I Am A Survivor

I have been wanting to write a lot but my sweet kitty of  10 years was diagnosed with renal failure, when I lost her, my home felt very empty, I was dealing with the loss of her, she was more my cat than anyone else's, she was like my shadow .... a couple of weeks later I found my sweet black kitten Oreo, he lights my life up and makes me smile.  He has so much energy, I knew he needed a friend to keep him company and within two weeks I found my grey cat Chai who needed a new home. The two of them have kept me busy when I wasn't working, it takes time to integrate two kitties together and have them both feel comfortable. Chai is still finding his place even though he is more mature... Oreo really is a boss... he's not afraid of anything.

A couple of weeks ago, I sat down and watched the story of Elizabeth Smart, I was in complete awe of her special spirit... it made me look back on my life and the numerous trials I have dealt with. I never compare the types of trials we deal within life as I feel all trials are there for us to grow, become stronger and to become a better version of ourselves. I also know life is a series of challenges that we work to overcome, some easy, some extremely difficult... I have always said and believed that it isn't the amount or difficulties of the trials that we deal with, it is how we deal with them.

 

After watching Elizabeth Smart and hearing about the many horrendous trials she dealt with after she was kidnapped at such a young age of 14, she never thought of suicide but she thought it might be better if she died at times... but she had a strong will/desire to live and she did. She doesn't hold on to the hate or anger that would be so easy to do.. She realized at a very young age that holding on to the bad only hurt her. She seriously seems happy, she was able to marry and have two children... Today she gives back to other people by speaking out about what she dealt with and showing others it is possible to not just survive but thrive and be happy.

I realized that although I want to handle my trials in a better manner, I often don't... I think many times, why me? Haven't I dealt with enough? But life isn't about having everything perfect and wonderful because I have dealt with endless trials... it means I need to take the time to figure out what I can learn from each trial, how I can grow so that when the next challenge comes a long I will be more ready to handle it, I will be able to figure out the lesson quicker and have the time to enjoy the quiet in between.

Life is about finding the joy, whether in between the trials or even during the trials... I know many people will wonder how we can find the joy while we are handling a trial that seems insurmountable, however; the truth is that more often than not we get through and after dealing with it, we discover there was something we needed to acquire from the test. I also know there are a great deal of people who will question why anyone would have to deal with certain trials... the thing for me is that when I read or see how someone came through a trial that was beyond what I could imagine... I know if these people have the strength to get through them, I believe that I can survive mine and even grow stronger from them.

I'm a survivor, I never give up... even when it feels beyond hope, a way is always made. However; I acknowledge that being a survivor is good, what 's even better is that I find the good in whatever trial is dealt to me... Then I will be a warrior survivor...

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Pain Can Make You Or Break You

I'm sorry I have been away for so long, the physical pain I was dealing with was beyond what I could handle. I often thought that if this was the way my life was going to be, I couldn't see any good. I was negative, unhappy and I had lost hope. I had got to the point that even moving around my home was almost unbearable... the doctor gave me pills to deal with the pain but they only exhausted me and made me loopy... I was barely functioning and if it wasn't for my very good friend I may never have left the house. 

In that time period, Valentina had to go to the hospital and have her embedded teeth removed as well as her four wisdom teeth. She really handled it well, I am grateful it is over with and that she won't have to deal with that pain in the future. She is now taking great care of her teeth, which I am very happy about as I know more than most people how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes smiling so much easier. 

About two weeks ago I went back to see my doctor, I told her that I couldn't handle the pain as I was barely making it... I was thankful that I was able to work from home as that would have only brought more stress on me. Worrying about finances was not another trial I needed to deal with at that time. My doctor suggested a new prescription that may help with nerve pain... I started them immediately and within three days I was able to deal with the pain. It's still there but it no longer controls my every thought... now I have to work on getting back to walking and exercising.

I will definitely be taking it slow, I don't want to reinjure myself...  however; I really need to lose some weight to take the pressure off my back as I know that isn't helping me at all. Thankfully summer is almost here and it is quite light in the morning, I can take a quick walk around my neighborhood to get me started and my friend and I will be able to start swimming in the lakes in the evening very soon. We are both looking forward to that, it's a good way to exercise without putting more pain on our back and joints. 

I know it will take some time to get back on track to be healthy again but I have hope now, I feel like I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I had nearly given up many times over the past year, I held on because I am tenacious, I don't give up. Some days were much harder than others but I found something deep inside to hold on until I found some relief to deal with it... I will never take it for granted, I am incredibly grateful that my doctor found something to help. 

I want to thank each and every one of you for all your comments, emails, and messages on all my social media. I didn't think I would be gone this long, I truly missed you and blogging a great deal... I just didn't want to write while I was so negative. I tried to write a couple of times but I felt like the pain blocked me from any good thoughts... that's not what I wanted on my blog all the time. Sure we all have ups and downs but I felt perpetually down. Life and trials are never easy to deal with, pain can make or break you... I am thankful it didn't break me...

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Life Is A Beautiful Struggle

Since I have been waiting to see the doctor, I have almost been in limbo... I know that she won't be able to figure out immediately what my issue is and truthfully I am frustrated. Part of me is fearful that it may take a long time for a diagnosis... if there is even one. I am trying to be positive and hopeful that she will be able to find a solution to my pain. The whole thing is depressing me, making me feel as if this is it and there might not be a way out.

I don't want to think like that but I know people who live with chronic pain... I have and I have had empathy for them, with a great deal of gratitude that it wasn't one of my trials. I couldn't imagine how they dealt with it, now that I have been dealing with it, it brings tears to my eyes... and I am saddened that many people have to handle such physical burdens. Once again life has intervened and thrown another wrench it to change it again.

I thought because I had to cope with one struggle after another and since I didn't end up with the dreams I had hoped for... I believed I deserved a life without debilitating trials, I wanted to travel in a few years. Once Valentina was grown up, I had nothing holding me here anymore... I figured maybe that was the way it was meant to be, I didn't believe that if I was with someone that I could travel to wherever I wanted to... whenever I wanted...

We don't always get what we think we deserve and life continues to give us trials ...  often they don't make sense until long after we get through them. I believe if I had the choice to take other paths in my life, knowing what I know now...  I wouldn't go down other paths. Truthfully if I was asked while I was going through them I would have run in another direction as quickly as possible... it only makes sense much later with deep reflection. I never did figure out why losing 'him' from my life was needed, I just ended up putting it on a back burner... otherwise, it would have destroyed me.

With my health deteriorating ... it has me questioning why? Not that there is an answer, it's just another challenge I have to cope with. I might sound a little selfish here but frankly, I don't want to go through this, for once I wanted one of my dreams to work out... I never took my health for granted, especially in the past couple of years where I worked so hard to be healthy, I felt blessed that I had put it all together at one time after many years.

One conclusion I have come to over and over but more now than ever, if there is something you want to do in your life, do it... don't wait. There will never be a good time, something will always come up. I often let everyday living take over, instead of seizing the opportunity... I do know that if I can get my health back on track, I won't be waiting for anything, I will just do the things I've dreamed of... hopefully, I will be given the opportunity to follow those dreams and more ...

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Christmas Wish 2016

 Our Christmas Tree for 2016🎁🎀🎄

 

I have to say working from home has been SO good for me, I'm nowhere as exhausted as I was in the past. Last weekend I did all my Christmas shopping except for one item, then I had some company drop over last Saturday and they were sweet and offered to wrap all my gifts (this is my least favorite activity) ... for the first time in a very long time I am really looking forward to Christmas. I have tried to get into the spirit of it for the last couple of years but deep down it wasn't there... basically, I faked it until I made it. I could never fake it with myself, though, I just went through the motions.

I am excited that I will be having a few friends over for Christmas too, it has been a while since I hosted a holiday dinner. Tonight I will be watching all my favorite holiday movies while baking and cooking... It was a tradition for years when I was raising Andrea, now that I am working from home, I have the time to do the things I love for Christmas... I am happy that I am feeling the spirit of the season and that I am excited to celebrate the holidays.

This is just a short post to wish everyone one of you a happy holiday and a very Merry Christmas. Remember that this season is not always easy or happy for everyone, I hope that we can try to include those people who might be alone or in need of some love and kindness. This is my mission for next year and in the future, as love and relationships are what is the most important now and throughout the year.

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Backwards Then Forwards

So, it's been two weeks since I was given the opportunity to work from home and I have to say I am loving it. When I get a call near the end of my shift, I relax... I am not tense thinking about how I need to get to the bus stop. It has changed my mood greatly, I don't even think I knew how much it would alter my mood until I was finally working from home. I have been getting up each morning, making breakfast for Valentina and talking with her before she leaves for school... then when she arrives home after school we talk about her day. It has been so good not to feel pushed for time or to feel exhausted after a long day. 

This year is fast coming to a close, if I am being honest, I have to admit it has been a very difficult year... from being injured and unable to exercise the way I like or need...  to gaining the weight back that I worked so hard to take off and keep off... to dealing with depression and having to work through it . Thankfully I no longer have the commute which makes that part of my life easier, I am looking into new ideas to get my health back on track, now that I have the time. I'm also grateful to have made a new friend this year who is great to talk with and hang out together.

This weekend I am going to decorate my tree, my friend was kind enough to set it up and put the lights on... the difficult parts. She really shaped it nicely, I am looking forward to seeing how it turns out once I have completed it... I still have shopping to do, thankfully it's only for Valentina now, she keeps changing her list, she better get it finished so that I can get out and buy some of them. I have taped all my favorite Christmas shows, I am enjoying getting into the spirit of the season, all I will be needing is to get my holiday music started. 

I have been reading many blogs and it seems that there is a theme going around, one that I too have been thinking a great deal about... this year has flown, most of it I have not had the best attitude, I'm a little disappointed in myself as I believe it isn't about the challenges we are given so much as how we deal with them. Since I didn't have the greatest mindset, I feel that I missed out on the good things that were in front of me by wishing the year away being frustrated with the pain and endless waiting to work from home. 

Here's the lesson I learned, I need to remember that even when I am going through hard times, they aren't forever... even though it sometimes feels like it will never pass.  I have to slow down, listen and start looking for the blessings... they are there, it's a matter of where I put my focus. It's true that if you look for the negative you will find it, so I am regrouping and looking for the good. The trials come no matter what... so I don't need to look for them. It baffles me that I have to continually learn this lesson over and over... 

I am reminded that although I feel like I go backwards at times, I usually end up moving ahead  further once I have learned what I need to learn... I have not been present in my life this year, I have started being more present and I am going to take that into 2017. I am hoping by living in the moment that when those tests come along and they will, I want to remember that they won't last, so I won't waste energy being frustrated with them. I may take steps backwards but I will always step forward again...

 

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Sometimes We Must Lose In Order To Gain

I took an unintended break from writing as I was on a short vacation, I am back to work tomorrow... the time off was great, it really helped to rejuvenate me... I stayed up, slept in, spent time with Valentina also caught up on my blog reading and commenting. This was the week that Andrea was supposed to come home for a visit but the price of tickets almost doubled so that is on the back burner for a while... Hopefully next year it will be more feasible... 

So, I finally decided after eating well for the last five weeks that I needed to get weighed again, I am pleased to say I am back on the path of being healthy and I am very happy about it... although I have gained weight, I also know I can take it off since I have done it before... it feels good to know that I am working in the right direction again... I did exercise three days last week, I'm looking forward to building on it more in the future.

A friend of mine found me the nicest corner desk for my office which she spent a few hours setting up for me... it's really starting to come together... now working from home still has to be approved through work (a very long story)... which may not happen but I am going to remain hopeful. Also staying organized is a full time job when you live with a teenager... I plan to keep encouraging her daily until she hopefully wants to keep it up herself... I know...  wishful thinking with a teen but I'm not giving up, it is important to me to keep the house in order.

Sometimes it feels like there are just one too many trials that come my way... I can't let it determine my mood no matter how challenged I feel I am... A few years ago I would have managed it in a poor way by trying to fill the loss with things that ultimately mean nothing and only damage and weigh me down more. I had to decide what is important and I have to keep choosing that daily if I am going to learn to fill the voids with good choices that will lift me up... 

Disappointment is a part of life and dealing with it in an unhealthy way won't make it easier... Besides as hard as it is to not get what you want, life is much too short to be frustrated all the time. The older I become the more I realize that life throws us curve after curve and how I handle it is what will define me. Eventually everything will work out the way it is meant to... I just have to have patience and have a good attitude.

I learned a great deal by decluttering this summer, I realized that I bought and held on to items that actually didn't bring me any joy... they weighed me down... I really felt lighter getting rid of them, I no longer want to go out and purchase an item just to fill an empty void... I want to be conscious of my feelings... I can tell you that it isn't easy in the short term but I can see it being better in the long run...  Unfortunately sometimes we must lose in order to gain...  

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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Believing In The Light I Couldn't See

I have been really busy for the past couple of weeks, I realized I had the opportunity to get to a milestone that I never thought was possible when I was looking over my stats on Fitbit and noticed that if I was willing to go all out and walk as often as possible that I might be able to reach 600 miles in three months... and I did it with a day to spare. From July 1st until September 30th I walked over 607 miles, 126 hours of that time was active exercise and I ended up with more than 1,200,000 steps.

I was thrilled when I reached the milestone for many reasons, one because I proved to myself that I could do it, two I proved that age is not a factor if you put all your effort into it and three I removed many excuses out of my life to achieve the goal. There were mornings I thought about just hopping on a bus, misty days I thought about staying home and days where I thought what's a couple of days off going to hurt?... Each time an excuse came up I brushed them off and just walked... do you know what? I don't regret one moment of the steps I took, not one... each one made me feel healthier and stronger. 

What is my next goal? With the cooler months approaching I am going to have to use every available good weather moment to exercise and I have started strength training... I am new to it, so it will take a little time to get comfortable, nothing new feels easy right away, eventually I will be a pro at that too... I have stopped looking for excuses to give up and I just started doing. I think one of the best slogans is the Nike one that said 'Just Do It'... there is nothing more simple and more true.

Am I trying to say it is easy? Not at all... I think we have to work hard to keep getting better, at least for me there is one excuse after another that I could come up with to validate why I can't stay on this path but none of them are true or good excuses. It is funny how I spent so much time talking myself out of doing when it was far less effort to just do it... What I gained more than anything from this was finding out how cathartic exercise really is, whenever something tough or emotional would come up, I would walk and it gave me time to think things through and clear my head. 

 

This was especially true with the last part of September being an anniversary that could have pulled me down if I let it, instead I walked the pain of that anniversary away... I was a little melancholy but I dealt with it in a really good way... I did not give into the sadness. There are more of these days on the way but that was one of the worst ones and if can get through that one, I can get through the other ones... at least the other ones are not nasty painful ones, just good memories that became sad... We all have those, finding out that life doesn't always turn out the way it should or the way we expected....

You know what I learned from the horrible challenge I had to deal with the last two years? I became incredibly grateful for all the trials that I made it through before that one... because each one of those trials was building me stronger to make it through the most difficult one. I knew there was a light even though I couldn't see it, I held onto that... that little bit of Faith and Hope... Trials are a little like exercise, it doesn't necessarily feel good while you are going through it but ultimately it makes you stronger...

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Letting Go Of One Dream To Find Another One

I have been holding back writing, I had a huge disappointment this week and I didn't want to come here and write from that place. Instead I walked another 50+ miles this week, over 100,000 steps and 11 hours of hard exercise. I know that I can't keep on this way, I need to figure out another way to deal with disappointment. So, 'the guy' called me this week to tell me he was taking job out West, just out of the blue. I honestly don't know what to think... I keep questioning why he would start a relationship if he had applied for a job so far away.

What I decided from all this was that I don't think I have what it takes emotionally to date. I don't understand games, I don't understand dishonesty... I just can't understand any of it. I don't know what this means long term for me but for now I won't let anyone into my life. It is much to hard to trust and find out they were not who they portrayed themselves to be. I really thought I had made myself clear with this guy, I thought we were both on the same page but he ended up being like every other man I have known. 

What did I learn from all this? I need to take a step back and just take care of myself, maybe just accept the fact that I may have to be single. I can't begin to tell you how much that sucks for me, we all want certain things and dreams for ourselves and unfortunately some of them never come to pass... Learning to deal with the disappointment might be the challenge I have to get through, accepting that my destiny doesn't include a long term love.

This has been a very emotional week for me, I have had a lot of time to think about what I really want. Things I don't want to hear is 'Maybe he wasn't the right guy but hold on the right guy will be there' or 'Don't give up, the right guy will be around the corner' or 'You deserve someone good' ... We all deserve to have the hopes and dreams we want, no one deserves it more than another person... Although I know I would be an amazing partner, I may never get that chance and I am going to have to learn to deal with that...

I am going to take the rest of this summer to continue to exercise and make some long term plans for my life. I have not been happy for a very long time, I need to find a way to have some joy in my life today. When I wrote last week that I had hope that I would have happiness in the future, many people reached out to me to say that happiness isn't in the future, it is something we should have now... others suggested that all I needed to do was choose it and that I could have it now...

I truly wish it was that easy, I think I have to figure out a way to get passed the disappointments I have had in my life and come to terms with the fact that I am not going to have the dream I have always wanted for my life. I think then I can move on and really find happiness and joy...

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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Making It Through To The Other Side

I remember thinking I would never get to this day... this time and actually say that I am happy. Even though this last year was both a high and a low... the high getting my life back, the low losing 'him'. I cannot nor will I ever understand why?... only 'he' would know and 'he' never said.

I was a basket case, I couldn't sleep, I still have issues, I cried all the time and I barely functioned. For nine long months I wondered if I'd ever feel joy again? Could I believe in love? In those first nine months I doubted that I could. Truthfully I wasn't sure I wanted to again.

Honestly after giving my whole heart and soul to 'him' only to be hurt more than I ever thought possible... I wasn't sure I ever wanted to love that way again. Why would I want to when 'he' did and said everything 'he' said he wouldn't? 'He' became all that he promised he never would... I remember asking 'him' one time, if someone else came into his life, how would that affect us? 'He' told me she would have to accept that we were friends...

What did I learn from all of this? Just because I'm open and honest does not mean everyone else is... people have their own agendas... No matter what some people say, they don't mean it when the time comes to prove the truth. No matter what we think or believe, not everyone is like us, not everyone is as open and honest. As much as I wanted to shut down, close out the world and try to forget the pain... It was there, the old me would have done everything possible to bury that pain deep, where no one could find it but the me of today won't let that happen anymore.

I heard the quote about how  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” and it resonated with me and what I went through. I know that some people don't think what happened was anything that could destroy a person but for me, having my trust broken is one of the worst things I have dealt with. I believe losing trust is one of the most difficult things to deal with because it makes you question everything you have ever trusted in... and everyone.

The quote made me think about how no matter what is thrown my way, I keep getting stronger even when I doubt that I can... I am tenacious, I never give up and I always make it through to the other side.

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I Like The View Of The Path I Am On

I have been having a rough road for the past 8 months, last week being one of the most rough ones, next to the first week or two right after... I had some times tougher than I have ever had.  I lost a great deal which was harder than I ever thought possible. The pain was greater than every other pain combined.

Then I started feeling a shift within myself the last few posts and how I could really feel so many people hoping, wishing, praying that I find happiness... joy... peace.  I realized with that many people wanting this for me, that I would be able to get through the dark tunnel I was in.  Lo and behold I have started coming out of it.

I know it took believing I could get through and honestly I didn't believe it for myself, not until the many, many heart felt comments that have either been emailed to me, placed on my blog, Twittered....  I could really feel that the good energy was out there, I am completely grateful for that ... I needed people to believe in me when I was having a hard time believing in myself.

It all changed on a dime and I can see that light now that alluded me for so long ... along the way though I lost touch with my very best friend. Also, I found out that although I had always been honest and open, that others I have known have not always been as open with me.  I know that I live my life with wild abandon and I have wonderful times... then it also flips to some of the hardest times... Although this last one was very long, almost unbearable, I feel like I might be able to say it was worth it for what I gained.

This last year I gained myself back, I had lost me.... not sure I had ever really known me.   Once I started to lose the weight, it also helped me to see things in a different light... I have written about this before but it needs to be said again, I learned to love myself where I was, I gained a confidence that I had never had before.  I know I still have some work to do with that but at least I am on the way.  If tonight is any indication to what is to come, I have to say I like the view of the path I am on... The light is starting to shine through ♥

(I won't be able to respond to everyone until Saturday, I have an activity planned tomorrow but I cannot wait to catch up with everyone...)

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I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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