Centered With A Purpose

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Lying here almost ready to sleep when I have an aha moment ... I was reading an older post entry and I realized how much growth I have made.  I used to wrap myself in emotions... now I exercise them.  I can totally understand how someone could have thought I was centered without any real purpose.  Back then I had nothing to focus on... just the blogging. For a long time there I poured out every dream, hope, desire I felt, without thinking of the future.

I feel like I have grown so much since then... this is a girl who doesn't have an excuse for eating poorly or not exercising... I just do it literally.  I used to blog everyday... not going to happen in the future... I want to write when I feel the mood.  Not because I feel like I have to, that way I will write more clearly and not so literal. Part of me thought about deleting some of those older posts ... but as I thought about it though, those experiences made me who I am today.  I'm the girl who took my life back with determination ..  I learned to love myself with this lifestyle change... I used to be so unhappy when I was big.  I thought I had limited options.

In less than 5 months, I have worked very hard to drop the 60 pounds I have lost just since June 15, 2013.  Even though my body is not perfect, I love it now.  It is shapely and curvy and so much smaller than it has been in years.   I have this to focus on... I'm not centered without purpose anymore and I don't feel like I have limited options.

In almost five months, I have not lost the focus of being healthy and strong... my knees are hurting less, my heart is thanking me big time, I gave up TV...  Also exercising is not an option, it is a necessity.  I don't want to take medication...  I want to be healthy.  I've come a long way... Still if I had reined myself in back then, I wouldn't be in this situation...  This is a huge lesson for me, we might think we are getting away with things at the time, eating poorly, not exercising, smoking... They all have consequences down the road... I am learning that and realizing how much harder I have to work now ....  At least I learned that lesson ... it seems like one I have had pop up a few times in my life and I finally listened.

I am hoping and praying that people can forgive me for being centered without any purpose for a long time, all I can say is that this has changed, I am busy and focused... I feel like I have endless options.  I would love to choose sleep though and I think I can get that with forgiveness which might allow me to sleep. The first person I want forgiveness from is me, I make mistakes, it's okay... I am not defined by them, I can grow from them and frankly I have.  I am finally centered with a purpose, for me to get in the best shape, body and mind... I am on the right path.

Sleep Sooner Then Later

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I can't keep up without sleeping, I am not even sure I am going to be coherent... for a little over a month, I might have had two nights where I actually got any real sleep.  Usually I have sporadic and broken sleep which makes makes me question how my day at work will go, I will either be so tired, I will be giddy or so tired I will be emotional.  Lately with less and less sleep I am somewhat more emotional, I need to find something that will help me get some sleep so that I will be able to function or at least focus on something other than the fact that I haven't slept.

I remember in my twenties and thirties I could sleep, no problem.  I think I really messed myself up in my late thirties and took on two jobs and worked for 55-60 hours per week for the next three years.  Finally everything came to a head there and I ended up only having to work one job... that was about the time I had Valentina, I had over a year off and I righted by body again by sleeping a lot.  Then I started working but that wasn't enough, I had to change jobs and I started working crazy hours again, upwards of 70 hours per week for a little over two years.

By the time Valentina was to start school I knew I could not keep up with that so I found my current job... which although it has it's drawback with the travel, at least I am not working 55-70 hours per week.  Lately the fact that I am not sleeping makes me think if I have to be awake this long, I should be accomplishing something, other than wasting time.  However; the massive lack of sleep is leaving me unfocused and not being able to actually complete a task simply.

I think I know the answer but frankly with the lack of sleep I am wondering how clearly I can actually think. I know today was tough for me, I was just so tired and everything that happened centered on what I was aiming not to think about.  I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks, which seems a long way off without sleep.  Sometimes my mind just gets racing and I can't settle it down enough to rest.  If I don't feel rested in the morning  then I am going to see if I can get a quick appointment at the end of the day with my doctor.

I just don't think I should go much longer without addressing it more seriously, I can tell it is affecting me more and more daily... I haven't broken down by eating more or not exercising, I am still fitting this in daily, I am dedicated as I have tenacity.  Right now that is the only thing that I have control over in my life, I don't want to give up on that and ever fall back to where I was... No matter how things are in my life at the moment, becoming healthy by eating right and exercising, has become one of the best decisions I ever made in my life and stuck with.

Each day I get up in the morning, I am grateful that whatever it was that got me started, I am grateful that it did because at the moment, this is the one positive thing in my life that makes me feel good.  I have to have something, writing has always been my other outlet and I love having this as an outlet.  I just never want to give up exercising as it helps to release some of the stress and a lot of the weight loss.  I do know that to keep this up, I am going to have to find a way to sleep and sooner then later.