Opening My Eyes To The Bigger Picture

I have had a busy week of walking and preparing for Valentina's upcoming birthday, she will be twelve... where did the time go? It seemed as if it was only a few years ago she was a baby. I know it is cliche, the older I get the quicker time seems to fly by, I remember when I was in my twenties and thinking how far away my forties were... Those years came and went in a flash, I have been contemplating how aging seems to be speeding up as I get older and how I now treasure each moment in my life more....

I desperately wanted certain things in my life and I thought without them I could not be happy... all the things I wanted never materialized and for a long time I was extremely sad because of it... then this last year I began to think more clearly and realized that what I wanted was never enough... I had actually dreamed and wished too small... I wasn't thinking long term, I was thinking of just here and now.

So, although many of my dreams for myself haven't come to pass... it doesn't mean that there are not greater and better things in my future...I am thinking long term now, not just today... that was always my issue... I couldn't get passed thinking how if I had this or that... then I would be happy. Finally today I can say even if I don't get my hearts desire, I can be happy with that. Sure I will be melancholy from time to time, I am human but I can see the bigger picture now.

I have even given up on finding someone, frankly the men I have been meeting are not quality men. If there is someone for me, he will find me... if not I will be content on my own. For I don't want mediocre, I want that crazy insane love... I know we all want that but many of us settle for the safe love and honestly that is not enough for me. I deserve as we all do... that guy who will see how amazing I am and want to give the best of himself to me... otherwise it is just a waste of both of our time.

When I think about myself in my twenties, I was so impatient and so sure I knew what was best for me... I now know I had no clue what was good for me... I would have been so bored with my life if I had supposedly attained what I thought I wanted, even five years ago, I can see now that I thought I knew what was best for me... it took time and distance to realize that I would have been bored, stuck and unhappy...

My life is not meant to be lived small, it was and is meant for bigger things... Actually we are all meant for bigger things, the real question is are we willing to take the challenge and see that our own little dreams for ourselves are never big enough... Today I want to take that challenge, no matter how difficult it might be... although the risk is great the reward is more than I can imagine. I can finally see the bigger picture, it was always there... I just had to open my eyes.

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I Don't Know How To Love Less Than I Feel

 I just had a very clear memory last night of a daydream that I had four years ago.   I had just looked David up on Facebook and we reconnected quickly, it was like we had always been friends.  It didn't seem like we hadn't spoken for 20 years.

It was around this time that David had his status on Facebook stating that he was in a complicated relationship.  I started having dreams or fantasies that David would come home for a visit to Halifax and he and I would reconnect.  Fall in love, I had that dream/fantasy for nearly 4 years and then it came true.  I am really beginning to imagine how much better it could have been if I had only believed more in my dreams.

I think I didn't dream big enough though, I needed to want more for myself than what I excepted.  Now that I'm feeling more myself than I have since New Years.  I can say today that I'm really happy. Not that I couldn't be more happy but for now what I have is enough.

I'm just enjoying my life for what it is, learning to live outside my comfort zone.  It's scary out there but that's when I know I really need to be there.  When I remembered that dream, I realized that although I did get what I dreamed for, David was more than I ever could have dreamed of.

It took me until now to realize that I'm worth loving.  I thought when David didn't fulfill the fantasy story book ending, I felt it was because of me.  Now I know I was enough, I wonder now if he feels he's enough?  I can be overpowering when I'm in love.  I realize that I come on too strong, I don't know how to love less than I feel.

I've become more independent and I feel stronger for what I have overcome.  Although I love David with my whole heart, I don't break down in tears every second day.  Breaking up is so awful, especially when two people still love each other.  Still care about each other.

If I can survive my break up with David and still remain friends, I can survive most anything; that was a huge challenge.  One I almost didn't pass. When I dream/fantasize again, it's going to be about how to get to the fairy tale ending.  I am great at getting what I dream for, I lack how to maintain it long term....

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Once In Your Life

Soul Mate:  "Someone with whom you can completely be yourself, share unconditional love with and when you look into each others eyes you have the experience of being home."

Once in everyone's life someone comes along who shakes your life up and it's never the same again.  Sometimes it's a good shake up, it makes your life more fun, interesting and exciting.  Other times they are there to make you think about what you are actually doing with you life. This can actually give you a chance to make the changes you might want to make. Either way, we should be grateful for the shake up; it shows us how to deal with changes.

Life is ever changing, we have to decide to go with those changes or we will never truly be happy.  Fear in change will never give you strength; it will only break you.

David is the one who came in to shake my life up; first he showed me I am more than worth being with. Second, it's always good to have the chance to be with someone you had on a pedestal all your life; no one should be up there.  It's not good for you and it's not good for them.  Third, sometimes you have to lose your dream to make it even better then it was.

Although, David shook my life up and in the end left me sadder than I've ever been in my life; I'd never change it.  I'll always be grateful for every moment I had with him; mostly I'm thankful for having the fairy tale and regardless of how it all ends up in the future, I've found my soul mate and best friend.

Some people can never say that; some people never know that kind of love.   I've had the best love in the world and now I've got my best friend.   I can tell him anything and he'll always be there for me.  He can tell me anything and it won't change how I feel about him either.

When people come into your life and shake you up, you might want to say thank you; they are helping you grow.

Have you ever thought that
if one thing hadn't happened,
a whole set of things
never would've either?
Like dominoes,
a single event kicked off
an unstoppable series
of changes that gained
momentum and spun out of control,
and nothing was ever
the same again.
Don't ever doubt that
a mere second can change
your life forever.

Unknown

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

My Love, My Best Friend

Do you remember a time when you were really happy?  You know a time where you smiled on the inside and out.  It's been a long time for me.  I have had some really happy moments lately but I haven't had that insane happiness.  The ones I had with David through the two months of November and December in 2011.  I had the most amazing holidays, I'll never forget how happy and wonderful it was.  In my heart it's real <3

I love that you love me, I love that you are to there to catch me but most of all I love that you're my best friend.

I had a dream come true, my fairy tale love , my one and only.  He's everything I've always wanted and now it's so hard that we are apart.  Every other day I think I can't do this, I can't be only friends, I can't be without him.  My emotions are on a roller coaster, I try so hard to keep myself together.  I don't want to make it harder on him or on myself.  I know that even if I do make it hard on him, he will be there for me no matter what.  We are best friends, we are soul mates.

Yet if I really love him, I have to let him go.  As painful as that will be, it is the right thing to do.  Because I love him I want him to be happy, my love letter to you, even though I know I would/could make him insanely happy; he has to want that from me.   No one on this earth or anywhere else will ever love him as much as I do.  I am willing to let him go but we will always be best friends.  Whenever I need him, he will be there and whenever he needs me, I will be there.

The truth is that no one knows what the future and the eternities hold, I have faith that everything will be as it should be.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
 

Insignificant

I wanted to post last night but I was so emotionally wiped.  I was in bed a little after nine and I stayed there until almost midnight where I woke up long enough to turn off the TV then went back to bed.  I am going to apologize up front but my posts won't be all that happy and uplifting over the next few days.  I thought about not writing but I think I've already lost enough and I didn't want to lose this too.

Every time I think that I have moved forward, I see myself going backwards again.  I have this incredible need to be loved, which I am sure most people in this world need too.  Some people are able to be fulfilled by other things, I only want to be loved and cherished. Do I think that love is easy and the answer to all my problems... no... but I think it's worth it.  The happiest times in my life have been when I felt love, real love... the kind I feel for David.

All I have desired was what I wrote about in Fairy Tale Love and My One And Only.  Sometimes I wonder if that exists for me?  I have seen it with other people, why am I so difficult to love?  What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me?  Of course I have to give the same kind of love back and I am willing to do this.  Before everyone thinks that I don't feel grateful for all the blessings I have been given, they would be wrong.

I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everything I have.  I always am... I see blessings each and every day in my life.  I did the hardest thing I had to do last night, my tummy was upset, I was shaking and I felt so sad... I felt worse after because I didn't get to see the result that I thought I might see.  I saw that maybe I don't even matter.  That sounds awful, it sounds like I am selfish saying that but the truth is that we all want to be seen, heard and loved.

I didn't feel that last night, instead I felt like... oh... okay.  I wanted to hear words that couldn't be said because maybe I imagined something that was never there.  So how could the words be said that I wanted to hear?  Today I feel insignificant... I guess that is selfish but it is how I feel.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Still Believe In Love

This post is inspired by a comment left by one of the people that reads my blog.  She said she didn't believe in the fairy tale of love,  after these past few months I have wanted to not believe either but I can't say that.  Love exists, what I have/had with David was and is real, I didn't imagine all those beautiful and amazing feelings.  Unfortunately dreams change, it is difficult when they change from what we know they should be.

I know my posts have been a little emotional and I am sure they will be for a little while.  Love doesn't go away easily, at least not with me. When I love someone, I love them with my entire heart and soul and the truth is that even though it has not worked out the way that I know it was meant to with David, it doesn't mean that it shouldn't have.  What it means is that people have their own agency and their own fears that they have to get past.

What I had to come to terms with this week is that I needed to figure out if I was strong enough to still be friends with David and I am.  My heart that is broken right now would never be able to heal without him in my life.  He believes in me, he centers me and he says I am his strong girl.  In the past I used to stuff all my feelings inside me, using many ways not to deal with what I was going through but because I have David there, I talk to him, he listens.  I never want to disappoint him.

I am lucky, luckier than even David... I have so many people in my life who pray for me, think positive and uplifting thoughts for me, who want the best for me.  I have people all over the world and I have my strength in what I know is true.  I am not alone and I know that I am extremely blessed.  David doesn't have all this, I will never let him feel alone.  Regardless of how sad I have been and how emotional my life is right now, I know that I will get through, I always find a way.

I believe in love, it does exist, I have felt it and I still do.

My One And Only

I met him in ninth period Biology when I was 15 years old, in grade 10. I was awkward and shy, afraid of my own shadow. He was sitting behind me, he said something, I turned around and he smiled that beautiful smile of his and I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes.

I was instantly smitten, he talked to me and really seemed genuinely interested. He was so kind and funny, I crushed so hard on him. I even wrote love notes which I put in his locker anonymously. I was so geeky, lol.

I finally came clean and told him it was me. He smiled, we became friends, I used to call him at night and talk for hours, I always laughed so hard with him. I even went to his church to be near him.

That summer after grade 10 saw me going to another school. I never forgot him though, I wondered about him often. My life took a path where I became a single mom at 18. One day I was walking to Sears by Mumford, a guy was walking towards me, it was him;).

He instantly remembered me and stopped to talk to me, I was full of butterflies. His smile was as beautiful as always. Not too long after that a girl I grew up with was going to a house party, she said you will never believe who is going to be there. I said who? She said him.

I almost jumped out of my skin, I begged her to see if I could go, she said no problem. The night came for the party, I was so nervous. I got there, he was in the kitchen. He smiled at me and talked to me like old times. He started dancing with all the girls in the room and he by passed me, I was sad but he came back to me after he danced with everyone else and then he said, I was saving the best for last.

I truly melted and waltzed with him, I felt so complete being in his arms. Fate had stepped in our path again, though he was seeing someone and it was almost 7 years later before I was to see him again. This time the Sears delivery buzzed with a package, I opened the door and all I could see was how beautiful this man's body was.

All of a sudden, I heard my name, I looked up into his gorgeous blue eyes and it was him, he flashed me a smile that was amazing as usual. I'm sure I turned every shade of pink and red. We talked for a few minutes, then he was gone.

I would not hear from him again until I was 45 when I looked him up on Facebook. I was nervous that one he would not remember me or two that he would and wouldn't want to talk to me. I was wrong on both accounts.

He did remember me and we chatted off and on for three years on Facebook. I always enjoyed our conversations. He was with someone, I was just happy to be friends. Then last summer (2011). I noticed he had left New Brunswick and was on his way out West.

He started talking to me whenever he was on, we talked like old times. It seemed he had been hurt in his previous relationship but he was still upbeat with me. He told me he loved how happy and positive I was, he wanted to know how and why I felt like that. He wanted to feel the same way.

He asked me if I had a secret, I said yes;). He said do tell, I laughed and said it would take too long to type. He asked me if I was a tease?  I laughed and said I can be. That flirt changed everything. We talked for hours every night, we couldn't get enough of each other.

I told him one night that I deserved him because I deserved the best, he stopped me and said, "Did you ever think it was me that deserved you?"  I cried, no man had ever made me feel that special. All of this coming from the sweet boy I never forgot.

We made plans for him to come home for a visit, we thought it wouldn't be for months. I was on the bus one night and I thought wouldn't it be amazing to have him home for New Year's. I got home, he messaged me to say he might be home for New Year's, he wanted to spend it with me and he wanted to wake up with me and start the new year off right.

About a week later, I thought I wish he could be home for Christmas, I came home, he messaged me that he was almost positive he would be home for the Christmas holidays, I cried, my dream was coming true. He said I want to spend the holidays with the girl who held me in a piece of her heart all these years.

We were both crazy with anticipation, I had to work and couldn't meet him at the airport. It was better that way, he fulfilled another fantasy of mine, he showed up at my work with a dozen red roses and told the receptionist that he was my soldier boy from out West.

I was so high on happiness, I hugged him and it felt so amazing to be held by him. He came by to pick me up after work, I got in the car and smiled and giggled. He was going to start driving, I said wait, I got on my knees on the car seat and leaned over to kiss him.

That kiss was better than any imagined kiss I'd ever had about him. I had butterflies and my belly did flip flops. We both sighed, it was a long time coming. I felt complete, we were so close, so happy and so at ease with each other.

The holidays were amazing, he helped me to slow down and enjoy it all. Sometimes we rush too much and miss the joy we could have. We just enjoyed holding hands, walking arm in arm, driving around looking at Christmas lights, talking endlessly.

Waking up with him in my arms was magic, although I'm complete without him, I felt so fulfilled being with him. He saw the best in me, we are soul mates. He knows every crazy thing there is know about me and he still thinks I'm amazingly wonderful, he called me his special girl.

He told me to listen to the song Far Away by Nickleback, I think of him whenever I hear that song, that is our song, he said it was to apologize for making me wait for him for so long. I crushed on him in high school, I fell in love with him when I was an adult woman. No one in my whole life has made me feel I was so worthy, so lovable and so wanted... no one has ever made me feel that safe.

Whatever happens in the future we will be close, we love each other as best friends and no one can come between us. He's the man I can tell all my inner secrets to and I have told him all of them. I am his soft place to fall, whenever he needs me, I'll be there for him, always.

We transcend love, we were meant to be soul mates, we were destined. Our path proved that, we were never too far from each other. He thought about me over the years and he was the boy I could never forget.

Because he's always been so honest, I can believe him when he tells me I'm beautiful and amazing. He's not a liar. I feel so blessed to have him in my life and he feels the same way.

I will never give up on him, our paths are destined to be intertwined for the rest of our lives and maybe forever. No one knows what the future holds.

Investing In Me

I have been wanting to write for the past couple of days but each time I sat down to write my thoughts were muddled.  Nothing clear was coming through, I am pretty sure it's because my house has become a source of stress for me.  I have come to realize that my house is fast becoming a metaphor for how I'm feeling inside.

I know a lot of this chaos started happening when my relationship with David changed in January.  Although we are closer to each other than any other people.  He's my best friend, my soul mate, my rock.  I can say or do anything and he will always be there for me. I want the whole thing though, I want the fairy tale love ending. I deserve that.  I can't settle for less for it won't bring me lasting happiness.

I have finally committed to going back to church, I've always known I should be back there and David has supported me in this change. I'm really grateful that he is understanding and that he thinks it is good for me. I really believe that being loving and supporting of the people we love is what brings us closer to each other.

I have been trying to come to terms with how everything played out with David and me and in the process my house became what I couldn't handle.  Now it has become so out of control that I don't know where to start, it all seems so over whelming.  I need a goal, when I make a goal I seem to thrive, I just haven't made the goal.  I'm pretty sure that if I make the decision to actually clean and organize my house that would mean I would have to deal with other aspects of my life.

I made a step today to invest in me, I decided I am worth the time and energy to figure out why I have done some of the things in my life and made the choices I have made. I was asked a question tonight... 'What three things are stopping you from becoming what you want to be?"  I only had one answer, it was me... I am the only thing stopping me.  I have no one to blame for my choices, only me.

If I want that fairy tale love ending, I have to be honest and open with me, to make the changes to be able to have all that I desire.  Anything less means that I don't believe I deserve it.

Fairy Tale Love

Ever since I was a little girl, I've only wanted one thing in my life and that was to love someone and have them love me.  You'd think that would have been an easy task to fulfill.

I mean it's not like wanting to be rich or famous, where you have to hope for some good luck.  I figured all I would have to do was be a good, kind, honest and loving woman.  I was sure I would find that one guy.

Unfortunately, I had to go through some very rough and nasty times that could have broken me but I always I rose above it all and became stronger. Along this rough path I chose, I never seemed to meet that one sweet, honest and loving man.

Then out of nowhere, like a fairy tale, I connected with a man I have known for years. I had an insane crush on him when I was 15.  We connected in a way that neither of us have with anyone else.

The fairy tale went on; he was truly interested in me. We laughed together all the time, had non stop conversations. Whether it was on Skype, chat or on the phone, we couldn't get enough of each other.

 He was able to visit me after 6 weeks of us reconnecting. We had been talking for 3 years but talking intensely for 6 weeks.  It was amazing, he fulfilled a fantasy of mine and he brought a dozen red roses to my work. He told the receptionist that he had flowers for me and he was my soldier boy from out west.

It was all very romantic.  He was as kind and sweet as he always was. He held my hand while walking, opened the car doors, all the sweet stuff most men leave out.  I loved him before he even visited me but I came to love him more each day we spent together.

It was so hard to let him go when the time came as I had finally found that lost piece of myself. Fate or destiny whatever you want to call it gave me a piece of heaven. It's a time in my life that I will cherish for the rest of my life; I am so blessed and grateful to have him in my life.

The future is uncertain but I hold out hope that the whole fantasy will be a reality some day. All the missing puzzle pieces will be together one day.  Until that day I will work on being the best me.