Our Dreams Can Come True

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Dreams of you

Dreams that are gone

Looking back

Dreams that are empty

Dreams that are lost

Today is no different

Looking forward

Dreams of tomorrow

Dreams that are alive

Tomorrow has hope

Dreams can be changed

Dreams can come true

No One To Say Them To

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Lost without the words

Even if I had them to say

No one to say them to

At least no one that wouldn't judge

Since it is too easy to say

Say without thinking

Compassion is what is needed

Not I knew

Not you should have known

That is judging

That is not love

Or compassion

What did I learn?

Not to judge, just be there

Give only love

Instead, I am lost without the words

Even if I had them to say

No one to say them to...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Free Falling.... Where Will I Land?

I feel like I did back in December... just trying to hold myself together... wondering if it is worth it...  I just feel as though I have a hole inside that I can't fill.  I have tried so many things and nothing seems to help, instead everything I've attempted has actually left me feeling emptier.  I really thought that when I held it together over the holidays that I made it past some imaginary line and I was going to be able to cope with the future.

Lately though, it is a daily struggle to get through even a day.. .I have too much on my plate right now and I am trying so hard to see the good.  I know it's time for me to move but I am not looking forward to it, it's so huge, so much to do... with purging, packing, finding a place, finding people to help me move, unpacking... on and on... I am so exhausted thinking about it. 

Valentina is becoming a tween and with that she is finding her voice... which is good but difficult for me as the parent. Part of me wants to keep her a little girl for as long as possible but that is not what raising children is about.  It's about loving them and guiding them in the right direction, even when they go off track as teenagers... It's just very hard for me when she now starts to get upset with me and says hurtful things I know deep down she doesn't mean. 

I am in a place in my life where I don't want to argue with anyone, I want to get a long as much as possible.  That is a pipe dream when raising a preteen or teenager, even the best of them have their days and my Valentina is a very sweet girl but even she has her moments lately where she is voicing herself and not always in great ways...

I also have a new baby sitter starting in a week, Cindy found her for me... though I am happy about this... I will miss seeing my Cindy everyday and my never having to worry about Valentina while I was at work.  I knew she was being very well taken care of... now I have to get to know someone new and there will be growing pains as there is with any relationship... I really hope that Valentina clicks well with her as she did with Cindy.

Also, I am thinking of changing positions at work, I am the only one in my area that has not moved in the five years I have been there... because I was sure I wouldn't be able to deal with the change and the new learning curve that comes with any new job but I know it's time...

All of this is leaving me feeling rather lost and wanting to have something steady that I can hold on to... I reach out and there is nothing there... I am free falling and I am wondering where I will land when all of these changes happen. Part of me wants to see into the future and see that everything worked out okay... unfortunately we don't have that luxury... we have to keep going even though we have no idea where we will end up...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Why Am I Never Enough?

Today was one of those days, it's raining a lot here and my mood was matching the weather... I had a mini melt down at work (not work related)... I ended up leaving so that I wouldn't make a total fool of myself since I started to cry and I didn't stop for a few hours... not that I cried the whole time but I was highly emotional for close to four hours...

I started beating myself up and I wasn't able to get control of it... I am glad I left work, I needed to just be home where I could cry it out and blog.  So, I sit here trying to analyze myself, wondering what it is about me that makes it so hard for someone to love me?  I question myself and think... is it because I am too fat?... I am a big girl... is it because of my scars?  Am I too much of myself? (I can be overwhelming with my emotions)...

When I start questioning these thoughts, I realize that I have very little self esteem...  Every time I think I have gained some self worth, a day like this happens and takes all that I have worked for away... It then feels like I have to start from scratch all over again... It is exhausting to continually build myself back up... but my tenacity doesn't allow me to quit.  It keeps pushing me to keep working at it, keep trying...

I think the thing that irks me the most is when someone tells me how strong I am...  I am but it bothers me to hear it sometimes... just because I have days like this, days where I paint a smile on my face and I act the part, where I hide everything inside.  But because I do that... I end up with a day like this, where I lose control and cry.  Which makes me realize that I have to start letting it out a little at a time... otherwise I will have another one of these days.

