Overcoming Challenges

How can I fail to control myself day after day?  I don't have an answer or I wouldn't fail so often.  I keep trying to figure out what kind of pain could be so awful that I'm not willing to deal with it?

Instead I sabotage myself, it's seems like I don't like myself because if I did, I wouldn't act so impulsive and do things I otherwise wouldn't.  It's like my weight issue, if I really wanted to lose the weight like I say I do, I would change my life and make time for exercise.

So here I am once again, trying to talk myself into just feeling the pain so I can get through it to the other side.  Every time I firmly focus, I get a blow; which I know means I'm on the right track. That does NOT make it one little bit easier.

Why does it have to be the people closest to us to deliver the blows, I know they don't mean to but it's so much harder to deal with. I know, I know, I know; if I can just deal with the challenge in a different way, I can progress.

There in lies my issue, why don't I want to progress?  Why do I make everything about me with my friends.  It's not all about me, people have problems or issues and I need to learn that just because I deal with things one way, does not mean it's right for others.

I just had an ah ha moment, I've been stressing out and allowing myself to get upset. I just realized I deal with my pain by talking, other people deal with it on their own. Neither way is wrong nor does either one mean that we're not important to each other.

I'm so glad I blogged tonight, I may not have solved everything but I seriously feel better with that one ah ha moment.

Lessons Of Love And Self Worth

I've been pondering how I got to the point where I thought I was not enough and where I thought it was okay to settle for less.  I know we learn a lot from our parents while growing up.  Mine were not great model parents, they were suffering from their own feelings of self worth.

My mother held onto loving one man all her life, even though they were rarely together.  She held on to this love for my father for nearly 50 years, I wonder if she missed out on real love, holding on to an idea of love.  My father was with more women than I think he could have counted, all trying to fill a void in his life.  If he had just actually committed to one woman, he may have found what he was lacking.

So, I somehow never understood that I  was enough...  I always felt like I had to fight for love, I've learned the lesson that I am enough, I am more than enough and that any man who wants me will have to make me feel special.  I will do the same for the right man, I don't want to be in competition for someones love...

My best friend helped me to understand that, why weren't he and I best friends all our lives?  If we had, I would have learned my self worth so much sooner... he refuses to let me see less than the best in myself.  He tells me I am wonderful and special regularly, everyone needs to know that.  I think he is amazing and more grounded than most people I know.

I know what I want now, I'm willing to wait... I want nothing less than the best.  I have some changes to make but at least I have a goal to work towards, when we don't have goals we don't grow.  

My oldest daughter somehow was strong enough to know her self worth despite my lack of it, I am hoping that now that I understand my self worth that I can teach that to my youngest.  Self worth starts at home, it starts with me, knowing that I am special helps me be a better mother, partner, friend, sister....  the list goes on.

That is the legacy I want to leave my daughters, they are more than enough just being themselves and that loving isn't about pain or competition.  When they love themselves, love will be drawn to them naturally.  I finally learned that for myself.