A Better Choice For Me

I had a very good week of exercise, I walked 6 of the last 7 days and a few of those days were nice long walks. Joining up with the two challenges I did really helped to motivate me, I don't need a contest where I can win something, just having others that are in the same situation who encourage and inspire each other, getting healthy is winning anyway. It isn't about who can get the most steps, it is about each of us individually doing our best. We have a goal of about 12,000 steps per day but if we don't reach it, we praise each other for what we have done and inspire each other to do better the next day.

It feels good to be motivated again, it was a long road for me to work myself back to the path I was on... I am no where near where I was and I am aware it will take me a long time to get back there. For the time being, I am not even looking at speed as much as I am looking at distance. I have slowed down but started walking longer distances... I think it is the best way for me to build up my stamina again... going too quickly could one, injure me and two, tire me out quickly where I won't feel like exercising daily.  There is plenty of time in the future to get my speed back up to where it was and beyond.

I have put it out in the universe that I am looking for a three bedroom apartment, it has become imperative for me to work from home, I have a few people looking out for places and I even discussed it with my boss... he said he would help push it through for me to work from home since I have all the stats and I'm able to work on my own.  I understand it will be a whole new lifestyle but for me, it would be so worth it... first I could sleep in an extra hour in the morning, second I would not have that nearly three hour trip of travel time daily and third most importantly I would be there for Valentina when she left in the morning and when she came home.

Many of my colleagues have told me that they couldn't do it as they are way too social... ahh... there are not too many people more social than I am... I don't actually go to work to hang out with people, I go to work to do my job... I can still attend outside work functions when they come up. I would actually be more likely to go to them as I would have the time and the desire. I need the third room for an office, I would love opening the door up, doing my job and then closing it at the end of the day and being home. It would give me time to prepare dinner on my lunch and I could go for a walk after work and still be home at a decent hour. It is a total win/win for me...

This has become incredibly important to me as I feel it is much more essential for me to be engaged in my life, then traveling endlessly back and forth. Life is insanely short, I am irritated by wasting it by constantly running and waiting for buses... sitting in endless busy traffic. I read a few blog posts this week about finding out what our purpose is and I honestly don't believe it entails my sitting on a bus day after day until I retire... I get more disillusioned over time, thinking this is not what my life was supposed to be like...

When I pondered that, I realized I am the only one who is in control of changing that, I can sit her and complain about the wasted hours of my life or I can do everything possible to bring about a different path... I have to decide what I want and I have determined it is very important to put myself first and make my life a little bit easier so that I can have a lot more fun and so that I can be there for Valentina for those tough teenage years... This is a choice I'm making it's better for her and for me... 

 
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Centered With A Purpose

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Lying here almost ready to sleep when I have an aha moment ... I was reading an older post entry and I realized how much growth I have made.  I used to wrap myself in emotions... now I exercise them.  I can totally understand how someone could have thought I was centered without any real purpose.  Back then I had nothing to focus on... just the blogging. For a long time there I poured out every dream, hope, desire I felt, without thinking of the future.

I feel like I have grown so much since then... this is a girl who doesn't have an excuse for eating poorly or not exercising... I just do it literally.  I used to blog everyday... not going to happen in the future... I want to write when I feel the mood.  Not because I feel like I have to, that way I will write more clearly and not so literal. Part of me thought about deleting some of those older posts ... but as I thought about it though, those experiences made me who I am today.  I'm the girl who took my life back with determination ..  I learned to love myself with this lifestyle change... I used to be so unhappy when I was big.  I thought I had limited options.

In less than 5 months, I have worked very hard to drop the 60 pounds I have lost just since June 15, 2013.  Even though my body is not perfect, I love it now.  It is shapely and curvy and so much smaller than it has been in years.   I have this to focus on... I'm not centered without purpose anymore and I don't feel like I have limited options.

In almost five months, I have not lost the focus of being healthy and strong... my knees are hurting less, my heart is thanking me big time, I gave up TV...  Also exercising is not an option, it is a necessity.  I don't want to take medication...  I want to be healthy.  I've come a long way... Still if I had reined myself in back then, I wouldn't be in this situation...  This is a huge lesson for me, we might think we are getting away with things at the time, eating poorly, not exercising, smoking... They all have consequences down the road... I am learning that and realizing how much harder I have to work now ....  At least I learned that lesson ... it seems like one I have had pop up a few times in my life and I finally listened.

I am hoping and praying that people can forgive me for being centered without any purpose for a long time, all I can say is that this has changed, I am busy and focused... I feel like I have endless options.  I would love to choose sleep though and I think I can get that with forgiveness which might allow me to sleep. The first person I want forgiveness from is me, I make mistakes, it's okay... I am not defined by them, I can grow from them and frankly I have.  I am finally centered with a purpose, for me to get in the best shape, body and mind... I am on the right path.

Progessing Outside My Comfort Zone

I think I have way too much on my plate right now, I just keep adding to it... not a good thing to do when I went from having basically 24 hours per day free time to now having very little free time.  Since I have been back to work, I have watched maybe an hour of TV (not a bad thing).   However; I rarely have downtime for myself which means that I don't relax enough and in turn I don't sleep enough.

So, I read my fifth chapter of The Purpose Driven Life and I came away from it in tears again, once again, not a bad thing but I have decided not to blog about it daily... because I want to have some happy uplifting posts in between and although the book is a massive eye opener, it also has me highly emotional about what I have been learning.  I am still going to read and study the book but I am going to write about other things, except when I feel compelled to write about what I have learned.

I have really been enjoying being back at work, I am sure I will be tested with a nasty client soon but hey, that is a part of life.  I am totally enjoying being back and dealing my all my co-workers... I really missed them, they are my work family and they always make me feel pretty special.  I don't have issues of people backstabbing me at work, we all try to help each other out whenever we can.  We all have things we are good at, I am really amazing at helping clients with their issues for ROE's (record of employments).  The good thing is that whatever someone else is good at, they are willing to share with each of their co-workers too.

We have a great mixture of people on our teams now and I was really grateful to find the teams didn't change while I was gone, last year we had so much change all at once that it was a lot to deal with for me.  However; that change ended up being good in the long run since I ended up meeting so many new and wonderful people that were hired.  It just didn't seem like that at the time.... here's the whole thing, I know that soon it will be time for me to move on to another department in my company as I am one of the last one's on my team that has not changed positions.  Mainly because I am really comfortable and happy in my position.  I mean it's perfect for me, I love to talk and I get to talk for a living...  who could ask for more than that.

I do know that I won't grow any of my potential if I don't advance somewhere along the line, which my team leader has been getting me to think about for the last six months. I kept holding off because I don't like to feel uncomfortable in my job but if I don't go outside my comfort zone I will never progress... which is not what I really want for myself and not what the company wants for me.  This company is all about leaning and growing, they work with us to find the next move for our careers.  They are all about helping each of us grow to our potential in anyway hey can, I have never worked for a company like that...  the only person holding me back is me, it is not my company.

About a month ago I was talking to my David, he has been an acting Major in the army for the last year or so and he told me that they wanted him to consider working on becoming a Major... I was happy for him and said congratulations... he told me, he wasn't ready.  Now if you really knew my David and anyone who reads my blog knows a lot about him as I blog about him often.  He LOVES his career in the army, he takes his responsibilities seriously and give his job 100%, I love how dedicated he is.... yet he doesn't believe he is capable of that position... I told him if the army thought he was ready then he was and I really believe in him as well.

That was when I realized that I do the same thing about my job and I knew that it was time to believe in myself as much as my team leaders and bosses believe in me.  Although I know it will be difficult for me to leave my teammates and move on in my career... that is what I need to do to grow.... my David helped me see that and he didn't even know it... it was because I see his potential and I saw a little of me in him with the fear that he didn't think he was ready.... that is how I have been in the past.

I know that in the future my David will become the Major he is meant to be, it's just a matter of time until he believes what I know... and before too long, I will be in a learning mode again, feeling uncomfortable and growing because of it all.  The more uncomfortable I am, the more I will know I am meant to be there... if life was meant to be easy, we would never progress from grade to grade and then progress in our careers or anywhere in our lives. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

There Is More To Life Than Just Here And Now

I read chapter four of 'The Purpose Driven Life' which is entitled Made To Last Forever... the point to ponder at the end of the short chapter was a simple concept... "There is more to life than just here and now."  Which I truly believe, otherwise what is the point of us being here? As Rick Warren states in the book, if there was nothing more then here and now, we would just live it up and not care about what we do or say, there would be no repercussions.  Although we don't all have the same beliefs, I think we all hope that there is more to life than just this.

I can remember a time when I was seven or eight years old and my sisters and I were driving in the car with our dad and our ex step mother Ruth.  We were having a deep conversation about how the world and we came to be...  Pretty deep for three little girls under the age of seven or eight... it was after this conversation that I decided that there was more than I would ever understand on this Earth about how we all came to reside here.  Because as I thought about the Earth and the universe around us, I started thinking what is outside of the universe?  What was outside of that? ...It suddenly dawned on me that we are not meant to know all the answers here but I knew at the age of seven or eight that there was a deeper meaning.

 Unfortunately knowing this does not always make it easy, especially when I am handling tragedies, sadness or disappointments... Our Earthly life takes over, things that don't really matter seem to take front and center in our lives, events that don't really matter in the long run.  Since we are human beings we forget the goal of living for an eternity and let our minds concentrate on events that are mundane and not important. 

This chapter resonated with me as I have been agitated and on edge lately, when I think about why... I start pondering if the reason is something I really need to concern myself with?  I have been on this quest to know why?  I want answers, I want to understand...  What if I had the answers, would that change anything?  Or do I just need to know that sometimes the answers don't come in this life, they will be clear in the eternities and there we will understand.

By the way, in no way do I think that is easy to do... if I did, wow... my life would be simple.  However; life is not simple, we are spiritual beings having a human experience and since we are human, we tend to forget that the life we are living is not all that there is... There is more to life than just here and now....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

What I Search For I Will Find

Today was a bit of a write off, after not sleeping most of the week... I slept in a bit this morning.  Mind you, I didn't really sleep well last night... I had a dream that felt so real, I was running away in the dream and part of me knew it wasn't real and even though I was in a nice deep sleep, I somehow forced myself to wake up.  I was semi relieved to find out that it was just a dream after all... It wasn't a scary dream, it was a confrontational one, I guess I dreamt this because I have been tying to figure out how to confront an issue in my life.  Usually I am not afraid, I say what I am feeling... hopefully without hurting anyone (that is never something I want to do) but this one means so much more.

After waking up from my dream, I felt it was time to take a bubble bath so that I could just relax, it felt amazing.  I read all the new blogs I follow, I have some very talented blogging friends...  that took me nearly an hour and half to get up-to-date.  I then took my Valentina to buy her a new scooter, she has always loved them, this is her fourth one that she has had.  She was outside for well over an hour scootering... I call her my scooter girl, I love watching her ride it with her long hair flowing behind her.  If it is nice tomorrow, I plan to take some pictures of her on it. 

Tomorrow will be a bit of a me day, I plan to cook a nice meal for Valentina but most of the day I am going to blog. I have some catch up posts I want to write, I need some time where I am not running to do this errand or that errand. I have had a few a ha moments from The Purpose Driven Life, I want to be fresh so that I can write my thoughts clearly.

I have also been wanting to update My Jar Of Happy Memories, for a little while.  I have a few items from this year... one of the main items is that I am very happy that I was able to have the surgery to fix my leg, I am happy that I didn't have major complications, I am happy to be back at work (all my co-workers made me feel so loved.  I plan to fill that jar with as many happy memories from this year... I am working hard on finding the joy in my life, it is paying off.  The more I look for the joy, the more it shows up in my life... the same goes for whatever you search for you will find.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Am Not An Accident

We walk away from our dreams afraid that we may fail or worse yet afraid we may succeed.

The second chapter of 'The Purpose Driven Life' by Rick Warren was easy for me to agree with as I already believe that I am not an accident and neither is anyone else.  I have always believed that you have the children you are destined to have, with the people you have them with.  I never believed a child to be illegitimate because their parents were not married, like Rick states, maybe the parents are illegitimate but not the children.

I cried when I listened to the message on the internet that comes along with it after I read the second chapter.  He stated how God never stops loving me, no matter what... he may not be pleased with some of my decisions but He is always there for me.  He never turns away from me, it is I who have walked away....  I know that not all people believe in 'God' per say but whatever it is that you believe in... a higher being... I just can't believe that this Earth was created by accident, it was made perfectly for us.

 

The reason I cried was because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and yet I continually walk away from him when I am disappointed or sad or angry... and I am amazed every single time when I turn back towards Him and see that He is always there.  I love my children and I don't believe there is anything they could do for me not to love them and yet they can drive me a little crazy.  Mostly because I can see their potential and it is frustrating when they don't believe in themselves.  Much like God or your higher power that can see the potential in us and we fail to see what He sees in us.  It must be frustrating for Him too. 

I have been very emotional for the past couple of weeks, I think because I have to think about and deal with things I don't want to... I am usually able to keep myself busy but being home has made it much more challenging ... and studying this book is only making me more emotional, which I did not think was possible... but it is.  I think it is good though, I am finally dealing with some things that I didn't want to because they were too painful... to sad.

I had an a-ha moment which really made me really emotional, one that I can't share right now because I need to share it with someone first, than I will post it here later.  Suffice to say that even though I had the a-ha moment, it doesn't make it any easier, it is still sad, still difficult to handle.  See.. even when you know the right thing to do, it doesn't make it any easier, even though it should....

I am only two days into this forty days, if I am feeling like this now... I am wondering how I will feel in forty days... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It's Not About Me





Wow, I have read my first chapter of 'The Purpose Driven Life', it is only five pages long, however; there is a 45 minute video that you watch after you read.  This 40 days that I have committed to is not a quick thing I will be doing.  I have decided that I will choose to watch the video and read the chapter in the morning and then I will think about it through the day and I will blog in the evening...

The first thought or point to ponder is "It's not about me"...  I truly believe this, I know I have tried to make it about me several times in my life by thinking what should I do with my life?  What are my goals?  What are my dreams?  Although I believe having goals and dreams are good things to have in my life... otherwise I founder with no purpose.  Instead of thinking what should I do with my life?  I need to think "What does God want me to do with my life?

I am a Christian, I believe in God... I respect everyone's opinions, I don't force my opinions on anyone else.  I have always been one of those people who does not feel comfortable talking about God with just anyone since I didn't want people thinking I was being pushy or that I know more than they do.  I am not embarrassed to believe in my faith, I have not always been open about it.... especially when I was living the complete opposite of what I believed in, I never wanted the church to be judged on my actions.

Whenever it is brought up, I am honest, I tell people I am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints (LDS).  I usually ask them not to judge the church by me, I realize that because my life has not gone the way that I wanted it to go that I turned away and basically said 'okay, if I can't have what I want, I will live however I feel like living'.  This makes me wonder how committed I am?  I made this about me and it's not...

This chapter and video reminded me that I was not born to have life my way, I was born to give love, compassion and kindness.  My Heavenly Father wants me to be happy, he wants all of us to find joy and honestly the only way for me to have happiness and joy is serve and love other people.  If I serve, I will be able to stop centering on myself and what I feel I lack... and what do I feel that I lack?  Love... That's pretty self centered of me as I know there are many people who love me... I wanted things my way and in my time and I didn't care about what God might have wanted for me.

I sometimes even thought why does so and so have what I want and they don't appreciate it?  I thought just give me what I want, I will be grateful, I will appreciate it.  Would I though?  or would I be ungrateful and looking for the next thing I want... Besides, who am I to judge anyone on whether they are grateful enough for what they have?  I can only judge myself and not others, it's not about me.

After reading and pondering this chapter, I realize I have been centered on what I want for me ... which I recognize is a bit selfish. I do want to preface this to say that I think it is okay to have goals and dreams for ourselves, I just don't think that I should be so locked into them that I don't see the opportunities that I have to serve and love others.  To have a purpose driven life is to know that it's not about me...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Finding The Purpose Of Me

Before I went in to the hospital in January, I watched an Oprah Life Class (yes, I am huge fan) where she had Rick Warren on who wrote the book The Purpose Drive Life. I finally had a chance to pick up the book and I started to read  it last night.  It has a 40 day challenge where I will be reading one chapter per day for 40 days.  They are not particularly long chapters but there is a lot of thought that goes into each chapter. What I have planned to do is start this on Sunday, I will read the chapter, post the question and then give my answer to the question in my blog post. 

It won't be the only thing I blog about but I think this journey of 40 days that I am taking should be documented in someway.  I am sure I will have epiphanies as I go through each chapter and questioning some of my thought patterns. I want to find my purpose, get my life somewhat on track... I know I am not here to amass things, although nice... things do not fill me up.  If I can find my purpose, maybe I can find joy on a more constant basis. 

I have often heard the phrase that we are not given more than we can handle, which believe me... I question this when I am going through a particularly rough time. I don't handle all challenges well, I have been known to yell when I am tired of handling something difficult.  I feel guilty later when I know that other people are dealing with so much more on their plates than I am.  I am reminded daily though that I have been given challenges that I can and will overcome... I was not meant to fail, I was meant to succeed.  We were all meant to succeed, I think that is what we are afraid of more than anything else, succeeding.

When you succeed, people expect more... when I say people, I really mean me.  If I don't succeed, than not very much is expected from me... Except I know better, I expect better.... and mostly I deserve better. I am really looking forward to this journey for me, I read the first chapter but I am going to reread it on Sunday and start it more seriously then.  I think giving 40 days to really ponder, challenge and question myself to figure out my purpose is not a lot to ask of me. 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Waking Up At 7 AM On A Saturday

Today ended up being one of those days where I accomplished quite a bit... my typical Saturday has me waking up early for a short time period and then going back to bed until almost lunch.  Which leaves my day short and I rarely get anything done.

Well, I woke up... Valentina came in to cuddle with me and then I just decided out of the blue to color my hair, have a shower, go shopping to two stores, did two loads of dishes in the dishwasher and did a load of laundry.  I feel good that I completed all this but I know I pushed myself a little bit more than I should have.

It's because I have been so laid up with my leg injury from the medication that everything started falling apart again. I had everything organized, I was on top of it but when I had no strength in my legs to walk, cleaning was far down on the list.  I finally felt like putting out a little effort to get back in the mode, I won't do so much the next time but I am going to put out a little effort everyday, when I did that I had my house in order.

I am pretty sure I won't wake up early every Saturday as I do enjoy sleeping in at least one day of the week.  For a number of years I worked practically every Saturday of my life and these days I am awake by usually 4:00 am from Monday to Friday... I just need to decide to only sleep until 9 am instead of 11:00 am, then I would have two extra hours to spend time with Valentina and do things around the house.

So the great thing that came out of today was that I am now prepared to cook tomorrow, I am making chili, fettuccine Alfredo and I am finally going to make the candy I am sending to my David, I haven't been able to stand for more than 15 minutes at a time for almost a month, that makes it hard to do anything that needs you to stand.

My goal for January is one of course to write in my blog daily, I know this one is later than most but I have finally had time to sit down and write.  Two I want to exercise a little each day and three I want to work at getting my house organized by the end of this month.

I am making small goals, weekly and monthly so as not to overwhelm myself.  As long as I am able to complete these, I will be able to get to the end of this year completing even bigger goals.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Opening Up To My Purpose

There are days like today where I wish I could just open up and say whatever was on my mind but I think that would be far more information than I'm willing to share about myself yet.  I just need a good long talk with David and I don't know when that might be.

Once he gets back from his exercise he has to go to the hospital for surgery (which I will pray like crazy for him).  Then he'll be recuperating for awhile, I figure we won't be able to have a long conversation for about a month or so.  I'm so NOT good at waiting, hence my need to spill my thoughts somewhere.

I've been so wrapped up in keeping the house clean and organized that I have been neglecting my blogging friends.  By the time I get my blog done, get dishes or laundry done, I then have to pick up the constant clutter that Valentina tends to leave around. I am so exhausted at this point I crawl into bed and pass out.

I really need to find some time to get caught up, I really miss everyone's blogs that I follow, here's a link to a few of my Some Of My Favorite Blogs, there are quite a few more that I have emailed to me.  I learn so much from reading everyone's thoughts and life lessons.  One of the most inspiring blogs that I follow is The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp, he inspires me daily to be the best me.

I'm getting my life more centered on my purpose but there are a few key things I need to work on right now and one of them involves sharing myself totally with someone and I would prefer it was with my 'D'.  He's the least bit judgmental person I know, so I feel comfortable being open with him. 

Sadly of all my family and friends, he is the only one I can be totally honest with, other people are wonderful but not as understanding.  I wish for a time that we could all be understanding of each other and where we realize we all are only human.

Breaking The Cycle With The Truth

Accepting ourselves is the first step of love. Only then do we allow ourselves to shine! ~ Jill Douka

I'm on my way to work, listening to music and pondering the words.  I really have to redo my song list and get rid of most of the sad songs. They are not doing anything for me right now, maybe in the future I'll be able to listen to them fondly. For now I only feel sadness while listening to them, which means I'm not ready to listen to them yet.

I want to shine, I want to be all that I was meant to be so I'm going to have to change some aspects of my life to align myself with my purpose.  If I allowed it, my sadness could engulf me and control my every thought.  I don't want anything having that kind of control over me.

I will be strong enough to overcome each of my weaknesses and turn them into strengths.  I've been weak and unsuccessful in the past because I tried to hide my flaws.  I will never change those things about myself without being completely honest and open.

I need to do that with some people in my life then I'll open up here.  I'm hoping that by opening myself up that I'll finally break the cycle of bad behavior and that I'll become victorious.  

I've also been thinking of how I refuse to give up and grow up.  I don't ever want to be a typical grandmother, I will never give into the age thing where I just give in and let myself go.  Too many women give up when they hit my age and I want to ask them why?  Why do they not want to look their best for themselves?  I know that when I go out, I want to look my best. I don't want to look as if I don't care.  Looks are definitely not everything but why wouldn't we want to look our best.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

The Whole Picture

Tomorrow's my birthday and truthfully I wish I was spending it with someone special, only one person could fulfill that wish and he's too far away... for now...  Most people don't like their birthdays as it means we're getting older.  I actually have started enjoying mine more as each year reminds me of how important and fleeting life is, it makes me sit back, reflect and appreciate where I'm at in my life.

I've come so far, much further than I ever though I could.  Which makes me know that anything and I do mean anything is possible.  If I can overcome all the negative thing in my past (and there have been many things), anything is possible.  I don't say that easily, I know there are many people who have had to and are now dealing with things that seem unbearable.  I'm not making light of those things.

I'm just saying that life has thrown me some major curves, the kind that would break most people, life can bend me and twist me but it'll never break me. Everyone says I'm strong, especially my David and although sometimes I don't want to be strong, I'm ultimately grateful that I am. 

There has to come a time in everyone's life when we decide that no matter what happens, we're not giving up.  That time for me is now, I see the big picture, not the small one that is here right now.  The long term big picture where life is sweeter than anything I've ever dreamed.   It's available to all of us, we just have to believe and hold on because life is meant to enjoy and have joy.

 I had another set back tonight, I could have literally fallen apart but nothing is written in stone, things could change, the future hasn't been written yet. I refuse to allow myself to be sad just because life throws me a curve.  I won't just survive this, I will thrive and become stronger.

At this rate, with all my set backs, disappointments... I should be the strongest person ever.  All I can say is wow... one day I will look back on all of this and smile... there is a reason.   I even think I know the reason, which makes this set back easier... not simple, just easier.  I can see the whole picture, which makes it easier to stay on track and not let go... just because.....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

The Sun Will Rise Again

I had another post written from this morning but then I went out to visit teach some friends from my church with my friend Eileen.  I had an amazing time laughing and talking about so many different topics. I just really enjoyed getting to know these women more.  I feel blessed to have this opportunity to get to know people I might otherwise not get to know.

I just realized something today that really helped me put things into perspective about David, the feelings that David had for me have only been since the late summer of 2011.  I've had feelings for him since I was 15 and they only intensified when I realized he had feelings for me.  It was just so easy to let go and fall in love with him.  I already had feelings for him for 33 years.  I guess I can see why that would be difficult for him to understand why I'm having trouble getting over him.  Not that he doesn't feel that I have the right to be sad and disappointed, he just doesn't understand I only needed the opportunity to let go and fall in love with him.  He really had no idea how much I already felt for him and how easy it was for me to fall for him.  The sad thing is yes, it was easy to fall in love with him but not so easy to let go, now I have to pick up the pieces and it won't be easy.

I will get a handle on this, I will figure out how to get through... if I can survive childhood abuse, being treated like no one when I was married and being raped; I can survive this right?  I have to say this one seems so much more painful, I've sobbed my heart out and I'm surprised I have a heart left.

There are so many more worse things happening on this planet than my little sad broken heart, I needed to get this into perspective.  This is just a small blip in my life, maybe one I needed to make me realize I wasn't born for romantic love but for something greater.  Maybe I am here for another reason, maybe I am strong enough to be alone.

Whatever the reason is, I will NEVER be sorry for my time with David, I never felt more cared for, more loved and more happy in my whole life.  I lived out a fantasy that most people would never have the opportunity to have.   At least I had  a dream come true and we are and will always be close.  I need to take time to heal and I will get better.  He and I will talk and be close in the future and the truth is that absolutely no one knows what the future holds.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Dare To Dream

"Limitations live only in our minds.  But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless."  Jamie Paolinetti


When I think about seeing my potential as God/Universe sees it, it makes me remember that it is limitless.  It is not just limitless for me, it is for all of us, I really think that this scares many of us, not that we cannot succeed but that we most certainly can.  What is stopping us from reaching our potential?  For me, it has been knowing exactly what I should be doing, I don't know what everyone's purpose here is, I only know what mine is; knowing it and delivering it are two different things.

One of my greatest fears is that I will take the correct direction and then fail, have I not failed many times before?  Have I not set goals before and let myself down?  I really and truly want to succeed this time, the closer I get to my goals.  The more conflict I have in gaining them, the more I see that I need to continue on this path.

What am I willing to give up to succeed?  Hasn't it been proven over and over that when we  give up what we think is important that we are blessed in multiple ways?  Why would we want to give up those blessings?  Unrealistic fear of anything cannot be good, for it stops us from rising to our full potential... since there is very little that I desire in the way of materialism, I find that I am hit with the more important things.  I have to really believe that if I just let all that I want go, there will be even better and more wonderful blessings ahead.

The funny thing is that somehow 'we' think we know what is best for us?  When in fact we never dream a big enough dream for ourselves for fear of failure... or fear of success; I believe these two go hand in hand.  Either way we prevent ourselves from growing to the potential we are so capable of rising towards.

Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it.  Paul De Rapin