I Decide Who And What Is Good For Me

True happiness is proportional only to my yielding to the brokenness, and not to my refusing to accept it or to my struggling to overcome it. ~ David Patten

This quote touched me, I have always thought I had to accept or overcome sadness, this put it all into perspective. I have to yield to it, it will be the only way I can truly grow to my potential.

Last night I was talking to my sister who was lamenting the fact that she was still alone... She admitted she was still in love with a man from her recent past and he's still in love with her.  I said what's the issue?  She said he lives in Texas. I said okay, why can't you be together?  She said I'm in New York, he's in Texas. 

Then I told her that if things had worked out with my David as they should have.  I would have moved anywhere with him. I would have lived on the moon, nothing would have kept me from being with him, nothing!!  I've never felt that way about anyone else in my life.

She stopped and said, you're right... She is seriously thinking of waiting for the school year to be over and then moving there this summer.  I hope she does it, I hope it works out. I want to see her happy. If we don't take a chance now, when? 

It never ceases to amaze me how people who are close to me that have non stop opinions of how I need to live my life. The biggest one at the moment is how they think I need to remove David from my life completely. 

They don't understand how important my 'D' is to me.  If they did, they wouldn't suggest anything that crazy.  When my best friend Heather died in 2002 in a car crash, I lost it, literally.  I barely functioned... I really believe I had a breakdown, I cried non-stop, I didn't eat for five weeks, I lost 40 pounds. 

I didn't care about anything, that was when I found out I was pregnant with Valentina, I was shocked. Finding this out brought me back to eating and taking care of myself.  I loved Heather as my best friend and I very nearly didn't make it through, I don't want to think what would happen to me if I lost my David completely.

He centers me, doesn't judge me, makes me laugh and makes me feel special.  It's true that it is difficult not having him completely but some people are worth having part way.

To be 100% honest, if I had thought for one minute that my D and I wouldn't make it, I would have just stayed friends.  The type of friends we are is so much more important than romantic love. Don't get me wrong, the romantic part was wonderful, amazing and fabulous.  I just don't think having all of that would have been worth losing him over. He's more than that to me.

I know that people just care about me and they want me to be happy, I am happy with having David as a friend.  I am not going to lie and say that it is easy but I know that I have weighed it from both sides and being friends with him well out weighs the pain of not having him completely in my life the way I had wished.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Sister Shelly

Shelly and I were not always close, however; I have to say that I respect her and I am in awe of how she has changed her life around.  As children we were as different as night and day.  I was shy when I hit high school and Shelly was popular (not in a good way), I found out later.  She was in with the bad crowd but I saw her as popular, pretty and she never had a problem dating.

We never became close until the past few years, we talked a lot and the funny thing is that she kind of resented me for how well I did in school and I kind of resented her for her so called popularity. She wanted to be known for more than her beauty and I wanted to be known for more than being smart.

I have great respect for her because she was very young, just 16 when my dad and mom separated again and Shelly moved with Dad to Binghamton NY.  She married a man who was controlling and abusive and she had two boys a year apart.  Finally when she left him, he got a hold of her and raped her.  For years she dealt with that in ways that I now understand, she mostly hurt herself.

Finally she got her life together when her two boys chose to live with her when they were young teens, she started her own very successful cleaning business, as well she went to university in the evenings. She finally got her degree as an MSW Social Worker, I am so proud of her... I know how hard this had to be, she worked full time, owns her own home raised my nephews (they are amazing boys) and when she was in her 30's she had another child as well.

She has overcome one horrendous incident after another but she never gave up, she believes in herself and she proved to everyone, especially herself that she is not just a pretty face.  She has brains to boot and she did this all by herself.  She really had no one helping her, I have to commend her and give her the praise she so rightfully deserves.

