No More What If's

This weekend has been a busy one, my oldest Andrea is home for a visit. My nephew got married so she came up for that and stayed a few days for a visit.  She was only able to come by herself, we had a good time though... we went to the wedding together, which was beautiful, then I cooked tacos for her on Saturday, like old times and then yesterday we went shopping for a new pair of Nike's for Jackson.

Anyhow, this is why I have been absent from reading and answering blogs, she is flying home early tomorrow morning and then it is back to work for me.  I am hoping to go to the fireworks tonight, as long as the weather holds up.  Then the following week Valentina will be going camping for 6 days and I will be on my own.  I plan to get back into walking as much as I can, I will be able to just go when I feel like it.

I read a blog a few days ago and it was incredible, it kept asking the question What If? to the many different instances in the writers life.  I commented that I had to put the what if's away, the what if's were pulling me down, not allowing me to move forward. It had been a very long road to get to that point and the thought of allowing the what if's to take me back there, would only have me going backwards and I want to live in the present. 

When I stopped living with the questions of what if's? I started moving forward... Is it still sad sometimes? Yes... in can be, but I wanted more than the what if's? I want what I deserve too, a good, honest and kind man... one that sees how wonderful and committed I am.

I am going to be very busy taking 2 courses at the same time, plus being a mama, working full time and exercising.  I need to get these by the end of the year, I am going to give it my best to complete both of them. Then I can have my PCP and run payroll anywhere in Canada.  I will be catching up with you as much as I can, I will have a ton of homework... but I will need a little down time, so reading will be a must ... I will comment as often as possible.  Of course if you comment on my blog I will definitely reciprocate.

The reason I am putting all the effort I can into getting my CPA is that I don't want to look back a year from now and say I wish I had completed those courses. I have what it takes to finish them and to excel. Since losing the weight, I saw that I was capable of whatever I put my mind to... there will be No More What If's...

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Absence Of Me

I have been very busy with my oldest daughter Andrea, my son in law Paul and my grandson Jackson visiting that I have had very little time to actually blog... That is changing as they are heading home on Thursday morning.  I cannot even begin to explain how enamored I am with my grandson, he gives kisses and hugs and says I love you nana... my heart melts every time I look at his sweet face.  He is such a happy little boy, I love that about him.  I know he can be a handful for his parents... he is almost two but I see the sweetness in him even when he is somewhat out of control... due to lack of sleep or the very little sugar he is allowed to have...

So, it will be back to normal for me on Thursday, I have been readily available at a moments notice while my oldest daughter was here which meant I didn't get in as much walking, my decision, not hers.  I just wanted to spend as much time as I could with her and her beautiful little family.  Something had to give, a little less exercising and writing in my blog. Truly I should be in bed, catching up on some much needed sleep but I felt the need and desire to write... first I had to catch up with all the blogs I follow, the number is rising but I find that since I have added them to my Bloglovin list and I get all the updates in one place, so it's been easier for me to find a quick moment on my phone to read and comment on a few, instead of doing a bunch in the morning and the rest at night.

I thought about how I had been absent for the past couple of nights, I have had really late nights and I have had very little energy to even think, let alone write...  Hence why I had the need to do a catch up blog. I know I don't have to write in this every night but for me writing everyday, or close to it as possible, is like following my exercise plan and eating healthy, it becomes a habit, a good habit that helps me to be better and to be more present.  When I am absent due to commitments or lack of sleep, I miss the writing, the exercising... etc.

Consequently, I felt like I have been absent from my blogging by not putting any effort into preparing a blog, even though I was spending time reading others and being very inspired by so many.  I felt the need to write tonight... or early Wednesday morning, so that I won't allow my absence to become permanent.  The same with my exercise, I am going back at it with full force tomorrow, no excuses... I am going to exercise my 3-4 miles, I am making the time.  There are a ton of reasons I can think of for taking a break but not one of them are good reasons, being absent is never good for me... being present, helps me to excel at the challenges that have been set before me... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Emotional Loop

I was able to get out for a two mile walk yesterday... not enough though.  This rain has me down, I need to find rain boots so that I can walk whenever I want to...  I am tired of waiting for my shoes to dry out each time.

I then spent most of the day with Andrea, Paul and Jackson... we went out for Mexican food.  I ate a salad without the dressing.  It tasted pretty good as the chicken was moist and favorable.  I went over my calories a bit today but still not too bad.  I don't get weighed at work again until next Friday as I was on vacation this week but I weighed myself at home this morning and I am down 5 more pounds... that makes it a total of 15, so far.

I also spent the night copying all the blogs I follow and their links as I keep reading how GFC (Google Friend Connect) is going away... I didn't want to lose any of the people I follow and not everyone is on Bloglovin...  If you would like you can follow me there.  Here is the link to Bloglovin, also if you add Bloglovin to your blog, I will follow you there too. 

I'm lying in bed this morning making mental notes of what I need to do today... listening to the rain against my window.  Usually I love days like this as they give me an excuse to relax.  However; since Andrea, Paul and Jackson are here... I would much prefer there to be nice weather so we could go out with Valentina and do things together as a family. Also, we want to take a family photo together and we want to take it outdoors.

Every time I am sure I have it together, something comes along to show me that I don't.  It's not that I think I can have it all figured out as life is ever changing... no one has it all figured out (if they say they do, they are kidding themselves).  What I mean by having it together is that I am emotionally strong enough to move to the next stage.

I'm not though, why cannot I not get there?... am I always going to be in this loop that never seems to end?  I think I will be there until I can find answers or closure... I need that to move forward.

Until then I will just deal the highs and lows by writing and walking... I'm very dedicated to getting control of my weight.  Definitely in a healthy way as I don't much care if I am 20-30 pounds over weight, as long as I am strong and healthy.  I know people that are the supposedly the perfect weight but they eat the worst food and could not walk a block without wanting to pass out.  Being slim does not mean you're healthy...

I happen to be a woman who embraces her curves and loves them.  I like my shape, I just want a smaller version... one where I can feel comfortable while running a 5 and 10 K... but still look sexy in a dress that shows off my curves.

Eventually with my tenacity I will have both... a strong body with lots of curves.  Will I then be able to free myself from the emotional loop to move forward?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Today I Succeeded, What About Tomorrow‏?

Andrea showed up quite late last night... about 3:00 am, she went directly to her dads... They showed up about lunch time at my house and I was finally able to kiss my handsome little Jackson... he is one adorable little boy.  I hope the weather clears up, I want to take him for a walk to the Public Gardens so he can feed the ducks.

I didn't get much walking in today... only 30 minutes due to all the waiting around.  Tomorrow I am just going to take my walk first thing in the morning, probably an hour to an hour and a half.  I need to clear my head and walking does that for me. Also, tomorrow is the last day of school for Valentina, a short day but that will be when I take my walk.

 
I'm feeling a bit out of sorts today, mainly because I'm used to talking to my 'D' pretty well everyday, it's been a couple of days for me.  I just need to hear from him... to know that everything is okay.

I have been so focused on walking and eating healthy that I haven't even realized that I've been pushing my feelings down so that I don't have to deal with them.  They are still there, threatening to spill over.  It's not like I think I have it all figured out because that's not even possible.

The other day my doctor asked me if I was happy? I was about to give the pat answer that of course I was... but this is my doctor, I have known her for close to 25 years... so I said, no...  Isn't it possible that I could stop being sad most of the time?  Instead of feeling that I walk and I write... I've already wrote once today and walked... Today it wasn't enough... today I cried...

Today I felt like doing anything but feeling, today I fought the desire to eat or use anything I could think of not to cry... Today I succeeded but what about tomorrow?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Fullfilling A Challenge

So, last night was a complete write off for me, I spent the morning taking on a challenge of mine... which was walking to the top of Main Avenue, it is all up hill, with very small breaks in between.  I did it with two short breaks to catch my breath and cool myself off a bit; it was lightly raining which helped to keep me cool and I was grateful for this.  I felt so good completing it and I did it in roughly 35 minutes from my house, then I stopped in to visit my Cindy on the way back and finally headed home to get a little rest.

My oldest Andrea had messaged that somehow they had overslept and missed their plane, I went for the walk while they frantically worked with the airlines to get a later flight... when I arrived home she had found that she would be able to get to Halifax by midnight... This didn't happen as something happened that they had to sleep at LaGuardia airport for the night... not sure what happened there.  All I know is that it has to be difficult with a toddler and I hope she makes it home soon. 

I did end up walking 5 miles for the day after I took Valentina out for a walk in the early evening... we would have went for a much longer walk but the skies were threatening to open up and pour down on us, so I didn't want to take any chances.  What I really need is to buy something I can put my phone in to protect it from the rain, I need to carry it for when I am mapping my walk.  I will have to look for a product like this; as well I want something that I can strap the phone to me instead of holding it in my hands.  I don't have pockets in this heat... once cool air hits, I will be wearing a hoody that has pockets.

Anyhow, after arriving home last night, I just flaked out around 8:30-9:00 and didn't get up until almost 9:00 am this morning.  I was literally exhausted.  Unfortunately I didn't sleep through the whole night as I wake up every 3-4 hours at a time but I did stay in bed and went back to sleep.  Walking is helping me to sleep a little better, it uses a lot of my energy and tires me out... which is good.

Saturday it will be two weeks that I started walking and actually walked everyday, after I write this I am going for a walk... I need to be consistent for the first month and once I have this set as something I do everyday, if I miss a day due to terrible weather, I will still go back the next day.  I want this to become a regular habit, one I don't even think about,  one that just happens like it always should.

Some people are telling me it's not good to exercise everyday... maybe if I was strength training or running but this is walking... Our great grand parents walked everywhere they went and I doubt they took a day off to rest, even on Sunday's as they went to church.  I know that when I start running that I won't do that every single day but I think walking is okay.

I wanted to end this post with this quote I read this morning:

"Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try."
Gail Devers

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Decisions Made With Love

I have been so in the zone with exercising that I don't even let the heat get to me, I just make sure I have water and I hydrate as much as possible.  Now saying this, I do not go out in the afternoon for a walk unless it is cool out... I usually walk in the morning and in the early evening.  I did walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes today... I would much rather walk outside then in that controlled environment.  However; once the icy weather hits in the winter, I am sure I will utilize the treadmill on a permanent basis.  At least until the spring hits again... until then, I am going to enjoy being outdoors.

Alright, enough on exercising... I am addicted to it... so I have been thinking of taking a break from social media.  Either that or I am going to have to slow it down somehow.  I have already cut off all but a couple of notifications from Facebook... however; there is Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, We Heart It... the list is endless.  So, what I have decided is that I will turn off my phone at work... stick it in the drawer and not turn it back on until lunch and after work.  I will allow myself to use it on the bus both ways...  I certainly survived without a cell phone for many years, I am sure I can live without one for 8 hours per day.

With all the walking I am doing, I certainly don't have time to play on the phone .. I only have it with me so that I can Map My Walk... what an awesome app, that and Fitness Pal... LOVE these two apps that help to keep me on track.  I start my vacation on Wednesday, I am going to take the opportunity to take walks that consist of more than a mile or two... just to push myself a little outside of my comfort zone.. Oh my, I am fixated on exercising... okay... done

I find lately that I am longing for simpler days, I want Valentina to have those days... the kind I had when I was growing up.  The ones where we played outside all day, with a jump rope, a ball.. maybe our bikes and just had fun inventing games. Then on rainy days we used our imagination and drew pictures, colored, played school and store... we used our minds and had fun.  My blogging friend Joy from Starting With Myself, reminded me today with her blog how much we have got away from doing this with our children...  What a disservice to our children... they have lost out on fun while we keep giving them every gadget going.

I am not going to continue down that path with Valentina, it stops here... I have done a lot to let her be a little girl for as long as possible... I am going to stand firm by not letting her have a phone for a few more years, I may have one she can use when she is out, so I can reach her but it will not be for use all day long.  Also, I have limited TV with her a great deal, I rarely watch it and I don't want her wasting her time for hours on end with it either.  When school is back, there will be no TV from Monday morning until Friday evening.  Can you call me the unpopular mama... oh well, that is what being a mama is about, not about being her friend and letting her have whatever she wants, it is about the tough decisions. The decisions made with love, the ones she will appreciate when she is older...

