Making Room For My New Life

We had a long weekend here in Canada, I was excited as I planned to sleep in a couple of the days... of course that didn't happen, however; I did get a lot of things done that I had on my list. I had a couple of ladies I know come to my home early this evening and we cleaned out my office, preparing for me to work from home in the near future. It is amazing how much stuff we hold on to... I found things I had not seen since I moved in here almost 8 years ago... I purged so much of it, it felt wonderful.  My motto is if I have not used it in the last 6 months, it is going. 

I am working on that with Valentina too... she tends to hold onto stuff and it just clutters her room. I know many people will say to me it is her room and I just need to close the door... she will learn to pick up after herself. Unfortunately that is not how it works with her, her room gets out of control and then she tends to leave it in many parts of the house. She went swimming today with a friend and she needed her lock, we had to go through all the bags she has and we found it with many of the other items she was missing...  I told her that her room is next on the list and that she really needs to think about what is important. 

Frankly if it is important, you will take care of it, you will know were it is... it will not be at the bottom of closet or in a bag with garbage in it... When I decided that working from home is very important to me, I knew I had to do whatever possible to make it happen. At first I believed it was moving to a new place but once I found out that Valentina will be needing braces for a few years I had to rethink what I actually needed. I still wanted to work from home and a way was suggested, I decided then and there to make it happen, not wait until I was given the green light... 

I think waiting would have meant stressing myself out at the last minute... I have become comfortable with my bed in the living room and by staying here, I have been forced to rid my house of unnecessary items... so I realized I never had to move, I had to change my thought patterns thinking that I needed more. Having more wouldn't have made me happy... Can you imagine if I had found the place, moved in and then found out about Valentina's teeth?... everything happens for a reason.  I needed to see that I had enough... more than enough. 

I'm content with where I am right now, I can see that it will be much less stress that I stay here... it is close to the grocery store, the dentist, the beautiful walking trail, major malls... I am able to walk to many of these places. I am looking forward to making it happen as soon as possible... Hopefully before the summer is over, I don't want to travel another winter and I want to be home for Valentina... sometimes we need to make concessions to have what we really need... 

I remember reading many years ago that if you want something in your life, you need to make room for it... that is why I decided to get prepared for this change in my life... This made me think about how I have cluttered other parts of my life so that I don't have room for change... It is time for me really think about what is important and what I can and cannot live with out, only then I will be able to make the room for what I really need in my life. 

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I Choose Me

I have had a pretty busy week, I am trying to get my walking in daily...  it's a challenge but I am trying to push through until it is easier. My past experience proves that it will be easier and more enjoyable with time. It's still a bit too chilly here and frankly I can't wait until I don't have to wear so many layers.  Also, I know for me that I need to have accountability for being healthy, it is much too simple to give into my weaknesses if I don't have to be accountable to myself. 

I don't want my life to be all about what I eat and how much exercise I do but for a little while that is what I need... saying this I need balance in all aspects of becoming healthy. I have lost my way and have used any and all excuses to do as I pleased... I don't want to say I need to get on track but I do need to become focused. I believe we have to choose ourselves... often we put ourselves on the back burner and when we do, we essentially are choosing others... I am all for serving one another but I also know that if we don't choose to take care of ourselves, we have nothing to give to others. 

Things are coming together for me with being able to work from home, I had been looking for a place to live but that idea had to be put away for a few years due to the fact that my Valentina is going to need braces. I was despondent thinking about still having to travel back and forth to work for many years to come but... one of the people I follow through a blog helped me come up with a solution... This may not work for everyone but I am giving up my bedroom to use as my dedicated office and I will be separating my large living room into two sections and have my bed at one end. 

I am totally excited about how this solves my travel issues. I have spoken with my team leader... it's not something that can happen tomorrow but it is in the works. I have people coming to my home this week to help me declutter and organize so that I will be ready when the opportunity comes about.  Part of the problem with throwing things out here is that we have limitations of what and how much we can discard every two weeks. Thankfully one of the ladies coming is going to take many of the bags to the dumpster for me... I am so happy about this... I know that if I have others helping me I am going to be more motivated.

I have put myself on the back burner for far too long, when I injured myself I gave myself permission to be do and eat what I wanted... and if I am being totally honest I was already giving up on myself before I was hurt... I felt like if I could continue to exercise that I could do as I please otherwise... I now know getting hurt was my wake up call, I needed to see that I was over using exercise to keep my excuses that I had given up on me.

