Looking Past The Sadness For The Joy

I had my final appointment with the plastic surgeon about my leg, I couldn't be happier about that.  He is one of those doctors that has a 'God' like complex... these people would do well to remember where they actually attained their talent.  He has been rude to me on many occasions and I was looking forward to seeing the last of him... the best thing I could say about him was that he does good work but had absolutely no personality other than being nasty.  His parting words were that I knew where he worked if I needed him... I politely advised him I would do everything in my power to not need him in the future.  My leg is completely healed from the surgery I had at the end of January this year, even he was surprised how good it looked.  I am grateful that it is finally healed after waiting eleven years to have someone understand it would not heal on it's own.

I am writing this at work on my lunch as tonight I will be spending time getting the living room organized and cleaned.  Most of the items there are Valentina's as she took over that room once I moved my computer in the bedroom... She and I are going to do this room together.  Tomorrow we are going to clean the kitchen together and then Thursday and Friday I am going to tackle my room which will just leave Valentina's room on Saturday.  After this is completed, I plan to walk all over the neighborhood looking for a new place to live.  I'm not worried, I know a place will be made available, it always happens that way... of course I will have to search... it is not like it will fall into my lap... lol.   I am also going to start collecting boxes so that I can pack away books and such items that I rarely use but still want to keep. 

I know I have been feeling a little emotional lately, it is just the way I feel and I find it hard to hold it back all the time. I am working on controlling that behavior of mine.. however; I cannot promise that I will not have the occasional down period.  I try very hard to be positive and upbeat... it isn't always easy though as there are things that happen to bring me down from time to time.  It doesn't mean that I wallow in that as that is not how I want to live my life but if I don't acknowledge it, I could end up making other choices that are worse than being a little down or sad.  I choose to let it out slowly here and there and I hope that people understand that I need to do this so that I don't allow it to build up to something I cannon manage.  Those are the times that I use past addictions to get through, the times I don't allow myself the luxury of just being sad.

I might be strong but I am not made of steel... I have a heart that feels when life does not turn out the way I want or hoped.  I am also aware that there are many people who have much more hardships in their lives.  I have had many and I don't use them to ask for pity from anyone, each of them were challenges I had to overcome and actually gained strength from... I just need a day from time to time when I am hit with something that makes my heart sad... For as much as I love with my soul, I feel sadness the same way.  There is no joy without sadness, otherwise we would never know true joy if we never felt sadness. 

Even though I know this in my heart and soul, it is still very hard to cope with when I am hit with the sadness...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Maybe Some Things Were Not Meant For Me

It is raining here in Nova Scotia again, at least the temperature dropped with the rain.  It was truly unbearable to say the least...  However; I did walk even though the humidex was like a 35C and above for quite a few days.  I walked to the bridge on the way to work this morning and really pushed myself hard... I talked to one of the girls at work and told her how I would like to start running a little, she suggested running in 10 to 15 second sprints... this is something I think I can handle.  Once I master that, I am going to push it up to 30 seconds at a time... I want that feeling that all runners talk about, the freedom to just focus on breathing and the adrenaline it brings.

I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count.  I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little.  My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically.  She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.

I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me...  I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again?  I know people are going to say... don't think like that.  How am I supposed to think?  In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love.  How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me? 

I honestly believe for me to be happy that I have to give up that dream and move on... just live my life, be a mama, a friend, a sister, a nana... Many people are happy this way... maybe I can be too...?  You know, I have been so sure of so many things in my life... One, I can make friends anywhere, anytime... if I don't click with someone, it is rare and most likely their issue.  Two, I excel in job interviews, I just know how to sell myself  and because I am friendly I know how to connect with people.  Three, I am competitive, when I put my mind to something, there is nothing that I cannot achieve.

Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life.  It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough.  Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?

I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days.  I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and  I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing.  I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning.  Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