Was What I Lost, Worth What I Gained

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I haven't had writers block, I have had this blog block, I have been writing in my other blog, my personal one, every night.  That is because I can say whatever I want, I don't have to gauge how someone might take it.  I feel like I have been skating on thin ice when I write here, I wonder if I might say something wrong... As well, after I wrote my last entry about deserving even better, it left me pondering a lot of things from that post.  My self esteem used to be wrapped up in if someone loved me or not.

That isn't the way that it is any longer, my self esteem comes from within now ... right where it always should have come from.  I feel though that my lack of self esteem in the past may have hurt me in a greater way... I feel like since I used to be needy that people that saw me that way are unable to see the change in me now.  I understand why people would have a hard time believing that I have changed, I have tried many other times, only to fail... but this time, something different happened.  I really got it, inside me, I got that I deserved to do this for me, I was worth all the effort.

I have been thinking about that a lot because since I have lost my bus pass, I have not been putting in as much effort .... I now make sure that I take two walks per day and I put in the effort to get my heart rate up.  I sometimes try to talk myself out of it but I get myself out, this is important, I need to stay active so that when I get my bus pass pack next week, I will be ready for the gym.  Every time I think of making an excuse not to go, I remember that girl from a short six months ago who had no idea what she was capable of or how strong she was. I never want to lose that feeling

Unfortunately I cannot make other people see the change in me, I just have to keep working on being the best me ... that is all I have control over.  It's not a good feeling when I know that my past behavior comes back to bite me in the butt.  There are consequences to our actions, even if we didn't mean them intentionally.  It is making me think twice about what I say or write now and in the future; my posts from the past are there to remind me where I don't want to go back to... I would delete some of them... a lot of them but then I might forget and I never want to forget where I was and don't want to be in the future.

I was focused on all the wrong things, I was not focused on me.  Since I neglected myself, everything around me was neglected.  When I took my life back this summer, I realized that taking care of me, helped me to be able to take better care of other things around me.  It was a good lesson, one that I plan to remember... the Summer of 2013 was the year I found my self confidence, the Fall brought a challenge I was sure I would fail, sometimes I wonder if I still won't fail but I keep moving forward and making new goals.  Sometimes that is all I can do with the challenges I have been handed, some day it might all make sense.

Until then, I have to keep moving forward, even if I don't always feel like it... Sometimes it is really hard... sometimes I wonder if it is worth it?  Was what I lost, worth what I gained?

Wow, I Deserve Even Better

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Where do I start?  At the beginning?  I then have to ask, which beginning?  The one for him and me, where then I explain how the beginning came long before that. It came from growing up feeling unloved and unwanted... My father was an absent one for the majority of the time and Ruth was my stepmother (she certainly could have lived up to the wicked stepmother).  I know lots of people will say that is not an excuse, they can point out many people who overcame that and had life long loving relationships.  I am not one of them, I am the one who has chosen unavailable men all of her life, why because I never felt worthy of love, I just craved it. However; the more I craved it, the more it eluded me...

The more it eluded me, the more I felt undeserving of it, first I met a man when I was 16 years old, he was 20.  All I can say, is where were my parents, I would not allow my daughter to date someone that old when she was only 16.  I would have put my foot down with Andrea, there are parents who need to step up to the plate, my parents were not those people.  I can't say that it was my mother as she felt she couldn't say much since she had not been in our lives for 10 years. That would be my father who was so lax... I don't know why he was but he was.

Anyway, that first relationship ended after an on again, off again for three years and when it did, it took me less than a month to get over him. Most guys after that were similar, meet a guy... guy is no good... have a short relationship... break up and get over them.  Along comes second important guy, he wouldn't marry me because I had already had a child outside of marriage and he couldn't explain that to his parents.   This coming from a man who had a child outside of marriage that he didn't tell his parents about until years later.  Okay that relationship ended... that took years to really end, it was before my marriage and after my marriage.  It took him being so callous after my ex husband Andrey raped me... saying what did I expect?  NOT THAT!!!!

In between that relationship, I married Andrey... that relationship was awful, from near beginning to the end.  He started out small, with calling me a few names, to yelling, to swearing to pushing... I finally got out of that and then less then a year later, he raped me.  A year after that he threatened to kill me... Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in that marriage... not because I was in love with him, I wasn't for a very long time and it was never real love.  I stayed because I signed papers where I was responsible for him, as soon as I found out I was no longer obligated, I set myself free.

Then I went on a dating spree, I don't think there is a better word for it, I saw who I wanted and I didn't care what anyone thought.   Finally about six months before I started speaking with him, I had settled down, I wanted something more than just frivolous dating.  I fell fast and I fell hard, it was simple, he was sweet, he was kind and I thought finally I was going to be with someone who I was deserving of and someone who was deserving of me.  That of course was not to be...  Then because of how I was raised, where I lacked love as a child, the reason I craved it so much... I held on longer than I should...Continuing to move forward now as I have been, each day moving on...

I keep reading that quote about letting go for something better, I will have to look that one up and add it in here... I can tell you this, he better be amazing, like crazy amazing... I am just not settling for less, I am sure he exists, I'm not giving up hope.  I think when I lost him, I lost hope... I started thinking how could I find anyone who would make me feel that special again but I will and like the quote says it will be even better, this time, the amazing guy will love me too.  I had to have him and lose him to find out that I deserved even better...(not that he wasn't wonderful because he is, that's why I say, wow... I deserve even better).