There's Not One Right Decision

I am on vacation for the next five days, I have packed a lot into those days... today was super busy with one errand after another. I did everything I had planned and tomorrow Valentina and I are going to get our hair done, she is getting peek a boo colors in the back. We are having a mommy daughter day and going to have make overs together. I am looking forward to that time with her, then I have to settle into studying. I am feeling ready though, once I made a decision, I relaxed.

Isn't that always the way it is, at least it is with me. I spend so much time weighing my options and wondering if I am making the 'right' decision... then once I do, I relax because the truth is, even if it isn't the 'right' decision, I can always change direction. I need to remember that more often... I am just wasting time with trying to make the 'right' decision. I usually take the right path, I may take the round about way but I always get there.

Sometimes I think I write about the same thing that I wrote about six months or a year ago. I go back and do a search and I find I have but once I read it I realize I have a whole different take on it now then I did at that time. Which reinforces to me the importance for me to continue to write down my challenges, failures and successes so that each time I may deal with that trial on a different level. I will be able to see just how far I have come.

For me if I don't write it down, in a year or so when I come up against a similar trial, I wouldn't be able to clearly recall how I dealt with it and how I overcame it. Before computers became the norm, I rarely wrote stories on paper because I could never keep up with my thoughts. I don't always keep up with them on the computer but at least I can type my words instead of writing ineligible sentences.

I am grateful for lessons, none of them being easy... some of them being so downright painful I wondered how I made it through them. I realized for me it was being able to write my stories out so that it gave me chance to see the solution. Often times it is the comments or messages that I have from you that have given me the answer... other times I will be reading a blog post that someone has written, it touches and inspires me.

I have something I need to say, this past year has been the most tumultuous year of my life. I had life changes that threw me for a loop where I wondered if I would ever recover from the feelings of sadness and despair. I honestly attest this blog and my readers really helped me to get through. I may have lost one of the most important persons ('him') from my life but I gained all of you who are there for me. I felt so lost and alone but when I wrote I had so many of you reaching out and offering friendship, thank you.

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Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.

I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.

I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 

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