I need to choose me again, I did that a few years ago when I focused on becoming healthy in all ways. As much as exercise is important in my life, I don't need to do it to excess... As I wrote before I had some challenges that I wasn't dealing with in the way I should, instead I walked a great deal... I didn't want to look at it, it was so much easier to just go out and exercise it off... After talking with my physio therapist at great length, she explained that I was probably injured and that I ignored it and then really did damage that made me stop... Challenges come into our lives to wake us up... I decided that I needed to go back to basics and choose me... 

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Happiness Can Be A Step Away

I had a fairly good week in getting things done that I needed to do... I finally started to declutter, it has been overwhelming. I had to get to a point that I realize I won't get it done in one day, not even one week... possibly a month. As I am not looking to just move things from one place to another, I want to completely rid myself of things I no longer need or use. It's awful how I have accumulated unnecessary things, I have started with the bigger items and rearranging furniture.

 

As furniture and bags have left the house, I have started to feel lighter... I am looking forward to the day I have my house in order so that everything has a place and nothing new comes into the house unless something is leaving. The older I get the more I want to downsize... I have gone through cleaning thoroughly many times but until I downsize the clutter will always take over and become uncontrollable. It's like putting a band-aid on a cut that needs stitches... it never heals. If I want Valentina to learn that things are not important, I have to set the example.

With learning to live in the moment, it has given me the desire to do what I can each day, not thinking of ways to leave it for another day... I came to a conclusion the past couple of weeks that I was ignoring things that needed to be done because I didn't want to deal with it... just like opening my heart to allow love into it... I had to open my eyes to my surroundings and do something about it. My house is not a disaster by any means, I just have too many things that don't have places to go.

I had to take a hard look at myself and know that I had allowed it to get to this point because I didn't want to handle it, I didn't want to take responsibility, if I did, I would have to admit that I could do something, ... it meant I could no longer come home from work, sit down and veg out with my phone and the TV (which I don't even really watch)... When I had really committed to exercise, I gave up TV for 5 or 6 months and I didn't miss it at all, I am doing this again.

I have two goals by the end of this year and going forward, first the short goal is decluttering my house, which I have a very good start on and two getting back to walking and strength training. I have not felt good with my health, the added weight has made me want to move less and it has caused pain in my knees... luckily for me I remember how good it feels to be healthy and I am looking forward to getting there again. I don't have a goal weight, I have exercise goals... I'm back on My Fitness Pal and I am starting a couple of walking challenges tomorrow, this is what I need to get myself back to exercising daily. 

I think opening my heart to love was one of the best decisions I have made, it helped me take a long look at my life and by not hiding, I had to do something about it... is it easy? No, I can't say that but I can say that I can see it will be worth it... I had open up to see that happiness can be a step away...

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The Easier Path Is Always There

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Have you ever been so sad, frustrated or just feeling out of control?  It's not the best way to feel, I just said one of my new motto's, 'I'm done' ... what does this mean?  It means I am done with feeling this way and one way is changing some of those things that bring out those emotions.  Just keeping what is good, this week has been lax due to my not getting any sleep.  I had to go to great measures but I finally got a couple of good nights.   I had to turn off all electronics and I signed out of everything so that I couldn't just start surfing when my mind would start racing with thoughts.

Now since I finally had two decent nights together I can see things more clearly, I was so in the middle of the feelings that Monday night I was going up and down with moods as I had not slept in weeks properly.  I didn't exercise much last week, I felt the excuses coming on and they won out for most of the week... That is going to change, Monday I am back out with strength training, walking and swimming, at least three days of strength training, three of walking and two of swimming.  That way I will be out to the center 5 nights per week, Saturday will be for relaxing, cleaning, grocery shopping.. Sunday for church and lots of rest.

I have to focus on something and it might as well be my weight loss journey, I am sure it will take a fair bit long to get the last 25 pounds off, I am still very dedicated but now I am looking forward to becoming stronger and firmer... I love my body now but it will even look better once I tone it up some, losing the weight gave me a self confidence that I had unknowingly lacked.  Now people act differently with me and I think it is funny strange... I don't play their game.  If I am to ever date again, it will be iffy as I am not out actively pursuing  it, however; I did leave my profile up on the dating site.  So if some man wants to work hard and prove he is worth my time... I might give him a chance....

I am very busy, I don't have time to waste on guys that just come and go, if they are worth it they will realize I am worth it too... otherwise I am not willing to put in the time without seeing effort on their part.  It also means changing some other aspects, I am going to have to make a goal of writing for an hour each day, I am starting a second private blog It's where I will be able to write whatever I like, then can start organizing it into a book.  I am going to focus on the weight loss aspect but other things will be brought into it because issues in my life got me to the point I wanted to do something about my weight through both food and exercise.

The biggest point I want to get out there is that age means nothing at all, once you make the decision to get healthy it is  possible... you just have to become dedicated to yourself.  That's not a bad thing, if not our own selves then who? There isn't anyone that can get us to work out but us... I miss that commitment I had in the beginning, I have kept up but not to that degree.  That's why I am making some new changes this week. I have two paths in front of me, one looks easier than the other... I decided to take the more challenging path, the easier one is always there...

Dating With Self Esteem

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

First I am not sure why I decided to start dating... a spur of the moment thing... lack of sleep... insanity...a little of all three. I think it's stupid for me to date when I'm still in love with my David... I wish I wasn't but I am..

I've only been out there for less then a week... I want to say what kind of freaks are out there?... Geesh... The first guy with no picture who started talking to me, after 30 minutes he is asking me to go to his cabin on Friday night... yeah.. NO! (Psycho)   The second guy I talked to for 30 minutes gave me his phone number... Really??? He didn't get mine. (Desperate)  How about the third guy who wanted me to call him, when I said no, he said if you don't me call tonight, we will never talk again... Okay...  I said, let me make this easy for you, we can stop talking right now (Controlling).  Oh and my personal favorite, the guy who offered to send me pictures of his body parts... Yeah...NO... I did not give him my email. (He needs a hobby and a life)

I had to say a few times to guys, do you all have nothing better to talk about?  I was purely going on this site to date, go out for a walk, dance, dinner, sporting events... something fun.  Let's not forget to mention all the men who put pictures up...who should not have... I am not all about the physical but some of these were just scary WOW!! ... Oh yes and the married men, looking for a fling... Get divorced, oh and we still won't talk. If this is a sampling of what is out there and what is to come.... I'm passing on it. All I can say is I have my full self esteem... I'm not desperate... I'm not interested in losers who are A) married  B) unemployed and or C) not interested in changing themselves.... Get a life and don't get back to me.

I have a busy full life, I work.. I'm a mama, I exercise, I blog.... I do not spend a lot of time watching TV... or playing games on the internet. Now I'm going to start my book too.. .. I actually know I don't have time to date... I am finished with the foolishness.  I decided that I need to take a break away from dating, from social media and from blogging.  I need to get some priorities straight....

1)  I need to organize my exercise better, I want to get to my goal weight by February, this includes starting strength training.  This means I have to give up other things to get myself in the best shape possible.

2) I need to move, I do not want to be living in this place at the beginning of 2014.  This means I have to really start looking, going to see places.  Then de cluttering my place some more .

3) I want to start the outline of my book, if I don't put it as top importance, I will never get started.

I have been taking Zumba, plus swimming and still walking a bit... I need to make exercise one of the top priorities, it will be more difficult to take off the last 30 pounds I want to lose than it was the first 58 that I have lost.  Plus I do not want to ever go back to the way I ate or lived my life, that is the trap that often happens. People seem to be able to lose the weight but don't maintain it because they don't keep the changes in their lifestyle, this is how I want to live forever.

If anyone wants to contact me, I will still be checking my email tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com  Please feel free to drop me a line, I would love to hear from you.  I am deleting my apps off my phone for a while, I can always re download them when I am ready. I really just need to get my head and heart into a better place... I have been off center for a long time.  I know this will be good for me to really focus on a few things I need to complete... then I can come back refreshed.  I will miss every single blog I read and comment on... I know I will be able to catch up when I get back... I am not sure how long I will be gone, a little longer than I normally go for but I really need to make some changes.  I hope you all understand and come back once I am posting again... I am hoping I will be down under 200 by the time I get back, I will do a post on it, to catch you up...

Taking My Life Back One Day At A Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I took a couple of days off so that I could take Valentina to her first day of school, at first I thought that they went back on September 3rd but found out it was September 4th... good thing I took both days off.  That gave me a five day weekend with the holiday.  I also felt it would be a great time for me to workout a lot while I was off, yesterday I walked twice for a total of 5.12 miles and I was able to walk a 5K in 47.2 minutes... I am really getting my speed up and I know if I can start running a little more than a few sprints here and there that I will be able to really get that time down for my October 6th 5K walk/run.  Believe it or not, I am really looking forward to it, so funny as three months ago I could barely walk for 15-20 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out...

So, today I am spending the day in the house doing housework and then going to see my doctor, she has not seen me for almost six weeks, I am sure I will shock her with all my weight loss.  I was hoping to walk back and forth to the doctors as that is about an hour both ways, however; the weather decided not to cooperate with me.  There is too much rain, I wouldn't mind a little spritzing here and there but not downpours.  So no walking today which makes me kind of sad, yes I love walking now... I love working out period.  It will be Fall very soon and I realize that I will no longer be able to walk outside as much as I like, I do have a gym at work but that would mean getting there really early to use it and then having to have a shower before I started work, I don't think I would be able to work out as much as I want to that way.  So Canada Games Center here I come, I will be joining up by the end of this month.

My David has to go in for surgery again, he finds out more on Friday... can I say, enough is enough...  this will be three surgeries in less than a year, I can't handle being so far from him when he is going through this... I know he has people there that can help him but I want to be there, looking after him so that he doesn't re injure himself again. When I was off with my surgery I had the VON come in daily and look after my skin-graft... as well I had many church people bring me meals so that I didn't have to cook for a couple of weeks, all I had to do was rest... Apparently with stomach surgery they don't think you need help, I would think that was when you needed it the most, the core part of your body is healing and you shouldn't be doing anything to cause injury to it again.

All I can do from here is pray and send out positive vibes for him... I know that is something... but I would really prefer being there, that way I would know he was getting the proper amount of rest.  Anyhow, prayers it is, many will be on the way... I have already started and I will continue.  I won't be able to rest until I know he is out of the surgery and on the mend.  In the meantime I will be exercising like crazy... I have another contest to win with my sister.  She and I were talking and she is finding it hard to get her exercise in with her job... I am sure she will figure a way out as this girl loves to exercise more than I do, she has been doing this for over 20 years, I have just started.  I still don't think she has much hope of winning, I am much more competitive than most people, once I get something in my head I just go on auto pilot.

I know many people who say to me, I want your drive, determination, motivation... we all have it, we just have to tap into it... For me it all started with something my David said to me, I don't even think he realized that he started all this... one day I will tell him, probably when I go to visit him this spring.  I remember thinking, I really, really want to change my life, I really need to change my life.  Then not even a week later the email came out at work about the Biggest Loser Challenge and I knew that was my answer... for many years we have had this challenge and I have told people that I didn't get involved because I knew how competitive I was, I am sure people thought uh huh... well, I proved that I was telling the truth... I knew what I was capable of... Now that I have proven that, I cannot go back to my old lifestyle... I can only move forwards.  This was never about a contest, this was about getting my life back and proving to myself that I am and was better than what I had allowed myself to become...

When people tell me that they want to change their life but then post some high calorie food on their Facebook, or proceed to give me reasons why it is impossible for them to workout as much as they would like... I realize they are not ready to take their lives back.  I am not judging anyone, I was right there, I used to talk about getting it together, changing my life.  One day I just did it, I got up and started walking and I didn't stop... I am hoping to see these people do the same thing... I don't have a magic answer, I just know for me that I fell in love with exercise and I could not imagine not doing it... I am really hoping that I find even more fun things to do at the Canada Games Center... I don't ever want to go back to that lifestyle again, I want to stay healthy and continue on this path. I love that I took my life back, I am doing it one day at a time.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Sweeping It Under The Rug

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

This upcoming week is going to be insane. I don't know how I am going to keep it all together... My sister from New York state is in town until Friday, so I will want to see her. The final weigh in for the contest is Friday morning, so I will want to walk a lot. I have two physio appointments, a family dinner and I promised to get Valentina's ears pierced.  As well, I have regular cleaning such as dishes, laundry and sweeping... etc..

All of this with working full time and I am emotional... geesh. I know why I am emotional, I am just trying to sweep it under the rug until Friday when I will have time to deal with it.... I hope... I started feeling stressed when I realized I just don't have time to write this week, unless I give up sleep, which I don't advocate for me... However; I gave up a little sleep last night in hopes that it will be enough to tide me over until Friday... otherwise I might have a melt down. I know life is about balance but sometimes it is pretty hard to keep that balance when everything is being thrown at me from all sides.

I need to get through this week, spend time with my sister, walk as much as I can, win the contest and then deal with the issue under the rug. I'm afraid of that issue but I don't have the time or emotions to handle it right now; if I let myself think about it I cry... so I try not to let myself think about it.

I really pushed myself with my sister with walking yesterday, we walked over the bridge and back (1.3 miles each way) and we were able to maintain an average 15.15 minute mile. She challenged me, she looked like she barely broke a sweat, she could talk... I could not. She is in great shape as she has always exercised over the years where I have not... A good wake up call for me. Now that I know I can walk a mile in that time, I want to push myself to get there as much as possible... not every time but as much as possible...

Valentina and I are in need of mama/daughter time, which we will do tonight when I take her out to get her ears pierced ... next weekend will be about her and I as school is back in on Tuesday September 3rd... I took the day off so I could take her. I just want to help her get organized for the first day and I want her to feel special.  Starting out in the higher grades are scary, she is going into grade 5 and children are very clicky... I am trying to instill in her now that these children and their ideas are not important in the long run but it is really hard to get that through to your children as it feels all to real to them.

I have been so busy with exercising, I have had little time for anything else... hence why I swept some things under the rug... by doing this though, I have seen how emotional it makes me.. just a strong reminder that I have to deal with these issues as they happen... no matter how much I don't want to... no matter how afraid I am... There I go, crying again... If there is anything I have learned in the past two years is that burying anything just means it comes back bigger and more difficult to deal with... fearing the outcome is not a good enough reason to ignore it but time constraints are a good enough reason to at least hold off...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥  

Taking A Step Back Can Be Wise

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

 When I went out for my walk yesterday it was sunny and hot... it was only 6:00 pm when I left so I thought it would be fine to walk at that time of the early evening.  When I woke up this morning, I had a migraine, the kind where the light was bothering my eyes and I felt nauseous, I knew not to play around with that and took two Advil immediately.  However; I didn't catch it quite quick enough and by 6:00 am I knew that going to work was out of the question.  I do not like to miss work, especially if it is a busy day as I know that just leaves more work for my co-workers and I don't feel good piling more work on anyone.

I rested most of the morning, keeping everything as quiet at possible... the migraine subsided and I have decided not to go out for long walks when the sun is that hot again... I am headed out for a walk tonight but not until around 7:30, I do not want a repeat of last night.  The good thing about this was that I actually got to rest, then I started cleaning in the afternoon.... without Valentina here, I was able to do all those jobs done that had piled up in the past couple of weeks.  I was able to sweep every part of the house, I have hardwood floors... which I love and I am hoping when I move that I will not have to deal with carpets.  After I swept all the floors twice, I then mopped them all... they were in need of a good mopping. 

I also pulled the washing machine out and washed all the blankets I could find... we have many.  This comes from when I was growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who was so stingy with blankets that my two sisters and I had to share one blanket on a double bed... I swore my children would never have to deal with that. Consequently I have way too many blankets... and pillows...  I just never want a child of mine to be cold and to feel like she couldn't ask for a blanket...  my ex step mother was an odd ball, she herself never went without blankets or pillows herself.  Sometimes I wonder what my father thought of this, he just never noticed... how odd was that?

Anyhow, I was able to get them all clean, dried and put away.  Valentina came home and was very happy to see that the house was sparkling clean... it feels good... as well all the dishes that had been piling up are all cleaned and put away.  I have really neglected the house while I have been exercising.  I leave very early in the morning and walk for nearly 45 minutes, then I usually go for another walk in the evening for 45 minutes to an hour... tonight will only be 30 to 40 minutes as I counted all the housework that I did as exercise...

Besides I need a really good sleep tonight, I do not want a repeat of this morning... tomorrow is likely going to be busier as it is Tuesday and and payroll is pretty busy on that day.  I missed work, chatting with my co-workers, helping the clients but I would have not been any good to anyone if I had gone in this morning... I most likely would have left and then spent the rest of the day in bed... this way, I got a little rest and then had some energy to do some much needed cleaning that will benefit me for the rest of the week... I feel like I was able to accomplish a lot today.  I won't take it for granted and push myself hard tonight, I will take a walk and then get some much needed rest...

