Freedom Is The Path I Choose

 Have you ever sat down to write something and been certain what you wanted to say, only to find that while you are trying to write something, it keeps going in another direction? This rarely happens to me as I get an idea, I start to write and it just comes out. Of course there are times it is more clear then others but I rarely struggle to get my point across. Tonight I struggled, I wrote a whole post and after I finished I read it and it was the most disjointed writing I have done in a long time. Usually I have one idea, this time I had two different ones that didn't really work with each other if that makes any sense?

 

Instead I felt the need to write about challenges, last week I wrote about how I was finally ready to forgive a woman who I don't even know personally that has gone out of her way to hurt me in any way she could through lies... truly forgiving her has helped me a great deal this week... when I thought about her, normally I would become angry and frustrated, this week I took her for what she was an insecure woman who has no trust, I actually felt sorry for her and I had pity.. how sad must it be that she isn't happy enough with herself that she feels the need to bring other people down?

Although I have a long road ahead of me, I am now on the right path... it bothered me that I had such difficulty getting passed the feelings I had for her when I have forgiven many people in my life that have hurt me a great deal... I intellectually understood that true forgiveness is really to free ourselves but for some reason emotionally I held on to the thoughts I had of her... thinking by forgiving her it was saying what she has said and continues to say about me is okay... Today I no longer care, they are lies and I  have no need to prove her wrong... the truth will come out and it won't even be by me. 

It was like when my ex step mother Ruth was abusive physically and emotionally to me and my sisters... when I forgave her and moved on, I no longer wanted to get revenge on her for the pain she caused me, I knew that it would come, I didn't wish it and I wanted no part in it... that is how I am feeling about that woman today... It was difficult for me to realize my part in this for the past couple of years, by holding on to her, I was drawing all her negativity and lack of self worth to me... 

I always thought I was so good at forgiving people, until she became a part of my life... and I took on that mentality that since she had wronged me and lied about me... I had a right to defend myself and prove to her that she was wrong... who cares what she thinks of me, she isn't going to change her mind about me, she wants to dislike me and there is nothing I can do or say to change that,  I can only change my mind... which I have done...

Although I don't need or want certain people in my life that have hurt me greatly... I choose to forgive them and have compassion for them even. If I could not forgive these people, who am I to expect this for myself? ... I am sure I have hurt someone a long the way in my life, I don't think I have done it on purpose but indirectly I am sure I have... I would hope that I could be forgiven too... I know some people will say or think that when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, that it's harder to let that go, I think it is needed even more then...  It honestly has brought about a path of freedom I forgot even existed and taught me that forgiveness is a form of love and a choice I make... 

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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Letting Go To Have The Life Waiting For Me

I know that many, if not all of you have heard the above quote at one time, in one form or another.  Today I heard this quote and it jolted me... I immediately went to the computer and pulled it up... The quotes and life lessons from Joseph Campbell are incredible and thought provoking.

One of the reasons I have had trouble moving on from 'him' was one, I love him with my whole heart and two, I feared what was out there for me.  I remember a woman in her 40's over twenty years ago that I knew who desperately wanted to be married. She finally met and married a man; however he looked like he was old enough to be her father.

I thought to myself at the time, wow... I don't want to get to my 40's being single and settling for a man who looked old enough to be my father... Then I heard that quote this morning and I was reminded that we all have a path we need to be on... That was her path and she was happy with her choice.

My path will lead to my hearts desires and it won't be some old guy who has no desire to live a little... I'm the girl that needs excitement and fun.  Also, just because I have let go of my past, it doesn't mean that it was wrong, it doesn't mean that it wasn't meant to be.  What it means is that I have to trust that some amazing man is looking out there... looking for someone as amazing as me.

If I don't know that I am amazing, how will any man know that.... my self esteem does not depend upon whether a man loves me or thinks I am amazing...  My self worth comes from within.... I do get a little defeated when I keep meeting men that have qualities that are so far removed from what I am desiring... but as my sister said to me this morning.. move on and say 'next'... and never settle.

I will never say it is easy moving on from a dream that you want and that you know would be wonderful... but I also know that not moving on is not an option for me.  If a man cannot see how wonderful and worthy I am, then it is his loss... truthfully it is his loss even more than mine.  I don't want to, nor will I settle for someone who would settle for so little in their life.

I don't believe in fairy tales  but I do believe in love... and deep down inside me that belief has held me together for the past eight months when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry non stop.  It was and is a rough road, however; I know I will rise above all of this one day and look back... I might even wonder why I almost settled for so much less then I deserved.

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Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...

I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.

Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.

Wow, I Deserve Even Better

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Where do I start?  At the beginning?  I then have to ask, which beginning?  The one for him and me, where then I explain how the beginning came long before that. It came from growing up feeling unloved and unwanted... My father was an absent one for the majority of the time and Ruth was my stepmother (she certainly could have lived up to the wicked stepmother).  I know lots of people will say that is not an excuse, they can point out many people who overcame that and had life long loving relationships.  I am not one of them, I am the one who has chosen unavailable men all of her life, why because I never felt worthy of love, I just craved it. However; the more I craved it, the more it eluded me...

The more it eluded me, the more I felt undeserving of it, first I met a man when I was 16 years old, he was 20.  All I can say, is where were my parents, I would not allow my daughter to date someone that old when she was only 16.  I would have put my foot down with Andrea, there are parents who need to step up to the plate, my parents were not those people.  I can't say that it was my mother as she felt she couldn't say much since she had not been in our lives for 10 years. That would be my father who was so lax... I don't know why he was but he was.

Anyway, that first relationship ended after an on again, off again for three years and when it did, it took me less than a month to get over him. Most guys after that were similar, meet a guy... guy is no good... have a short relationship... break up and get over them.  Along comes second important guy, he wouldn't marry me because I had already had a child outside of marriage and he couldn't explain that to his parents.   This coming from a man who had a child outside of marriage that he didn't tell his parents about until years later.  Okay that relationship ended... that took years to really end, it was before my marriage and after my marriage.  It took him being so callous after my ex husband Andrey raped me... saying what did I expect?  NOT THAT!!!!

In between that relationship, I married Andrey... that relationship was awful, from near beginning to the end.  He started out small, with calling me a few names, to yelling, to swearing to pushing... I finally got out of that and then less then a year later, he raped me.  A year after that he threatened to kill me... Somewhere along the line, I lost myself in that marriage... not because I was in love with him, I wasn't for a very long time and it was never real love.  I stayed because I signed papers where I was responsible for him, as soon as I found out I was no longer obligated, I set myself free.

Then I went on a dating spree, I don't think there is a better word for it, I saw who I wanted and I didn't care what anyone thought.   Finally about six months before I started speaking with him, I had settled down, I wanted something more than just frivolous dating.  I fell fast and I fell hard, it was simple, he was sweet, he was kind and I thought finally I was going to be with someone who I was deserving of and someone who was deserving of me.  That of course was not to be...  Then because of how I was raised, where I lacked love as a child, the reason I craved it so much... I held on longer than I should...Continuing to move forward now as I have been, each day moving on...

I keep reading that quote about letting go for something better, I will have to look that one up and add it in here... I can tell you this, he better be amazing, like crazy amazing... I am just not settling for less, I am sure he exists, I'm not giving up hope.  I think when I lost him, I lost hope... I started thinking how could I find anyone who would make me feel that special again but I will and like the quote says it will be even better, this time, the amazing guy will love me too.  I had to have him and lose him to find out that I deserved even better...(not that he wasn't wonderful because he is, that's why I say, wow... I deserve even better).

Good Fathers Do Exist

Well, my second day was almost as good as my first day for exercising... the weather has been holding out and co-operating with me... it is warm but also there is a great breeze.  The only small down fall was that I didn't take my sneakers to walk with... I wore a pair of flats... not such a great idea as now I have two blisters... lesson learned.  I will just have to walk through the pain until they heal, I am not giving up walking now that I have started.

Tomorrow after work I am going to stop off at the store and pick up a good pair of rain boots... it has been raining a lot here for the past month or more... who am I kidding, I was beginning to think I might be able to swim to work.  Although I love rain in the evenings for sleeping, I seriously have had more than my fair share of rain for the time being.  Saying that, I also need to be prepared so that I don't let that be an excuse not to walk.

I have three big agendas on the go right now and I am trying hard not to overwhelm myself, the first one of course is exercising and eating correctly... the second is finding a place to move (I have to get on that as I want to be settled somewhere for September) and third, I have to purge this place.... I get so completely frustrated when I go to look for a simple item I know I have and it is not where I left it... I find that Valentina's clutter is invading all spaces right now... she has been just dropping items, clothing, shoes... whatever - where ever  she wants to... I have stopped hanging out in the living room as I rarely if ever watch TV... she has taken the room over and it is just one huge disaster.

So, this week I will be taking the opportunity to walk around my neighborhood to see if there is any available places I could rent, I am also going to start collecting boxes and packing away anything I am not using and that I will still need to use, once I am moved.  Next, Valentina needs to look out, I will be throwing items away at will, I have talked to her until I am blue in the face about putting her things away... apparently she needs to lose them to appreciate them.  Especially when the items are anywhere but in her room... I do care how her room looks but I don't care as much as long as the rest of the house stays relatively clutter free.

It's father's day today... not a day I have celebrated as first my father and I were not super close and he passed away in November 2004.  I have been a single mom twice and neither of those men stepped up to the plate to be the fathers they should be... I went to church today and one of the talks given was about not holding a grudge or resentment for lacking what we felt may have missed out on by not having the father we wanted.  It reminded me that although my dad didn't act like the father I needed him to be, he was there for me...

It also reminded me that holding a grudge or resentment only hurts me and I didn't even realize that I was doing it until today... I shut down when I read on Facebook and Twitter where, everyone was raving about their fathers and husbands... then I went to read some blogs and there were posts about the wonderful dads and husbands these people have... It made me cry to realize that I had been holding any resentment about this... this is not me... I don't like to hold onto anything like this as I know it only hurts me in the long run.

I went onto Facebook and wished all daddy's a wonderful day, especially my amazing son-in-law Paul who loves his son, my grandson Jackson, my nephew Kyle who is a really good daddy to his son Lucas and of course I could not forget my David who is a terrific father to his two children.  There are some really fabulous fathers and I feel blessed to have some of these men in my life who show me that good fathers really do exist...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Starting Over

“Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go but rather learning to start over.”   Nicole Sobon

I heard this quote at the end of a show I watched a couple of nights ago and I was looking for the author before I could write about it.  I finally found the author on Good Reads and liked it there immediately. I liked this quote because learning to start over is so much harder than letting go.  I am grateful that there is an acknowledgement of this in this quote

I am fabulous at holding on, I am very tenacious... I rarely let go because I often wonder if I can make the next dream I have even better than the last.  What if nothing else ever measured up to the dream you're trying to let go of?  What if there is only mediocrity?   I have to remind myself that I am anything if mediocre... I highly doubt that anything I was involved with would be boring. 

I want someone who can l laugh just as much as I do, I think if you have a lot of laughter in your relationship then you are better able to handle the lows that inevitably come along.  I think after being with Andrey who had absolutely NO sense of humor that I would be unwilling to settle for anything but the complete opposite. Having a sense of humor is a deal breaker for me, plus I think it keeps you young.  

I have been seeing the other side of learning to start over and although I know it is going to be difficult, I plan to start over.  I have set some of the ideas into motion, the plan to get healthy, the plan to move up in my career and then hopefully I allow myself to start over and find love.  I seriously wouldn't want to see myself alone, I have too much to offer and I am a lot of fun.  Sometimes I wish I had learned the art of letting go, like some people I see...  I don't know how they do it so easily but I would love to learn that some day. 

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
  

Letting Go To Heal

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."- Rachel Naomi Remen

Each day has been a day to learn how to deal with the pain, it has become less but it's still been difficult.  Living with this kind of weakness and pain has been hard to focus on what really matters, I am trying to handle it all and grow above it.

Not that I haven't been grateful for my health, I have been. I still am, even though it's been more challenging.  Coming through this will and can only strengthen me!  This will help me to remember how blessed I am once I actually get through to the other side. 

This weekend past was another one to rest, another one to think about what I want and how I have to go about it to attain it.  Some dreams I have to give up on, so that I can live the life I'm meant to live; I have to believe that things will work out as they were meant to. 

Some things in life throw us curves to see how much we want what our heart desires.  I lost my focus due to seeing my hopes and dreams destroyed when they were so close at hand.  What I've been wishing, dreaming and hoping is a good and righteous dream, something good that I more than deserve.

The difficult days we experience can become the driving force for change. Rather than becoming victimized by adversity, we can choose to be grateful for it, embracing it as a gift from the Divine. ~ Dr. Terry Gordon

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

I Write To Give Myself A Voice

The night before last when I went to bed, I had started this post but when David messaged me, I felt the desire to post my last blog.  Still I wanted to post this one as well.

A blogger that I read posed a question to her readers:  What inspires you to write?  I commented that there wasn't one thing, it just seems my life is chaotic and there is always something to say.  My life is rarely peaceful which made me question if I attract all the craziness into my life?  Maybe it's comfortable to me since I've always had massive instability in my life.

Starting with always being on my toes with my ex step mother Ruth who used any excuse in the book to just ridicule, slap or spank us.  Once my younger sister received a spanking for breaking an elastic band, yes an elastic band.  One Easter we all received the same coloring book and one of my sisters drew a hat on a character, my sister had to copy it in all three books.  We were not allowed to color outside the lines.  That is crazy, I encourage my children to be individuals and definitely color outside the lines, who cares.

I had to deal with that crazy, more like psychotic woman for 10 years of my life.  It was like walking on egg shells and praying you wouldn't crack them.  She seriously had mental issues, you would have to, to treat children the way she did, I honestly thought she gained pleasure from it (maybe she did), now I think she was coming from a place of lack, still that's no excuse.

When I was younger I could not fathom why this woman (my ex step mother), could possibly hate us so much that she felt it was okay to abuse us.  Her excuse later in life was that my father ran around on her.  Ummm, and this was our fault, why?   Then as I got older I realized there was no good excuse and finally I believe that she came from a place of lack.  She is a very unhappy woman and it showed throughout my time of knowing her.

I gave up on hating her, that was a waste.  Instead I am stronger than that... she does not matter, nor does she define who I am in my life. I  no longer care what she said and don't waste too much time thinking of her, she is really not worth my time.  I sometimes ponder what could possibly make her behave the way she did?  I have no answers though because I cannot think the way she did and that is actually good.

So, I think that because I was constantly on edge, I kept that mentality throughout my life, never truly trusting that people didn't have ulterior motives and feeling as if I was unlovable.  Hence why I tolerated men treating me less than I deserved.  My desire to write came from this, it gives me a voice and a place that I can say whatever I want to, which  helps me to work through these issues.

I guess I answered that question then, I write to give myself a voice!

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Keeping It Safe

I had my blog written for yesterday but I didn't get it out until this morning.  Instead I felt compelled to write a long letter to my "D".  He's on vacation, away for a couple of days so I'm not able to talk with him, I had something I desperately needed to talk about with him.  We can talk about anything at anytime but sometimes things are better when you take the time to organize your thoughts.

I even thought about writing it by hand but I knew I would never keep up with the thoughts in my head.  They we coming fast and furious, I could barely type fast enough.  It was one of those letters that was raw and emotional, I laid everything out; I sobbed uncontrollably.  I'm okay, I just needed to write my feelings down, I felt better.

I'm really grateful that I had that time at Christmas with David, I had a wish fulfilled; one I never thought I had a chance to have.  Regardless of how it all worked out for now, I was the happiest I have ever been.  The hard part of this is that usually when two people break up or don't workout, there's a reason.

I can list off all the reasons my past relationships have ended, with David I can't give one reason. There was no definitive answer, no big fights (no arguments at all), complete respect, no judging.  He got me when no one else did, I got him too; he's quirky like me.  There is little chance for me to move on until I can understand what went wrong? 

Maybe there are no answers but then I will be stuck in limbo, figuring out how to move forward.  Not sure if it's possible with all the questions I have unanswered.  At least I'm in a much better place than I've been for the past 7 months, there were days I was unsure if I could get up and go to work.  Simple tasks were unbearable and the crying was out of control.

I finally don't cry for no reason and it's nothing extended.  Which is a good sign but I still don't want to move ahead.  If moving ahead is dating other people, I highly doubt I'll be able to take the next step.  Someone would have to be incredible and deserving of me, making me want to open the locked safe I've put my heart in.  I'm trying so hard to protect my broken, injured heart... 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Sun Will Rise Again

I had another post written from this morning but then I went out to visit teach some friends from my church with my friend Eileen.  I had an amazing time laughing and talking about so many different topics. I just really enjoyed getting to know these women more.  I feel blessed to have this opportunity to get to know people I might otherwise not get to know.

I just realized something today that really helped me put things into perspective about David, the feelings that David had for me have only been since the late summer of 2011.  I've had feelings for him since I was 15 and they only intensified when I realized he had feelings for me.  It was just so easy to let go and fall in love with him.  I already had feelings for him for 33 years.  I guess I can see why that would be difficult for him to understand why I'm having trouble getting over him.  Not that he doesn't feel that I have the right to be sad and disappointed, he just doesn't understand I only needed the opportunity to let go and fall in love with him.  He really had no idea how much I already felt for him and how easy it was for me to fall for him.  The sad thing is yes, it was easy to fall in love with him but not so easy to let go, now I have to pick up the pieces and it won't be easy.

I will get a handle on this, I will figure out how to get through... if I can survive childhood abuse, being treated like no one when I was married and being raped; I can survive this right?  I have to say this one seems so much more painful, I've sobbed my heart out and I'm surprised I have a heart left.

There are so many more worse things happening on this planet than my little sad broken heart, I needed to get this into perspective.  This is just a small blip in my life, maybe one I needed to make me realize I wasn't born for romantic love but for something greater.  Maybe I am here for another reason, maybe I am strong enough to be alone.

Whatever the reason is, I will NEVER be sorry for my time with David, I never felt more cared for, more loved and more happy in my whole life.  I lived out a fantasy that most people would never have the opportunity to have.   At least I had  a dream come true and we are and will always be close.  I need to take time to heal and I will get better.  He and I will talk and be close in the future and the truth is that absolutely no one knows what the future holds.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Insignificant

I wanted to post last night but I was so emotionally wiped.  I was in bed a little after nine and I stayed there until almost midnight where I woke up long enough to turn off the TV then went back to bed.  I am going to apologize up front but my posts won't be all that happy and uplifting over the next few days.  I thought about not writing but I think I've already lost enough and I didn't want to lose this too.

Every time I think that I have moved forward, I see myself going backwards again.  I have this incredible need to be loved, which I am sure most people in this world need too.  Some people are able to be fulfilled by other things, I only want to be loved and cherished. Do I think that love is easy and the answer to all my problems... no... but I think it's worth it.  The happiest times in my life have been when I felt love, real love... the kind I feel for David.

All I have desired was what I wrote about in Fairy Tale Love and My One And Only.  Sometimes I wonder if that exists for me?  I have seen it with other people, why am I so difficult to love?  What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me?  Of course I have to give the same kind of love back and I am willing to do this.  Before everyone thinks that I don't feel grateful for all the blessings I have been given, they would be wrong.

I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everything I have.  I always am... I see blessings each and every day in my life.  I did the hardest thing I had to do last night, my tummy was upset, I was shaking and I felt so sad... I felt worse after because I didn't get to see the result that I thought I might see.  I saw that maybe I don't even matter.  That sounds awful, it sounds like I am selfish saying that but the truth is that we all want to be seen, heard and loved.

I didn't feel that last night, instead I felt like... oh... okay.  I wanted to hear words that couldn't be said because maybe I imagined something that was never there.  So how could the words be said that I wanted to hear?  Today I feel insignificant... I guess that is selfish but it is how I feel.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Letting Go Can Mean Success

I read many amazing and uplifting blogs but one that I read everyday and stands out is, "The Daily Love" by Mastin Kipp.  I 'stumbled' upon it or I would rather say I was inspired to find it:).   It is incredible and positive, it is real, open and honest.  He talks about what has inspired him and then he poses a question about what he's spoken about.

Today he spoke about how we sometimes have to give up what we want most, especially if we are afraid or panicky.  If we are that it must mean there is something so much better out there for us. It's all about trusting God/universe to know what is best for us. He knows better than we know. I did that this week, I realized I was being unbelievably fearful.   That kind of fear that left me not being able to breathe clearly; where I would cry with so much emotional desperation.  Then I was inspired to let the fear go, the fear was holding me back.  I was letting the fear win.

As soon as I really let go, my life changed completely. All in a good way; which made me realize that I was truly holding onto the fear.  Now that I've let go, I see things are better, I needed to go back to the basics, I had complicated the whole thing with worrying.  I'm lighter, I feel free.




I also came to the knowledge that I was selling myself short, as if I wasn't enough.  I'm more than enough, we all are.  The minute that we think we are not enough means we are coming from a place of fear.  There is nothing wrong with knowing we are enough.  I believe it is selfish when we think so little of ourselves.

If you feel inclined, take a moment and read Mastin Kipp's Blog thedailylove.com , I am inspired by him daily.  He makes me think and I have had one aha moment after another.