I love her, even if we have not always been as close as I have been with my other sisters.   This girl is strong, even when she was down, she pulled herself up and made a life to be proud of.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Sister Darlene

My sister Darlene is nine years older than me, although she doesn't look a day older than me (actually I think she looks younger). I am hoping I have her great genes when I get that old.  I didn't grow up with Darlene as my mother was married at the age of 18 and had three children with Dale before separating and than my father and mother became involved.

My mother didn't raise my three older sisters, her mother did.  From my understanding my grandmother wasn't a very sweet woman, apparently she was abusive as well.  I know that Darlene was the good girl, she went to school, gave gran very little trouble.  She is a peacemaker,  she is always looking to keep in contact with her family.

So, I had reconnected with my sister Cheryl well over 25 years ago and I ended up calling Darlene one night to reach Cheryl.  That was when Darlene and I started writing to each other, she never missed a birthday or holiday with a card, she is so very thoughtful and kind.

Than in the spring of 1994 Darlene called me to tell me she would be coming to Halifax, she lived in Salem Oregon at the time.  I asked her if she was coming up this way for something else and she said 'no', I am just coming to visit you.  I was shocked and I felt very special that she would come that far for me.  She came up for 4 days that summer and we had the very best time.  We connected and became closer than two people could ever be.

After she went home, she called me and told me that everyone was getting the money together for me to go to Oregon in the summer of 1995.  I suspect she paid for the majority of the trip, I went there for 23 days and she made it so special for me.  I felt important to her, she loved me and still does no matter what.  I feel so grateful that we connected back than, especially since we had not even known each other for many years, other than hearing the others names while we grew up.

She even came to Halifax for a day when she was on a 7 day cruise a couple of years ago, I kept Valentina home from school for the day, I took a vacation day and I spent the day downtown with her and her incredibly sweet hubby Tim.  I love this sister of mine, who loves me for me and always makes me feel so special.  I am incredibly blessed to have her in my life.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Sister Lisa

My sister Lisa is three years younger than me, we weren't super close growing up as she and my sister Shelly were closer in age but as we grew older we did become close.  She was only two years old when my mother and father separated and my father introduced the monster Ruth that would be our horrible nightmare of a step mother for years.

Lisa took a lot of the abuse when she was little since she was the one left at home while Shelly and I went to school.  Ruth was terrible to her, making her sit at the kitchen table for hours, forcing her to eat food she didn't like, even shoving it down her throat.  Years later, I heard of how Ruth beat her on many occasions, even having her stand in a closet for hours.

Finally when my father could no longer be blind what was going on as my sister Shelly spelled it out to him when she was 14, he finally left.  Lisa was afraid, she didn't believe that he wouldn't go back to Ruth so she refused to leave.  My father who was weak, didn't fight it... all of us should have forced  her to go, I think that Shelly and I were afraid ourselves but we were older, I knew without a doubt that I would NEVER go back even if dad did.

I always felt my sister Lisa was and is a good mom, she set boundaries when her children were little and stuck to it, I was weak and gave in.  So when I separated from Andrey finally, my sister and I decided to move in together, she was there for me and Valentina.  She was the best auntie Valentina could have asked for, she changed her life around to make mine better.  I worked late and couldn't afford to have someone pick up Valya and of course I couldn't pick her up myself.

Lisa did this for Valentina, she picked her up each day from daycare, then she would prepare dinner for her and have her dressed in her jammies before I got home from work.  When I was weak and couldn't set a bed time, she took over and helped me to get her into bed at a set time.  To this day, my Valentina goes to bed by 8:00-8:30.

My sister has tried to live her life authentically and I see her never giving up, she loves her children and her grandson.  She never judges her family or friends for the choices they make, she stands by them no matter what.  I know that my little Valentina will always have her aunt to be there for her in her time of need when she becomes a teen.

I pray for my sister daily, she has dealt with so much and you know what she said to me recently?  She told me of all of us that I deserved to be happy and finally have that happy ending.  I think we all deserve that after the life we have lead.  We came through horrific circumstances and we all survived and bettered ourselves when we could have just given up.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield