Joy Is Within

 I have been thinking about this post for a while, I have wanted to pick a word that I could ponder and incorporate in my life for this year and beyond. I had some great words and last week when I started writing about it, it never materialized... then a few friends gave me suggestions and I would think, oh... that's a good one. Yet nothing would come to me when I would think about writing about it. I spent my Sunday relaxing and catching up on all the blogs I follow... I knew I wanted to write tonight and when I came in to sit down... the word Joy came into my mind.... it's been something I have been thinking about for a while..

I have not felt joy for a very long time and this is the year I want to change that, it all started with forgiving her... I have to say, it feels good, she is still there, doing what she does best but I don't care anymore... what I care about is changing my mind and heart so that I can feel joy again. I have been so wrapped up in what I lost, what I don't have and what I feel the future holds for me that I was unable to see that nothing is set in stone, things change.. that is a part of life. What is the point of me being sad and not feeling joy? 

After injuring myself in November to the point that I couldn't exercise, I used that as an excuse to question why? Have I not had enough challenges, trials, losses? What was the point of me continuing to take care of myself when it seemed like an injury could come along and take away the little good I felt I had in my life. Believe me, whenever I was stressed I walked, whenever I was sad, I walked... I used walking to avoid my feelings. After being injured I had to start thinking about those feelings ... they were pretty difficult to deal with, so I tried to ignore them and eat. 

However; that is not acceptable to me any longer, I can't use that as an excuse to not take care of myself.... I started taking care of myself by forgiving her and I have been working on my surroundings, slowly getting that together.  Next was the word and I know it is a bit late coming but it finally came to me and I realize it's not just a word I want for 2016... it's a word I want to give thought about for my life. The truth for me is if there isn't joy, what is there?

Every last one of us has challenges, things that can drain us emotionally, physically and spiritually... if we don't have something to hold onto to get us through that... how are we to believe it can get better. For me, it is joy... it is much more than happiness.. it's a feeling that is possible even when a trial is happening because I know that no matter how challenging a trial is, joy will be there again. Somewhere along the line I lost that ability to see that as I was in a place I thought I would never get out of... so I questioned how could I feel joy again? Joy never left me, I just had a hard time seeing it. 

I have decided that one of the ways I am going to bring joy into my life is each day I will either write something down that I am grateful for, talk about it with someone or I will take a few minutes a day to ponder something I have gratitude for... Sometimes it is the small things that bring the biggest joy... I learned a great deal this past few weeks by forgiving her... I learned that joy is inside us, we just have to look within...

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Freedom Is The Path I Choose

 Have you ever sat down to write something and been certain what you wanted to say, only to find that while you are trying to write something, it keeps going in another direction? This rarely happens to me as I get an idea, I start to write and it just comes out. Of course there are times it is more clear then others but I rarely struggle to get my point across. Tonight I struggled, I wrote a whole post and after I finished I read it and it was the most disjointed writing I have done in a long time. Usually I have one idea, this time I had two different ones that didn't really work with each other if that makes any sense?

 

Instead I felt the need to write about challenges, last week I wrote about how I was finally ready to forgive a woman who I don't even know personally that has gone out of her way to hurt me in any way she could through lies... truly forgiving her has helped me a great deal this week... when I thought about her, normally I would become angry and frustrated, this week I took her for what she was an insecure woman who has no trust, I actually felt sorry for her and I had pity.. how sad must it be that she isn't happy enough with herself that she feels the need to bring other people down?

Although I have a long road ahead of me, I am now on the right path... it bothered me that I had such difficulty getting passed the feelings I had for her when I have forgiven many people in my life that have hurt me a great deal... I intellectually understood that true forgiveness is really to free ourselves but for some reason emotionally I held on to the thoughts I had of her... thinking by forgiving her it was saying what she has said and continues to say about me is okay... Today I no longer care, they are lies and I  have no need to prove her wrong... the truth will come out and it won't even be by me. 

It was like when my ex step mother Ruth was abusive physically and emotionally to me and my sisters... when I forgave her and moved on, I no longer wanted to get revenge on her for the pain she caused me, I knew that it would come, I didn't wish it and I wanted no part in it... that is how I am feeling about that woman today... It was difficult for me to realize my part in this for the past couple of years, by holding on to her, I was drawing all her negativity and lack of self worth to me... 

I always thought I was so good at forgiving people, until she became a part of my life... and I took on that mentality that since she had wronged me and lied about me... I had a right to defend myself and prove to her that she was wrong... who cares what she thinks of me, she isn't going to change her mind about me, she wants to dislike me and there is nothing I can do or say to change that,  I can only change my mind... which I have done...

Although I don't need or want certain people in my life that have hurt me greatly... I choose to forgive them and have compassion for them even. If I could not forgive these people, who am I to expect this for myself? ... I am sure I have hurt someone a long the way in my life, I don't think I have done it on purpose but indirectly I am sure I have... I would hope that I could be forgiven too... I know some people will say or think that when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, that it's harder to let that go, I think it is needed even more then...  It honestly has brought about a path of freedom I forgot even existed and taught me that forgiveness is a form of love and a choice I make... 

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 

 

I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  

Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 

I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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What I Learned From My Break

What did I learn from my blogging break? I learn something different everytime I take a break, there are various reasons each time. This time I learned that I wasn't handling my life well. There were things coming up that I just wanted to ignore... Ignore them I did by filling every moment with social media.   If I did that I didn't have to deal with what was in front of me. I have done this with numerous other things over the years and now I used blogging and social media. It's not a bad thing to be involved... I love being able to interact with each of you and getting to know you all more personally makes me happy.

I have decided that I will continue to read blogs but maybe comment a little less... I will always be there supporting each of you but I also need to have time to care for myself. I had given up on walking and eating healthy (another coping mechanism) ... this week I changed it and I want to keep on this path.   In this last week I walked over 50 miles (100,000+ steps), which ended up being over 10 hours of active exercise. I know that won't be possible every week but I am commiting to at least 5-6 hours per week and I'd also like to get 50,000-60,000 steps in. I think these are strong and attainable goals.   I'm setting myself up for success, I have NO desire to go back to where I was in my life... I was not happy and admittedly I'm not all that happy at the moment. However; saying this I know with a surety that I never had a chance of being happy where I was... but today that happiness is definitely a possibility in the future.

As for the guy, he will remain 'the guy' for now and for some time... Building a relationship is difficult enough as it is, bringing social media into it early on only challenges it more. Right now it's good, we are committed and happy with each other... He makes me smile and he's told me that I make him very happy too... we've both been burned but we both want to get passed our past and live in the present.   What I learned from my blogging and social media break was that I can't ignore what's going on around me by filling up every minute with busy things... I need to make time for me to think and clear my mind daily... Walking, meditation and prayer are the three things I'm going to do for me.
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I Had And Have A Choice

I'm going to talk about something that happened at church Sunday, I rarely discuss my religion on the blog and I'm not really going to start today... but I needed to explain how I was emotionally touched and it came from a lesson there.

It was about how we needed to listen and follow a certain path if we really wanted to be happy. I knew what they meant but it brought up emotions that I wasn't able to deal with as well as I had hoped... I broke down crying. I wanted to share my feelings with the other ladies there but I wondered if it would be too much for them.

This was because I thought about the many paths that I have followed in the past, many of them dark and empty, all because I was looking for peace and happiness. None of those paths I chose brought this to me, when a challenge came up in the past, I wasn't always strong enough to make the right choices...

I was dealing with the aftermath of my trials and my choices ended up having me fall deeper into darkness. There would be times I would have some clarity here and there, where I'd turn things around but none of them were real life changes as the next trial that would come along, I would fall back into old patterns.

I don't think most people knew how far I fell... it wasn't pretty, there were times I was out of control, so out of control... I couldn't even admit it to myself. It wasn't until this Christmas past that I gained a clarity that I had not felt for many years, where I came to understand that I could not continue on those paths... as I knew that no matter how hard I tried to cover the pain, it wasn't working anymore.

With that clarity came more trials then even I thought possible ... there has been incredible opposition but I knew this would happen as I can I see the trials for what they are and I am making other choices... ones that don't involve hurting myself anymore ... choices that are helping me to see even more clearly.

I remembered of course that I'm just human, I made mistakes, I will make more... ones that are hard to live with, ones that formed my future and although I can move forward and make better choices which I plan to and I have... I still have to live with the choices from the past.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe in true forgiveness and I have forgiven myself for the poor choices I made... most of them out of sheer sadness and depression... some made because I was beyond exhausted from lack of sleep and I knew of no other way at the time.

Regardless of the reasons,  I understand I was a hostage to my choices and that even though I had once thought I was free because I could make them, I was actually more unhappy because of them... Changing those choices brought me a freedom I needed.

I'd like to say that it is easier now but that's not so... but like that quote about it not being easy but it being worth it.. I believe that now. The greatest thing I learned was that I had and have a choice...

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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The Past Does Not Define Me

I've been floating around lately, not committing to anything... my thinking had been if I didn't make a commitment, I wouldn't fail. However; if I don't make a commitment to something, I won't just risk staying in the same space... I will risk going backwards.

So, today I have made a step forward ... this step has been one I have 'tried' before but never committed to... This is an ongoing lesson that I have had to learn time and again. It makes me question why I have had to relearn the same concept over and over? For me to be successful I need to commit fully, otherwise I won't move forward, I'll slide back. I have worked too hard this past year and a half to give up on myself now.

This time of the year is difficult for many people, for me it is a reminder of many dates and memories that although wonderful are painful to deal with... I've decided that I'm going to immerse myself in the holidays this year. I don't plan to go overboard with the money as that isn't the spirit I'm looking for.

I'm looking at being of service to others who need me. I want to decorate, bake for others and invite people over to bring the joyful feeling in my home. I have an idea of something that Valentina and I will be doing to bring that feeling into our home and hearts more. 

I'm not giving into the sad moments this year... I'm immersing myself in the upcoming season and remembering the true reason for this time of year. For me it is not about the gifts at all, it's the feelings it can bring.

I have allowed that amazing holiday with 'him' to stop me from making new and better memories. That is changing this year, both Valentina and I deserve better than past memories, we are making new ones together. The past will not define who I am in the future, the present will.

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Change Begins With Me

I have gone back and forth with writing for a few days now, there has been another change for me this week and I didn't handle it well... unfortunately that is the way I am, I have been working on that but it takes time. When sudden and life altering changes happen, I freak out but I always get to the stage where I work out a way through it, then I am okay. What I have learned from this last challenge is that I don't freak out as much as I would have in the past because I know there is way through.

I realized that this is not how I have always portrayed myself to people that I know unless they are a close personal friend. I wondered if that was the way I wanted myself remembered? The thing is that I am more myself here on the blog than I am with most people... because I have a hard time trusting that people won't be who they say they are... or who I know them to be. It was at this moment that I knew we all wear masks to the world of what we want people to see.

Sometimes you meet a few rare people in your life that you can open up to and be yourself and know that no matter what it's okay, they will be there for you always... just as you would be there for them. Then the unthinkable happens and everything you think you knew is gone... It was never as you thought it was... it makes you question everything and everyone.

I also understood that because I was unable to really trust that someone was being real with me just because people in my past didn't live up to what they said they were... doesn't mean that all people are the same. I know this for a very good reason because I can be totally trusted... I am not the only one; so that gives me hope that eventually I will meet someone like that, someone honest, open and real... someone who is not afraid of putting in the work to make it work out... someone who is not judgmental of my past, for I would not be judgmental of theirs...

So, although I know it will be difficult and maybe even disappointing at times, I am choosing to trust again, I am choosing to believe that just because my past did not turn out the way I thought it would, doesn't mean that my future can't be even better. I have dealt with many challenges in this past year particularly... I think loss of trust is probably one of the hardest things to deal with... I am choosing to trust again, since change begins with me...

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The Past Is Just That, The Past

I've been thinking a great deal about how my life is going to change drastically in the next six months. This week is going to be a good time to clear my mind of things that are not important... I will have to be organized if I plan to be successful with school, there will be a great deal of study time needed. The accounting course doesn't start until September ... so I will have two courses overlap for about three months.  What I am going to do is work ahead with the first one so that I can have enough time to do other things like walking, writing and reading blogs. Not to mention I am a mama first... I have a lot of juggling and organizing to do to get ready.  

I wanted to let you all know I'm still very determined to give my best and being healthy is very important to me. I think sometimes we lose ourselves while giving so much of ourselves to others.... I got my voice back after Andrey had tried to control my every move, that was when I finally stood up and didn't allow him or others to control me any longer.  I have always been centered when I want something...  this time was different for me, I was even more determined than normal.

A year ago, I took my life back and changed it by 180 degrees, I got into an exercise routine and ate as healthy as possible... I didn't even let my 50th birthday be an excuse to eat how I would have in the past.  I didn't feel deprived, I felt as if I was working on becoming and staying physically healthy ... So, I wondered what had changed that feeling about a month or so ago.. where was the drive I had?  Tonight I came home, dropped my bags and then instantly changed my clothing and left to take a good long walk.  

It felt like old times, I felt great putting forth the energy to walk/jog a 5k again... I am hoping the weather cooperates with me while Valentina is away so that I can get a 5k in everyday.  I really liked walking in the morning ... that has not been so easy to get back to... I know that I have to make the decision and just do it, otherwise I will come up with excuse after excuse.. and the truth is, I am no longer a girl with excuses... I am a girl who is more than willing to change and put forth any effort to never go back to who I was in the past. 

I am not my past and I shouldn't be judged on it... no one should... especially when the work has been put in to make the changes. The past is just that, the past.

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You Can't Rewrite The Past That's Written

I was thinking about my next post and what I wanted to write, this phrase came to mind and no matter how many times I thought I want to write about something else, I kept coming back to this. You can't rewrite the past that's written... you can only move forward but that does not mean you should forget or try to change the past, it means you should learn from it and cherish most of it; for the past made us who we are today.

Why is this on my mind? This is a really tough week for me... it is my best friends birthday this week and I can't even wish him a happy birthday.  I think that is very sad and it didn't have to be that way... however; it is that way and nothing I say will change it.  So, although I cannot say it directly to him, I will be thinking of him and wishing him the best.  For I could wish nothing less than happiness and joy for him ... that would make me happy.

The phrase came to mind for a couple of reasons; one, I was told that I remembered things the way I wanted to... not true, I remember the way they were.  In the past I couldn't have said that because it is too easy to change our memories to how we want them to be... In this day and age though, it is easier to stay true to what was, since most of it is in writing. Two, I often wish I could change a key moment... although I know that is not possible either.  Instead I just have to move forward and remind myself that not everyone wants to remember the past the way it was... and leave it at that.

I have come to terms with my past and I am moving forward as I have been for quite some time... it was about a year ago that I knew my path was not the one I wanted to be on.  It was that realization that made me finally make the changes that I needed to make in my life, eating right and exercising; generally getting healthy. It was the best decision I ever made and stuck to in my whole life.

I also remember the day everything changed, one night everything was fun and laughter and within a matter of days it all changed... that was when I stopped sleeping through the night... and it took me a long time to center myself.  I still have days but I am moving forward as there is no where else to go and I refuse to be stuck... my life changed by 180 degrees and although I am not as happy as I wish, I know I will be again because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... I just have to hold on.

Things change and people change, all of this can happen in a moment... but you can't rewrite the past that's written...

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Things I'd Tell My 15 Year Old Self Today

I have seen these letters going around in the blog world, each person seems to choose an age that is pertinent to them.  Fifteen was one of the first huge change years for me that I remember.  It was the year I entered high school, it was the year I fell for a boy that I ended up falling in love with 33 years later, we later became the best of friends and it was the year my father found out that Ruth was abusing us with words, fear and violence. For the first time in my life my father stood up, made a decision and left Ruth for good.

So, what would I tell my 15 year old self today:

One that none of those kids that I went to school with matter when I'm older, all those days of feeling inadequate and being judged by my peers are meaningless to me when I grew up.  They were just as scared as I was and I am grateful that I didn't make anyone feel the way they made me feel.  I am sure as they grew, they have their own guilt... I would tell myself to worry less about what those kids thought of me.

Two, sometimes the past should remain in the past... sometimes when you let the past in, it could destroy your future... mine almost did.  Even today... I wonder if I will ever get to a point that I won't feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life allowing the past to catch up to my present.  I would tell my 15 year old self not to believe everything you see in front of you, people have masks of who they want you to see...  I found that out the hard way a couple of times in my life ...

Three, I would tell myself to love myself more... and that I deserved better than I ever allowed myself to expect.  I never raised the bar high enough, I kept my little dreams instead of making bigger dreams... because I never thought I could do better.  I can do better though, I know I certainly deserve better... I settled one to many times and today I will never settle again.

Four, I would tell myself to dream and to chase those dreams, life is too short it goes by quicker than any of us think.  I would also tell me to choose better friends, I have chosen a few people in my life that make me question what I was thinking... I would tell me to love more and not be afraid to go after what I want.

I tell my 50 year old self these things all the time now, I am going to chase my dreams... I am not going to settle for less, I don't care what other people think of my choices and mostly I am going to open myself up to love... for once in my life, I deserve the guy... the guy who will love me and only me.  The honest, kind, sweet guy... The bar has been raised and I won't be lowering it for anyone.

Follow along!
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