My mom told me that until the time I was six years old that I had tons of self confidence, I had lots of play mates and that I didn't get upset if children were mean to me about my scars... my mother taught me love... I remember a time that I was taking the school bus home and I decided not to get off the bus at my stop, instead I went to my friends for lunch.  My mother was frantic, the girls parents called my mom and I was returned home where my mother instantly hugged me.  I could tell she was worried but I also felt that she wasn't angry at me, I felt loved.

Unfortunately I didn't get to live with my mother, I ended up living with my father after my parents separated and he decided to live with my psycho ex step mother Ruth.  Where we lived in fear basically, my sister Shelly accidentally broke an elastic band and she was beat for that, she was five years old.  We always sat on pins and needles wondering when her hand would just fly out and whack one of us in the head.  Unbelievable that anyone would do this to a child.... destroying their self esteem.... 

I don't have these feelings of low self worth every day... most days I am very upbeat... It's like I get hit with a challenge.. which I don't handle very well immediately, then I start questioning everything about myself.. I start to think I must not be enough.  This whole process frustrates me, I wish I could stop the doubts about my self worth.  I know I am a good, kind, forgiving, caring, loving person... I have lots of flaws too but everyone does... Some days though I always return to the question... Why am I never enough?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Gaining Some Perspective Daily

This year can be summed up in two words for me, lost and lonely. This was the year I did some major soul searching, battled demons of the past to get me to a better place. I'm still on that road, a tiny bit less lost and less lonely.

I waffle daily with all the changes I have to make and stick to, it's been extremely hard.  I make a firm decision then it saddens me and I rethink it over and over. I just have to make those changes whether I think I can handle them or not.  I'm not handling my life the way that it is right now.

Ripping the band-aid off all at once is the right thing to do, right?  Covering the injury will never allow it to heal, right?  Part of me is so looking forward to the end of this year, the other part of me is so very sad that this year ended up the way that it did.

I've been feeling overwhelmed but then I read some blogs and started getting everything into perspective.  There are people who are dealing with massive health issues, depression, loss of careers.  Other than my leg my health is good, although I'm sad, I'm not in a depression and I'm lucky to have a pretty secure job.

Sometimes all we need is a little perspective. I have a friend who cannot understand how people who use or hurt other people seem to get off with it, yet people who are good, giving and kind seem to have it so much harder.  The way I have dealt with that injustice in my life is to let it go, move on and don't think bad thoughts of them... that is the only way to be free.

I just want to be free, I have felt so lost and just wandering around in circles; sometimes I wonder how I hold it all together.  Because inside I'm following apart.  I just needed a little perspective...

 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Me And My Thoughts

I sit here with only my thoughts.  I read a quote the other day that said something like if anyone you knew treated you the way you treat yourself.  You'd tell them to get lost.  We treat ourselves so much worse than anyone else could.  Only we know our own weaknesses so well that we play on them.

I'm not treating myself badly tonight but I'm wondering how I ended up sitting in the dark writing this blog.  It's quiet here, I can hear traffic off in the far distance.  What happened to make me sit quietly and reflect on the day, this past year, my life.  I'm trying to find my true purpose, I can't possibly be put on this earth to just feel pain and sadness.

There really has to be something more but what is it?  I realize that I've been living in a bubble or a vacuum, I'm out now and it seems I have very few friends that I can talk with about this.  How did that happen?  I used to have a number of people I could just call, now I have a handful. 

Where can I go now that I need to say the most and not be judged for it later.  I only know of one place and I can't talk to my "D" about this.  I'm sick about this whole thing, I can't even bear to think about what I may have lost and how incredibly awful it feels.

Hopefully in time I can talk to my "D", explain what's going on with my life and then he can make me laugh as usual.  I really need some cheering up from my David, that would put a smile on my face.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

A Defining Moment

I'm glad that I have my plan, for me.  I need to focus on all the good things I have in my life.  Becoming healthy will be fabulous for me, I know the running club will be challenging for me but I'm up for it, excited even.  It looks like I will be starting August 15 when I get my bonus.  I need the money to pay for the running club and the yoga class I want to take.  Also I will be able to stock my cupboards with good food.

I've been up since 2:30 am, I got caught up on my blogs and I did 3 loads of laundry.  At least I accomplished something.  Off to work, still not my best but I have to keep moving.  Well my day has ended off pretty sad, I need to take a little time and take stock in my life, figure out where I am at and where I am going.  At the moment, I feel sick inside with no end it sight... some pain we are given to deal with ends up being much more than we ever thought we could handle.

If only I had known that the last time I hugged and kissed you that it would be the last time, I never would have let you go.  I guess that's why it's best we don't know it will be the last time.  It's funny but I remember that night and how I wanted to hold you just a little longer but you had to go.   I shouldn't listen to sad songs, they only make me more melancholy, as if I need any help in this department. 

It still remains to see if I am strong enough, as everyone says I am... the true test starts here and now.  Today is a defining moment for me, a challenge that I was hoping I would never have to face.  Right now I feel so weak, I could just go to bed, pull the covers up over my head and stay there... but I can't do that, I have Valentina, my job, I need to find a way to survive this challenge.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Insignificant

I wanted to post last night but I was so emotionally wiped.  I was in bed a little after nine and I stayed there until almost midnight where I woke up long enough to turn off the TV then went back to bed.  I am going to apologize up front but my posts won't be all that happy and uplifting over the next few days.  I thought about not writing but I think I've already lost enough and I didn't want to lose this too.

Every time I think that I have moved forward, I see myself going backwards again.  I have this incredible need to be loved, which I am sure most people in this world need too.  Some people are able to be fulfilled by other things, I only want to be loved and cherished. Do I think that love is easy and the answer to all my problems... no... but I think it's worth it.  The happiest times in my life have been when I felt love, real love... the kind I feel for David.

All I have desired was what I wrote about in Fairy Tale Love and My One And Only.  Sometimes I wonder if that exists for me?  I have seen it with other people, why am I so difficult to love?  What is it about me that makes it impossible for someone to love me?  Of course I have to give the same kind of love back and I am willing to do this.  Before everyone thinks that I don't feel grateful for all the blessings I have been given, they would be wrong.

I am incredibly grateful and thankful for everything I have.  I always am... I see blessings each and every day in my life.  I did the hardest thing I had to do last night, my tummy was upset, I was shaking and I felt so sad... I felt worse after because I didn't get to see the result that I thought I might see.  I saw that maybe I don't even matter.  That sounds awful, it sounds like I am selfish saying that but the truth is that we all want to be seen, heard and loved.

I didn't feel that last night, instead I felt like... oh... okay.  I wanted to hear words that couldn't be said because maybe I imagined something that was never there.  So how could the words be said that I wanted to hear?  Today I feel insignificant... I guess that is selfish but it is how I feel.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Am I Too Broken

I have been trying so hard to work on myself and believe that I am worthy of what people tell me I am but deep down I think I am too broken to repair.  I keep being disappointed and instead of handling the disappointment I fail each time.  I know that I am supposed to accept what life offers me but sometimes it keeps pulling me down and I'm not sure I can keep bringing myself back up.

There are times I think I am strong for all that I have survived then other times like this I wonder how much disappointment one person could handle. Then I feel selfish for feeling that way when I have so much in my life,   I know that I have had many blessings in my life but sometimes it's hard to continue to see all the good things when there are so many losses to deal with.

I've made some really huge changes this week and I really really needed to have someone there to help me get through, I've been so alone, I haven't felt like I've had anyone to open up to.  I don't want to fail this time but it's so hard being alone doing this.  I have been lost and broken for so long, I'm not sure I can be repaired, definitely not by myself.

I just don't even know if I can keep picking myself up, I want to think that I can I'm just not sure.   It's becoming harder to deal with, especially when I finally find what I've always been missing and I lose that.  Why did I even get it for a small time, just so it can be taken away.  I almost think it would have been better to never have it.

I finally felt safe and now I don't....  now I feel alone again.