There's No Excuse To Give Up On Me

Time really gets away from you, before you know it, a week or two has gone by and I begin to wonder how it flew by and I had so little to show for it.  I kept planning on blogging and always something would get in the way but when I thought about what that something was, there was nothing that I could put my finger on. It's exactly when I realized I need to schedule time for the things I want to do as well as need to do.  I don't know that I will write weekly as I had hoped but I am going to put more effort into it in the future. 

I don't want a month or two to go by and wonder what I had accomplished... I lost my focus when I got injured and I used it as an excuse to do nothing. When I think about it, I allowed myself to give up on me... I wallowed in the injury and the pain with wondering why me? How come I had to deal with this pain when I had done everything right by eating healthy and exercising almost daily ... What had I done wrong to deserve this trial?  Hadn't I worked hard to get on the right path?  Where was reward for putting in the work?
Then a couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of ladies, lamenting the fact that I had to deal with this pain. We then talked about how many of us held on to anger and pain because we wouldn't allow ourselves to forgive others or ourselves. I found myself talking from the heart about how forgiveness is really the only path, no matter what we have had to deal with. I say this as I have dealt with a great deal of painful trials that I could have sat there and allowed it to take over my life... I knew at the age of 15 that forgiveness was the only way I could ever progress in my life... it was when I started forgiving people for pain they inflicted on me, even if they didn't feel they needed the forgiveness. 

Yet, I found myself angry and disappointed with having to deal with this trial, especially when I felt I had done nothing to bring it on... This was when I begin to think about people who did nothing to bring on catastrophic health issues or people who have lost loved ones due to freak accidents or severe weather. I begin to think about how blessed I was, I have two healthy children, I have a career I love that allows me to work from home and I have overcome one crazy trial after another... gaining strength and knowledge that helped me to grow.  I'm still not sure what I need to learn from this one but I also realized I no longer want to use it as an excuse not to work on becoming a better me. 
For the next few days I took the time to ponder the blessings I gained through trials... which made me think about when I was going through each trial and I was absolutely sure there could not be a good enough reason I had to deal with it... yet each time I got through a trial, I was able to clearly see the reason. I have heard people say that there are certain things they could never forgive, mainly because they believe that people only believe that forgiveness should be given to people who admit that have done something that caused pain and that they promise to never do that again... however; there are many people who will never admit to the pain they caused or feel they need forgiveness... forgiveness is for us, more than it is for anyone else. 

Whether the pain brought on by others or pain from life trials, forgiveness is always the answer.  Otherwise, we are the only ones that held hostage to the pain... never being free.  I had forgot this since I had been injured and not able to walk as I loved to do so much... There are other people going through health issues much worse than mine, life threatening ones. Although I understand we shouldn't measure our trials more or less than others... as what we deal with is real for us... however; I think we need to keep everything is perspective. I am sure I will have to remind myself of this in the future, I am hoping it won't take me as long to remember... I am not the only one dealing with pain and I can't use it as an excuse to give up on myself.
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Far Too Long

It has been so many months since I have sat down to write, it's not that I haven't wanted to write, as I have written many posts in my head. Sometimes no words would come which frankly I had never dealt with since I started writing... All I had to do was sit down at the computer, start writing and the words would spill out faster than I could type. I didn't understand how words failed me when it has always been what I could fall back on to when my life took twists and turns... I always felt like writing helped me to make sense of the tests and trials I have had to deal with... we all have had to deal with. 

I thought back to the past and what each trial or test had taught me over the years ... I have always ended up seeing the wisdom of why I had to go through things I often wondered if I would survive... Many of those trials taught me empathy, forgiveness, love and what true beauty was...
That was until I lost 'him' as I best friend, I had to put that one in a box and stop trying to figure out something I could not seem to find an answer for... then I ended up getting injured and it changed my life in a way I never believed I would ever see. I had worked so hard to get myself healthy and into shape. I was thankful and extremely grateful that I had found the path I was on and I was so happy to be there... now my health has been slowly declining. 
I force myself to go out when I don't feel like it, I walk short distances to keep myself mobile... every step is painful, sometimes unbearable. If it's not my legs, it's my back... I just cannot understand what this trial has to teach me, what am I supposed to learn from this? I keep thinking is this it? Is this how I am going to feel for the rest of my life?  I know there are many people that have to deal with chronic pain in their lives, I had no idea how they coped, nor did I want to know... I felt blessed that I was in minimal pain and that I could exercise often.

I don't want pity from anyone for where I am today as I am sure most people who deal with chronic pain don't want that either. I just want to deal with the pain better than I have been handling it... I want to hold onto hope that things can change, maybe even learn why this trial was given to me... however; at this time I am not close to learning and hope seems too far away for me to believe it will change. I am not trying to be negative about what I am going through, I am trying to find the good things that I have in my life. Truthfully, if I were to sit down and write all the blessings I have in my life, they would be endless... yet I would get to this trial and be stumped... unlike being able to put losing 'him' in a box... I can't put my physical health in a box, I have to deal with it daily. 
Anyhow, I wanted to thank many of you who reached out to me over the months making sure I was okay. I honestly can't thank you all enough. I kept up with my other social media because it was easy to like a picture or share a post... at least I could keep up you all and know how you were making out. I have truly missed writing... and I have missed the blogging world... we have a pretty close community. I have come to know so many of you through other methods of social media, I am pretty grateful for the technology that gives us the ability to be and stay in contact with one another. 

I'm going to write at least once a week, more if I feel the need and I am going to take this next week to catch up with all of your blogs. I am looking forward to getting back into the blogging world again. It will take me a little time to get back into the swing of it, I know once I am back on track... it will be like old times... I have been gone for far too long...

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