The Choice To Numb It Or Feel It

I have to say I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days and there seemed like one thing after another that came up. Saturday I spent at a conference, it was very good and something that I am grateful I attended. It was about wellness in all forms... I think we all need to hear more about how to care for ourselves better. So then when I got home that night I needed to do laundry as I had been neglecting it due to the vast amount of exercise I have been doing. 

 

Then Sunday came around and I went to church, caught up on many of my blogs and then took a 5 mile walk with a friend. I was quite wiped out by the time I got back. You'd think I would have been able to sleep... but no... I am still waking up 3 to 5 times per night. It doesn't even seem to matter that I am eating great and exercising nearly every single day... Oh well, I am sure I will be able to sleep through a full night one of these days. 

Just a quick update with my exercise, I am still going strong, I walked over 40 miles last week, I do feel better for it, as well I was able to drop some of the weight I had gained in July. Although I do want to lose pounds, it is not the most important thing, getting healthy by exercising daily and eating consciously is my main focus... everything else can and will follow. What I really want to gain from keeping my lifestyle changes is being healthy emotionally. 

This past week has been a reflective one, I was thinking about what I wrote last week wondering if I really meant it...?  Then I remembered a quote about how we just need to fake it until we make it... I also realize that the longer I stay away from attempting to date, the harder it will be to go back. I can be a girl of excuses but I don't want to be her anymore... that girl with all the excuses was in a difficult place, one I never thought I would rise from.

Yet I did rise, and even though I am not completely hopeful that love will ever come my way, I know that if I don't put myself out there, it more than likely won't happen. Also a good friend reminded me that all I have to do is look back and see how far I have come... Difficult challenges are going to come, I know there are people that have dealt with trials I have no idea how they made it through, each day I am inspired with how they have overcome something and grown beyond what they thought they could ever have dealt with.

 

Remember that saying that Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can handle...? I was reminded that wasn't true, he actually gives us a little more so that we stretch and grow. The real question is if we want to grow...?  If we don't want to, we have the choice to give into the pain... however; I am here to say that numbing the pain only lasts so long, eventually we all have to deal with it... I know from personal experience that most times dealing with the pain, isn't nearly as bad as numbing it...

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One Year Later I Can See The Light...

One year ago today, I woke up like any other day and I headed off to work, little did I know that it would end up being a defining day of my life. Some of those so called defining moments are the worst ones to bear, even when everyone tells me it will all work out for the best.  You all might be right, I still don't see it that way yet but I also don't see it the way I did that day.

That day I had to leave work early because my emotions were all over the place, when a client called in, I ended up bursting into tears... I quickly messaged someone that I had to leave, I looked for my quickest exit and I barely made it to the door before I was sobbing beyond control.  I walked a fair distance to catch the bus so that I could get my emotions under check. Still I sobbed on the bus, then at home... that was the night I stopped sleeping for nine long months.

The roller coaster of that day never really got better, it actually was worse... I just learned to deal with the ups and downs... mostly downs. I keep looking for the good in all of this, I have yet to find it... I know that doesn't sound positive and uplifting... But I have never been one to pretend everything is okay, when it's not...

However; saying all this, I have moved on from that day, I finally started to sleep about three months ago, which was a blessing... I have NO idea how I functioned on so little sleep?  I never want to do that again. Also, I don't cry most of the day anymore, which is so much better. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel but I held on when I couldn't see it because I KNEW it was there.

I think we all have defining moments in our lives that could totally tear our foundation apart and that day was one of those days for me... Somehow, I held it together and I came through. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be emotionally, I never thought I would have come as far as I did.  Yes, I still have a way to go but at least I am on the right path now... for nine months I wasn't anywhere, I was in limbo... and that is not a place to live.

If I could change that day, would I?  I would if I could but of course I can't... instead I have to keep living with the fallout ... just keep moving forward. Even when I don't see the whole picture yet, the light is enough to keep me there until I can see the full picture.

I hope when I look back on that day in a year or two, I will see that everything happened the way it should have... for now I will continue to hold on to the light I can see because for nine months I couldn't even see that...

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I Understand Why

This week seemed to be a turning point for me ... I started off great with the IF program I wrote about last week, I had a few small bumps when I had to deal with some upsetting news. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me, I was left trying to get air in... the air of course came and so did the tears. Within a day I had said a heartfelt prayer and others joined in with me. By mid week the crises was over.

I decided that nothing mattered, not the past, not things... only people matter. I realized while dealing with this that all I wanted was for everything to be okay ... even if it meant that I might never regain things I had lost. Although that thought is sad, anytime you lose someone important, it's not easy to deal with... But... if it means they are happy, isn't that all that matters? I decided that was all that mattered to me.

I've been sleeping a bit better, actually dreaming even. Although some dreams are sad, it feels good to dream again. Some of them are good, some quite hopeful.. after this week of turmoil, I understood why some things worked out the way they did, if they had not, other things would not have been able happen ... and they needed to happen.

I couldn't see the big picture for a long time, when I did catch a glimpse of it this week... I was in awe of what was possible. I knew precisely at that moment that I had to go through the nine months of deep sadness that I went through so that I could be ready for what awaits me in the future.

It has changed my outlook on so many things, I'm not sure I can even put words to what I came to understand. This has been a refining and a defining week for me, I could have totally fallen apart but I didn't... and because I didn't I gained some insight I really needed to learn.  I understand a little better why....

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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Balancing One Challenge After The Other

I have been wanting to write but of course life is keeping me busy. I have had a lot of changes going on this past week. I had to change sitters suddenly but this was Valentina's choice and request so I couldn't deny her. She really liked her other sitter but she has a brother Valentina's age and he just wouldn't stop picking in her. I think children have enough to deal with in their lives, they don't need to feel trapped like that.

My new sitter comes to the house, so Valentina doesn't have to get out of bed until 7 am, which gives her more rest.  I have noticed a change in her already, she seems happier and not so snappy, I am happy for her. She is very relaxed and smiles a lot more, The other great thing is that I will get to see her as soon as I get home, sometimes I didn't see her for an hour or more later with her other sitter.

Even with good change, it is still an adjustment... nothing is smooth sailing and I am sure things will come up with this arrangement but we will work through them. Soon enough she will be on her own and this whole phase in life will be gone, I will miss it a bit because it will mean she is maturing and wanting to make more of her own life choices. I thought Andrea grew up fast but Valentina's years are whizzing by at the speed of light. I decided to slow it down a bit, have more time where we aren't rushing and snapping, life is relaxing a bit... just what I need before I start my courses.

I have not been great about getting myself into bed at a good hour ... I guess it is because I know I won't actually sleep. So part of me thinks it is better to be productive, than to lay there and just think. Trust me, I have tried just laying there, one night it lasted for three hours. However; with everything all said and done, I still need to rest my body more, especially with the two courses coming up next month.

I have decided to take the next four months as a challenge, I exceed all my expectations when I take on a challenge.  I am going to have to be organized and prepared... I only expect success from myself. Blogging might become a weekend activity for me so that I can be focused, I am going to take it one day a time, see how I feel and go from there.

I know I can't stay away from blogging for any length of time, I truly love going through my feed and seeing so many favorites posts.  I am just going to have to be choosy through out the week and then give myself some weekend time to catch up with all of you. It is all going to take balance, we all crave that balance... it helps us to feel aligned.

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Taking A Break To Get Balance

I have been thinking about this for a while, Thursday brought it front and center and I realized I have to change something in my life so that I can began to sleep a little more than the few broken hours that I get every night and that I have had for the past 7 months.

Since it is working hard on becoming Spring here, today was gorgeous... it gave me great hope that more days are on the way.  One of the things I want to do is work out more, I have been walking a great deal since my last post. I have walked over 12 miles, it has felt wonderful to get back out at it, I have lost a little speed but I am sure I will get it back soon.

I think exercising will help me relax and I want to spend more time getting organized as I am actively looking for a new place and I have people looking as well. I need to be prepared to move and not have excess baggage to weigh me down.  The older I get the more minimalistic I become.  I seriously want to get rid a good 50 percent of my stuff because I don't use it, it just takes up space and causes clutter.

I also want to spend a lot of quality time with Valentina, we have been cooking together, playing a board game here and there, watching a TV show together... It has been good but we need more of those days.  So I have already been around to many blogs where I left comments and emailed others to let you know that I have decided to take a blog break and a social media break starting Monday morning and I am not sure how long I will be gone.

I am going to miss you, I know I have missed messaging a few, I follow a lot of blogs and so many of you inspire me or leave me lovely comments on my blog.  Some of you I have come to know through other forms of social media and I have really loved connecting which I will be back to ... just as soon as I figure out how to get some sleep.

I am sure I will not know what to do with myself for a while, I usually wake up... have a shower and then read and comment on blogs... then more on the way to work, at lunch, on the way home... So I have decided to walk as much as I can and spend as much time as I can with Valentina.

I will still be answering emails so if anyone wants to say hi and let me know how you are doing you can email me here .  I have a little work to do and it involves spending a little time just meditating and not filling time up so that I don't have to think or deal.  Which only spills over into my life where I am unable to sleep... Let me tell you that I have gone without sleep many times in my life, having a baby is one of those times but a bit different as I napped whenever I could and I did get 4 hours strung together.

I rarely sleep for more than 2 hours at a time and sometimes 3 hours... That is not enough to really focus on work and being a parent, both of these need my full attention and when I don't sleep they are affected.  I hope when I come back it will be where I have a little more balance in my life ... with sleep being one of them.

I look forward to catching up with you when I get back, until then I will miss you... 

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I Want The Magic

I've been trying to write for awhile, my internet keeps going off... apparently it will now be out until 8... a couple of hours.  Valentina and I took the opportunity to make smoothies and play a board game. It was fun going back to basics, I even ignored the phone as it had to be recharged in my room.  Valya decided to take a bath, so I took the opportunity to write my post in an email.  Then I can take an hour and catch up on all your blogs .

I was finally able to find a couple of stores that sold some cute and unique shirts.  I even found two dresses and two skirts.  I had a little fun going out and trying things on until I got over heated.  The good thing about getting new clothes was one I have clothes that fit me and two it gave me a reason to clean out my closet... Then we cleaned out Valentina's too... both of them look so good, we now see what we have.

I still haven't sleep, I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever sleep a full night again?  I want to believe that somehow it will resolve itself... I know of only one way that I can see and unfortunately it's not an option. Instead I just keep getting by with broken sleep, how long can I function like that? I never thought I could could last six months but I'm here passing the six month mark.

Why do some trials we have to deal with seem so unfair...?  I have friends I know dealing with challenges that make me wonder how they get up each day.  Then I realized that I too could curl up and stay in bed day after day but I don't allow myself to wallow there... Some days are tougher than others, a good day is when I don't cry on the way to work.. or when someone makes me laugh... or when I feel that one day all of this will make sense.

I want to rise above this latest challenge... not just survive it but really grow from it.  Otherwise I will continually play this scenario out, over and over.  Truthfully I'm tired of the same results... I deserve better and I know I expect better.  It is scary to trust again, especially when the person I trusted more than anyone changed in ways I didn't think was possible.  I have asked myself why I would want to ever take that chance again?  Then I heard this somewhere, we continue to want to fall in love, because it is the closest thing to magic... I want the magic. . .

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Can Time Heal All Pain? Or Do We Just Bury The Pain?

I didn't even know what I wanted to write tonight, I just felt the need... it has been few days and I have been really busy. Unfortunately it hasn't been with a lot of exercise.  I still try to get in as many short walks as I can but the weather has not been conducive to me walking.  We have had a lot of rain, snow and ice, thankfully it has not been as cold as it is in other parts of the country. The contest has started and I did really well the first week, I will update every two weeks, sometime this weekend.

I have been pondering that thought about if time really heals all pain?  Or do we just bury it?  Maybe it is just me... I still haven't really slept and I am not handling that well.  It is exhausting to keep going everyday since I never sleep for more than two hours at a time and maybe 5 hours for the whole night.  It makes for a lot of time for me to think.

I saw a TV show about a guy who hadn't slept for 3 months as he was dealing with grief and he said he didn't let himself sleep because he didn't want to dream.  It struck a chord with me... I don't think I allow myself to sleep because my dreams would be something that I had to wake up from everyday and realize it was only a dream.  I am not sure what is worse, having to wake up from my dreams or not sleeping for long periods of time.

I rationally know that I have to sleep, it is a necessity of life.  Sure we are able to function on little sleep but I don't want to just function, I want to live life fully.  This weekend I am going to clean my room and make it media free, even my phone. I am going to make it a calm and peaceful room, I want to make it as relaxing as possible.  Realistically I know that dreaming although hard to deal with the reality each day I wake up, has to be easier than little broken sleep.

Maybe if I could get some quality sleep I would be able to get back to exercising as much as I did this summer.  I love that feeling of pushing myself and getting faster... beating my times and also the feeling of how strong I am to go from sitting and eating unhealthy to exercising daily and eating healthy.  I am so glad that my friend ticked me of that day in May... It made me finally decide to do something about the weight and how unhealthy I was.

Plus I remember thinking that I did not want to be in the same place I was in a year... well, I won't be and that feels good that I made a promise to myself and I am seeing it through.  It is one of the single most important things I have ever done for myself, making myself a priority really changed my life in a good way.  I just have to make myself a top priority again and stop with any excuses.  I am sure it will be difficult to get back into a routine but it will never be one again, unless I start that first day and just keep doing it like I did last summer.

I'm hoping my dreams will be more sweet than painful... I know I have to figure out a way to find that out, I need to convince myself that dreaming is okay.. even if my dreams never fully meet my reality. Eventually I might be able to dream other dreams and make them a reality.  It all starts with some sleep....

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Is Silence Golden?

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

I have been wanting to write all weekend but my mind wouldn't settle long enough to get the thoughts out... I would start a blog post and half way through I would be writing about a completely different thought.  So I scrapped those two and decided it would be best to just get to bed early, I ended up waking up at 3:30 am and basically I have been up ever since.  Which has left me a great deal of time to just think about things, some things are hard to let myself think about so I tend to do whatever I can not to ...

I did let myself think about it this morning and I came to a realization that I am lost right now, I don't seem to have a direction, I am going in so many ways that I now understand why I can't sleep.  I am not settled with anything right now, everything is up in the air.  I have to move by no later than June, it has not been easy to find a place where I want at the price I want.... I have to figure out something soon though, I can't and don't want to stay here after June.  My work is even chaotic right now, a lot of changes happening that means I have to make drastic changes to stay with them... more training, more knowledge.  Which I sometimes feel I am out of the loop there at times.

Since I am not sure where I will be living, I may have to think out of area which would be changing Valentina's school, I think that would be really hard on her, she will be eleven this spring. That is weighing on my mind, I want to do the best for Valentina and I think keeping her with her friends is the best option, if at all possible. Also with work, it could mean changing positions which could be different hours, like I said, lots of changes for me in the near future.

Plus I have unresolved issues that I am still trying to work out, those tend to be harder than the other issues combined.  I mean, I know I will find a place and move by June, I know I will figure things out at work and move up.  I don't know the answers to my unresolved issues, there isn't an answer that I can come up with, I have tried to work it out to no avail. I wonder if sometimes there is no answer?  That frustrates me, I am the kind of girl who wants answers, explanations, discussions, I don't do well with silence.

I am still losing weight but slower which is fine, I need to get more committed to the gym again, which means less time for writing.  It's a good healthy trade off to be able to get to my goal, I am really excited about that.  It has been a long time since I have been excited about anything, I would like to take this excitement into other parts of my life.  I went out on a date, really nice guy, friendly, respectful but there was nothing there for me.  At least I am trying, I am sure I will meet someone else soon, I am just taking my time and waiting for the right one.

First Sleep, Then Dream

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

So, I finally have a pill that let me get some sleep last night, however; I will not be able to take a full one on work nights.  I woke up twice through the night but I was so tired both times that I fell right back to sleep.  I slept until nine am and I was in bed by ten pm, so it was a fairly decent sleep... unfortunately it left me feeling sleepy past lunch and I was not able to accomplish what I had hoped, oh well, at least I got some much needed sleep.  I can talk a lot at the best of times but look out when I haven't had sleep, I could talk your ear off then but I lose my train of thought easily too.

I am going to bed early tonight and take a whole one, it will be great to have two nights in a row... normally I am lucky to get one decent night per week.  Hence why I have been trying lots of ways to sleep.  I miss how I used to crawl into bed, have a few thoughts and then fall asleep for the whole night.... Those days are truly missed by me, that was before I felt like I have too many balls in the air and juggling them feels like they are becoming near impossible.  Being a single mama is tough, I feel like I let my child down because I am gone early in the morning, I get home late at night, I don't sleep so I am overly tired.

The whole thing is beyond hard, I know two parent families that have a rough time, doing it all by myself, every single day is overwhelming.  I am hoping that I will be able to continue to get some much needed sleep for a while, which will help me to feel more rested and then I will be more available.  That and if I could just resolve a few issues in my life, I am sure that would free up a couple of the balls I have in the air... I know this would help me to able to breathe a little easier.

Also, I lost my bus pass, so I had to dig down and buy bus tickets to get back and forth to work for the rest of the month. That means no Game Center, I will be walking outside for the rest of the month to have my exercise.  I am sure I will raise my speed by walking outside in this cold, I will want to get home quickly... I think I will take to walking to the bridge in the morning again, that was a great 40-45 minute walk for me and got my heart rate up.

I have to be creative when I have no extra money to get to the gym, especially before Christmas. Luckily for me, I only have a couple of people I buy for, Valentina and Jackson. As well, Valentina is pretty grateful for whatever she gets, she is easy to please and not to highly demanding. For this I am thankful, it is still going to be hard ... I will figure out some way though.  I think we should get our tree up the first week in December, so we can enjoy it for the whole month. 

Christmas and New Years are very difficult for me, it is a reminder of dreams.  I am just going to have to immerse myself in it this year, maybe I will be too busy to remember.  I hope one day I will be too busy to remember, I don't want the holidays to be hard forever, I want to be able to enjoy them again.  I am sure I will figure out a way to turn this around, I always do... somehow.

Sleep Sooner Then Later

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I can't keep up without sleeping, I am not even sure I am going to be coherent... for a little over a month, I might have had two nights where I actually got any real sleep.  Usually I have sporadic and broken sleep which makes makes me question how my day at work will go, I will either be so tired, I will be giddy or so tired I will be emotional.  Lately with less and less sleep I am somewhat more emotional, I need to find something that will help me get some sleep so that I will be able to function or at least focus on something other than the fact that I haven't slept.

I remember in my twenties and thirties I could sleep, no problem.  I think I really messed myself up in my late thirties and took on two jobs and worked for 55-60 hours per week for the next three years.  Finally everything came to a head there and I ended up only having to work one job... that was about the time I had Valentina, I had over a year off and I righted by body again by sleeping a lot.  Then I started working but that wasn't enough, I had to change jobs and I started working crazy hours again, upwards of 70 hours per week for a little over two years.

By the time Valentina was to start school I knew I could not keep up with that so I found my current job... which although it has it's drawback with the travel, at least I am not working 55-70 hours per week.  Lately the fact that I am not sleeping makes me think if I have to be awake this long, I should be accomplishing something, other than wasting time.  However; the massive lack of sleep is leaving me unfocused and not being able to actually complete a task simply.

I think I know the answer but frankly with the lack of sleep I am wondering how clearly I can actually think. I know today was tough for me, I was just so tired and everything that happened centered on what I was aiming not to think about.  I have an appointment with my doctor in two weeks, which seems a long way off without sleep.  Sometimes my mind just gets racing and I can't settle it down enough to rest.  If I don't feel rested in the morning  then I am going to see if I can get a quick appointment at the end of the day with my doctor.

I just don't think I should go much longer without addressing it more seriously, I can tell it is affecting me more and more daily... I haven't broken down by eating more or not exercising, I am still fitting this in daily, I am dedicated as I have tenacity.  Right now that is the only thing that I have control over in my life, I don't want to give up on that and ever fall back to where I was... No matter how things are in my life at the moment, becoming healthy by eating right and exercising, has become one of the best decisions I ever made in my life and stuck with.

Each day I get up in the morning, I am grateful that whatever it was that got me started, I am grateful that it did because at the moment, this is the one positive thing in my life that makes me feel good.  I have to have something, writing has always been my other outlet and I love having this as an outlet.  I just never want to give up exercising as it helps to release some of the stress and a lot of the weight loss.  I do know that to keep this up, I am going to have to find a way to sleep and sooner then later.

Facing What Is Real

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Some things have changed drastically in my life in the past week, hence why I took a break from blogging and social media.  All the changes were causing me to lose more sleep than I normally do and frankly I can barely function on the little bit of sleep I am usually able to get.  Add into that one more overly stressful issue and I was lucky to be getting a couple of hours of broken sleep each night, even with the sleeping pills my doctor had given me. Wednesday night I was near my breaking point, I had only slept two hours the night before and not all together, I then went to work because I am a single mama and I cannot afford to take off unpaid time, no matter what.  I also had set up some times to visit some ladies from our church earlier in the week for that night.

I know I could have cancelled and I had thought about it as my nerves were raw and the smallest thing could send me over the edge.  I went for the visits though and I ended up being grateful that I did, it changed my perspective on an issue that I felt so totally out of control with... I was told about a talk that was given at one of our church functions; many times I have been told about talks and thought... hmmm, I should read that, this one really peaked my curiosity.  I came away from the visits exhausted but uplifted and when I got home, I took a sleeping pill and drifted off to sleep, now I didn't sleep through the whole night but I definitely got more rest then the previous nights.  On the way to work, I searched for the talk on my phone and read it, it resonated with me in a way it may not have for other people.

That is the thing about talks, each of us gets different information and ideas as they pertain to our situations. What I learned from this talk is that this earthly life is a blip, it is just here for the now, the eternity is what is important and everything works itself out in the eternities... What I mean by that is that just because something does not work out the way we want it to here, does not mean that it won't be different there.  So I wrote on my Facebook wall, 'Yours for now, mine for an eternity' ... some people questioned me about what this meant.  For me, it means I need to stop worrying about now and everything will take care of itself. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I also need to write another thing, in this day of information and technology, unless you are just talking to someone, everything is documented somewhere.  I know that and this is why I am very careful about what I say and who I say it to.  I only speak my heart to people that I truly trust ... as well if anyone says anything to me, they can know that it will never go anywhere... I can be trusted fully.  Unfortunately I have trusted the wrong people in the past but I have lived and learned through that, that is why I now have a very small circle of trusted friends.

I see my doctor in November again and I am going to talk to her about seeing someone I can talk to ... On the council of a very good and trusted friend, I am going to find someone I can talk to about all of the changes that I have had to deal with in the past couple of years.  This good friend is right, it is always good to speak to someone who is not emotionally involved in your situation, it could give a new light on some trials and issues I have had to deal with... I am really grateful that there is not the stigma that there used to be about getting counselling like there was many years ago.  Only good can come from this, if anything it will give me a safe place to say all that I feel.

My blog is kind of that place, only it is opened to whoever wants to read it... which is fine, I will always write here openly and honestly as that is who I am.  I think I need to reiterate something here, just to make myself totally clear.  I am losing weight and I am continuing on my path to lose weight and get healthy for me and for me alone.  I am NOT doing this for anyone, as I have stated to some people, if I was doing this for someone or something, I would not be able to sustain it.... I am doing this for me.

Also, my blog is about how I feel inside, that is why it goes up and down, I write down whatever I am feeling at any given time... I write from the heart and maybe I shouldn't always write what is in my heart all the time. Unfortunately that is me, I write what I feel, I also say what I feel too... I know that it can be hard for people, especially the people that are close to me.  I will make a concerted effort to not write about those people so much in the future but I will always write about myself.  This is where I have my voice, Andrey and other people tried to take that away from me in the past...

As with life, friendships go in up and down phases too... I believe if you are really friends, that time will work out any issues that might come between you.  Just as life issues get worked out in time... I make mistakes, we all make mistakes but I believe in forgiving and I believe that I can be forgiven too.  Sometimes when we are hurting on the inside, it blinds us to what is real.  We don't always want to see the real because it can hurt a lot but I am looking at the real, I am facing it, if I didn't I couldn't be successful in my life style changes.

Deal With It I Will

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I just have to write a quick follow up... it is late and I haven't slept, really slept for days... still just getting an hour here and there... I just wanted to let everyone know I was feeling a little bit better.  Not awesome but definitely better.  I saw my doctor and she has given me sleeping pills which I will take a half of one later this week... I took a full one almost 4 years ago and I slept until past noon that time, so I am a little leery of taking any.  I will test it out over the weekend to make sure I can wake up in time.

Next I broke the 15 minute mile tonight, I can give a great deal of thanks to a friend who ticked me off and I went out there and walked so fast to blow some steam off. I felt like I was speeding... I have a new goal, I want to get under a 14.30 mile.  Maybe that friend can really tick me off, lol.  I am still not going to talk about what devastated me the other day, it is still there, I still have to deal with it, the reason it was so difficult for me was because I was side swiped with it... maybe if I had known anything and not just have it thrown at me the way it was I would have handled it a whole lot better... Anyhow, that is neither here nor there, regardless, I have to deal with it and deal with it I will.

I can't promise I won't be sad in the future, I can't promise I won't cry but I will get through this... not sure how, like walking that track at the gym, I am going to have to dig deep, deeper than I have ever gone before. It is not going to be easy but I have no choice.  Well, I have a choice but the second option is so much worse than even the incident... so I will get through somehow.  Ultimately people are important, incidents are just that, incidents and I can forgive...

Finally I just wanted to write a funny story, I have told you all about how competitive I am ... well, let me tell you about a funny story.  About two weeks ago I was walking and at a pretty good clip when I caught someone out of the corner of my eye, looking like they were trying to pass me.  I don't like to be passed, so I just sped up and I kept seeing someone out of the corner of my eye speeding up with me. I was getting a bit frustrated as I was not sure I could keep that speed up for much longer.  Finally I glanced to the side, there was no one there... get this... it was my shadow... lol

I told you I was competitive... but whoa... racing my shadow... too much.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