Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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My Eyes Are Wide Open Now

I have been reading blogs most of the week and a few of them have inspired this post ... many of them were about having and showing gratitude, specifically writing it down somewhere daily.  I decided that mine will be an online journal, private for me but I have committed to writing one thing in it daily and then reading them over once a month.  I think the more that I do this, the more it will remind me of my many blessings.

I have already entered my first two posts, I like that I have finally started it again... it has been years since I was consistent.  Today is going to change that... I have been wondering how I could change my thoughts around and reading those inspired blogs seemed to be the answer I was looking for... At first I thought, what a great idea, the second one I thought hmm... that is interesting; the third one made me sit up and right after that the fourth one popped up in my feed and that was when I made the decision to start.

So, today was the fourth week of the contest, to date I have now lost 13.8 pounds, there is six more weeks in the contest ... this last week was a bit of a write off for me and it showed on the scale when I lost .8 pounds.  I know you think that is a lot and yes it is a lot but I knew that I could have done much better as I had eaten more calories a few days.  This was a really tough week for me, the weather has been so nasty that it makes it near impossible for me to want to tread out in it for anything other than work, two it was Valentine's day... just another reminder that I am alone (I don't want to hear how great it is to be alone for this day, it's better to be with someone you love) and three, work has been so busy, it is tax time and tax forms have to be out by the end of next week and everybody is scrambling.

So, I went shopping last tonight and I bought all healthy groceries, I am going to be prepared with nutritious  food ... those posts reminded me how grateful I am for having lost this weight that has held me back for so many years.  Here is something funny, I am actually looking forward to having a full body shot by the end of March... Although I am nowhere near what a place like Weight Watchers would agree I should weigh, I am quite happy where I am at... I am curvy in all the right places and with the proper sized clothing ... it will only make my weight loss look even better.

I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, year end is almost over, which means work will become manageable.  Hopefully the weather will be better by late March where I really get some great long walks in daily.  As well, I had a light bulb moment about the trial I have been going through for nearly five or six months, it wasn't one that made me happy though but maybe something I had to know... It hurts just the same ...

All three of these are moving me in the right direction ... the more I travel that path, the more I see some things would have held me back from growing to my potential... I want to always have an active lifestyle, sitting at home night after night being sedentary is not my idea of fun.  I don't mean going out to socialize which is great on the occasion, I mean active by exercising or participating in a sport... something that will keep me strong and healthy.  I might never have got to that mind set if I had traveled another path.

The other thing I learned in the last six months was that people are rarely how they portray themselves... we all want to put our best foot forward.  There are a few quality traits that I expect from the people in my life ... one, I need people to be forgiving with me and others... I believe forgiving is the only way to be, otherwise you become bitter and you hold on to bad relationships from the past.  Two, I need people not to be judgmental, I try very hard not to judge other people and I find it incredibly mean when someone does that and thinks they are within their right. Third, I expect honesty, I give it back 100 percent... if there is no honesty, there can be no relationship.

All of these things have been challenging me and I think that is why so many bloggers decided to write about gratitude in one day... I was meant to read them and to finally be inspired to get back to writing about it daily... Here is something I am grateful for, I am happy that I know exactly what I want in any relationship I have now and in the future, my eyes were closed in the past but they are wide open now.

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