I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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Facing Fears Becomes Our Strengths

 

I sat down yesterday and poured my heart out in a blog post and before I published it, I reread it of course... then I deleted it from here... some things are too raw and real to post. No matter how much I want to write exactly what is in my thoughts and heart, I just can't... I started a pseudo blog so that I could say what I wanted, it's an open blog but I will not be promoting it in anyway. I could write it privately but I have a need to put it out there... maybe what I say can help someone else. 

I am definitely in a better place than I was a couple of years ago when my heart was broken and all I could do was cry all the time... it took me a long time to get to where I am today but I readily admit that it's not easy all the time. I have moved forward but there are times I hear a song, read an old blog post of mine, come across a quote that reminds me of what I lost... inevitably I am left thinking how I got to that day that changed me so much. For the longest time I felt broken and I could not see how I would or could feel good again, let alone feel like it would all be worth it again.

I got there though but not without bumps on the road that threatened to take me down roads that might be hard to return from... I believe we all have those forks in the road, where we have to make a conscious choice to take the difficult path, the one that will help us grow and become who we are meant to me. That path is beyond hard... it would be so easy to leave it and go on the easy path that stops the pain but what you give up to have that is more than I was willing to give up. 

I have been on those 'easy' paths, the ones where you don't have to feel... I have seen many people on that path too... there is something that comes along and derails them and the pain is crazy hard and it's easier covering the pain than dealing with it head on. Since I have been on both roads, I can tell you that although the difficult path is painful it is the only one that will or can bring about a clarity. I had to come to a point in my life that I had to admit that even though the pain was going to be heartbreaking to deal with, it had to be dealt with. 

I am never going to have the answer to how I got to one of the hardest days of my life and right now I'm not even sure I know why I had to deal with it... except it taught me one thing, I was unbelievably sure that I would not survive... I am not joking, I mean what I wrote... but I did survive it and now loss is not a fear of mine like it used to be... I think life is about conquering our fears and growing beyond them... Fears are certainly not easy, it is like opening a wound and opening our eyes to the truth and deciding we are stronger than that fear.

These past few months had me thinking about what I want to do in my life once the time comes that Valentina is grown... I want to experience life fully and show both of my girls that there is a beautiful world out there where we can make memories... It might not mean going far from home, it might mean just seeing places near by... but it means getting out of our comfort zone and facing our fears. Only then will our fears become our strengths... 

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