Comebacks Are Stonger Than Setbacks

Time has been flying by so quick lately, I have been busy at work, doing overtime, staying late to get work done and starting early. By the time I'd get off, it was all I could do to just make a meal and keep up with the housework. There are less than two weeks left for the busiest time of year at work, I am looking forward to having time for myself again. This weekend is a long one for us in Nova Scotia today, it is Family Day... I made sure I had all the housework and grocery shopping done so that today would just be for me to write... oh and get caught up on my blogs... I am way behind and I have truly missed you all. 

I think I need to consider giving television up again, I did it for 5 months before and I didn't miss it... it is such a time waster for me. I haven't been able to give it up totally, so I have been contemplating having one day a week where I can watch a couple of my favorite shows and turn it off for the rest of the time. Then I could actually use my time for other activities such as cooking, reading, exercising and keeping in contact with people I love. I have been questioning what I really want as I find that I am doing the opposite of what I say I want... I do wish it was easier to commit to doing what I say... 

I remember being so committed, I had a goal and I was driven... it's like I let the challenges break me. I am being honest here, I let those challenges break me, it's like I am terrified of committing to anything... I have failed so many times in the last year to year and a half. Part of me thinks if I don't commit I won't fail again... When I know that if I don't commit I will fall backwards... because the truth is if we are not moving forward, we are going backwards. I want to change that feeling, I want to face the fear and move through it... 

I have been acting like I am weak and unable to fix the broken parts of me... somehow it seemed easier than facing the truth and making the changes. I have grown through many challenges that I often believed were impossible for me to see through to the other side... Each time the trial seemed insurmountable and yet I made it over each mountain over and over... becoming stronger. Every one of us has numerous tests we are given, we all have to decide for ourselves if we are going to fight to get through or let them bury us. 

I have been allowing it to bury me and frankly, it hasn't felt good... I have talked the good talk for months but they have been empty words, admitting that I have been going backwards is the first step in moving forward. I know I cannot make all the changes I want all at once, I have to start prioritizing what is important and then build on it each day. No one climbed a mountain in one day, it took climbing hills and gaining strength and knowledge to get to the top of the mountain. I know I have to commit all the way but... I don't have to commit to everything all at once, that will just continue to make me feel like a failure and I won't ever succeed at anything. 

The good thing for me is that spring is on its way here, still a month or so away but I am seeing the light... and Valentina has her orthodontist appointment in less than two weeks, so I will finally have a price to fix her teeth. Half the issue is not knowing, I can't commit any other money anywhere until I know what I will be needing on a monthly basis. Also, I will then be able to get around easier when the snow is gone and the daylight will last later in the day... I have hibernated with winter, more so than usual but it's time for me to take the first step of ascending that mountain I want to climb to the top of... Although there will be setbacks, the comeback is always stronger...

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Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Making Room For My New Life

We had a long weekend here in Canada, I was excited as I planned to sleep in a couple of the days... of course that didn't happen, however; I did get a lot of things done that I had on my list. I had a couple of ladies I know come to my home early this evening and we cleaned out my office, preparing for me to work from home in the near future. It is amazing how much stuff we hold on to... I found things I had not seen since I moved in here almost 8 years ago... I purged so much of it, it felt wonderful.  My motto is if I have not used it in the last 6 months, it is going. 

I am working on that with Valentina too... she tends to hold onto stuff and it just clutters her room. I know many people will say to me it is her room and I just need to close the door... she will learn to pick up after herself. Unfortunately that is not how it works with her, her room gets out of control and then she tends to leave it in many parts of the house. She went swimming today with a friend and she needed her lock, we had to go through all the bags she has and we found it with many of the other items she was missing...  I told her that her room is next on the list and that she really needs to think about what is important. 

Frankly if it is important, you will take care of it, you will know were it is... it will not be at the bottom of closet or in a bag with garbage in it... When I decided that working from home is very important to me, I knew I had to do whatever possible to make it happen. At first I believed it was moving to a new place but once I found out that Valentina will be needing braces for a few years I had to rethink what I actually needed. I still wanted to work from home and a way was suggested, I decided then and there to make it happen, not wait until I was given the green light... 

I think waiting would have meant stressing myself out at the last minute... I have become comfortable with my bed in the living room and by staying here, I have been forced to rid my house of unnecessary items... so I realized I never had to move, I had to change my thought patterns thinking that I needed more. Having more wouldn't have made me happy... Can you imagine if I had found the place, moved in and then found out about Valentina's teeth?... everything happens for a reason.  I needed to see that I had enough... more than enough. 

I'm content with where I am right now, I can see that it will be much less stress that I stay here... it is close to the grocery store, the dentist, the beautiful walking trail, major malls... I am able to walk to many of these places. I am looking forward to making it happen as soon as possible... Hopefully before the summer is over, I don't want to travel another winter and I want to be home for Valentina... sometimes we need to make concessions to have what we really need... 

I remember reading many years ago that if you want something in your life, you need to make room for it... that is why I decided to get prepared for this change in my life... This made me think about how I have cluttered other parts of my life so that I don't have room for change... It is time for me really think about what is important and what I can and cannot live with out, only then I will be able to make the room for what I really need in my life. 

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Challenges Can Turn Into Blessings

I started this post a couple of days ago on my phone, originally when I started I had a list of items that I felt were holding me back from progressing but as I wrote, I realized a lot of what I was thinking that was holding me back was actually a blessing. Kind of an a ha moment that helped me see things differently and I started to appreciate it. I am leaving the rest of the post as is, I want to remember how writing this down showed me the answer.

I'm very unsettled because I know the life changes ahead for me cannot even start until some long term ones happen. The first being able to move which won't be happening until next summer before Valentina starts junior high. Unfortunately the longer I stay here, the more I feel stuck. I actually never even made the place homey by decorating or putting pictures up. My next place is where I want to unpack, put pictures up and make the place mine. I'm hoping to bury some memories that way too.

I'm anxious to close the door on my past from where I live, there are too many memories of 'him' and not necessarily things but moments and memories that come from being here. I want to start fresh... being here reminds me too many times of 'him'... they dance behind the scene until a sight or smell reminds me of the past.

Second I want to complete both courses to get my paperwork so I can run payroll anywhere in Canada. However, I'm having challenges with that now, one course is waiting on upper management approval and the second I need to pay for upfront... then get my money back. Unfortunately it looks like I might need to replace my washer... a necessity in this household, so school would be on hold.

I was feeling panicked to complete both courses by the end of the year because if I don't I will then need to work a year in the field to get my papers to have my PCP. I was frustrated with the road blocks placed in my way, when I thought about it I realized I can get a job in the payroll field just with my work experience here and the fact that I completed the courses.

Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, it might actually be better for me to take one course at a time and give it my full attention. That way I will have time for living a bit of a normal life too, maybe even start dating again. I think I have put that on hold long enough, I just wrote about needing balance, I think this is a much better way of attaining that goal. Besides I don't want to add more stress to my life that most likely wouldn't benefit me in the long run.

Challenges can turn into blessings, it is just hard to see sometimes... 

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Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...

I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.

Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.

Dating With Self Esteem

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

First I am not sure why I decided to start dating... a spur of the moment thing... lack of sleep... insanity...a little of all three. I think it's stupid for me to date when I'm still in love with my David... I wish I wasn't but I am..

I've only been out there for less then a week... I want to say what kind of freaks are out there?... Geesh... The first guy with no picture who started talking to me, after 30 minutes he is asking me to go to his cabin on Friday night... yeah.. NO! (Psycho)   The second guy I talked to for 30 minutes gave me his phone number... Really??? He didn't get mine. (Desperate)  How about the third guy who wanted me to call him, when I said no, he said if you don't me call tonight, we will never talk again... Okay...  I said, let me make this easy for you, we can stop talking right now (Controlling).  Oh and my personal favorite, the guy who offered to send me pictures of his body parts... Yeah...NO... I did not give him my email. (He needs a hobby and a life)

I had to say a few times to guys, do you all have nothing better to talk about?  I was purely going on this site to date, go out for a walk, dance, dinner, sporting events... something fun.  Let's not forget to mention all the men who put pictures up...who should not have... I am not all about the physical but some of these were just scary WOW!! ... Oh yes and the married men, looking for a fling... Get divorced, oh and we still won't talk. If this is a sampling of what is out there and what is to come.... I'm passing on it. All I can say is I have my full self esteem... I'm not desperate... I'm not interested in losers who are A) married  B) unemployed and or C) not interested in changing themselves.... Get a life and don't get back to me.

I have a busy full life, I work.. I'm a mama, I exercise, I blog.... I do not spend a lot of time watching TV... or playing games on the internet. Now I'm going to start my book too.. .. I actually know I don't have time to date... I am finished with the foolishness.  I decided that I need to take a break away from dating, from social media and from blogging.  I need to get some priorities straight....

1)  I need to organize my exercise better, I want to get to my goal weight by February, this includes starting strength training.  This means I have to give up other things to get myself in the best shape possible.

2) I need to move, I do not want to be living in this place at the beginning of 2014.  This means I have to really start looking, going to see places.  Then de cluttering my place some more .

3) I want to start the outline of my book, if I don't put it as top importance, I will never get started.

I have been taking Zumba, plus swimming and still walking a bit... I need to make exercise one of the top priorities, it will be more difficult to take off the last 30 pounds I want to lose than it was the first 58 that I have lost.  Plus I do not want to ever go back to the way I ate or lived my life, that is the trap that often happens. People seem to be able to lose the weight but don't maintain it because they don't keep the changes in their lifestyle, this is how I want to live forever.

If anyone wants to contact me, I will still be checking my email tweety_pie_36@hotmail.com  Please feel free to drop me a line, I would love to hear from you.  I am deleting my apps off my phone for a while, I can always re download them when I am ready. I really just need to get my head and heart into a better place... I have been off center for a long time.  I know this will be good for me to really focus on a few things I need to complete... then I can come back refreshed.  I will miss every single blog I read and comment on... I know I will be able to catch up when I get back... I am not sure how long I will be gone, a little longer than I normally go for but I really need to make some changes.  I hope you all understand and come back once I am posting again... I am hoping I will be down under 200 by the time I get back, I will do a post on it, to catch you up...