Some times I am over competitive... okay... all the time I am over competitive.. today showed me that I needed to take a small step back and not push myself so hard... if I continued on this path that I was on, I could end up making myself sick and then what?  I think today was a reminder to me that I am not some sort of machine that can keep going and going without actually relaxing from time to time.  Just because I take a morning or evening off does not mean I am being lazy... it means I am taking care of myself.  I learned my lesson, thankfully I learned it before I made myself too ill.  It is really good to listen to our bodies, when things like this happen... it means to take a step back and analyze why... it doesn't mean, go harder...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Maybe Some Things Were Not Meant For Me

It is raining here in Nova Scotia again, at least the temperature dropped with the rain.  It was truly unbearable to say the least...  However; I did walk even though the humidex was like a 35C and above for quite a few days.  I walked to the bridge on the way to work this morning and really pushed myself hard... I talked to one of the girls at work and told her how I would like to start running a little, she suggested running in 10 to 15 second sprints... this is something I think I can handle.  Once I master that, I am going to push it up to 30 seconds at a time... I want that feeling that all runners talk about, the freedom to just focus on breathing and the adrenaline it brings.

I think after dealing with my emotions yesterday I was wound up tightly, I am grateful that I didn't resort to my many addictions from the past ... believe me I have too many to count.  I just wrote and wrote and then cried a little.  My sister and I talked a bit as she was going through something similar... I told her that I don't think romantic relationships are for me... I didn't feel that anyone could really love me romantically.  She said it sounds like I don't love myself... Quite the contrary... I do love myself, I know I have many people who love me too.

I have amazing family and friends who love and believe in me ... I just don't believe that romantic love is for me...  I have never had it work out... and although I think I want to give it a try again, I wonder if I am strong enough to see it disappear again and again?  I know people are going to say... don't think like that.  How am I supposed to think?  In all my life, I have never been truly loved in a way that I was willing to love.  How am I to believe that the kind of love I am willing to give, even exists for me? 

I honestly believe for me to be happy that I have to give up that dream and move on... just live my life, be a mama, a friend, a sister, a nana... Many people are happy this way... maybe I can be too...?  You know, I have been so sure of so many things in my life... One, I can make friends anywhere, anytime... if I don't click with someone, it is rare and most likely their issue.  Two, I excel in job interviews, I just know how to sell myself  and because I am friendly I know how to connect with people.  Three, I am competitive, when I put my mind to something, there is nothing that I cannot achieve.

Romance is the wild card, the one I have no control over... no matter how easy going and friendly I am... it doesn't bring love into my life.  It doesn't even help that the older I get the more comfortable I am with me, even though I am overweight (which I won't be forever)... men just don't look at me that way, or feel that way about me...There is absolutely no one in this world who can love my David more passionately than I do, that was not enough.  Maybe my sister is right, we love deeply... I would say I love too deeply... if that is possible?

I have decided that if I cannot write my blog at lunch time while I am at work that I will not be writing one for the next few days.  I need to get my house organized and clean... I am supposed to be moving in September and  I cannot expect anyone to help me pack when there is so much stuff that needs to removed from my house first. Once that is done, I can really put the effort into looking for a place and then packing.  I should be able to get most of it done by this weekend but that means coming home and just diving in every night and spending a good hour and a half to two hours just purging items that are no longer needed and then cleaning.  Something needs to give and I am not willing to give up my walking, that is top priority at this time, walking and getting healthy.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Mundane Midweek (Link Up)

 I follow a blog called Charlotte's Web, she always gives me a smile on some otherwise dull days...  She just started with a recurring post called Mundane Midweek, I hesitated to link up as apparently that is too difficult for me to do... lol.  Charlotte has graciously offered to add me into the link.  I kid you not, I attempted to link up with another blog today... I left a comment apologizing for the royal mess up I created.  How hard can it be?  Apparently for me, it is huge... hahaha

Anyhow, onto the subject of my mundane midweek... I was up at 4:00 am because it was my day to wash my hair, which takes an extra 45 minutes or so to dry and style.. I just love those mornings... yeah, not so much.  I then had to cook up a meal for lunch, this is becoming exhausting to come up with ideas... I thought I was picky.. not... Valentina is pickier than I am...

