Far Too Long

It has been so many months since I have sat down to write, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, as I have written many posts in my head. Sometimes no words would come which frankly I had never dealt with since I started writing... All I had to do was sit down at the computer, start writing and the words would spill out faster than I could type. I didn't understand how words failed me when it has always been what I could fall back on to when my life took twists and turns... I always felt like writing helped me to make sense of the tests and trials I have had to deal with... we all have had to deal with. 

I thought back to the past and what each trial or test had taught me over the years ... I have always ended up seeing the wisdom of why I had to go through things I often wondered if I would survive... Many of those trials taught me empathy, forgiveness, love and what true beauty was...
That was until I lost 'him' as I best friend, I had to put that one in a box and stop trying to figure out something I could not seem to find an answer for... then I ended up getting injured and it changed my life in a way I never believed I would ever see. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and into shape. I was thankful and extremely grateful that I had found the path I was on and I was so happy to be there... now my health has been slowly declining. 
I force myself to go out when I don't feel like it, I walk short distances to keep myself mobile... every step is painful, sometimes unbearable. If it's not my legs, it's my back... I just cannot understand what this trial has to teach me, what am I supposed to learn from this? I keep thinking is this it? Is this how I am going to feel for the rest of my life?  I know there are many people that have to deal with chronic pain in their lives, I had no idea how they coped, nor did I want to know... I felt blessed that I was in minimal pain and that I could exercise often.

I don't want pity from anyone for where I am today as I am sure most people who deal with chronic pain don't want that either. I just want to deal with the pain better than I have been handling it... I want to hold onto hope that things can change, maybe even learn why this trial was given to me... however; at this time I am not close to learning and hope seems too far away for me to believe it will change. I am not trying to be negative about what I am going through, I am trying to find the good things that I have in my life. Truthfully, if I were to sit down and write all the blessings I have in my life, they would be endless... yet I would get to this trial and be stumped... unlike being able to put losing 'him' in a box... I can't put my physical health in a box, I have to deal with it daily. 
Anyhow, I wanted to thank many of you who reached out to me over the months making sure I was okay. I honestly can't thank you all enough. I kept up with my other social media because it was easy to like a picture or share a post... at least I could keep up you all and know how you were making out. I have truly missed writing... and I have missed the blogging world... we have a pretty close community. I have come to know so many of you through other methods of social media, I am pretty grateful for the technology that gives us the ability to be and stay in contact with one another. 

I'm going to write at least once a week, more if I feel the need and I am going to take this next week to catch up with all of your blogs. I am looking forward to getting back into the blogging world again. It will take me a little time to get back into the swing of it, I know once I am back on track... it will be like old times... I have been gone for far too long...

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Pain Can Make You Or Break You

I'm sorry I have been away for so long, the physical pain I was dealing with was beyond what I could handle. I often thought that if this was the way my life was going to be, I couldn't see any good. I was negative, unhappy and I had lost hope. I had got to the point that even moving around my home was almost unbearable... the doctor gave me pills to deal with the pain but they only exhausted me and made me loopy... I was barely functioning and if it wasn't for my very good friend I may never have left the house. 

In that time period, Valentina had to go to the hospital and have her embedded teeth removed as well as her four wisdom teeth. She really handled it well, I am grateful it is over with and that she won't have to deal with that pain in the future. She is now taking great care of her teeth, which I am very happy about as I know more than most people how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes smiling so much easier. 
About two weeks ago I went back to see my doctor, I told her that I couldn't handle the pain as I was barely making it... I was thankful that I was able to work from home as that would have only brought more stress on me. Worrying about finances was not another trial I needed to deal with at that time. My doctor suggested a new prescription that may help with nerve pain... I started them immediately and within three days I was able to deal with the pain. It's still there but it no longer controls my every thought... now I have to work on getting back to walking and exercising.
I will definitely be taking it slow, I don't want to reinjure myself...  however; I really need to lose some weight to take the pressure off my back as I know that isn't helping me at all. Thankfully summer is almost here and it is quite light in the morning, I can take a quick walk around my neighborhood to get me started and my friend and I will be able to start swimming in the lakes in the evening very soon. We are both looking forward to that, it's a good way to exercise without putting more pain on our back and joints. 
I know it will take some time to get back on track to be healthy again but I have hope now, I feel like I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I had nearly given up many times over the past year, I held on because I am tenacious, I don't give up. Some days were much harder than others but I found something deep inside to hold on until I found some relief to deal with it... I will never take it for granted, I am incredibly grateful that my doctor found something to help. 

I want to thank each and every one of you for all your comments, emails, and messages on all my social media. I didn't think I would be gone this long, I truly missed you and blogging a great deal... I just didn't want to write while I was so negative. I tried to write a couple of times but I felt like the pain blocked me from any good thoughts... that's not what I wanted on my blog all the time. Sure we all have ups and downs but I felt perpetually down. Life and trials are never easy to deal with, pain can make or break you... I am thankful it didn't break me...

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