I promised myself I wanted to get caught up with my blogs that I follow first, that took until today... if I take a day off, I get way behind. I honestly love following everyone and commenting because I think that is what the blogging world is about, it is about supporting each other. However; saying this, I do get overwhelmed at times. I do need to cut back a little here and there, I can't comment on every single post as much as I would like to... I am going to get back to allotting myself a set amount of time. 

What I really wanted to write about today is, as you all know I have been struggling with getting back to exercising and eating healthy... I know it is okay to treat myself from time to time but that doesn't mean daily. I hesitate to say these words as I know they will be taken out of context... but I was out of control... I don't think I need to watch every single thing I eat but I NEED to have limits. This is not for everyone but this is what I need, this is how I succeed. 

For the past three months I was upset because I couldn't walk and I sabotaged myself by eating whatever I wanted to... It didn't make me feel better, those things rarely do. I kept thinking in that mentality that I would get it together when I could start walking and exercising again... then I was given the green light and I still continued to eat whatever I wanted... I didn't exercise, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin... my clothes were not feeling good on me .... All of this only intensified my emotions more. So, if you remember, I said I was at a crossroads... I chose a path on Friday, I am tracking my food and being accountable for it now. 

Also, today I was waiting for a bus... I looked down the street and realized the sidewalks were pretty clear, I just took off and started walking... it felt great, I pushed myself ... as I walked I wondered why I had allowed excuses to get in the way again?... because it is easier to ignore my feelings and just eat them... that is what the old me did, ignored everything and ate. I didn't like how I was feeling, how I was coming up with one excuse after another. Finally a catalyst happened in my life a couple of days  ago and I couldn't be more grateful that it did... without it I would still be in that rut... 

I feel like I did when I first started my weight loss journey in 2013, which actually turned into my becoming healthy journey... I was so committed, I never let anything get in the way. The weather is not going to always cooperate with me, especially in the next couple of months but that will not be a good enough excuse for me not to be accountable to myself. One day I will write about what finally got me all fired up, for now it's just good enough that I am goal oriented again. 

I realize the most important thing I need to do is prepare my food in advance ... I won't say it is easy as I have never thought it was easy to eat right and exercise daily but I can tell you that I will feel so much better, I remember what it felt like when I did... this is why I never gave up wanting it back... I might have taken the longer road back to where I want to be but the good thing is that I never gave up and I took the right road... the one that will set me up for success. 

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Soaring Higher Than My Dreams

I spent this week reflecting on the changes I have made and the ones I want to work on in the very near future... When I look at how far I have come, I am both surprised and grateful... Not that I didn't think I could make all the changes I have made because even though I fell many times I never stopped getting back up and believing in myself... I often wondered if I would just get out of my own way and allow myself to soar like I knew I could. 

 

For some reason I put my own road blocks up, I often become fearful of how much I can soar, how far I am really capable of actually going... I saw a little of that fear this week when I decided on a whim to go for a two mile walk and I realized I didn't have my headphones with me. I was tempted to go back and grab them but I only had a set amount of time so I decided to go without them. It was then that I understood how much I used the music so that I could zone out and not think... that was eye opening... for the 30 minutes I walked/jogged I had nothing to cover up my thoughts... I actually had to be present with myself...

I thought a lot about why I seemed to need sounds, like music or talking... why I didn't want the quiet.... The quiet allowed me to really think deeply about certain changes I needed and wanted to make but didn't seem willing to do as I was always finding excuses. One of them was how I want to meditate, I kept thinking about how I never have the time for this... I know I certainly do not want to get up any earlier than I already do but while I walked I remembered a time a couple of years ago where I kept talking about how I wanted to exercise and I wondered where I would find the time. 

Not even two years later I have seen that I just needed to shift my priorities and make the time for what is really important. I spend about 5-7 hours per week exercising and I don't feel like I am squeezing it in to my life, it is part of my life that I couldn't imagine not doing anymore. I can't begin to tell you how good it feels to push myself beyond what I thought I was capable of... and seeing that all the changes I often wondered were possible become a reality. 

So now, I need to make meditating a part of my life by just doing it... I had a quiet weekend where I was able to keep the noise level down which is not always possible with a tween in the household but if I want to make changes, true changes I need to find the way to make them happen. I am the only one who can make them happen, no one can do the work for me, no one can make those decisions for me... I am accountable to me...

Although I may stumble, I will not stay down or give up on myself... I have come too far to ever go back to where I was... I read a really wonderful blog this week from a woman I know personally... she has changed her life and lost a great deal of weight by making herself a priority... she talked about how she loved her 40+ year old body that was able to move even though she had spent many years being sedentary ... it made me think about how much I love my 51 year old body that I neglected for far too many years, yet it proves to me daily that it can change if I am willing to make the changes needed... 

