It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Gaining Some Perspective Daily

This year can be summed up in two words for me, lost and lonely. This was the year I did some major soul searching, battled demons of the past to get me to a better place. I'm still on that road, a tiny bit less lost and less lonely.

I waffle daily with all the changes I have to make and stick to, it's been extremely hard.  I make a firm decision then it saddens me and I rethink it over and over. I just have to make those changes whether I think I can handle them or not.  I'm not handling my life the way that it is right now.

Ripping the band-aid off all at once is the right thing to do, right?  Covering the injury will never allow it to heal, right?  Part of me is so looking forward to the end of this year, the other part of me is so very sad that this year ended up the way that it did.

I've been feeling overwhelmed but then I read some blogs and started getting everything into perspective.  There are people who are dealing with massive health issues, depression, loss of careers.  Other than my leg my health is good, although I'm sad, I'm not in a depression and I'm lucky to have a pretty secure job.

Sometimes all we need is a little perspective. I have a friend who cannot understand how people who use or hurt other people seem to get off with it, yet people who are good, giving and kind seem to have it so much harder.  The way I have dealt with that injustice in my life is to let it go, move on and don't think bad thoughts of them... that is the only way to be free.

I just want to be free, I have felt so lost and just wandering around in circles; sometimes I wonder how I hold it all together.  Because inside I'm following apart.  I just needed a little perspective...

 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield