Freedom Is The Path I Choose

 Have you ever sat down to write something and been certain what you wanted to say, only to find that while you are trying to write something, it keeps going in another direction? This rarely happens to me as I get an idea, I start to write and it just comes out. Of course there are times it is more clear then others but I rarely struggle to get my point across. Tonight I struggled, I wrote a whole post and after I finished I read it and it was the most disjointed writing I have done in a long time. Usually I have one idea, this time I had two different ones that didn't really work with each other if that makes any sense?

 

Instead I felt the need to write about challenges, last week I wrote about how I was finally ready to forgive a woman who I don't even know personally that has gone out of her way to hurt me in any way she could through lies... truly forgiving her has helped me a great deal this week... when I thought about her, normally I would become angry and frustrated, this week I took her for what she was an insecure woman who has no trust, I actually felt sorry for her and I had pity.. how sad must it be that she isn't happy enough with herself that she feels the need to bring other people down?

Although I have a long road ahead of me, I am now on the right path... it bothered me that I had such difficulty getting passed the feelings I had for her when I have forgiven many people in my life that have hurt me a great deal... I intellectually understood that true forgiveness is really to free ourselves but for some reason emotionally I held on to the thoughts I had of her... thinking by forgiving her it was saying what she has said and continues to say about me is okay... Today I no longer care, they are lies and I  have no need to prove her wrong... the truth will come out and it won't even be by me. 

It was like when my ex step mother Ruth was abusive physically and emotionally to me and my sisters... when I forgave her and moved on, I no longer wanted to get revenge on her for the pain she caused me, I knew that it would come, I didn't wish it and I wanted no part in it... that is how I am feeling about that woman today... It was difficult for me to realize my part in this for the past couple of years, by holding on to her, I was drawing all her negativity and lack of self worth to me... 

I always thought I was so good at forgiving people, until she became a part of my life... and I took on that mentality that since she had wronged me and lied about me... I had a right to defend myself and prove to her that she was wrong... who cares what she thinks of me, she isn't going to change her mind about me, she wants to dislike me and there is nothing I can do or say to change that,  I can only change my mind... which I have done...

Although I don't need or want certain people in my life that have hurt me greatly... I choose to forgive them and have compassion for them even. If I could not forgive these people, who am I to expect this for myself? ... I am sure I have hurt someone a long the way in my life, I don't think I have done it on purpose but indirectly I am sure I have... I would hope that I could be forgiven too... I know some people will say or think that when someone goes out of their way to hurt you, that it's harder to let that go, I think it is needed even more then...  It honestly has brought about a path of freedom I forgot even existed and taught me that forgiveness is a form of love and a choice I make... 

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Soaring Above My Past With Forgiveness

 

The New Year always brings reflection, hope, change...  I was reading an article the other day and I saw the above quote, I have seen it many times before but it resonated with me in a way it never had before. I have talked about how important it is to forgive others, I can honestly say I have forgiven many people for the hurt and pain they inflicted on me or others I love... Yet there is one person that I have not forgiven until now, she has done more damage in my life than anyone I know, she has caused me a great deal of sadness and she continues to watch me, I know this as she accidentally follows my pages on social media. 

 

I continued to react to her for the last couple of years, until recently I decided that honestly she isn't worth any reaction, thought or feeling. It is not my place to judge her for what she does and doesn't deserve, it's my place to forgive her and move on. She has taken up too much time and energy in my mind for the past couple of years, I realized she was getting the drama she craved, I will no longer waste another moment of my time thinking about her.  She is nothing to me... for 2016 I am forgiving her and moving on... I suggest she does the same but that will be her decision. 

Saying all this, I took some time to think about that quote and how I needed to stop wishing the past was any different... I know that I had held on to that hope way too long, so long that it just depressed me. Just because something didn't work out the way it should have doesn't mean that it shouldn't have, it just means we all have our free agency and we just have to move on from decisions good or bad. Besides, the choices we all make have consequences, that is how life works. I don't want to be the girl who draws negative energy or drama, I am not that girl, nor do I ever want to be. 