Now I need to make the time for meditating the way I did for exercising... I know if I take the time to clear my mind through meditation, I can soar even higher than I ever dreamed...

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Where I Am Supposed To Be

When I realized I had time to write tonight, I noticed that it was my first post of 2015, this year has started off better than the last few years... yet I am still not as happy as I would like to be... it isn't that I think I need to be happy all the time, that isn't realistic, however; saying that I do think I could be more content. I need to figure out a way to get to that place.

There are a lot of things going on and the first and most important thing I had to do was get myself back on track with being healthy. It has been a week now and I have done many of the things I planned to do... none of it was easy, every last thing I wanted to do took a lot of work on my part... me making a conscious choice. 

The first thing I wanted to do was start eating properly again... by eating all natural foods, very little if any processed foods. The next thing I want to do is track my food progress with My Fitness Pal ... I know I am keeping within my calorie limit but I find it so much better to actually have it in writing. As it is a great way for me to be accountable to myself.

The second thing I wanted to do was exercise each day in some way... I have been walking for at least 30 minutes per day and tracking that with Map My Walk ... this one is a little easier because I just have to push a button and then walk, nothing to enter ... I have been creative in getting the exercise in by getting off the bus earlier or walking to a bus stop further away.

Valentina and I are going to work on a 30 day plank challenge starting tomorrow night... I have never done this before but I want to do more than just cardio so that I can strengthen my core. It is really going to help me that Valentina does this will me, I think she and I will encourage each other to work hard.

I read an article the other day that I wish I could remember who the author was, it was basically a list of things we do that hold us back... the first one was huge for me, when I saw the phrase, I cried. I know I have heard it before but the way that it was said there really hit home to me. It caused me to think a lot about the many changes I have made in my life... yet I still had not learned this one.

It was about how we tell ourselves, this was not the way my life was supposed to be... I say this to myself practically everyday when I am frustrated, upset or disappointed. It's not like I think anyone has it perfect here but I do feel like others have it more put together than I do. What the article tried to convey was that when we say this to ourselves over and over, we really hold ourselves back.

I have felt trapped by my choices and circumstances even though I have come through many overwhelming challenges which I have grown from immensely. I still feel like I don't have a way out. It's not as if I can just get up and change my life 180 degrees as I have responsibilities being a mama. Saying this though, I know that I cannot keep going on feeling this way, it isn't good for me, nor is it good for Valentina. 

Although I don't know the answer yet, I do know that it will involve big changes... whatever they are, I need to be ready to take them on and go with them... otherwise I will always feel trapped... So, first things first, starting today...(my motto)... I am going to work extremely hard on not telling myself that statement 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be' ... instead, I am going to work on solutions to change my life to how my life should be.

I do believe I can make the changes, not as quickly as I want but in time I will be exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be, one of the first steps is becoming healthy.

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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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Love Will Come To Me

I took a break from blogging for a few days as Valentina was going away for a week to Cindy's and I wanted to spend all my free time with her.  So this week is my week, it is my birthday on Wednesday... I accomplished what I set out to do over a year ago, when I decided I would not be in the same place a year from then, I took off the 80 pounds.  Since I can see how committed I am to making a change I am making new goals, if we don't that is when we fail.

I am excited for some of the changes that are happening, first is school, once I have completed the courses I have a couple of options that I am thinking about. Second I have committed this year to downsizing and preparing to move next year.  I will be in a much better place financially and I will be able to afford a nicer place.... I am looking forward to this move as I would like it to be a place I stay for years to come.  Unless of course I meet someone. Third I have decided not to date until January at the earliest, due to the two courses I will be taking, I wouldn't have time to give anyone right now.

The other thing I plan to do is up my savings so that I will be prepared financially to move, usually I am unorganized and rushing around at the last minute boxing things up.  That is another one of those changes I am making now, I am going to follow a budget by writing down everything I spend, I think once I do that I will start to be a lot more careful.  I used to be the queen of budgets and savings but once I started having a little more money, I felt entitled to spend it.... that was the mentality I had to change, I need to continue to get back to my strong roots of budgeting and saving.  I already have Christmas money and food money saved.

This week is also the week that I am really putting out the effort to walk as much as I can, I really want to get my speed back to where it was last year so that I can work on bettering that one.  It's a good week for me to get my house and my thoughts together, I don't have to think about anything other than work for the next few days. I also plan to get as much rest as possible, that means getting into bed by nine or nine thirty with all social media turned off.  I feel like I took a little more control of my life this week and that feels good.

I have no control over the outcome but I am making my own decisions.  For almost a year I struggled to make any decision and I wondered if I would ever be able to handle one in the future.  Thankfully the future came, believe me there were times I seriously wondered.... Almost a year ago my life changed by 180 degrees and it made me question everything I knew.  Today I made it through all those changes and although it was one of the most painful years of my life, I still believe that love exists and when the time is right, it will come to me.

With my choices and goals preparing me, I know that love will come to me.

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Overcoming Self Sabotage

It took me a bit to find the time to blog this last week, I have been thinking about some things I need to change... also I needed to give an update of my weight loss journey.  The last week and a half has been awful food wise, I did start to exercise daily, that felt great... I only walked about 6 miles but that is 6 miles more than I did the week before.

Anyhow, the food thing bothered me, I have had incredible control over what I ate in the past year and the last little while it was like I had given into food again. So I took a very hard look at myself and asked myself questions, why was I sabotaging all my hard work? I thought about it for a few days and I realized I was a little afraid of succeeding.  I know, silly right?  However; losing the weight has brought up a few things.

What I ended up telling myself is that I worked very hard for the last year of my life and I am not going to let a little rejection push me back to food again.  I have decided that when or if it happens in the future that I am going to find another way to deal with it. Something changed with me immediately, like a light flicked on , I started walking more and I am eating within my calorie limit... I feel good.  I am making the decision now to do this tomorrow and the next day. 

The hardest part of getting over the addiction or issues we all have is getting past the disappointment we feel with ourselves for failing from time to time.  The successful person and I plan to be one of them, doesn't let anything have her wallow for any length of time.  Frankly if I can handle losing 'him' as my best friend yet continue to lose weight and get myself healthy, I can find another way to handle the let downs that happen in life. I am not going to let disappointment in myself allow me to fail, this is a life time goal.

I am grateful that I asked myself that question and that I really took the time to think about it. I've chosen to give myself that break that I am more than willing to give to other people.  I feel like that day I first started last year, I was focused, I had a goal and nothing took my eye off it... I feel like that now.  I took my focus off the goal but I have it back.  It really is just making a decision and not letting anything get in the way... not even self sabotage.

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Jumping Off The Fence

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I had to take a deep breath to relax myself tonight, first I haven't slept more than 3 hours for the past two nights as I have had a lot on my mind... I have been thinking about the issue that is getting in the way of me sleeing, just being grateful if I have one night of sleep a week.  I have not been able to sleep well for the past 10 years but it is really the past 2 months or so that I have had this much difficulty.  It's because I didn't want to make a decision one way or the other, I'm always afraid of not making the right one.  I thought it was easier living in limbo... since either decision was not going to make me happy.

Normally a decision is cut and dry, this one is the complete opposite. This decision makes me sad either way, for the past two months I held out hoping I didn't have to decide.  However; something has become crystal clear to me in the last week and made me realize that I had to decide on the easiest one of them.  Although I dare anyone to find either one of them easy.  I just know that I have to do something, otherwise in a year... I will be in the same place that I am now.  I honestly don't want that for myself, that is why I finally made a choice.

I think the fact that I made a choice will help me to able to sleep... my mind has been racing for the past two months, rarely letting me rest... it's time to make a change.  Much like I made when I committed to getting healthy and losing the weight, it wasn't easy in the beginning, it was a lot of hard work but it paid off and it is still paying off today.  Hopefully this choice will pan out the same way.  I realized another thing too, I am not ready to date, I really thought I was... I am not saying I won't be ready in the very near future but for today and probably until the end of this year I think I will put that idea on a shelf.

I know that I deserve someone amazing, I have self worth and self esteem... I was talking to that guy from the other day.  He said it is scary to date and I said I didn't think it was scary at all but I did think it was scary to fall in love again.  He questioned me if I was really ready to date since I wasn't sure I wanted to fall in love again.  I knew he was right, I am at the point in my life that although I want that crazy and amazing love that comes from letting go and giving your whole heart to someone and having to trust they won't hurt you.  I am going to need some time to get through the repercussions of this decision I have made.

Either way I was going to need the time, then I will be ready to put myself out there and finally meet that guy I am worthy and deserving of, I believe that kind of love exists.. I see that with people that I know, so I know it can happen... it just has to be in the right place and right time. Lately I have been wishing that I could go back and change one day... so many things would be different right now but the truth is in that song The Dance, I was better off not knowing, otherwise I might not have had some really truly amazing experiences. Although extremely painful now, I am glad I didn't miss the experience...

It's time for me to get out of limbo and finally jump off the fence one way or the other...

My 5K Is Almost Here

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Seventeen weeks ago I started a journey to get healthy, it started because of one person and something they said, something that made me think I NEED to change my life NOW... Right NOW, not next week, not next month but Right NOW!!!  It was an urgency that I could not let go of... finally something that moved me to move me.  The first thing I had to do before I could do anything else was I had to quit smoking.  I never liked it, I knew I would not be able to exercise if I smoked, I knew I would not be successful unless I were to finally quit.  I quit cold turkey, I just stopped... was it hard?  The first week was hard but each day got easier, I am SO grateful that I finally quit, I am seventeen weeks free today.

Next I found something to get excited about to keep me successful, the contest was offered at work.  As everyone who reads my blog or knows me, knows I am highly competitive... it is really borderline obsessive. Truthfully no one had a chance, when I am competing I am focused.  Once I was focused, there was nothing to stop me, nothing but me and the more involved I became with eating healthy and walking, the more I wanted to excel.

Then I received an offer to train for a 5k through the internet, at first I thought whoa... could I actually handle a 5k?  My first mile that I walked took me a little over 22 minutes to complete... I was red, hot, breathing unevenly and actually wondering what I had got myself into?  However; I am competitive and I couldn't stop, so I continued walking... In the past 16 weeks I have almost always mapped my walk with the app Map My Walk and as of today I have walked over 311 miles (which is over 500 kilometers) ... I have recently walked a few miles under the 15 minute mark, I have shaved 7 minutes off my time in less than 16 weeks.  I am even able to jog and run a little but mostly I love to speed walk.

This week has been tough for me as I have been dealing with some very emotional incidents in the past two weeks... usually I immerse myself in walking even more, this week I have not been able to sleep.  Each night I lay my head down, the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with are forever jumping around in my brain and I end up having the most restless sleep if any... Last night was a breaking point for me and instead of exercising, I came home, took a sleeping pill and I was in bed at 7:00 pm... I slept until a little after 5:00 am... Not all through the night though, I woke up many times over... so even the pills are not helping.

Tomorrow I am going out for one last training for my 5k as I am walking/running it early Sunday morning.  I know I will be successful, I have done many of them over the past 16 weeks... I knew practicing them was the only way that I would succeed, each and every walk that I took, even the ones that took 15 minutes has helped me to gain the endurance that I will need to cross the finish line.  That first week that I walked, I never envisioned that I could or would do a 5k... my next goal will be a 10k... For me, always making new goals is what keeps me motivated these days.

I am looking forward to crossing the finish line of my first 5k, I know it will motivate me to go even farther and faster the next time.  Before I get into any other competitions, I have to sit down, write a letter and explain to the person that started all this, how they started it and also to explain why I cannot sleep these days... This lack of sleep is for a reason, I have known why, I have just not figured out how to get passed it... I realized the only way was telling this person why, then maybe... just maybe I will be able to sleep again.

First and foremost though, I will do what I need to get to the beginning of the 5k and to cross the finish line... one of the things we were told that made me smile was the trainers didn't care if we ran, walked or cartwheeled across that finish line, they just wanted us to get across it for the first time. I don't know if I will ever be a runner but I will always challenge myself to walk faster, jog a little and even run a little.  I never want to just settle and for this reason I will make more and more goals for myself as the years go by.

I am grateful that although the decision to become healthy came the way it did... maybe it came the only way I would listen... maybe it came the perfect way for me.  However it came, I cannot be more thankful, 53 pounds gone and I feel more alive physically than I have in years ... sometimes the emotional things are hard to deal with but I am taking them one day at a time, one emotional issue at a time... my first issue will be dealt with Sunday after my 5k has been completed.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Deal With It I Will

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I just have to write a quick follow up... it is late and I haven't slept, really slept for days... still just getting an hour here and there... I just wanted to let everyone know I was feeling a little bit better.  Not awesome but definitely better.  I saw my doctor and she has given me sleeping pills which I will take a half of one later this week... I took a full one almost 4 years ago and I slept until past noon that time, so I am a little leery of taking any.  I will test it out over the weekend to make sure I can wake up in time.

Next I broke the 15 minute mile tonight, I can give a great deal of thanks to a friend who ticked me off and I went out there and walked so fast to blow some steam off. I felt like I was speeding... I have a new goal, I want to get under a 14.30 mile.  Maybe that friend can really tick me off, lol.  I am still not going to talk about what devastated me the other day, it is still there, I still have to deal with it, the reason it was so difficult for me was because I was side swiped with it... maybe if I had known anything and not just have it thrown at me the way it was I would have handled it a whole lot better... Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, regardless, I have to deal with it and deal with it I will.

I can't promise I won't be sad in the future, I can't promise I won't cry but I will get through this... not sure how, like walking that track at the gym, I am going to have to dig deep, deeper than I have ever gone before. It is not going to be easy but I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice but the second option is so much worse than even the incident... so I will get through somehow.  Ultimately people are important, incidents are just that, incidents and I can forgive...

Finally I just wanted to write a funny story, I have told you all about how competitive I am ... well, let me tell you about a funny story.  About two weeks ago I was walking and at a pretty good clip when I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, looking like they were trying to pass me.  I don't like to be passed, so I just sped up and I kept seeing someone out of the corner of my eye speeding up with me. I was getting a bit frustrated as I was not sure I could keep that speed up for much longer.  Finally I glanced to the side, there was no one there... get this... it was my shadow... lol

I told you I was competitive... but whoa... racing my shadow... too much.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

New Memories In Time

I sat down and did a budget, if I'm strict I can afford a decent rent... now to find that place... I think I am going to move before the winter hits, I'd like to start the New Year in new surroundings.

See, once I make a decision I am driven.  I actually have a place in mind now... closer to the Canada Game Center, I have someone that can take care of Valentina.  I am getting so excited and so will Valentina if this place pans out.  Close to a bus depot, grocery store and many other great options.

As I write this I am feeling lighter and more free.  It amazes me why I hold on for so long when wonderful things always happen when I give in.  I'm going to be better than my landlord, I will clean this apartment perfectly... I believe you get back what you give out... karma.

Now that I have plans I am thinking about how I to finance the move... lots of expenses there, next pay day I am starting a savings plan and I will go into budget mode.  I'm looking forward to a fresh start, setting up a new place and starting new memories.

Maybe I can put some of my memories on the back burner with this move too....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What You Believe, You Will Achieve

I saw this quote on Facebook today and it made me think of how tenacious I am... I am one of those people that when someone tells me it is impossible... that I find a way to make it happen.  I don't know if it is always a good thing but I don't give up until I am forced to do so.  I am not the most gracious when I have to give in or give up... usually it has nothing to do with things... it has to do with people.

I have long believed in the quote above, even when I was young and had never heard it... I always believed anything was possible if I wanted it bad enough.  I don't mean possessions...  although nice to have, it is never what I longed for....  What I desired was to travel the path I was meant to travel, no matter what other people thought.  I remember a time about four years ago that I KNEW I was meant to do something where everyone thought I had lost it... a small part of me started believing they were right but that tenacious part of me would NOT let me give in... I didn't give up, I succeeded in doing what I knew I was meant to do.

When I look back at those things that I achieved because I wouldn't give in... I am in awe of myself, more in awe that I would ever doubt what or where I should be... I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know where I am supposed to be... Yet I continue to let other people's ideas cloud what I know... If I don't believe in my dreams, who will?  Just because things don't happen on a time line that I want, doesn't mean it won't happen... it just means I am not ready yet... I need to stop doubting myself, the truth is that when I want to achieve something in my life, I have always made it happen.

A little over six years ago, I was still living my ex Andrey... we were not together in any real sense, more for convenience.  What I mean by this is that when Andrey and I married in 2001, I ended up sponsoring him into Canada by 2003 when our marriage was at the very end and we separated not too long after.  However; since I had sponsored him, I was responsible for him for ten years.... since I was legally responsible for him, I allowed him to stay with me and take care of Valentina while I worked.  Of course this was not a good solution for either of us and in late 2007, I realized that he and I would not be able to continue on like this for another six years.

I started thinking, dreaming... there had to be a way out for me... within one week of this thought, a friend of mine who I had known for a couple of years told me her aunt worked for immigration... I was like what?  How could you not tell me?  It never crossed her mine, I had her check with her aunt to find out if I would have to finish out this commitment, or was there a way out?

My friend called me later in the day and told me that she found out the laws had changed, it wasn't a ten year commitment any longer, it was only three.  Can you understand how elated I was?  I was over the moon excited...  however; I wondered if it was retro active... Cindy called them for and lo and behold, my responsibility for him was done, had been done for over year.

I had that thought about how our circumstances had to change, there had to be a way... in one week a way was made.  Anything is possible... anything.  If you think that was just lucky, think again, that law of being responsible for someone for ten years when you sponsor them had been in effect for a very long time... a way was made for me to be free.  Nothing can hold me back but me and the same goes for everyone... only we hold ourselves back.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