How Do I Trust Me?

I have been quiet, not writing here... in the last week I actually wondered if I would be able to write anytime soon... I have written, just not here because I wasn't sure how to get my point across about how I feel right now. Last week I had an incident happen that made me think and question where I am in my life emotionally. There's a part of me that believes that truth always wins out, however; I have had to admit that sometimes it takes many years and possibly not in this lifetime...

This thought saddened me as I realized that I have been holding out hope that it would happen sooner rather than later.... with that thought, I reflected on trust and not so much about trusting others as often people end up letting us down. I think that is why I had not truly trusted anyone until 'him' ... what I concluded was that with the broken trust that happened with us, I have not been able to trust myself... I was wrong on so many fronts, I have made choices in my life that I question.... I know that our choices in the past is what gets us to where we are today. 

What I have been questioning is, if I cannot trust myself, how am I ever going to trust anyone else again?  I know that I have been blessed in my life and I have overcome a great deal of trials... I excelled passed many of them but this has been incredibly difficult to rise above. I hesitated to write here about this because I know there are people who will say I just need to think positively, I just need to move on or I just need to take that leap of faith and trust myself... basically fake it until I make it... 

I don't think you can fake trust, I don't believe that is a way to deal with it, approaching it that way, is only stuffing it down or sweeping it under the rug... this always comes back until it is worked through. Although, I have to say... I am not sure how to overcome this... broken trust is one of the hardest things to deal with, especially when I have lost trust in myself. I did believe in myself fully even when I didn't always make the best choices, until my trust was broken in a way that made me question every other choice I made.

Lately all I can think about is what I can do to get passed this and truthfully I don't have an answer... nothing I come up with helps me to believe that I can truly trust myself... Without somehow finding a way to believe in my ability to make a good choice, where will this leave me? I think in limbo, which I know is not a way to live... I have attempted to deal with this for a few years now, I always end up packing it away, thinking I'll figure it out later.

Later has come a few times and I am still here trying to find a way to trust myself... I can't keep putting it away, it all came to a head almost two weeks ago and I have been teary about it... I think that is why I keep pushing it away, a part of me isn't sure I can handle the emotions that come with opening myself up. When this happened over two years ago I cried all the time and I didn't sleep. It's scary to think I could go back there but I might have to ... I hope I am up to the challenge...

 

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There's Not One Right Decision

I am on vacation for the next five days, I have packed a lot into those days... today was super busy with one errand after another. I did everything I had planned and tomorrow Valentina and I are going to get our hair done, she is getting peek a boo colors in the back. We are having a mommy daughter day and going to have make overs together. I am looking forward to that time with her, then I have to settle into studying. I am feeling ready though, once I made a decision, I relaxed.

Isn't that always the way it is, at least it is with me. I spend so much time weighing my options and wondering if I am making the 'right' decision... then once I do, I relax because the truth is, even if it isn't the 'right' decision, I can always change direction. I need to remember that more often... I am just wasting time with trying to make the 'right' decision. I usually take the right path, I may take the round about way but I always get there.

Sometimes I think I write about the same thing that I wrote about six months or a year ago. I go back and do a search and I find I have but once I read it I realize I have a whole different take on it now then I did at that time. Which reinforces to me the importance for me to continue to write down my challenges, failures and successes so that each time I may deal with that trial on a different level. I will be able to see just how far I have come.

For me if I don't write it down, in a year or so when I come up against a similar trial, I wouldn't be able to clearly recall how I dealt with it and how I overcame it. Before computers became the norm, I rarely wrote stories on paper because I could never keep up with my thoughts. I don't always keep up with them on the computer but at least I can type my words instead of writing ineligible sentences.

I am grateful for lessons, none of them being easy... some of them being so downright painful I wondered how I made it through them. I realized for me it was being able to write my stories out so that it gave me chance to see the solution. Often times it is the comments or messages that I have from you that have given me the answer... other times I will be reading a blog post that someone has written, it touches and inspires me.

I have something I need to say, this past year has been the most tumultuous year of my life. I had life changes that threw me for a loop where I wondered if I would ever recover from the feelings of sadness and despair. I honestly attest this blog and my readers really helped me to get through. I may have lost one of the most important persons ('him') from my life but I gained all of you who are there for me. I felt so lost and alone but when I wrote I had so many of you reaching out and offering friendship, thank you.

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You Can't Rewrite The Past That's Written

I was thinking about my next post and what I wanted to write, this phrase came to mind and no matter how many times I thought I want to write about something else, I kept coming back to this. You can't rewrite the past that's written... you can only move forward but that does not mean you should forget or try to change the past, it means you should learn from it and cherish most of it; for the past made us who we are today.

Why is this on my mind? This is a really tough week for me... it is my best friends birthday this week and I can't even wish him a happy birthday.  I think that is very sad and it didn't have to be that way... however; it is that way and nothing I say will change it.  So, although I cannot say it directly to him, I will be thinking of him and wishing him the best.  For I could wish nothing less than happiness and joy for him ... that would make me happy.

The phrase came to mind for a couple of reasons; one, I was told that I remembered things the way I wanted to... not true, I remember the way they were.  In the past I couldn't have said that because it is too easy to change our memories to how we want them to be... In this day and age though, it is easier to stay true to what was, since most of it is in writing. Two, I often wish I could change a key moment... although I know that is not possible either.  Instead I just have to move forward and remind myself that not everyone wants to remember the past the way it was... and leave it at that.

I have come to terms with my past and I am moving forward as I have been for quite some time... it was about a year ago that I knew my path was not the one I wanted to be on.  It was that realization that made me finally make the changes that I needed to make in my life, eating right and exercising; generally getting healthy. It was the best decision I ever made and stuck to in my whole life.

I also remember the day everything changed, one night everything was fun and laughter and within a matter of days it all changed... that was when I stopped sleeping through the night... and it took me a long time to center myself.  I still have days but I am moving forward as there is no where else to go and I refuse to be stuck... my life changed by 180 degrees and although I am not as happy as I wish, I know I will be again because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... I just have to hold on.

Things change and people change, all of this can happen in a moment... but you can't rewrite the past that's written...

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