I want this to be the year that I soar, the year I make positive changes that take me in a direction that will bring me joy. I have a couple of ideas in mind to get me there, this was the first thing I needed to do, until I REALLY forgive her and move on, I will never get to the next level... and I WANT to get to the next level, I deserve that and honestly so does she but that will be her choice. I am going to stop wishing the past could have been different, it isn't and no amount of wishing will change it....

One day, I will have the answers to my questions but today I am putting them away and moving on and learning the art of letting go... I have talked about it in the past, even thought I was ready to do it, thought being the operative word... today I am ready... I want to feel that power of freedom, it's a gift I want to give myself... I know I am ready because it is a gift I want to give her too... I hope she accepts it. 

I don't make resolutions in the New Year, I am of the mind that when I find something I want to change, I do it then... specific dates never work for me, I just have to do it... I alone hold myself back, it is a hard pill to swallow when I admit the truth, no one holds me back but me... Life is an ever learning process, sometimes incredibly hard but the truth is without those difficult challenges, we would never be able to become our best selves... I want the hard edges sanded off to soften me even if it's painful... because that is where I will soar.

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The Answer To My Trials Is 'Try Me'

I was waiting to write a post after my blog makeover was complete, I am just waiting for the new header, I won a make over from Kristina of Kaye Luxe Design by entering a contest through Anett from Bella Pummarola ... to say I was excited to win would not be a good enough word to convey how happy I was about it... I had been thinking how I needed to have an overhaul of my blog, as change can be really good. However; I did not have the money I needed to do this, nor the technical ability... so winning this made me see how blessed I was that the opportunity came about after I had been thinking about how I could make the changes. 

This week was also a difficult one for me, it found me using excuses... so much so that I couldn't even write, each time I sat down to write, I would find something else to do... Writing meant that I would have to admit that I was using excuses and I am not one that likes to admit that I have allowed a trial to win or control me. Some challenges are more difficult to deal with, especially the kind where I can't stand up and defend myself.

I am one of those people who wants to defend myself when I feel attacked, this trial had me frozen though, I kept thinking how unfair it was that I was not able to defend myself but as the week moved on, I knew that no amount of defending myself would change what was said or done to me... Sometimes it is true and that I have to let go, walk away and not look back because defending myself would just be giving it more power. 

Then I remembered the quote above and realized my best answer to this trial was not to say Why me?... it was to say Try me... I am not giving up on myself because of one petty trial or challenge... I am much stronger than that. We are starting another challenge at work to lose weight but really more to get healthy... I am using that to kick start this Spring into the Summer to become the best me. I have my Fit Bit that I am going to be using to keep track of my steps and keep my goals in line. 

Mostly, I am going to find solutions to each excuse that I have used this week and find a good way to deal with the next challenge that will come along... unfortunately that will happen, knowing it and being prepared is half the battle. Pretending it won't come along is burying my head in the sand and setting myself up for failure. I won't be failing, I will be succeeding...

From now on my answer to needing to defend myself against a trial is not going to be Why me?... it is always going to be Try me... 

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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Goodbye To You‏

This letter is a very long time in the making... I didn't even realize I was going to write it until I opened this up to write. I had actually written the better part of a blog post but took a break, when I came back this was inspired instead.

Last week I found out through a mutual friend that 'he' was going in for major surgery. Our friend was shocked that I didn't know; how would I know? I don't talk to 'him'. I immediately prayed for him and asked others to do the same.

I then found out he was okay a couple of days later... I was so thankful, I wish I had the words to express how much but honestly I don't have them. I have had a few days to think about it and then I messaged our friend and I told him I no longer want to hear how 'he' is.... I would prefer not to know, he understood and agreed.

Over the last couple of days I have gone through a wide range of emotions... from being elated that he seems to be on the mend to being saddened that for how close we were for the last few years, I had to hear this through a friend.

Although I have moved on and made my peace with the whole mess that it turned into. It hurt that words were taken out of context and misunderstood and instead of talking about it one on one, I just received written words that never gave me the opportunity to respond.

He was my best friend and I will miss that friendship, I know I will love again but will I ever find a best friend again? That is what made losing him out of my life so emotionally hard... how very close we were and how we told each other everything and anything.

In this past week that I came to terms with the fact that 'he' and I will not be friends again. I needed to say goodbye, I wanted to send it to 'him' but I figured he wouldn't read it anyway. So I wrote it here to make it real, if I write it where others can see, it becomes more real to me.

I hope that he's happy, I most certainly wish this for 'him'... wherever he goes in his life...

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No More What If's

This weekend has been a busy one, my oldest Andrea is home for a visit. My nephew got married so she came up for that and stayed a few days for a visit.  She was only able to come by herself, we had a good time though... we went to the wedding together, which was beautiful, then I cooked tacos for her on Saturday, like old times and then yesterday we went shopping for a new pair of Nike's for Jackson.

Anyhow, this is why I have been absent from reading and answering blogs, she is flying home early tomorrow morning and then it is back to work for me.  I am hoping to go to the fireworks tonight, as long as the weather holds up.  Then the following week Valentina will be going camping for 6 days and I will be on my own.  I plan to get back into walking as much as I can, I will be able to just go when I feel like it.

I read a blog a few days ago and it was incredible, it kept asking the question What If? to the many different instances in the writers life.  I commented that I had to put the what if's away, the what if's were pulling me down, not allowing me to move forward. It had been a very long road to get to that point and the thought of allowing the what if's to take me back there, would only have me going backwards and I want to live in the present. 

When I stopped living with the questions of what if's? I started moving forward... Is it still sad sometimes? Yes... in can be, but I wanted more than the what if's? I want what I deserve too, a good, honest and kind man... one that sees how wonderful and committed I am.

I am going to be very busy taking 2 courses at the same time, plus being a mama, working full time and exercising.  I need to get these by the end of the year, I am going to give it my best to complete both of them. Then I can have my PCP and run payroll anywhere in Canada.  I will be catching up with you as much as I can, I will have a ton of homework... but I will need a little down time, so reading will be a must ... I will comment as often as possible.  Of course if you comment on my blog I will definitely reciprocate.

The reason I am putting all the effort I can into getting my CPA is that I don't want to look back a year from now and say I wish I had completed those courses. I have what it takes to finish them and to excel. Since losing the weight, I saw that I was capable of whatever I put my mind to... there will be No More What If's...

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You Can't Rewrite The Past That's Written

I was thinking about my next post and what I wanted to write, this phrase came to mind and no matter how many times I thought I want to write about something else, I kept coming back to this. You can't rewrite the past that's written... you can only move forward but that does not mean you should forget or try to change the past, it means you should learn from it and cherish most of it; for the past made us who we are today.

Why is this on my mind? This is a really tough week for me... it is my best friends birthday this week and I can't even wish him a happy birthday.  I think that is very sad and it didn't have to be that way... however; it is that way and nothing I say will change it.  So, although I cannot say it directly to him, I will be thinking of him and wishing him the best.  For I could wish nothing less than happiness and joy for him ... that would make me happy.

The phrase came to mind for a couple of reasons; one, I was told that I remembered things the way I wanted to... not true, I remember the way they were.  In the past I couldn't have said that because it is too easy to change our memories to how we want them to be... In this day and age though, it is easier to stay true to what was, since most of it is in writing. Two, I often wish I could change a key moment... although I know that is not possible either.  Instead I just have to move forward and remind myself that not everyone wants to remember the past the way it was... and leave it at that.

I have come to terms with my past and I am moving forward as I have been for quite some time... it was about a year ago that I knew my path was not the one I wanted to be on.  It was that realization that made me finally make the changes that I needed to make in my life, eating right and exercising; generally getting healthy. It was the best decision I ever made and stuck to in my whole life.

I also remember the day everything changed, one night everything was fun and laughter and within a matter of days it all changed... that was when I stopped sleeping through the night... and it took me a long time to center myself.  I still have days but I am moving forward as there is no where else to go and I refuse to be stuck... my life changed by 180 degrees and although I am not as happy as I wish, I know I will be again because there is always a light at the end of the tunnel... I just have to hold on.

Things change and people change, all of this can happen in a moment... but you can't rewrite the past that's written...

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Letting Go To Have The Life Waiting For Me

I know that many, if not all of you have heard the above quote at one time, in one form or another.  Today I heard this quote and it jolted me... I immediately went to the computer and pulled it up... The quotes and life lessons from Joseph Campbell are incredible and thought provoking.

One of the reasons I have had trouble moving on from 'him' was one, I love him with my whole heart and two, I feared what was out there for me.  I remember a woman in her 40's over twenty years ago that I knew who desperately wanted to be married. She finally met and married a man; however he looked like he was old enough to be her father.

I thought to myself at the time, wow... I don't want to get to my 40's being single and settling for a man who looked old enough to be my father... Then I heard that quote this morning and I was reminded that we all have a path we need to be on... That was her path and she was happy with her choice.

My path will lead to my hearts desires and it won't be some old guy who has no desire to live a little... I'm the girl that needs excitement and fun.  Also, just because I have let go of my past, it doesn't mean that it was wrong, it doesn't mean that it wasn't meant to be.  What it means is that I have to trust that some amazing man is looking out there... looking for someone as amazing as me.

If I don't know that I am amazing, how will any man know that.... my self esteem does not depend upon whether a man loves me or thinks I am amazing...  My self worth comes from within.... I do get a little defeated when I keep meeting men that have qualities that are so far removed from what I am desiring... but as my sister said to me this morning.. move on and say 'next'... and never settle.

I will never say it is easy moving on from a dream that you want and that you know would be wonderful... but I also know that not moving on is not an option for me.  If a man cannot see how wonderful and worthy I am, then it is his loss... truthfully it is his loss even more than mine.  I don't want to, nor will I settle for someone who would settle for so little in their life.

I don't believe in fairy tales  but I do believe in love... and deep down inside me that belief has held me together for the past eight months when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry non stop.  It was and is a rough road, however; I know I will rise above all of this one day and look back... I might even wonder why I almost settled for so much less then I deserved.

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Living With The Joy And The In Betweens

I have been writing in my gratitude journal for 30 days straight now, I find it gives me a time to just reflect on what is really great that is going on in my life, it usually ends up that I write about the small things.  I think small things need to be celebrated, they are the steps we take on our journey to love ...

I finally have a word for how I have been feeling for the last six months, I am not ready to share it, for the moment it is just good enough that I know the word.  It has opened my eyes as to why I have been on such an emotional roller coaster.. I read another blog Friday night called .As Far As The Eye Can See, I have written about her before, she writes things that move me deeply.

What she wrote made me realize the word, I wrote in my other journal/blog Friday night... I wrote for over two hours.  I usually take the time to read it over and fix up the sentences.  Last night I was too tired, plus it gave me a lot to think about.  I have been feeling less joy lately but I don't allow myself to wallow in the feelings. Sometimes I cry and that is okay ... I laugh a lot too.  I have been in a why stage for so long ... when it doesn't matter why anymore. 

I opened a door finally... one which lead me to write for so long Friday night, it just poured out of me, no time was taken between thoughts... the next thought was there as soon as the last one was written.  Eventually I will will post it here, it is probably the most real I have ever been with my writing.  I tend to hold a little back for various reasons but mostly because although I share a great deal of myself... I haven't been ready to put it all out there. 

I slept for a little over three hours ... probably the longest stretch in six months.  I had decided to get groceries Friday night because I did not want to deal with the crowds on Saturday ... so that meant I had a day where I actually got some things done around the house, all the dishes are done and so is the laundry, I just have to get the floors done.  I can just imagine how much I could get done if I could sleep a little more.  At least the last two nights were headed in the right direction.  

I have made a few decisions for myself, one's I plan to share in my blog soon... I am first trying to get a little order in place so that I will be ready to move on with some of my plans.  Chaos and disorder do little to help me move ahead with ideas and plans, order is something I need a little of... otherwise I am just floating around, completing nothing. 

I wish I was better at letting go like some people but then I wouldn't be me who really feels... I would be them who never felt enough.  For when I have loved, I gave my heart and soul... I soared with joy... if I had held back, I never would have felt that joy, that is what people who hold back in life miss out on. So, although it is tough to feel emotions, I would much prefer to feel than to bury them and never really live.

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Setting The Record Straight

 

It's time for me to set the record straight once and for all... after this I won't discuss it again.  For reasons I won't go into he and I are no longer in contact, we
haven't been for quite sometime... Do I miss him? Yes... regardless if we were to never speak again, I will always consider him to be my best friend.

Next question that needs answering .... Do I want him back other than being friends? That would be no and it has been for a long time... as you all know I have dated, I will continue to date... I am looking for that kind, exciting, honest and sweet guy that will love me too.

Third, I can't believe this needs answering again as I blogged about it in the summer...  Did I lose the weight for him?  Let me make myself completely clear... I cannot lose weight for anyone but me, truthfully if I had tried to lose this weight for anyone but me, I would have failed...

I am not living in some fantasy world that he and I will ever be anything but friends, (if that).  I came up with new dreams since I needed to dream bigger... I thought it was wonderful that I was with him, now I want someone who feels that lucky to be with me.  Do I believe I deserve dreams... YES... I deserve to have all the dreams I have to come true... I will never stop dreaming, there are no limits. 

Final thought... Do I have good thoughts and memories of him?  Yes, I have good thoughts, I wish him only the best... I could never wish him less.  I want him to be happy, he seemed to be when I talked to him last. I'm happy about that.

These are my last words on this matter... whether or not people can see, I've moved onto another path (that is their issue, not mine), ... I'm looking forward to where it leads.. I know I deserve happiness....

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The Secrets That Bind Us Can Also Break Us

I decided to attempt to fix up my blog last night, all I wanted to do was change up the colors as I realized sometimes it is difficult to read with all the different colors... I had people mention it to me nicely.  I have been wanting to make the changes but believe me when I tell you I am not very technical, don't get me wrong, I LOVE technology... I just get frustrated when I am unable to make things work like they should.

So, I started by going in to change up the colors and for some reason, they would not change, no matter how many times I tried... I was on Facebook at the time and I remembered that Rae had helped me with my blog about a year ago... I sent her a quick message and she was more than willing to help, I had her go in and clear what was there, then she put my heart background and light pink back on... just like that.  Thank you Rae!!! She made it so easy for me to go in and fix up the rest of it...  I even went on to You Tube and learned how to change my cursor... I never would have figured that out on my own.  I will be using You Tube more in the future, how cool and it was simple.  Of course nothing is simple until you learn it...

Eventually I want to have someone do a nice layout for me, before I can do that, I want to be moved and settled into a new place... ever since I decided to move for September, it is all that I can think of... I actually want to get some boxes and start packing away the things I am not using right now... like books and winter items, purging like crazy as I go.  I will need the next couple of months to clear out all the stuff I do not need or use... it will make cleaning this place and unpacking in the new place a lot easier if I can get rid of as much as possible.

What I really need to do is have Valentina find a way of changing her thinking... she has a need to save everything... I mean everything.   I am after her as much as I can but if I don't get after her every single day, the next thing I know, she has saved mounds of items that are useless.  It boggles my mind because I would rather get rid of things we don't need than save it so that I become overwhelmed. If she doesn't learn now that things are not important she will end up being a hoarder... that would be scary.

I had a long talk with my sister tonight, the one who lives in New York state... we hadn't talked for about a month or so, we are both pretty busy and it isn't easy to find the time, so when the time is available we take it and talk for hours.  We have not always been close but we are working on this the past few years, I really think that how we were raised made it difficult for us to be close.  You would think sharing the same secret of childhood abuse would have bonded us but we both reacted to the abuse differently, so it kept us from being the close sisters we might have been otherwise.  It was almost like we were pitted against each other... just another form of abuse.

I am proud of her, she has come a long way... with very little help, she has dealt with difficult issues herself, which is what I think helped us to become close again.  I always thought of my sister Shelly as the pretty one, yet she has had the same difficulties in relationships as we all have had... I came to realize over the years that how we look doesn't make life or relationships any easier... She is dating a very kind and sweet sounding man... I am happy for her... she deserves this after the troubled relationships she has endured. 

I think we all need that kind and gentle person in our lives, the ones that show us we are worth it, we've always been worth it, we just didn't know because it was taken from us as children through the secrets we held of being abused... It might have taken us quite some time to get this back but we never gave up the idea that it was possible.... I told her tonight that even though David and I didn't work out romantically that he was my kind, sweet man who showed me my worth... I'm really grateful that my David came back into my life... sometimes it is sad for me that it didn't work out but for us but ultimately I am very thankful that I have him there... he grounds me when I start to get out of control...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

New Memories In Time

I sat down and did a budget, if I'm strict I can afford a decent rent... now to find that place... I think I am going to move before the winter hits, I'd like to start the New Year in new surroundings.

See, once I make a decision I am driven.  I actually have a place in mind now... closer to the Canada Game Center, I have someone that can take care of Valentina.  I am getting so excited and so will Valentina if this place pans out.  Close to a bus depot, grocery store and many other great options.

As I write this I am feeling lighter and more free.  It amazes me why I hold on for so long when wonderful things always happen when I give in.  I'm going to be better than my landlord, I will clean this apartment perfectly... I believe you get back what you give out... karma.

Now that I have plans I am thinking about how I to finance the move... lots of expenses there, next pay day I am starting a savings plan and I will go into budget mode.  I'm looking forward to a fresh start, setting up a new place and starting new memories.

Maybe I can put some of my memories on the back burner with this move too....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

The Comfort Zone Is Going

I had a bit of a frustrating evening, I have been without a working stove for a little over two months... yes you read that correctly... there were a ton of issues as the old stove was hard wired and the landlord had to find an electrician to install a plug.  Long story short, it has finally been installed, so what was to be a great evening as I was planning on actually making a meal since I have been using a microwave/crock pot/electric frying pan will have to wait another night.

I am highly disappointed that it would take that great length of time to complete this job... I am positive if it had been his stove, it would have been replaced the next day.  Anyhow, I have been feeling like it is time for me to move within the next year... now I am going to... I cannot continue to live in an apartment where the landlord would leave me without a stove for that length of time, it was truly uncalled for. I am going to look for a three bedroom apartment located closer to Valentina's school, as my place of work is talking about being able to work from home.

I would LOVE that, I could walk Valentina to school before I started, than I could just have someone pick her up after school for about two hours.  We would end up having an extra three hours together each day, we could go out and do things as five pm isn't too late to go out with your child... seven pm is... So, I am taking this as a push to get me to the next place, since I will need a third bedroom to use as a dedicated office.  It will be nice to have one, where I can shut the door after work and separate those two parts of my life.

Once I have this ability to work from home, I am sure the quality of my life will go way up, that is an extra three hours per day, I can exercise, read, clean, cook... can you tell how elated I am with the thought of having this much extra time per day, an extra fifteen hours per week.  All I can say is bring on working from home, I hope they pilot that soon.  Until then I still want to move to something better, it means really following a strict budget, which I am not all that good at anymore but this might get me back into the habit.

I will be spending the next few months downsizing more, the less stuff the better, I cannot stand the clutter... it's my little Valentina that likes to hold on to objects.  I used to when I was younger but the older I got the less I am attached to my things... I really could care less, I have gratitude for the items I have but I am not emotionally attached to them.

I have known for sometime that I should move, I need a neighborhood that has children in it so that Valentina can go out and play.  She goes outside here but she really has no one to play with other that the girls on the next street and they are not out that often.  I should have been planning this move last year but I was comfortable, I didn't want to listen to the promptings, I need to start going with them and not ignoring them because I am comfortable.

I am going outside my comfort zone in a lot of ways... I don't mind saying that I am a little excited and a lot scared....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