A Letter To My Mother

The main thing that stood out for me while I was studying was the feeling I had to write a letter to my mother, my mom passed away in February 2009. I had been very close to her over the years, I didn't grow up with her from the age of six until I was fifteen but she and I became extremely close ... the year before she died we didn't talk as much as we used as life kept us both very busy and we were on opposite sides of North America. I was in Halifax, she was in Salem.

Lately I wish I could talk to her, she of all people I know would have understood what I was going through... I remember when I met her at the age of fifteen and we connected, she answered so many questions that I had.  I was able to hear the stories from when I was younger ... what I remember the most was how much she loved my father, how her eyes lit up and how happy she was... 

I also remember when things didn't work out for them a couple of years later and how very devastated she was, thinking back it breaks my heart. She was only 47 when they separated but she decided at that time to never date again and she didn't. She never stopped loving my father though and there was even a time that my parents talked about getting back together but my mother had come to a point that she wanted everything on her terms, my father wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and they went their separate ways.

I love my mother ... at the time I thought why didn't she bend a little to have what she always wanted? Today I understood, today I realized she had known her worth and that anything less then her terms would have been settling. The only thing I will do differently is that I am willing to give someone else a chance, not every man is out to break my heart. There are honest, kind caring men ... not all men lie.

You know what I remember the most about my mom... was that she didn't talk badly about other people. My dad gave her good excuse over the years but she never talked poorly of him, this was the way she was with the people in her life. I do aspire to be that way with the people in my life too. It is not always easy when someone hurts us, however; the alternative wouldn't bring peace either. I am grateful I have learned that quality from my mother. 

I missed all of you, when I could read I kept up that way but I did take a lot of time to study and prepare for my test... which I passed, I was thrilled as you can all imagine.  I had thought about diving in and taking my next course but I have decided that I will do that one in the Spring. It is pretty intense being a mama, working and taking a course... it left me very little time for me. The whole time I was off studying, all I wanted to do was write... I had some really inspiring moments. 

I will be by to visit you all over the next couple of days, I can't wait to catch up. I also wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers... this is an emotional time for me as it is for many people but I am not going to wallow in the sadness, I am going to immerse myself in the good parts of this season and keep myself busy by giving. By this time next week, I will have my tree up and decorated... I am really looking forward to Christmas this year...

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I Am Me... I Am Not You...

I just had to sit down and write this immediately, I rarely write one post after another and if I do... I usually post it the next day.  I wanted to write this now and post it right away.. I know that I talk about my David... a lot... he is my best friend.  I need to give a little background to my family dynamics for any of you to understand what I am about to say.  My mother loved my father and only him all of her life pretty well, from the time she was 24 years old, even though my father did not treat my mother good... (he cheated on her) she still loved him and gave him many second/third and forth chances...

It never worked out for them, which I find truly sad for my mother.  I was on this same path many years ago when I fell in love with Tony... it took me 23 years to get him out of my heart, he is not there anymore... if he were to message me, call me... contact me in anyway... I would politely tell him to get over it.  I have NO desire to be with him, nor do I want to be friends with him.. He was a cheater and not only did he cheat on me, he cheated with me after we separated.  I was only able to end it when he was so callous with me about Andrey raping me. I at least ended that relationship completely.

Both of my sisters had loves that they could not forget from their teenage years, Shelly moved on quicker than Lisa but both have have moved on... not to mention my grandmother who divorced my grandfather when my dad was quite young, yet she held a torch for my grandfather until the day she died... never really loving another man.

There's the background... both of my sisters have been after me to get David out of my life... here is my answer to both of them and anyone else who cares to hear it... I did not fall in love with David when we were teenagers... I liked him, I thought he was sweet... I never forgot him because he was one of the kindest boys I have ever met in my life.  We never dated, we didn't even kiss until December 14, 2011... I fell in love with him when he was man.. at the age of 47... not before, I didn't truly even know him before then... besides, he was in a relationship and I never thought or dreamt that there would be anything between us.  See my post, My One And Only.

I did not hold a torch for him over the years, I did not dream about us being together... it was not on my radar... He flirted with me for months and I never caught on... because I never in my life even thought it was a possibility... we were friends... that was it.. My relationship with David is not what my grandmother, mother or sisters had... I had that with Tony.. that's gone.

David is kind, sweet, respectful, loving... he is my best friend.  Sure I get upset that he and I did not make it romantically... we went too fast after he had separated with his nasty ex.  I cannot divulge all the horrible things that she did to him, suffice to say she is one lucky woman that I am a Christian, otherwise I would literally punch her in the face.  However; I am a Christian and I am a woman... so I don't.

Do I think David is perfect?  NO... not a all, yes I had him on a pedestal when we were first together... that was wrong of me... he never asked to be put there, he is just a man, a good man... a good father... he tries to be the best and most honest person he can be... There is nothing wrong with that... I don't want people thinking poorly of him because of me... he did not set out to hurt me, he loves me... he was sad that he hurt me, it broke his heart.

My David has not lied to me, he always tells me the truth... he cares very much about me, he knows I love him... he wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy... even if it is not with me.  Yes that would be hard for me but I love David, truly love him and I want nothing but happiness for him... that is what true love is about for me... I thought very long and hard about ending it with us as I wrote about this the other night, I even had a letter written and a blog post... when it came down to it, I knew I couldn't do it, cutting him out would have done nothing but broken my heart for good.

I am not holding a torch for David and waiting around for him to come to his senses... I am not living in a dream world or LuLu land as people refer to me.  I am living in the here and now, my David is moving on but he is not moving away from being my best friend.  He knows that I love him... it's not a big secret, he reads my blog, it is all over my blog.  Someone would have to be blind, deaf and stupid not to know, he is none of these.

I am sorry, I just get so frustrated when people tear him apart... I know it comes from me being sad about us not being together...  I understand that part but when someone, anyone says to me... I have been holding on to him for close to 35 years... I am here to tell you, that's not true, I fell in love with him 2 years ago, when I got to know him more closely and realized he was just as kind, gentle and wonderful as I thought he was when he was 15.

My David is coming home for in December, I have no illusions about him and I... we are going to hang out, go for dinner, watch a movie... all the friend things... I won't lie, I wish madly that it was different but it's not and I have come to terms with that.  I am sure I will cry about this in the future, I would not be me if I didn't but each time, it gets a little easier... I don't date, nor do I want to date as I would only hurt someone else... no one deserves that... I am really fine with not dating.  I am much too busy with other activities in my life, I have no time, nor do I have the heart to put it out there again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Enjoy The View

"I think that you have to believe in your destiny; that you will succeed, you will meet a lot of rejection and it is not always a straight path, there will be detours - so enjoy the view."

- Michael York
This quote above is true... it seems we all want a clear sailing path without the rejection or sadness but what would we learn from having a life that never had real growth opportunities?  Would we truly be happy, joyful and grateful?  I know we would all like to think that we would, I would hope that I had those qualities... However; I have seen in my own life that when things are wonderful, I tend to get lost in myself and I stop giving of me to others as I should.  Not on purpose by any means... I think trials are sometimes given to me to remind me that I am here for a higher purpose or reason than just to make myself happy.

Although I am not thrilled to admit this to myself, I would not be honest if I didn't admit that many of the trials I have gone through, I have brought on myself by poor decisions.  I know as a mother that when one of my children has made a choice that wasn't appropriate, I have had to give out consequences... In the past I was the kind of parent that would just give in because I didn't want to deal with the fall out of what discipline can bring but I have learned that unless I am firm with my resolve and I learn to understand that I am not showing love my giving in, I am showing that there are no real consequences to their actions.

I liken this to myself because although I don't want to see my children unhappy and uncomfortable, I do want them to know that a lot of the time they can avoid these feelings by making better choices in their lives.  I didn't have very good roll models when I was growing up with Ruth my ex step mother and my father.  My father let us do whatever, he was like a big teenager and he was never really a parent... case in point, when my mother and father reunited when I was fifteen, my dad didn't just let us smoke or drink, he actually bought these for us...  WOW... at the time I thought this was cool... yeah... once I became a parent I thought this was insane...  and Ruth, well let's just say she isn't really worth my words or time. 

Instead of rewarding bad behavior, I show love... I sometimes think that some of the trials we are given are to show us love... there is no trial that is easy but those trials we bring on ourselves seem the hardest to handle.  Instead of focusing on the trials lately, I have been enjoying the view along that path, the trial won't last forever and I want to learn the lesson I need to, so that I will stop repeating the poor choices I have made in the past.

This is not to say that there are not trials that happen that absolutely none of us deserve, some that are almost beyond comprehension but I have learned that although painful, there is always something that I come away with and it almost invariably strengthens me.  It's like that story about how we are always being refined and polished to become the best person we are capable of becoming, which is truly much more than we are really aware of....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Need To Stop This Merry-Go-Round

I thought about not writing tonight... not because I don't have things I want to write about but more because I think I have too much to say and too much of the same thing.  I feel like I go around in circles sometimes, which then has me thinking why I won't find a way off the merry-go-round.  At first it was fun, I laughed and really enjoyed it, lately I am only feeling sick and wanting off... it's true when people tell us that there is too much of a good thing.

I want to be able to take a chance and right now I don't feel strong enough to do that... not where it counts.  I want to say enough is enough but I don't want off the merry-go-round for good, just for a break...  I feel like I am back at square one, at least I know more now than I did, so being back at square one doesn't mean that I will stay there long.  It's just the hardest one to deal with, it's the one that knocks the wind out of me and I find it hard to breathe... I wonder if the feeling will ever go away.

I go through my options again and again, choice A is continuing on this path where I hope that I can finally make a breakthrough and see that it was all worth it one way or the other.  Which could be very good or not... or choice B which is the hardest choice, one when I think of choosing it makes me have a panic attack where I can barely breathe. 

I guess the options keep coming up because I keep choosing option A and it keeps bringing me back to the options... which means I should choose option B.  Maybe it will be the one where I finally get off the merry-go-round, I am hoping that it isn't as difficult as I think it will be... maybe it just seems that way.  I have been thinking about this because someone told me it was time for me to start dating and I instantly said no... when I think about dating and putting my heart there again, I become overwhelmed and I get short of breath.

First and foremost, I can't ever imagine loving anyone more than I love my David... I don't even think I can convey all the feelings I have for him and how he sees the best in me and wants the best for me.  I have never had anyone who cared about me like that. Second and most important is that I don't think I could handle another let down.  This one nearly took me out, I can still remember that horrible feeling when I found out that it wasn't going to work out.  I dropped to the floor and I could barely breathe... I sobbed from the depths of my soul.  It went on for days, I stayed in bed for three full days and than I finally got out to go to work, I sobbed between calls and on the bus.. anywhere, I sobbed myself to sleep.

I don't feel like that all the time anymore and I don't ever want to feel that way again.  It took me a long time to pull myself out of that, thinking about dating brings back all those feelings.  I don't know how I could ever trust anyone not to hurt me again... it's not even possible to ask that because there are no guarantees in life, so that's why I have held back on dating. 

I told my sister this after I messaged her and said, I am going to end up being like mom, aren't I?  She called to tell me, only if I choose to... My mother never took a chance again in her life after my father broke her heart because she said only one man had broke her heart twice and she wasn't willing to take a chance with anyone else.  I don't want to be like my mother... that means taking a chance and hoping it doesn't break me completely.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

More Memories Of My Mom

My mother

After I wrote the post about my mother it had me thinking about childhood incidents I had with her and while I lived with her.  When we lived with her in Grimsby Ontario, she had me start out in a little school that I remember learning how to get sap from a tree and we made syrup... a nice memory.

I also remember a time where I wrote my name all over the walls and then blamed my sister Shelly, haha.  Of course my mother saw through that and I had to wash the walls.  There was no spanking, no name calling, no degradation... just punishment that fit the crime, I never wrote on the walls again, I learned my lesson.

My memories of my childhood are fleeting... especially when I lived with my mom before the age of six.  I am glad my mom shaped me to be who I am today, I had enough of a strong foundation for who I was so that no matter how difficult my ex step mother Ruth tried to make it for me, I remembered somewhere inside that I was loved and wanted at one time.

One of the most freeing times in my life came when I was 15, nearly 16 years old... it was when my father finally left Ruth and he and my mother rekindled their relationship.  I was finally able to show emotions, say how I felt without fear of being spanked or screamed at that I was basically nothing.  My mother took all my anger in stride, she never raised her voice or belittled me, she was there for me.

When we decided to move to Niagara Falls as a family so that Dad could find Ruth's ex husband Murray that she had claimed was dead.  He wasn't so my father needed to find him so he could annul the marriage to Ruth. My mother became a stay at home mom and she always made a great breakfast for us in the morning to get us off to school.  She always did my hair, in pony's, braids.... all with different variations... I loved that time with her in the morning.

Then we would come home for supper and it was always cooking on the stove.  We didn't have a TV and we didn't miss it, we always sat in the kitchen, listening to music... talking, playing scrabble.  She spent numerous hours helping me with school, I went from a student who barley passed grade ten to the honor roll.  I excelled with my mother being there for me... Unfortunately for me, my parents decided to go to Oregon for the summer I turned 17 and I didn't want to go.   I wanted to go home to Halifax, if they had not gone to Oregon, I would have had a much different life.

Something I neglected to mention was what an incredible artist my mother was, below is photo of a huge portrait that she did for my grandmother that has three stages for my dad and my sisters.  She was beyond talented and unfortunately never really did a lot with it...  Also she could sew and I mean really sew, she made tuxedos and bridal gowns.  She could take a pattern and make it her own by changing things, everything looked very professional. 

I visited my mother for a few summers over the years and one of my most treasured times with her was when my sister Darlene made it possible for me to go to Oregon for a visit in the summer of 1995.  I was able to meet all my sisters on the west coast and I was able to spend long weekends with my mother.  She treated me like a princess, cooked my favorite meals, watched movies, played scrabble and talked.

My mom and I had played endless games of Scrabble over the years and not once did I beat her but we had so much fun and we talked about everything.  I miss those times, where I used to listen to all her stories of how she grew up and what she had been doing while we were separated.  Keeping in touch was so hard back then, it is not like it is today... When I think about my mom ... I still have questions that were never answered but I have some really treasured times with her, I felt loved, I felt safe.

 My mother more as I remember her, she did grow her hair out long again after this picture.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Mother Ann

 

With today being Women's day, I have been thinking of my mother... she was born Dona Alieen Reed on July 11, 1934 in Salem Oregon.  Her father's name was Robert Reed, he was not to be a part of my moms life as he passed away before she was two years old.  She had no memories of him and her mother, my grandmother never spoke of him, never explained what happened.

From the time my mom was a little girl, she was raised by her grandparents and her aunts and uncles outside of Salem Oregon on their farms.  She was quite the tom boy growing up, she went without shoes as often as she could... even burying the shoes that were bought for her often.  My mom also had very long (to her ankles) red hair, that she had braided; she asked often if she could have her hair cut, no one would allow her to get her hair cut... she decided one day to cut the braid off herself.

She then had the short hair she desired... she went to live with her mom in Salem when she was a teenager, by this time her mother had met and married another man.  He from all accounts was a wonderful, kind and caring man who was more a parent to my mother than her own mother. She came to love this man as her father and talked fondly of him her whole life.

When my mother was 17, she had met Dale and they married.  They had three children together, Helen, Darlene and Cheryl... a couple of years after Cheryl was born my mother and Dale separated. I must say, my mother always talked highly of Dale... it just never worked out for them.  Not too long after they had separated, my mother became pregnant with another child... she was about five months along when my father was passing through Salem on his way to Hollywood (he had dreams of being a movie star).  My father worked a ton of odd jobs crossing Canada from Halifax, Nova Scotia to Oregon... he had stopped there to pick fruit in the orchards to make money to go to Hollywood.

My father met a man while working in the orchards who was friends with my mother... this is how my parents met.  My father was just 18 and my mom was 24 at the time... my father lied about his age... hahaha... by the time my mom found out how old he was, she was in love with him and it didn't matter to them.  My parents traveled around the states, first they went to Florida when mom was due to deliver and she gave her daughter up for adoption.  It wasn't as easy to be a single mom in those days and everyone knew my dad was not the father.

My parents were to stay together for nearly ten years, they had four girls together, Kimberly, me, Shelly and Lisa.  I always chuckle and say how my parents were like gypsies...  they traveled back and forth from Halifax to Salem in a red Volkswagen bug.  My sister Kimberly was born in Salem Oregon in 1961, I was born in Halifax in 1963, Shelly was born in Salem in 1964 and my sister Lisa was born in Halifax in 1966.  The babies stopped here, only because the birth control pill was readily available.

After the fire in October 1964, where my sister Kimberly didn't survive... my parents finally settled in Halifax and tried to make their relationship work.  It was not to be though as my father decided he wanted to live in Toronto and drive big rigs.  Once we moved there, my father ended up meeting Ruth and at the young age of six, I was separated from my mother and was not to see her again until I was fifteen years old.

My father had my mom come to Halifax to meet us, she and I became incredibly close to each other (I also met my baby sister Krista at this time).  I kept up the close relationship for many years... my mother and father tried to rekindle their relationship but after two years, my father left again.  I saw this almost break my mother... she loved my father more than she had loved any man in her life.  I know she had hoped that somehow they would find their way back together... it never happened though.

Some memories I remember as a child (very few)... one time I went to a friends after school without telling my mom... I remember how scared she was, not angry... just scared... I knew she loved me.  Another memory was when she was making pancakes for us, I was five... my parents had been discussing something serious.  My father left the house and I saw my mother looking out the window, she was sad... years later I found out this was about the time my father was running around with Ruth and not long after they separated.

My mom passed away a few years ago, it was quite sudden to me as she had been fine, apparently she had some stomach issues... she went into the hospital and she passed away there, my sister Darlene was with her near the end as she lived in Salem and I lived here in Halifax.  I know my mom made mistakes in her life... who hasn't... not one of us is perfect.  We all make mistakes but my mom really did the best she could with the way she was raised.  She knew very little love growing up and when she finally found the love she was missing with my dad... that didn't work out but she never stopped loving him.

I don't have a lot of memories when I was a little girl but the ones of my mother were good, I felt loved and safe then.  It was a long time before  I would ever feel that way again...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Fire - 48 Years Ago‏

So, I've told this story hundreds of times if not thousands, even though I have no real memory of it.  Here is the story from all the collective sources. (My mom, my dad, my grandmother and a few newspaper clippings).

My mom and dad who had been together for about five years had three children.  There was my sister Kimmy (Kimberly Albina Rhyno) me (Launna Randy Rhyno) and my sister Shelly (Rochelle Lynn Rhyno).  My mother's step father had been ill in 1964 and so my dad and mom traveled to Salem, Oregon from Halifax, Nova Scotia with Kimmy, me and mom was pregnant with Shelly.

They also brought Mary (a 16 year old girl they knew from Halifax) to help out.  While we were in Oregon Shelly was born that July and by September my parents started home to Halifax, Nova Scotia.  They drove through Washington into British Columbia and ended up stopping in Kelowna BC.

They decided to rent a cabin and worked by picking fruit for money.  The morning of Monday October, 12 Thanksgiving 1964, mom and dad left for work.  It was just Mary and myself that were up, I was nearly 15 months old.

My parents had left the Coleman stove out on the table. Apparently I pulled the stove off the table which had a gas tank attached to it at the exact same time that Mary was lighting the wood stove.  Everything burst into flames and I was in the center of it all. 

Kimmy was in the bedroom off to one side and Shelly was in the back bedroom.  Mary walked through the flames to save me.  She tried to talk Kimmy into coming but she was too afraid of the fire. Mary ran to the closest neighbor with me and they drove her and me to the orchard to let my parents know and someone called the firemen.

Mary and I were rushed to the hospital, my parents got back to the cabin to find it burned to the ground.  Kimmy had died, Shelly was pronounced dead at the scene (they revived Shelly on the way to the hospital).  They had seen me and I was massively burned.

I can see why my mother had a difficult time celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving as she nearly lost her whole family that day. My mom said she remembered very little for the first couple of weeks due to shock.  She remembered Kimmy being buried in red silk, her favorite color.

My father than fell apart and my mom sent him back to Halifax to be with his parents while she looked after Shelly and drove between two hospitals daily to see Mary and me.  Then on the 10th day in, Mary died (apparently she couldn't deal with the fact that Kimmy had died).

My mother was a strong woman but this even shook her.  She said she had nearly fallen to pieces but she had to be strong for my sister and me.  I was going through numerous operations, she was told I wouldn't live, then when I lived, she was told I wouldn't have feet to walk with and I'd be lucky to have patches of hair.

I was a fighter,  I survived and beat all the odds.  It was pretty amazing to survive after 60% of my body was burned, especially in 1964.   Anyhow I'm still walking with my feet the doctors thought I would lose and I have enough hair for two people. The plastic surgeons worked miracles and made it possible for me to live a fairly normal life.

I cry when I think about what my parents had to deal with, losing Kimmy the way they did.  They never overcame the grief and although they had my sister Lisa in 1966, they separated within a couple of years.  By 1969 my mom had left and I was not to see her again until 1978 when I was 15. 

My parents tried to reconcile but it didn't work out, which I feel was horribly sad.  My mother loved my father with her whole heart and she did until the day she died. My father was never truly happy, he searched his whole life and had addictions to cover the pain he had.

That fire in October 1964 ended up destroying my family and changing us all for the rest of our lives, we still deal with the repercussions to this day.

I am, however; extremely grateful to Mary for walking through the fire to save me, I'm thankful for the firemen who saved my sister Shelly, I'm indebted to the doctors who worked miracles on me.

There are blessings even in difficult times.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Telling The Truth, Even When You're Afraid

Although I love the Fall (it's my favorite season), there are difficult or I should say emotional days coming up though.  Canadian Thanksgiving is one of them as it is the anniversary of the fire I survived 48 years ago (my sister did not).  I will write in greater detail about this on Sunday or Monday.   My mother never wanted to celebrate it and I didn't do a lot for it for years.  I've decided that I need to celebrate all of the holidays as there is good in everyone of them.

Another day November 4th will be a hard one for me, it's the day last year when I realized my David actually more than just liked me as a friend.  It was the start of my whirl wind happiness where I floated above cloud nine for months.  Be careful of those clouds, the falls can be hazardous to you.

I'm still continuing to look for the good...  my 'D' and I are friends, which is incredibly important to me.  Maybe we are not completely back to us but we are moving in the right direction, it's all I can ask for where he and I are concerned.  

Although I had been writing off and on for a little over two years, losing my relationship with David spurred me to write regularly.  I had/have so many emotions that I had to get out or I would burst. Writing frees me and it helps me to find a way to deal with the pain and sadness I've had in my life.  It helps me to see the good, there's always good, even if it is difficult to always find.

You know all those addictions we have to hide our pain.... mindless TV, eating inappropriate food, shopping, drinking.... the list can go on and definitely get much worse than this.  When I was sure I was handed more than I could deal with, I dealt with the pain with some old comfortable methods.  We all do this until we learn to cope with disappointment in a better way.

 
The best way to deal with this is to be open and honest (tell on ourselves) .... otherwise you will always go down the wrong road to deal with life's difficulties.  I want to change how I handle sadness, pain and disappointment.  My old methods don't help me, they only numb me... the pain is always there to deal with someday.  Oh... not that I'm not afraid to be honest... I am.  I have a great deal to lose but hiding the truth can destroy me more, I have to believe that I am worth more and that I can be forgiven for slipping up.

  "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Sometimes You Just Have To Cry

I'm pretty sure the people on the bus must think I'm one of the saddest people ever.  Each morning I get on the bus, settle in... start thinking and pondering, next I'm crying.  I should have a sign that says heart broken, then everyone would understand.

People don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving or sad.  It makes them feel uncomfortable, so they say things like, stay strong, it will get better.  Sometimes being strong isn't enough, sometimes you just have to cry. 

I guess this broken heart has taught me massive compassion.  When I see someone crying, I'll just hug them and be there for him.  It's the only thing anyone can do for me.  I really get more upset when people think I should just get over it now.

I kind of understand why my mother closed her heart off after my dad broke it one too many times.  We cannot help who we love in this life and when they disappoint you and break your heart, it's not easy to recover. 

I'm one of those people who cannot hide my feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve and it doesn't matter where I am when my emotions hit.  I feel all my emotions strongly, hence why I tried to cover them for so long.  That's not good though, they are always there to have to deal with eventually.

I guess we make the decision how long we will be in pain, we either process the feelings when they hit or we prolong it for later.  It doesn't just go away, as much as we want it to...   This cleanse is not letting me hide anything. 

A very good friend told me this yesterday:  'I should tell you how much I admire your tenacity. No matter how rough you feel, you go to work. I quit when the first tear drop falls'.  If I didn't go to work every time I cried, I'd really have something to cry about, I'd be living in a box on the side of the road.

So I just keep moving forward even if I'm crying.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

When Will We Feel We Are Enough?

I wish...   maybe there's a better word...   wishing doesn't get me what I want.  Wishing only leaves me in the past, living with "What ifs?" and "If onlys".

I guess I would like to understand why my two sisters and I have had such a hard time making relationships last.  It had to come from being raised in a dysfunctional family, although who hasn't?   The three of us grew up feeling unloved and unwanted, in a way we have abandonment issues from our mother not being there for 9-10 years of our lives, so we looked for love from the world and all the wrong places.

I also think we lacked self worth, feeling somehow we'd be lucky to find someone.  We are three strong individual women, we all worked hard to be where we are today.  I think we were in the pick me, love me group, never feeling worthy.  Choosing men that couldn't or wouldn't love us, I guess that we did this so that we could say "see I was right, I'm not enough". 

I've come far past that point, I am enough, my sisters are enough.    I am worthy of having someone love me.   Funny now that I really know that, I don't want it anymore.  I'd only want it if it were with my "D", otherwise it's way too much work, especially when you have to figure out if your compatible.

Being single isn't so terrible, especially since I understand my self worth so much better.  It's just sad that it took far too long for me to discover that I am worth it, even when I am having a rough day, I will always try to remember that. 

I'm thinking of writing a few letters to my younger self, I've heard it's very therapeutic.  I know blogging is that way for me, I am able to get some of my frustrations out by writing and then I eventually let it go.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

How Do I Learn To Love A Man That Is Only Available To Me?

My sister and I were talking in great depth tonight about why we continually choose unavailable men.  It has to do with how we were raised, being abandoned by our mother who had absolutely no contact with us for 10 years.  When we finally did have contact she had every excuse in the book for not having any contact with us, she tried to justify it with so many reasons.  I forgive my mother, she was in pain, just wanting to be loved and not knowing how to ask for that love. She only raised one child of all the nine children she had, I used to think I would have loved being raised by her, she was cool, understanding, not abusive; my youngest sister was raised by her and now I a realize how lucky I was not to be raised by her.  I am stronger for what I went through, I am independent, my baby sister is not.

Next I was raised by my father and my ex step mother Ruth, she was so incredibly abusive.  She was degrading and hurtful in every way she could be but what my father did was worse, he was there and he was blind to what was going on.  Even worse was my grandmother who knew what was going on but never stood up for us; often what hurts us more is the people who are supposed to love and protect us that turn a blind eye to what is going on for fear that they would have to change. What Ruth did was intolerable but I am free from her and all the degradation, however; as much as I have tried to free myself from how my father dealt with the situation, I continue to choose men that are totally unavailable to me.

I honestly have forgiven my father, my mother and even Ruth... they were all so screwed up and didn't love themselves enough. I want to be better than them, I know that I wouldn't turn a blind eye to my children if they were living in a painful situation.  I would act and change it for them, no matter what it meant changing in my life.  I am glad I did learn a lesson from everything that I dealt with.  Mostly I learned that I am not my past, I can be and I am better than anything I was or dealt with in the past.  I am really a strong and tenacious woman, someone who rebounds continually from difficult and life changing issues.

The only thing I cannot seem to learn is how not to be attracted to unavailable men.  I have come so far in my life, I am independent, I have a great career, I have awesome and amazing friends.  I am a good, kind, loving and wonderful person, I have not allowed the past to define who I am, however; I cannot seem to choose a man who loves only me, who is available to only me.  I have so much to offer the right man, I am faithful, honest, giving, loving, kind... even more I believe that I am deserving of real love.  I never used to believe that but I do now.

How do I learn to love a man that is available to only me?  If I don't learn that lesson I will forever be alone. I am truly hoping that this cleanse will help me to figure this out.  I have been highly emotional and it has only been a couple of days.  I am sure there will be many more times where I will cry and be angry while doing this cleanse but I'm doing it to grow and to figure out what I need to do to change the patterns in my life that no longer serve me.

Lessons Of Love And Self Worth

I've been pondering how I got to the point where I thought I was not enough and where I thought it was okay to settle for less.  I know we learn a lot from our parents while growing up.  Mine were not great model parents, they were suffering from their own feelings of self worth.

My mother held onto loving one man all her life, even though they were rarely together.  She held on to this love for my father for nearly 50 years, I wonder if she missed out on real love, holding on to an idea of love.  My father was with more women than I think he could have counted, all trying to fill a void in his life.  If he had just actually committed to one woman, he may have found what he was lacking.

So, I somehow never understood that I  was enough...  I always felt like I had to fight for love, I've learned the lesson that I am enough, I am more than enough and that any man who wants me will have to make me feel special.  I will do the same for the right man, I don't want to be in competition for someones love...

My best friend helped me to understand that, why weren't he and I best friends all our lives?  If we had, I would have learned my self worth so much sooner... he refuses to let me see less than the best in myself.  He tells me I am wonderful and special regularly, everyone needs to know that.  I think he is amazing and more grounded than most people I know.

I know what I want now, I'm willing to wait... I want nothing less than the best.  I have some changes to make but at least I have a goal to work towards, when we don't have goals we don't grow.  

My oldest daughter somehow was strong enough to know her self worth despite my lack of it, I am hoping that now that I understand my self worth that I can teach that to my youngest.  Self worth starts at home, it starts with me, knowing that I am special helps me be a better mother, partner, friend, sister....  the list goes on.

That is the legacy I want to leave my daughters, they are more than enough just being themselves and that loving isn't about pain or competition.  When they love themselves, love will be drawn to them naturally.  I finally learned that for myself.

Judgements

 The other night I was thinking about my mother, I never grew up with her or knew much of her until I was 15,  I had only vague memories of her but all of them were good.  Like the time I didn't get off at the right bus stop and I put so much fear on my mother, I remember how loving and worried she was, I knew I was loved.  Well, when I reconnected with her, we really connected.  I could talk to her about everything and anything.

Then things changed when I had my second daughter Valentina, I wondered how my mother could possibly have abandoned me when I was so small and vulnerable and then actually raise my youngest sister.  Well, the other night I thought who am I to judge my mother?  My goodness, I have not been the best mother but I have loved my children.

My mother may have not been the perfect mother but she was my mother and I know she loved me and wanted the best for me, she wanted me to be happy.  Isn't that what we really want for our children.

Yes my life growing up as a child was abusive and difficult but I over came it, there was no way that I was going to be defined by my ex step mother Ruth.  She was wrong about us, we didn't just survive we thrived.  We all raised strong, beautiful children.  I attest my strength to overcome my childhood to my mother in many ways, she had me for my most informative years and she always made me feel loved and wanted when I was around her.

I had that memory to get me through, so who am I to judge my mother when she gave me a strong foundation of love to begin with.  I have stumbled but I have never given up completely.  I have come to a point in my life that I understand that nothing is black and white, nothing.

I love my mother and I am glad that I told her that often.