I think many of us as parents feel like we don't give our children enough time, so we try to compensate in other ways... I am one of the main culprits, I have a very long commute and I have little time with my Valentina... The answer does not lie in giving her more things, the answer lies in me giving her as much of me as I can, which I do now when I take her out for a walk each night... it also lies in those tough decisions I make with love because that is what they are, I love Valentina, I want the best for her and sometimes making those unpopular decisions are extremely tough. However; it is because I love her that I make the tough decisions, the ones where she feels as though I am a meanie and she 'hates' me... wants a new mama....

Believe me those words hurt a lot but I just keep on and eventually she comes around and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me... those times are worth it.  I am learning to be a stronger mama, I was not like that with Andrea... I was a weakling in many ways... I give the credit to Andrea for being so strong willed and to our church that helped her keep her morales above her friends.  I can't rely on Valentina being as strong as Andrea was that way... most children need to be guided with decisions made with love.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Disconnect To Connect...

I haven't been avoiding writing, I have been exhausted... I am pretty sure I slept for 9 hours last night... too bad it wasn't through the whole night but that comes because of my age.  I woke up at 8 am this morning, determined not to waste my Saturday sleeping it away... I caught up on all my blogs and then finally got myself moving to go out for a walk.  It was slightly warm but I walked for an hour in total, I stopped off at Cindy's to visit in between... I walked a lot of hills today, which is good... next week I am going to walk up Main Avenue, now that is a hill.  I will let you all know how I make out.

So for the good news, I am down 10 pounds for my first week, can I tell you how thrilled I am... I am so happy... I ended up walking for 24 miles last week.  This week I am going to aim for 28-30, that means I will have to walk on the treadmill at work for 20 minutes at lunch on top of the extra extra walking I am doing already.  I am so pumped and so in the zone.  I am eating healthy food and within my calorie intake...  I am not letting anything derail me.  I have a lot to prove to myself and I have something to prove to others.

Andrea, Paul and Jackson will be home on Wednesday, I still plan to walk as much as I possibly can... I don't want to miss a day if at all possible; I am making this a way of life.   I was able to get the time off next week for when Andrea is home, so we can spend a good deal of time together.  I am hoping to borrow a stroller and take Jackson on some of the walks I intend to take...  I think it will be fun, walking him around this city and great exercise for me.

On a side note, I am slightly frustrated with some people and their behavior... in the past I would have become so mad, then sad... then I would have done something to cover those feelings up.  This time I walked and I walked, which then helped me to sleep better at night... mostly from pure exhaustion..  For now it is okay for me to walk off my frustration but eventually I will have to deal with that issue head on.... Do you ever feel like you do all the hard work in a relationship?  Well that frustrates me that I feel like I do it all myself, there are a great deal of my friends that I find I have to make the first initiation...  Our lives have become too busy, too cluttered with things and time wasters... instead of connecting, we are disconnecting from each other.

Don't get me wrong I love technology it can bring us together when we allow it but I also feel we are so weighted down with overload of information that we just shut down and forget that we need a little human contact.  I had a wonderful visit with Cindy today, I had my phone but I just plugged it in and chatted with her while Valentina ran around outside with her friends... it reminded me of when I was younger and we just played outside for hours, enjoying all the made up games we had with each other... those times we really connected with each other.

I had two incidents in the last week that made me think... the first one I was buying a backpack for when I am walking.  Valentina noticed that some small change purses were on sale, I said... we don't buy things just because they are on sale, we buy things because we need them.... the cashier said... that's a good way to be... Of course it is... too often we think let's get it because of the sale, hence why we have too much stuff.  The other incident was in the grocery store and I told Valentina she could have a package of Tic Tacs... she was finding it hard to choose between the two flavors and wanted both and became frustrated with me.  I looked at her and said, you can have one or you can have none... she chose one.  The cashier said, good for you, too many parents give in and give both or try to talk their children into one.  My motto is one or none.

I think this walking that I am doing is clearing my head and making me look at life in a better way, one week ago I wondered where I would find the time to exercise; well... I found the time...  This is important in so many ways, one since I cannot take medication for my high cholesterol..  so walking and eating healthy is going to take care of that issue. Two, Valentina and I have lots of time together and she is exercising right along with me and three... I am gaining more than I can explain here right now... suffice to say that there are big changes on the way.  Some that people are going to like, others not so much but they are all good for me.

I can't leave without mentioning the weather in Alberta, I have quite a few friends out there... thankfully none of them have been affected by the flooding yet.  Most of them are on higher ground... My David just posted that there is a tornado watch up where he is in Alberta... all I can say is wow... the weather is becoming crazier and crazier everyday I turn on the news.  I am praying for everyone out there to be safe... Sadly I don't think this is the end of all this crazy weather that is happening in many places, which is pretty scary to say the least...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Remembering The Importance Of Gratitude

I am so grateful the weather has been holding out... it's given me the time to get into the walking zone. Tomorrow it's supposed to rain.. I'm still planning on walking... I have a decent rain coat and I am not made of sugar.

I decided after yesterdays rant I wanted to write a thankful for post... I like to remind myself periodically that I'm blessed more than I know.

First I can walk... I'm so grateful my leg healed so quickly and completely... in time for the wonderful weather.

Next I have a wonderful job that I had full benefits while I was off healing... there are not many companies like that... I am thankful.

My new sitter is very good and prompt... she has Valentina walking everywhere... which is what she needs.

I am grateful that my work started up the biggest loser... it was exactly what I needed to get motivated to get back on track.

I am excited and thankful that Paul, Andrea and Jackson will be here next week.... I get to see Jackson in person.... this is one happy glama nana....

I'm grateful for my tenacity... although my life is falling apart in front of my eyes...  I keep walking forward.

I'm thankful that I will finally be able to go zip lining next week... a huge fear of mine but something I REALLY want to do.  You may hear my screams from there.

I have gratitude for blogging and other bloggers.... I have gained so much insight from a lot of you.... some of you have changed my life for the better in ways I may not be able to express to you.

I'm grateful for my very good close friends... I know I can count on you all as I hope you know you can count on me.

I'm thankful that even though life can change on a dime... it is usually for the best... even though it can take time to see those blessings.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Chaos Precedes Change

I am going to take the night off of writing, so that I can attempt to do a blog revamp on my own... I am not the least bit technical so wish me luck, I am going to need it...lol.  I just want to simplify it with less wild colors and not so busy.  I would ask my very talented daughter Andrea to do this for me... but she already did this for me a couple of years ago, plus she is super busy with my handsome, adorable grandson Jackson.  Also, they are coming home to Halifax the end of this month, I am super excited...

My boss is working on getting me a few days off so I can spend time with them when they are here, as Andrea and I want to go zip lining in the valley... woot... lots of pictures of that will be posted, me screaming at the top of my lungs... haha.

Anyhow, hopefully I will be able to fix my blog up the way I want... at least until Andrea has time to do something over the summer.  I am grateful that I am feeling better and more hopeful, I am glad I put the fear where it belonged, far away from me.... I am so much more relaxed, facing the fear does that :)

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Walking That Fine Line

My Valentina is getting to that age where she is wanting a little freedom, I am trying to be a responsible parent and give a little.  I cannot shelter her for the rest of her life like I want to, I can't make all her decisions for her, just so she doesn't have to live with bad choices.  The teenage years are looming quickly, I am not looking forward to them... they were scary enough with Andrea, with Valentina I worry she is too trusting and soft hearted. 

She came to me tonight and asked if she could go to a sleep over to a girl she barely knows, I told her I would think about it because I like time to prepare my answer.  I am not ready for that type of night out yet, if I knew the girl and her family I might be inclined to think differently... however; I am very protective of Valentina and Cindy is even more so.

I do have to give her a little lee way with some choices she wants to make, clothing, make up and nail polish... all of these are not life threatening, so I don't waste anytime arguing about these choices.  I am sure she will learn as she goes along about some of her choices and she will then make new and better ones.  She won't be super happy with me about this decision but I do think this is an important battle, I have to protect her, especially since she is still so young.

Being a mama is rewarding and difficult at the same time... I wouldn't change having either of my daughters, I have been extremely blessed.  Besides Andrea told me that I should put my foot down early and not let Valentina get away with what she did.  I tend to agree but then again Andrea turned out pretty great and she can think for herself and make very good choices.  Of course Valentina is a lot younger in her maturity than Andrea was at the same age. Two very different children, each with their own challenges and each with their own rewards.

I am trying to walk that fine line where I don't push Valentina away but that I don't smother her either.  That's the toughest line to walk, also, it is not the most popular line to walk.  One of the things I do expect from Valentina that I didn't stress enough for Andrea is a little respect... I understand frustration as I get that way myself but I don't want anyone, least of all my children disrespecting me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Taking A Step Back Can Be Good

I have been wanting to write all day after taking the night off last night.  I had parent teacher night where I met Valentina's new teacher... very sweet, you can tell she loves her students and she adores my Valentina, also she is doing so wonderfully in English and not struggling like she did when she was in French Immersion., so I am happy for her that she is excelling in school now.

I figured I would get up early and write but Cindy my best friend and sitter has been really ill lately and I have had to take Valentina to her house which means leaving at around six am to bus her up there and than me back down and out to work.  Sadly it looks as if Cindy will not be able to continue to care for my Valya, as she is so sick, She and I are going to work on finding someone else.  This is hard though, I want someone that loves Valentina as much as Cindy does and has the same values.

This is going to be so difficult for Cindy, Valentina and me, I always knew how blessed I was to have Cindy, I never ever took her for granted. She is the one that was there for me through all the craziness and supported me no matter how many bad choices I made.  I just want Cindy to be better and without pain.... no one should have to deal with that kind of pain...

So, after work today I had an appointment to cut Valentina's hair, her idea... not mine.  It turned out short but very cute. It will be much more manageable for her and besides her hair grows fast, we had wanted to donate her hair but you need at least ten inches and she only had eight to give.... We are keeping that hair in a pony with a ribbon and then I am going to box frame it.  The hair dresser even thought we had colored her hair because of the amazing natural high lights she has in her hair.  My daughter is nine... I do not color a nine year olds hair.  My oldest daughter Andrea has blonde hair with white blonde streaks that hair dressers always thought we did to her hair, they were always in awe when I explained it was natural.

I then went to buy groceries and I did not get home until after eight pm, I had to put her to bed and then finally could sit down and relax.  I did way too much today and my legs are letting me know it, I plan to rest them tomorrow afternoon as we have one more big activity, her school spring fling.  She loves it and she always has so much fun.

I need to simplify again, I don't like being busy every minute of the day... I want some downtime to rejuvenate me.  When I take a little more on than I can handle, I compensate by doing things like over eating, which is definitely not good for me.  The truth is that if I don't take care of me, no one else will.  I don't want to be a hermit in my house all the time by any means but I do like a night here and there without having to go somewhere after work.

The good thing about aging is that I don't stay in that state where I wear myself too thin trying to be everything to everyone.  It isn't possible, when I find that I am spinning a little out of control, I take a step back and start focusing on what is really important.  Eighty percent of what I think I need done can always wait and it is more than okay for me to say no when I am not capable of taking on one more thing.  I have really come to learn a great respect for someones time, that's one of the reasons if someone is driving me somewhere, I am waiting outside for them.  I don't expect them to wait a minute longer than necessary.. There are times it is good to take a step back and then more forward again.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

My Three Wants

I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of my life, which means what do I want today because no one is offered tomorrow for a certainty.  When I think about what I really want, there are only three things, one I want to see my children with joy in their lives, I see a lot of that in them now, I want to see more.  Two, I want to do something more with my writing, I have some ideas and I am researching them... I will see what comes of it all and third, I want to be able to see my David, I want to have a gigantic bear hug from him with those huge arms of his... I always felt safe in them... that way I could lay my head on his chest and just feel him breathe, than I could breathe that way again before everything changed.

I think it is funny when we sit down and really think about what we want and none of them usually entail material items... not that it's wrong to want things, they are just not what is most important to me.  My wants are the simple things in life, the things that give me happiness and joy... the long term kind.  I don't want instant gratification, that never brought any lasting joy.  It actually has left me feeling emptier than before I started... which than had me looking for bigger things to fill that empty spot. None of which worked, since the empty part of me needed to be filled with love, not things.

Writing helps me to put my thoughts together in cohesive patterns where I work issues out, I feel like if I didn't write... I wouldn't have been able to come as far as I have... I see that I sometimes slide back into old patterns but I find that because I write, I don't stay in them as long, I find the way out of it sooner.  I find for me that writing my emotions down, free me..

The one about my children is what every parent wants in this world... I want my children to have joy... I want them to do better than I did as I did better than my parents.  I am thrilled when they excel at whatever they do, that is what brings me joy... knowing my children have joy in their lives.  I feel blessed to have my children... I am grateful that I was able to be there mommy or mama.

The one about David is simple, he gives the best hugs I have ever had... they are the kind that you are totally wrapped up by the other person, where time seems to stand still and all you can hear is the thumping of the other persons heart... and it's enough, just being able to breathe without so much tension.  When I thought about what I wanted, I just want to breathe without the tension that is there now... I want to feel that relaxed again one day.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

A Day Of Catching Up

I have had a hectic couple of days, the first thing is that I have a slight infection in my graft site, I am taking antibiotics... every six hours for ten days.  I am sure it will be cleared up by the time I am back to work.  I feel fine, I am even walking without my lovely (NOT) purple cane.  I am still building up muscle from being so stationary for so long.  I have been getting out a little each day and gaining a little strength slowly.

I finally purchased a new computer after twelve long years, I am very happy about this as my old one was sooo sluggish and slow that it would take me about an hour to get a blog post out after I wrote it.  I can see it will be much easier as it does not freeze up like my old one.  However; I have to say I am so very technically challenged and as much as I love technology, I also become incredibly frustrated easily. 

I had it set up yesterday and it took until late in the evening for me to figure out how to operate Window 8... lol.   Most of it is set up, I just need the scanner/printer and the sound hooked up.  I am letting Valentina use the old one, once we can get that one back up on line, I will need to move everything from that computer to this one... oh joy oh bliss.  All I can say is thank goodness for Cindy and any of my other techy friends.

I spent the majority of the evening tonight catching up on the blogs that I follow, I love reading other peoples stories about their lives.  What I love most about blogging is the connection with people all over the world.  I think it is amazing how I can converse with people in Finland, Poland, Australia, England, Romania, Brazil... I know I am leaving out countries, I apologize  and of course I cannot leave out North America.

When I think of growing up in the early seventies, I realize how small my world was... technology changed very little back then.  It sped up a lot in the nineties and for me it became a challenge to keep up.  I have to thank my oldest daughter Andrea, she led me into the new century of technology, with her love of every new gadget, as well she was so proficient in their uses. 

Although I adore all the new items to keep us more connected, I sometimes wonder if it doesn't disconnect us with the over load.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
 

A Picture From The Past

Ever since I wrote about my mom the other day, I have been on a memory lane kick, I probably have too much time on my hands and my pictures are too close at hand.  I saw one of me when I was  23, my life changed greatly after that picture... that night I went out dancing and I ended up meeting Tony.  He was to become a huge part of my life for over 20 years.

When I look at that picture I see a girl who knew very little of how her life was to be shaped in the future.  Andrea was 5 years old at the time... I had just completed a year of college and I was unemployed.  I remember thinking back then, wondering how my life would ever change...  I was on assistance and there were many people around me in the same situation.

I knew I had to get out of the area I was in, it fostered the same situation for each family and their children that followed in their foot steps.  I did not want Andrea to follow on the path I had taken... I made changes after that move, I worked, and I went to school to upgrade myself.  I know I sounded like a broken record with Andrea as I am sure she would recall it that way; but I so wanted better for her.

Life is never easy but some paths are a heck of a lot harder than others, I really chose a way that wasn't simple, though I am grateful that I could be a stay at home mommy a lot of the time Andrea was little.  She and I had many days of fun where we would bake, play games, go to movies...  I am a much busier mama with Valentina because I am working and away from home from ten to eleven hours per day.  These memories of Andrea reminded me that it is really important for me to make that time with Valentina too.

Before Valentina comes home in a few weeks, I am going to dig out all my old board games and play them with her when she gets home.  Although Andrea was a sore loser while playing games, she learned to be a gracious loser.  Plus playing these games will give us a chance to talk about important things. Not that Valentina and I have issues talking as neither of us have that problem...  quite the opposite.  What I think it will do is have us set aside time to just be her and me.

One of the activities that Andrea and did a lot together was walking, we would just pick up and go for the day, we would be exhausted by the time we got home but we would have had fun going to the park and feeding the ducks or seeing some great site that Halifax has to offer, we are a tourist city with lots of interesting and inexpensive sights to see.  I had already decided that I was getting back into walking and taking Valentina with me, just more time to spend together.

It's interesting how a picture from the past can help you make changes in the future.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I took a trip down memory lane last night when I pulled all my paper photos together to find a couple of my mom.  I found all kinds of memories, some when Andrea was just a baby... I usually only took special occasion pictures  because of the cost of film and developing.  I find I rarely get a picture in print anymore due to having a digital camera and my phone.  I have my pictures half sorted, I am going to finish up the sort this week and I am going to go through my digital pictures to see which ones I want to get prints of...

I used to have a wall of pictures for Andrea from the time she was a baby and as she grew through the years, I am going to do that for Valentina too.  I have lots of frames, I just never took the time to organize them.  I want to complete this little project while I am off work, I know once I am back to work, my time will be limited again.

I loved looking through all the old pictures of myself when I was a little girl, I remember how I felt in some of those photos... it depended if Ruth was around or not.  She could dampen any party mood where none of us could enjoy.  We would be sitting on pins and needles waiting to see if we looked or said something wrong.  No child should have to live that way, never knowing if what they said was right or wrong.

Once I have my income tax return I am buying myself a new computer, I have not had a new one since 2001 and that one lasted until 2011.  I then plan to scan a lot of my old favorites onto Facebook and here, as well I will have an organized box of pictures in order, so that Valentina can enjoy going through them.  I am sure she will have a great laugh at some of the hair cuts I have had over the years, not to mention some of the fashions...

I am going to make a more concerted effort to take more pictures of Valentina and I am going to have prints made of my favorites.  Digital pictures are awesome but nothing beats having a handful of pictures in your hand that you can look at one after another. 

I also am going to take an hour or so each day and go through my room.  When I did the massive clean up a while ago, I never made it in to my room.  Basically there is just the closet and some shelves I have to empty out and organize.  I have already started with a few things, everything should be in place before the end of the week.  I want to make my bedroom a peaceful place to come into at night so that I can have a restful sleep.

Do you have boxes of pictures in photo albums or loose ones?  If you can find a half hour or so, you should sift through them... go down memory lane. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

More Of This Please‏

"Every time you appreciate something; every time you praise something; every time you feel good about something, you are telling the Universe: "MORE OF THIS, PLEASE!" You need never make another verbal statement of this intent and, if you are mostly in a state of appreciation, all good things will flow to you."
- Esther Abraham-Hicks

I appreciate my children, they are wonderful, caring, kind and loving girls.  Although I am not speaking to my oldest daughter at the moment (her choice, not mine), I think of her daily.  I pray for her and her beautiful family.  My youngest is so soft hearted she loves me, sometimes more than I feel I deserve.

 I am grateful for my friend Cindy who has always been there for me, even though I'm sure I've frustrated her on many occasions over our many years of being friends. She amazes me with her love for children, she rarely tires of them with their endless chatter and bountiful energy.  She has so much patience with them, especially with my Valentina.  I credit Cindy with giving her a strong foundation. 

I am so thankful for my close friendship with David. Although it has been a really tough year for both of us, he has been there for me and centered me when most people would have given up on me. I pushed the envelope with him on countless occasions, almost pushing him totally away but thankfully we remain as close as ever. I so desperately want to be there for him as he is and has been there for me.  I adore how much my David  loves his children, he's an amazing daddy!

I love that quote at the top of the page, I'm going to take every free moment that I have, praising the people in my life, being endlessly grateful for each of them.  I want the universe and my Heavenly father to know that I want more of these people in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield