Being Kind To Myself

I have been thinking a lot about how I have been feeling about myself lately... I know I have been harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else, I think I expect too much of myself and I don't cut myself a break because I sometimes believe I have too many excuses. I haven't wanted to use justification so that I have a reason not to change. However; these past two weeks have shown me that I am not rationalizing anything... I'm honestly in a great deal of pain. Walking more than a few blocks have become intolerable, just standing up is an effort... I have kept thinking this will pass so that I can get back on track.

 

I took an additional two days of vacation off with my weekend, I really needed the time off from work to think and relax  ... While I was off, I tried to do a little shopping and I finally had to admit to myself that this is worse than what I had been admitting to myself, there's something more going on that I need to take the time to find out, it's not normal to have this much pain. When I get back to work tomorrow, I will be looking to take a vacation day next week or the one after where I can make an appointment with my doctor. 

The good thing is my friend and I are planning on joining the Canada Games Center this month, swimming will be about the only thing I can deal with right now as I don't need any added stress on my joints. Once I join, I plan to go there 3-4 times per week, I would love to say more but I don't want to push it... I can always add to it later. Also, my friend loves to swim in the lakes once the water is warm enough, so we definitely plan on doing that often this summer. Until I find out what is going on with me physically I am not going to overdue it with anything. I'll probably have to see a physiotherapist... I am hopeful I can turn this around. 

 

Also, Valentina saw the orthodontist and we have two options, one that we are leaning towards but we are waiting until the dentist receives the file, then we can make an informed decision. The good thing is that either method will fix the issue she is having, which I am grateful for... I know how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes such a difference with your self-esteem. Since I grew up with less than stellar looking teeth due to the fire I survived, I want different for my children if at all possible. 

I have been reading a great deal blogs over the past two weeks and quite a few of them involved learning to accept and love ourselves for who we are... and not putting ourselves down if we fail from time to time. If we are afraid to fail, we will never succeed. If I slip up it doesn't mean I am weak and unlovable, it means I just need to find a different way to succeed. There will be a way, it will just take time to figure out ... Admitting there is a physical issue is the first thing I need to do so that I can find out what is happening and then I can find what will work for me. 

Spring is just around the corner, we have been pretty lucky with the winter here this year which I have been really grateful for... it has been a blessing that I have not had to go out in it daily... with how I feel I don't know that I could have dealt with the commute much longer. I'm not going to be disappointed with myself, this isn't something I can just talk myself into... it's the same with depression when someone feels like this, they can't just tell themselves to get up and do things... they need to get help. The answer is that I need to be kinder to myself, the way I am with others...

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Letting Go Of Self Judgment

A couple of incidents brought this post about, I have been thinking about it for the past year or so off and on but this week it has been at the forefront of my mind. With that it seemed like people were talking about it and writing about it more... I do believe that what you think about you draw to you. Saying that I don't think we draw overwhelming challenges or trials to us as I believe we all have them regardless. Some of us are just better at hiding how they affect us, I am not one of them... I am the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't hold back, even if I may be judged for those feelings. 

However; saying all that I am also the girl who self judges all the time, I work so hard at trying not to judge others as I am always reminding myself that I don't know what is going on in their lives. When I was younger, I saw life more in black and white and made judgments against people but as I went through my challenges and gained a deeper understanding that we are all dealing with overwhelming trials, this helped me to judge others less. I often wished that I was one of those girls that could tuck away my feelings and show only the sunny side of life.

 I don't think it is wrong to show the sunny side or positive side of life, very few people want to be the negative person who brings others down. Truthfully, I don't want to be her either but I believe for me, saying how I feel, being my authentic self and showing others that even though I don't always handle my trials in life easily or with a big smile on my face... I still overcome and I never give up. Believe me there have been times I wanted to pack it in and say enough is enough but I know, really know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

No matter how difficult a trial is that comes into my life, I know that I will find a way around it... I might take the long path, the bumpy one that adds a few more challenges but deep inside, I don't let that give me a reason to ultimately fail. I used to say if I survived this or survived that, I can survive anything... then a bigger challenge would come. I still believe I can get over the hurdles that are put in my way but I don't think any one trial I came through will get me through to the next one, I think they are all cumulative. 

 What brought this all about is that I have great admiration for people that survive and thrive from incredible trials that I see them struggle with... and I have often judged myself and thought I couldn't get through this or that... I don't have that type of strength... but I think we all have that strength, regardless of what we tell ourselves... and I don't just mean this for trials, I mean this for making changes, living the life we were meant to live

I self judge myself and think who am I do do this or that?  The real question is who am I not to do this or that? If I honestly believe others can attain their dreams, then I can attain mine too.... The choice then is mine and always has been mine, who am I going to listen too... all the people who believe in me or the few people who don't believe in themselves... As a good friend said, no matter what, we are enough, we always have been and we always will be enough.... The only question I really need to answer for myself is who am I to judge myself?

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Loving Myself Is The Answer

I read this quote on Instagram and I was completely touched by it. It reminded me of how many times I had removed 'jewels' from my crown so that a man would 'love me' ... instead of finding a man that was worthy of me, I had lowered myself more times than I care to remember. Over the years I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I still single? Especially when being married to someone I loved and who loved me was all that I wanted. 

I have never been the girl who wanted the big career, I have never been the girl that wanted fame and I have never been the girl that wanted excessive money... I have been the girl that wanted love. When it didn't happen over the years, I had began to think it must be me, something I was doing wrong... over the last year and a half, it came to me that I had been selling myself short with the men that I had dated. I had forgot my worth. 

I got less then I deserved because I had expected it, in my mind I didn't deserve much more... all of this came after I had lost 'him' as my best friend... because at one time I had thought I was SO lucky to have 'him'... I neglected to remember that 'he' was lucky to have me. When 'he' stopped being friends with me due to a misunderstanding that I was not given a chance to explain, I ended up falling into a depression... this was when my eyes and my heart started to open more. 

I begin to see how I had thought I deserved so little over my life and this was why I had so little... what you expect is what you get... I remember a night 'he' and I were talking before 'he' came home and I was so excited and I told him I deserved 'him'... he stopped me that night and said, did I ever think it was 'him' that deserved me?... I was touched by what he had said but I didn't believe it for a very long time. 

What we both neglected to remember was that love isn't about deserving one another, love is about loving ourselves first and giving the best of ourselves to the other person. I now know that I had not loved myself enough and because I didn't I was not able to truly love anyone else enough. I had lived with fear that I was going to be alone, since I couldn't love myself, how could anyone else love me either. 

Although I may not find the love of my life, I now know more than ever that I want nothing less ... especially since I am willing to give my all to the right person if they were to come along. I never thought I would write this or more I never thought I would believe this... but I would rather be alone than be with someone who didn't truly love me... I love myself enough to never settle for someone just because I think I deserve some kind of love. 

The truth is we all deserve love, the question is do we know that loving ourselves is really the answer?

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Letting Go To Have The Life Waiting For Me

I know that many, if not all of you have heard the above quote at one time, in one form or another.  Today I heard this quote and it jolted me... I immediately went to the computer and pulled it up... The quotes and life lessons from Joseph Campbell are incredible and thought provoking.

One of the reasons I have had trouble moving on from 'him' was one, I love him with my whole heart and two, I feared what was out there for me.  I remember a woman in her 40's over twenty years ago that I knew who desperately wanted to be married. She finally met and married a man; however he looked like he was old enough to be her father.

I thought to myself at the time, wow... I don't want to get to my 40's being single and settling for a man who looked old enough to be my father... Then I heard that quote this morning and I was reminded that we all have a path we need to be on... That was her path and she was happy with her choice.

My path will lead to my hearts desires and it won't be some old guy who has no desire to live a little... I'm the girl that needs excitement and fun.  Also, just because I have let go of my past, it doesn't mean that it was wrong, it doesn't mean that it wasn't meant to be.  What it means is that I have to trust that some amazing man is looking out there... looking for someone as amazing as me.

If I don't know that I am amazing, how will any man know that.... my self esteem does not depend upon whether a man loves me or thinks I am amazing...  My self worth comes from within.... I do get a little defeated when I keep meeting men that have qualities that are so far removed from what I am desiring... but as my sister said to me this morning.. move on and say 'next'... and never settle.

I will never say it is easy moving on from a dream that you want and that you know would be wonderful... but I also know that not moving on is not an option for me.  If a man cannot see how wonderful and worthy I am, then it is his loss... truthfully it is his loss even more than mine.  I don't want to, nor will I settle for someone who would settle for so little in their life.

I don't believe in fairy tales  but I do believe in love... and deep down inside me that belief has held me together for the past eight months when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry non stop.  It was and is a rough road, however; I know I will rise above all of this one day and look back... I might even wonder why I almost settled for so much less then I deserved.

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Inspiration With New Possiblites

I've been inspired to write a letter a week about different parts of my life for one year.  Different events and people that changed my life, either good or bad.  Different life lessons I've learned... I was getting overwhelmed with how to start my book and this came to me.

I write better in letters, I think some of them will be lengthy... some shorter.  I feel so ready to write... I even have certain events... starting with my weight loss... back to the fire... a book from the present to the past, I want to start out with the weight loss and how I gained my life back by deciding to love myself enough to really believe I deserved to be healthy and active, I am after all just 50.  When I set out to lose the weight, I had no idea how much self esteem and self worth I would gain.

I hope that it is able to inspire other people, especially people at my age who think that it's impossible, nothing is impossible... only what our brain limits us to, I no longer want to be limited like I was in the past.  As you all know I have been dealing with some difficult challenges, one of them has come to a conclusion and frankly as much as I thought in the past that I would fall apart, I think I was numb when that challenge came along.  The end result came quickly and I easily let it pass.  The other trial is not one I can just say oh well, I somehow have to figure out how to make that one right.  Someone asked me how long I would wait to see it right, I said for the rest of my life.

That doesn't mean that I am not going to live, I have the other 20 pounds I want to lose, I am going to complete my PCP by the summer and then I have a really big idea of something I want to do but that is down the road.  Oh and I am going on a date on Saturday, he seems sweet.. he's been a gentlemen ... my side that has a hard time trusting wonders if he might be too good to be true.  Anyhow, I will find out Saturday, I am tentatively hoping he is as nice as he is coming off.  I think it will be great to be attracted to someone again, for the past two years I have not been the least bit interested... I think my heart had to have time to heal a little.

I'm still not sure I am ready to love yet but I will never know if I don't try... My heart is leery but this guy has kind of peaked my interest ... which is new to me.  Anyhow, I am taking my time, meeting him for a hot chocolate and talking, then go from there.  So, I am not living in the past and I most definitely don't have my head in the clouds about my future, I am living today... making goals and working on things, I see a lot of improvement.  I am grateful to have some goals and getting my passion back ... I had lacked that part of me for a long time. 

I hope everyone is in the festive mood and getting their last minute things done so that you can enjoy Christmas with your family and friends.  I am getting there, I will just take a couple nights next week and get it all done, I am looking forward to relaxing and watching Christmas shows and movies with Valentina, it is just not Christmas until I have watched it's a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street and How the Grinch Stole Christmas... plus we have had snow, so it looks like it might even be a white one. I had planned to read my blogs tonight but that will have to wait until tomorrow when I am a bit more refreshed, I had an hour and half chat with the guy I am meeting on Saturday.. so now it is time for sleep. 

 

Jumping Off The Fence

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I had to take a deep breath to relax myself tonight, first I haven't slept more than 3 hours for the past two nights as I have had a lot on my mind... I have been thinking about the issue that is getting in the way of me sleeing, just being grateful if I have one night of sleep a week.  I have not been able to sleep well for the past 10 years but it is really the past 2 months or so that I have had this much difficulty.  It's because I didn't want to make a decision one way or the other, I'm always afraid of not making the right one.  I thought it was easier living in limbo... since either decision was not going to make me happy.

Normally a decision is cut and dry, this one is the complete opposite. This decision makes me sad either way, for the past two months I held out hoping I didn't have to decide.  However; something has become crystal clear to me in the last week and made me realize that I had to decide on the easiest one of them.  Although I dare anyone to find either one of them easy.  I just know that I have to do something, otherwise in a year... I will be in the same place that I am now.  I honestly don't want that for myself, that is why I finally made a choice.

I think the fact that I made a choice will help me to able to sleep... my mind has been racing for the past two months, rarely letting me rest... it's time to make a change.  Much like I made when I committed to getting healthy and losing the weight, it wasn't easy in the beginning, it was a lot of hard work but it paid off and it is still paying off today.  Hopefully this choice will pan out the same way.  I realized another thing too, I am not ready to date, I really thought I was... I am not saying I won't be ready in the very near future but for today and probably until the end of this year I think I will put that idea on a shelf.

I know that I deserve someone amazing, I have self worth and self esteem... I was talking to that guy from the other day.  He said it is scary to date and I said I didn't think it was scary at all but I did think it was scary to fall in love again.  He questioned me if I was really ready to date since I wasn't sure I wanted to fall in love again.  I knew he was right, I am at the point in my life that although I want that crazy and amazing love that comes from letting go and giving your whole heart to someone and having to trust they won't hurt you.  I am going to need some time to get through the repercussions of this decision I have made.

Either way I was going to need the time, then I will be ready to put myself out there and finally meet that guy I am worthy and deserving of, I believe that kind of love exists.. I see that with people that I know, so I know it can happen... it just has to be in the right place and right time. Lately I have been wishing that I could go back and change one day... so many things would be different right now but the truth is in that song The Dance, I was better off not knowing, otherwise I might not have had some really truly amazing experiences. Although extremely painful now, I am glad I didn't miss the experience...

It's time for me to get out of limbo and finally jump off the fence one way or the other...

Was What I Lost, Worth What I Gained

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I haven't had writers block, I have had this blog block, I have been writing in my other blog, my personal one, every night.  That is because I can say whatever I want, I don't have to gauge how someone might take it.  I feel like I have been skating on thin ice when I write here, I wonder if I might say something wrong... As well, after I wrote my last entry about deserving even better, it left me pondering a lot of things from that post.  My self esteem used to be wrapped up in if someone loved me or not.

That isn't the way that it is any longer, my self esteem comes from within now ... right where it always should have come from.  I feel though that my lack of self esteem in the past may have hurt me in a greater way... I feel like since I used to be needy that people that saw me that way are unable to see the change in me now.  I understand why people would have a hard time believing that I have changed, I have tried many other times, only to fail... but this time, something different happened.  I really got it, inside me, I got that I deserved to do this for me, I was worth all the effort.

I have been thinking about that a lot because since I have lost my bus pass, I have not been putting in as much effort .... I now make sure that I take two walks per day and I put in the effort to get my heart rate up.  I sometimes try to talk myself out of it but I get myself out, this is important, I need to stay active so that when I get my bus pass pack next week, I will be ready for the gym.  Every time I think of making an excuse not to go, I remember that girl from a short six months ago who had no idea what she was capable of or how strong she was. I never want to lose that feeling

Unfortunately I cannot make other people see the change in me, I just have to keep working on being the best me ... that is all I have control over.  It's not a good feeling when I know that my past behavior comes back to bite me in the butt.  There are consequences to our actions, even if we didn't mean them intentionally.  It is making me think twice about what I say or write now and in the future; my posts from the past are there to remind me where I don't want to go back to... I would delete some of them... a lot of them but then I might forget and I never want to forget where I was and don't want to be in the future.

I was focused on all the wrong things, I was not focused on me.  Since I neglected myself, everything around me was neglected.  When I took my life back this summer, I realized that taking care of me, helped me to be able to take better care of other things around me.  It was a good lesson, one that I plan to remember... the Summer of 2013 was the year I found my self confidence, the Fall brought a challenge I was sure I would fail, sometimes I wonder if I still won't fail but I keep moving forward and making new goals.  Sometimes that is all I can do with the challenges I have been handed, some day it might all make sense.

Until then, I have to keep moving forward, even if I don't always feel like it... Sometimes it is really hard... sometimes I wonder if it is worth it?  Was what I lost, worth what I gained?