I Want It All

I was on a blog break, I haven't written anything... I have been good and going to bed by 9:30 or 10:00 at the latest.  No I am not sleeping with less interruptions but I am resting my body as much as possible.

I have had a lot of time to think, which is both good and difficult.  I get to ask myself the really hard questions, one of them being that I may never know the answers I am seeking... I have such a hard time understanding how something could be one way and in a flash it changes 180 degrees... it's almost like time was erased.

I am trying to date again, I just don't understand where the good and kind men are.  I keep attracting men that are so the opposite of what I want. I had someone tell me recently that I have too many tests a guy would have to pass.  I don't think I am putting tests out there for anyone but I need to know that the guy can carry on a conversation about important and funny things.  I need to feel a spark, that is what is most important to me... it's not even that I think being in a committed relationship would complete me... I am complete all my by myself.

It is that I long for that close relationship with someone, the one where I can just be myself. I want that kind of person who I can tell them anything and they can feel comfortable doing the same with me.  Someone non-judgmental, someone who can understand that I have come through a great deal in my life and I have gone down roads that were not always good for me but I always turned myself around.

I have been thinking about how I never valued myself enough because every warning was there and I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it that way.  I wanted to be right, all the little hmm thoughts... they all make sense after the fact. I now know that I value myself because if a man cannot excite me with some good conversation and with a little humor thrown it, he will never make it past that stage.  I couldn't spend my life talking about mundane things that don't matter.

I sometimes think I want too much but then I think, I'm worth it.  I definitely don't deserve to have some guy who cannot connect a sentence together or talk about sports all the time. I am willing to bring everything to the table in a relationship, holding back is what makes it fail.  Both people have to come to the relationship with that frame of mind.  Relationships are tough, there are going to be times where you will wonder what you saw in that person but the good and funny times will get you through.

Today I would never settle for any relationship that I did in the past... I didn't raise the bar high enough.  I lowered it because I thought I couldn't do better... that has changed... now if I could just find that guy I can banter with... travel with... share my dreams with... Love... I want it all.

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