It was a pouring down, rainy day... with wind, the best kind... yeah, not so much... lol.  I got so wet on the way to work that I ended up taking of my sneakers and socks at work to dry out and wore my dress shoes with bare feet... Eight hours later, everything was still wet, sigh... I had planned to write my blog over lunch and email it back to myself, however; I ended up working through lunch, so much fun... not...

Luckily I was able to make all my connections and arrived home a little after six, I wish the bus would make a better effort to arrive and leave on time... there is no rhyme or reason with our public transit in Halifax, Nova Scotia.  Tiny little tangent here, we are encouraged to take alternate transportation to work from our lovely city... yet they do not provide us with the proper service which is highly frustrating.

I got home, I actually completed a load of laundry and a dishwasher load of dishes, yay me... I am terrible for leaving it all until Saturday due to my long days at work.  Now Saturday won't be filled with that, I will find other activities.  It really was a rather boring day, even for me... I did have a great laugh with a few of my clients, I love to laugh and I find a way to make most of them do so too (unless they work hard not to laugh... ).  I am getting to see a little more of my Valentina now that she is home by 6:00 in the evening, so we get to talk a little more... that is interesting in itself, since the two of us like to talk equally as much as the other, it ends up being who gets to talk first... hahaha

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Comfort Zone Is Going

I had a bit of a frustrating evening, I have been without a working stove for a little over two months... yes you read that correctly... there were a ton of issues as the old stove was hard wired and the landlord had to find an electrician to install a plug.  Long story short, it has finally been installed, so what was to be a great evening as I was planning on actually making a meal since I have been using a microwave/crock pot/electric frying pan will have to wait another night.

I am highly disappointed that it would take that great length of time to complete this job... I am positive if it had been his stove, it would have been replaced the next day.  Anyhow, I have been feeling like it is time for me to move within the next year... now I am going to... I cannot continue to live in an apartment where the landlord would leave me without a stove for that length of time, it was truly uncalled for. I am going to look for a three bedroom apartment located closer to Valentina's school, as my place of work is talking about being able to work from home.

I would LOVE that, I could walk Valentina to school before I started, than I could just have someone pick her up after school for about two hours.  We would end up having an extra three hours together each day, we could go out and do things as five pm isn't too late to go out with your child... seven pm is... So, I am taking this as a push to get me to the next place, since I will need a third bedroom to use as a dedicated office.  It will be nice to have one, where I can shut the door after work and separate those two parts of my life.

Once I have this ability to work from home, I am sure the quality of my life will go way up, that is an extra three hours per day, I can exercise, read, clean, cook... can you tell how elated I am with the thought of having this much extra time per day, an extra fifteen hours per week.  All I can say is bring on working from home, I hope they pilot that soon.  Until then I still want to move to something better, it means really following a strict budget, which I am not all that good at anymore but this might get me back into the habit.

I will be spending the next few months downsizing more, the less stuff the better, I cannot stand the clutter... it's my little Valentina that likes to hold on to objects.  I used to when I was younger but the older I got the less I am attached to my things... I really could care less, I have gratitude for the items I have but I am not emotionally attached to them.

I have known for sometime that I should move, I need a neighborhood that has children in it so that Valentina can go out and play.  She goes outside here but she really has no one to play with other that the girls on the next street and they are not out that often.  I should have been planning this move last year but I was comfortable, I didn't want to listen to the promptings, I need to start going with them and not ignoring them because I am comfortable.

I am going outside my comfort zone in a lot of ways... I don't mind saying that I am a little excited and a lot scared....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Seeing The Light Eventually

I spent my whole Saturday busy with Valentina and cleaning.  First, I didn't sleep for more than two hours at a time Friday night.  Second I went to an Easter egg hunt with Valentina on Saturday morning. The third thing was cleaning, laundry, dishes and a total re-do of my bedroom. Thankfully a friend came over and helped me clean and organize my room... I was so exhausted I just passed out after she left.

My emotions are on a rollercoaster... I'm agitated and snappy or I'm crying.  My friend said that it is normal with everything I have handled for the past year or so.  She explained that grief and loss can take two years or more to get through.  Most people think I should just be over it... so I hide it, let people think I'm okay... when sometimes I'm just not.  I almost feel like I don't have the right to be sad ... but I do.  

If I don't allow myself to be sad occasionally ...  I will forever sabotage any growth possibility.  I need to be able to cry, maybe if I let myself cry... I'll finally be able to heal.  I really think the answer to dealing with pain is head on, I need to cry, be angry or whatever else it takes to get through the loss.  Why do people think that getting over losing someone or a dream is easy?  Why are people afraid to let other people grieve in their own time?  There are people who think I should just take a pill to heal myself but I don't think that's the answer... that just masks the pain and I never end up actually dealing with it. 

 

I was reading Mastin Kipp's blog The Daily Love today and I read this paragraph:

 

The metaphor of today is exciting and a reminder that no matter how dark it might seem, no matter what we might be going through, the sun will rise again and we will be reborn stronger, wiser and with greater insight than we had before. 

 

I know that the day will come where I will be stronger and wiser... until that day comes, I will deal with my pain more openly.  That means no more hiding, no more covering, no more everything is fine when it isn't... That does not mean I will be a total downer, I have ups and downs like everyone but I cannot continue to pretend that everything is fine just to please others.  That also means that I am going to start a conversation that I am afraid to start but if I never start it, I will never know.

 

Dealing with loss and pain SUCKS, if it was easy, none of us would mind... it's not easy though.  I am doing this for me, even if it means I lose something I love very much... what is the use in loving something if I cannot love it openly.  There is no use in that, it only causes more pain down the road.

 

Once you see the light, you come to understand just how deeply in the dark you have been. ~ Amethyst Wyldfyre

 

This quote above reminds me that I have seen the light before on many things I was in the dark about... I will see the light about this too...

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

 

Waking Up At 7 AM On A Saturday

Today ended up being one of those days where I accomplished quite a bit... my typical Saturday has me waking up early for a short time period and then going back to bed until almost lunch.  Which leaves my day short and I rarely get anything done.

Well, I woke up... Valentina came in to cuddle with me and then I just decided out of the blue to color my hair, have a shower, go shopping to two stores, did two loads of dishes in the dishwasher and did a load of laundry.  I feel good that I completed all this but I know I pushed myself a little bit more than I should have.

It's because I have been so laid up with my leg injury from the medication that everything started falling apart again. I had everything organized, I was on top of it but when I had no strength in my legs to walk, cleaning was far down on the list.  I finally felt like putting out a little effort to get back in the mode, I won't do so much the next time but I am going to put out a little effort everyday, when I did that I had my house in order.

I am pretty sure I won't wake up early every Saturday as I do enjoy sleeping in at least one day of the week.  For a number of years I worked practically every Saturday of my life and these days I am awake by usually 4:00 am from Monday to Friday... I just need to decide to only sleep until 9 am instead of 11:00 am, then I would have two extra hours to spend time with Valentina and do things around the house.

So the great thing that came out of today was that I am now prepared to cook tomorrow, I am making chili, fettuccine Alfredo and I am finally going to make the candy I am sending to my David, I haven't been able to stand for more than 15 minutes at a time for almost a month, that makes it hard to do anything that needs you to stand.

My goal for January is one of course to write in my blog daily, I know this one is later than most but I have finally had time to sit down and write.  Two I want to exercise a little each day and three I want to work at getting my house organized by the end of this month.

I am making small goals, weekly and monthly so as not to overwhelm myself.  As long as I am able to complete these, I will be able to get to the end of this year completing even bigger goals.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Reaching For Cloud Nine

There is power in purposeful positiveness: find the gems buried in the dirt of the situation and move down the road you choose. ~ Erica Kosal

I just came off a cleanse, I didn't make the full 90 days but I'm thankful that I did 75 days.  I learned a great deal about myself. One, I am capable of giving up TV and social media (did I miss it?).  I did miss social media, TV not so much.  I can eat healthy and enjoy it, I will stay eating good food with a treat here and there.

I was able to clean and organize my home to something I can now enjoy.  Also, I can maintain it by taking 15-30 minutes per day.  I enjoyed relaxing, blogging and going to bed early.  All good for me, all something my body and soul needed to heal from this past year.

I am going to do this on a smaller scale, like choose a day a week or every second week that I just take a day for me without the noise to fill me.  Than I will be able to feel and hear what I need.

I did something silly last night, I was cleaning out my email box and all the folders.  Of course I have one for my 'D', I allowed myself to read those early emails when he and I were so happy together. That was foolish of me, it just brought up all the heart break again.  I was not prepared for that, especially since Sunday November 4th will be one year when I realized my David more than liked me.

I was on cloud nine, sometimes I wonder if cloud nine is worth the fall?

 

 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield