Christmas Wish 2016

 Our Christmas Tree for 2016🎁🎀🎄

 

I have to say working from home has been SO good for me, I'm nowhere as exhausted as I was in the past. Last weekend I did all my Christmas shopping except for one item, then I had some company drop over last Saturday and they were sweet and offered to wrap all my gifts (this is my least favorite activity) ... for the first time in a very long time I am really looking forward to Christmas. I have tried to get into the spirit of it for the last couple of years but deep down it wasn't there... basically, I faked it until I made it. I could never fake it with myself, though, I just went through the motions.

I am excited that I will be having a few friends over for Christmas too, it has been a while since I hosted a holiday dinner. Tonight I will be watching all my favorite holiday movies while baking and cooking... It was a tradition for years when I was raising Andrea, now that I am working from home, I have the time to do the things I love for Christmas... I am happy that I am feeling the spirit of the season and that I am excited to celebrate the holidays.

This is just a short post to wish everyone one of you a happy holiday and a very Merry Christmas. Remember that this season is not always easy or happy for everyone, I hope that we can try to include those people who might be alone or in need of some love and kindness. This is my mission for next year and in the future, as love and relationships are what is the most important now and throughout the year.

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Finally

For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.

 

I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.

It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends.  I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.

 

I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend.  I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.  

My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year. 

 

I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally

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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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A Man Who Knows My Worth

It has been another week of ups and downs... I guess that is what life is about, having ups and downs and seeing how we deal with them. I see where I could use some improvement, which is good... the past me would have been wondering why I had to deal with more challenges than I thought I was capable of handling? The me today wonders what I am supposed to be learning from them?

I haven't put my relationship out on social media and I don't plan to for a while but I can say I am dating someone, he is very nice, kind, honest and very good to me. Our challenge will be his job which takes him away for a week here, two weeks there... We still talk and text often while he is away, he is very transparent and open about what he wants. This will be up to me ultimately, what I can handle.

A little back story here about us, which I wanted to tell him first before I wrote it here... He and I were in contact about two years ago and trying to meet, before we could meet, he was transferred to another province which ended up lasting for nearly two years... we didn't talk again until a month ago when he came home and we found each other again. To say we were both extremely excited would be mild, we had a connection and we were thrilled that we were both still single.

I told him today that it really was a good thing that he had been transferred out a couple of years ago because although I was interested in him... I still was not over 'Him'... we probably would not have worked out back then as I was not ready to commit to anyone... I am actually grateful that I had that time to work through all my feelings for 'Him' so that I am ready to honestly look at being involved with someone else.

I won't have secrets from him, my life is pretty much an open book due to writing about it here and I am comfortable with that... I don't know what the future holds with us but for now it is fun, good and we are both happy to get to know each other. We have met of course and he is very sweet... we have to work a little harder to have and maintain a relationship due to his job. However; I think he is worth it and he tells me all the time I am worth the effort.

I like that, a man who knows my worth.... of course I had to know my own self worth first and once I learned that, everything else started falling into place...

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Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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Joy Comes Through Forgiveness

I had to come back to update here... the most important thing that happened this week was that my daughter Andrea had her second child, a girl... she was born on Monday night, her name is Arianna and she is adorable... I am now a Glama nana twice over... I have two beautiful grandchildren to love now... Jackson is a wonderful big brother... I wish I could be there for all of them... hopefully in the near future <3

I have been behind in posting a new blog, first I was super busy with getting all my steps in each day... then Saturday came along and I went to a funeral, I didn't know the man very well ... I went to support someone else... but it is never easy attending functions like this... Then Sunday (today), I spent the better part of my day at church... it was what I needed.

I heard something that really resonated with me about forgiveness, I truly am a person that believes that forgiveness is the only way to free ourselves... I have talked about this many times. I have pondered and thought deeply about the subject because I don't like holding hatred or mean thoughts in my heart for someone as I know that it only hurts me. More often than not, the other person could care less if I forgive them... it is more about freeing myself.

I think about my ex stepmother Ruth who physically and emotionally abused me and my sisters... I was able to forgive her... and Andrey my ex husband who raped me... I forgave him... Today, I knew that although I have talked about forgiving another person that has gone out of her way to hurt me on numerous occasions, I had not truly forgiven her. I held on to my bad feelings for her because no matter how much I had tried to move forward, I kept hearing about how she dislikes me and talks poorly about me. She is one of my biggest challenges and one that I plan to overcome.

Regardless of how she feels about me, I cannot continue to have bad feelings towards her... I have to truly forgive her... I can't begin to explain how hard that is going to be for me. From what I have been told, she feels I am trying to hurt her when that is the farthest thing from my mind... it is not in my heart to even think that way. However; she doesn't know me or she would not think that of me...

One thing I learned today was that of course Heavenly Father forgives us all for the mistakes and judgements we make... because He does, I have to do the same. Frankly no matter what I do or say, this woman isn't going to like me and not forgiving her is only holding me back. Once I truly forgive her for everything she has done to hurt me is when I will be free and she will not have a hold over me any longer.

It is a day I look forward to... I Tweeted the other day how I am not going to let one person diminish the fact that there are many people who think I am wonderful... that is her issue... not mine. Today reinforced that for me even more, almost like an answer to how I was going to forgive her?... Heavenly Father has already forgiven her, I need to extend the same to her, whether or not she moves on from her bad feelings towards me, it is not my issue to worry about any longer.

I truly hope one day that she sees her own worth and realizes that continuing to find ways to hurt me because of her own insecurities, is not the way for her to have joy. I have realized that holding on to bad feelings for her is not the way for me to have joy... besides I know my worth and I am happy to say that I deserve good things and good people in my life... maybe one day she will know that she deserves the same.

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Where I Am Supposed To Be

When I realized I had time to write tonight, I noticed that it was my first post of 2015, this year has started off better than the last few years... yet I am still not as happy as I would like to be... it isn't that I think I need to be happy all the time, that isn't realistic, however; saying that I do think I could be more content. I need to figure out a way to get to that place.

There are a lot of things going on and the first and most important thing I had to do was get myself back on track with being healthy. It has been a week now and I have done many of the things I planned to do... none of it was easy, every last thing I wanted to do took a lot of work on my part... me making a conscious choice. 

The first thing I wanted to do was start eating properly again... by eating all natural foods, very little if any processed foods. The next thing I want to do is track my food progress with My Fitness Pal ... I know I am keeping within my calorie limit but I find it so much better to actually have it in writing. As it is a great way for me to be accountable to myself.

The second thing I wanted to do was exercise each day in some way... I have been walking for at least 30 minutes per day and tracking that with Map My Walk ... this one is a little easier because I just have to push a button and then walk, nothing to enter ... I have been creative in getting the exercise in by getting off the bus earlier or walking to a bus stop further away.

Valentina and I are going to work on a 30 day plank challenge starting tomorrow night... I have never done this before but I want to do more than just cardio so that I can strengthen my core. It is really going to help me that Valentina does this will me, I think she and I will encourage each other to work hard.

I read an article the other day that I wish I could remember who the author was, it was basically a list of things we do that hold us back... the first one was huge for me, when I saw the phrase, I cried. I know I have heard it before but the way that it was said there really hit home to me. It caused me to think a lot about the many changes I have made in my life... yet I still had not learned this one.

It was about how we tell ourselves, this was not the way my life was supposed to be... I say this to myself practically everyday when I am frustrated, upset or disappointed. It's not like I think anyone has it perfect here but I do feel like others have it more put together than I do. What the article tried to convey was that when we say this to ourselves over and over, we really hold ourselves back.

I have felt trapped by my choices and circumstances even though I have come through many overwhelming challenges which I have grown from immensely. I still feel like I don't have a way out. It's not as if I can just get up and change my life 180 degrees as I have responsibilities being a mama. Saying this though, I know that I cannot keep going on feeling this way, it isn't good for me, nor is it good for Valentina. 

Although I don't know the answer yet, I do know that it will involve big changes... whatever they are, I need to be ready to take them on and go with them... otherwise I will always feel trapped... So, first things first, starting today...(my motto)... I am going to work extremely hard on not telling myself that statement 'this was not the way my life was supposed to be' ... instead, I am going to work on solutions to change my life to how my life should be.

I do believe I can make the changes, not as quickly as I want but in time I will be exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be, one of the first steps is becoming healthy.

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I Choose To Rise‏

(Just a quick update, I finished my mid-term. I feel good with where I am at in the course and two, I have been doing really well with my food choices, it feels good that I am not giving into random food choices.)

I've been a little reflective lately, I kept wanting to get to a point of understanding and something came to me today. I know we have certain challenges given to us for a reason, we can choose to rise or fall to them.

I felt like if I could understand how this has made me a better person, has it taught me anything? I wanted to make sense of it... Today it did, I think I had to lose contact with 'him' so that I could understand the importance of keeping in contact with people even when things get tough. So many people across the world reached out to me and kept reaching out to me.

I felt like I wanted to put more effort in to get to know people better. Many of you are on other media sites with me (FaceBook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, FaceBook Fan Page, Bloglovin), where we interact through them, pretty regularly. I've made some real friends here, people that I would love to meet some day if I could... I should say will.

I think that if I hadn't dealt with such a great loss... I might not have come to know so many of you and so closely, all of your comments or messages always uplift me and make me smile... I lost a lot but I gained a great deal in return...

I understand that I had to be grateful for that loss or I might never understand why... I have some amazing memories of 'him'; I was very happy ... I had been wondering if the high was worth the low? The answer today is yes because I gained so much more. Today I choose to rise and show gratitude for difficult challenges.

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You And I, Always Almost

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I had a pretty good week, a little less walking than I wanted to do but I have to remember that I am not a machine, just because my mind wants me to walk all the time, does not mean it is always a good thing.  So, I did take a little time off to work with my physiotherapist and my knees are beginning to feel a little better.  She is sure with time and some simple exercises I will be able to run up and down stairs again in the near future.  Friday was weigh in day for my 10th week of the contest, there is just one week left, I managed to lose 1.6 pounds bringing my total weight loss to 33.4 pounds.  Here is the funny thing, when I first got weighed I was a little disappointed that it was only 1.6 pounds... as I had time to process it through the day I realized how silly I was being.  I was in awe that at the 10 week mark I am still losing a good amount of weight... I am 50 years old, I am not in my twenties when it was easy to lose weight... however; I never lost any weight in the past, this healthy. 

I know many people who would love to lose as much weight as I have in the short amount of time... I not only lost the weight, I have lost the inches.  Everyone is telling me how great I am looking, I am feeling better and better about myself.  The two sisters that I grew up with are smaller than me, yet my baby sister said to me today, maybe if I can lose another 25 pounds, I can be happy... I looked at her and said, how about being happy with yourself now?  You have lost 50 pounds and you look amazing... She then said, I guess I should have said happier than I am now.  Well, I am happy with my weight loss, I see the difference, I feel great... I don't want to stop here by any means as I want to be healthy.  However; losing more weight will not make me any happier, it will make me healthier. 

Anyhow, what I really wanted to write about was how hard it is to know that I have met my soul mate and that it was at the wrong time, it seems like my David and I have almost always been together at different times in our lives... I only bring this up as my sisters and I were at the beach today and they were both trying to get me to date again.  I told them I am not ready and I am not sure when I ever will be... they laughed and told me that the best way to get over one man was to start dating another man...  I don't think that is the way for me to get over David, I think the best thing I can do is work on myself to become the best me.  I don't think jumping in and out of relationships is the way for me to handle a broken heart.  I am healing, I am happier than I have been in a very long time, it all takes time with me... dating someone new at this moment in my life would just mess me up and mess up another person.  For once in my life, I don't want to use bad methods to work through sadness... I want to work through the sadness with good things.  

Things like exercising, eating healthy, attending church... mostly loving myself...  I can't see how dating someone new would make any of these better?  Sometimes it is best to be alone and process things like a broken heart.  It is not like I am sitting in my room crying day after day or using things to cover the sadness.  I am getting out daily, walking and running... I have not watched TV for 10 weeks, I have not even blogged on a daily basis... I am working on me, I am pushing my body to become the best that it can be and in the process I am working through a lot of emotional issues that in the past I would bury my head in the sand and try to forget about.  At least now I don't get on the bus and sob away all the way to work, nor do I sit in my cubicle at work crying like I used to... I am living my life actively and I am dealing with things better than I ever did. 

Saying all this, I do get sad about David from time to time... I know that I will never meet anyone that compares to him, we fit together perfectly, we laughed at the same jokes, I trust him with anything.  I have told him secrets that I never told anyone else, he never broke those secrets and he told me things he never told anyone else, I would never tell them to anyone ever... My David was not my first love, he was my true love, he is my soul mate... David and I have always been almost... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Looking Past The Sadness For The Joy

I had my final appointment with the plastic surgeon about my leg, I couldn't be happier about that.  He is one of those doctors that has a 'God' like complex... these people would do well to remember where they actually attained their talent.  He has been rude to me on many occasions and I was looking forward to seeing the last of him... the best thing I could say about him was that he does good work but had absolutely no personality other than being nasty.  His parting words were that I knew where he worked if I needed him... I politely advised him I would do everything in my power to not need him in the future.  My leg is completely healed from the surgery I had at the end of January this year, even he was surprised how good it looked.  I am grateful that it is finally healed after waiting eleven years to have someone understand it would not heal on it's own.

I am writing this at work on my lunch as tonight I will be spending time getting the living room organized and cleaned.  Most of the items there are Valentina's as she took over that room once I moved my computer in the bedroom... She and I are going to do this room together.  Tomorrow we are going to clean the kitchen together and then Thursday and Friday I am going to tackle my room which will just leave Valentina's room on Saturday.  After this is completed, I plan to walk all over the neighborhood looking for a new place to live.  I'm not worried, I know a place will be made available, it always happens that way... of course I will have to search... it is not like it will fall into my lap... lol.   I am also going to start collecting boxes so that I can pack away books and such items that I rarely use but still want to keep. 

I know I have been feeling a little emotional lately, it is just the way I feel and I find it hard to hold it back all the time. I am working on controlling that behavior of mine.. however; I cannot promise that I will not have the occasional down period.  I try very hard to be positive and upbeat... it isn't always easy though as there are things that happen to bring me down from time to time.  It doesn't mean that I wallow in that as that is not how I want to live my life but if I don't acknowledge it, I could end up making other choices that are worse than being a little down or sad.  I choose to let it out slowly here and there and I hope that people understand that I need to do this so that I don't allow it to build up to something I cannon manage.  Those are the times that I use past addictions to get through, the times I don't allow myself the luxury of just being sad.

I might be strong but I am not made of steel... I have a heart that feels when life does not turn out the way I want or hoped.  I am also aware that there are many people who have much more hardships in their lives.  I have had many and I don't use them to ask for pity from anyone, each of them were challenges I had to overcome and actually gained strength from... I just need a day from time to time when I am hit with something that makes my heart sad... For as much as I love with my soul, I feel sadness the same way.  There is no joy without sadness, otherwise we would never know true joy if we never felt sadness. 

Even though I know this in my heart and soul, it is still very hard to cope with when I am hit with the sadness...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not Broken, I Am A Human Being

I knew when I wrote my last post that there would be people who understood and just let me feel, I also knew there would be people who would feel uncomfortable with what I wrote and they would want to tell me how I should feel.  Sometimes I feel like writing a personal blog that no one else could read because there I would not feel judged, I would not feel like I had to hide how I was feeling at any given moment. Then I think, if I had that type of blog, I might get lost there... never posting here again.  At least with this one I continually try to better myself, attempt to be happy, attempt to want better.... if I had a blog where I could write whatever I felt every single day, I would wallow in the sadness.

That's why I continue to write here, I don't want to wallow in the sadness... but I need to say how I feel sometimes.  It is very hard for me to not write about what I am feeling for fear of being judged for being too sad... it's like some people don't think I have the right to be sad which makes me crazy.  No one can be happy all the time, if you are I want to know what drug you are on?  It is not natural to be elated constantly and since I have highs and lows, I write about them all. 

Believe me tomorrow or the next day, I will be in an up mood, I will be happier than I was today.  I will be working on being a better me, a more grateful me.  I believe in being grateful and thankful as I know I am blessed... but I am human, I cry, I feel sad and I need to have a place to let it out.  If I don't let it out, I would fall back on old methods of dealing and none of those were good for me.  All those old addictions that I used as coping mechanisms ultimately led me to the dark... where I was unable to see the light that was trying to get in.

Today without them, I see the light, I see that although there are tough days like this... I know that there are better days in the future.  Even though exercising has become another form of an addiction for me, it is a healthy one... I need this one to combat the old ones... otherwise I could fall back into the old ones much to easily.. At least with walking I am getting healthy, I am feeling strong, I am feeling determined and motivated.  These are all good things to aspire to... all good things to want. 

When I write posts like the last one, it gives me an outlet to feel, to cry, to be myself.   Isn't that what we all want, we just want to be able to feel and have someone say it's okay... I am not broken, I am a human being and I am the type of person that cannot hold it in, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Which I can understand is uncomfortable for others who don't do this... This is why we are all different, we all have our ways of dealing with life and it's ever changing moments.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Walking That Fine Line

My Valentina is getting to that age where she is wanting a little freedom, I am trying to be a responsible parent and give a little.  I cannot shelter her for the rest of her life like I want to, I can't make all her decisions for her, just so she doesn't have to live with bad choices.  The teenage years are looming quickly, I am not looking forward to them... they were scary enough with Andrea, with Valentina I worry she is too trusting and soft hearted. 

She came to me tonight and asked if she could go to a sleep over to a girl she barely knows, I told her I would think about it because I like time to prepare my answer.  I am not ready for that type of night out yet, if I knew the girl and her family I might be inclined to think differently... however; I am very protective of Valentina and Cindy is even more so.

I do have to give her a little lee way with some choices she wants to make, clothing, make up and nail polish... all of these are not life threatening, so I don't waste anytime arguing about these choices.  I am sure she will learn as she goes along about some of her choices and she will then make new and better ones.  She won't be super happy with me about this decision but I do think this is an important battle, I have to protect her, especially since she is still so young.

Being a mama is rewarding and difficult at the same time... I wouldn't change having either of my daughters, I have been extremely blessed.  Besides Andrea told me that I should put my foot down early and not let Valentina get away with what she did.  I tend to agree but then again Andrea turned out pretty great and she can think for herself and make very good choices.  Of course Valentina is a lot younger in her maturity than Andrea was at the same age. Two very different children, each with their own challenges and each with their own rewards.

I am trying to walk that fine line where I don't push Valentina away but that I don't smother her either.  That's the toughest line to walk, also, it is not the most popular line to walk.  One of the things I do expect from Valentina that I didn't stress enough for Andrea is a little respect... I understand frustration as I get that way myself but I don't want anyone, least of all my children disrespecting me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What I Search For I Will Find

Today was a bit of a write off, after not sleeping most of the week... I slept in a bit this morning.  Mind you, I didn't really sleep well last night... I had a dream that felt so real, I was running away in the dream and part of me knew it wasn't real and even though I was in a nice deep sleep, I somehow forced myself to wake up.  I was semi relieved to find out that it was just a dream after all... It wasn't a scary dream, it was a confrontational one, I guess I dreamt this because I have been tying to figure out how to confront an issue in my life.  Usually I am not afraid, I say what I am feeling... hopefully without hurting anyone (that is never something I want to do) but this one means so much more.

After waking up from my dream, I felt it was time to take a bubble bath so that I could just relax, it felt amazing.  I read all the new blogs I follow, I have some very talented blogging friends...  that took me nearly an hour and half to get up-to-date.  I then took my Valentina to buy her a new scooter, she has always loved them, this is her fourth one that she has had.  She was outside for well over an hour scootering... I call her my scooter girl, I love watching her ride it with her long hair flowing behind her.  If it is nice tomorrow, I plan to take some pictures of her on it. 

Tomorrow will be a bit of a me day, I plan to cook a nice meal for Valentina but most of the day I am going to blog. I have some catch up posts I want to write, I need some time where I am not running to do this errand or that errand. I have had a few a ha moments from The Purpose Driven Life, I want to be fresh so that I can write my thoughts clearly.

I have also been wanting to update My Jar Of Happy Memories, for a little while.  I have a few items from this year... one of the main items is that I am very happy that I was able to have the surgery to fix my leg, I am happy that I didn't have major complications, I am happy to be back at work (all my co-workers made me feel so loved.  I plan to fill that jar with as many happy memories from this year... I am working hard on finding the joy in my life, it is paying off.  The more I look for the joy, the more it shows up in my life... the same goes for whatever you search for you will find.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning The Page To My Future‏

I need to turn the page on my past, new experiences could be waiting for me....

You would think that the older that we get, the wiser we'd be, I'm still like that teenager inside.  I still cannot believe some of the choices I have made...  I know Mastin Kipp from 'The Daily Love' says we are not broken, nor do we need to be fixed.  I find that so hard to believe about me...

I know I've had amazing and happy times in my life, I have some lovely memories...  I also have deep dark sobbing sorrow, events I want to forget.  I know, I know, I know... those events made me who I am today and changing them could change who I've become.

I don't want to wallow in the sadness, I don't want to feel lost and lonely...  I want to change, I need to feel happiness more than I feel sadness. 

I'm getting a new phone in a few weeks, the first order of business is new music, I swear I have all the saddest love songs on my Blackberry. I don't need anymore assistance in the sad department.  I'm sure the people on the bus wonder about me daily, I'm usually wiping away tears...

I'm turning the page on that last chapter of my life, I just might be pleasantly surprised.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield