Christmas Wish 2016

 Our Christmas Tree for 2016🎁🎀🎄

 

I have to say working from home has been SO good for me, I'm nowhere as exhausted as I was in the past. Last weekend I did all my Christmas shopping except for one item, then I had some company drop over last Saturday and they were sweet and offered to wrap all my gifts (this is my least favorite activity) ... for the first time in a very long time I am really looking forward to Christmas. I have tried to get into the spirit of it for the last couple of years but deep down it wasn't there... basically, I faked it until I made it. I could never fake it with myself, though, I just went through the motions.

I am excited that I will be having a few friends over for Christmas too, it has been a while since I hosted a holiday dinner. Tonight I will be watching all my favorite holiday movies while baking and cooking... It was a tradition for years when I was raising Andrea, now that I am working from home, I have the time to do the things I love for Christmas... I am happy that I am feeling the spirit of the season and that I am excited to celebrate the holidays.

This is just a short post to wish everyone one of you a happy holiday and a very Merry Christmas. Remember that this season is not always easy or happy for everyone, I hope that we can try to include those people who might be alone or in need of some love and kindness. This is my mission for next year and in the future, as love and relationships are what is the most important now and throughout the year.

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Finally

For anyone who isn't friends with me on my Facebook, I finally got the approval to work from home. I am really happy as I am sure you are all aware... we have had decent weather until this weekend... so, I was approved just in time before the winter started. I took this weekend to set everything up and verify it works properly. Down the road, I will be supplied the proper equipment from work, for now, I will make due with what I have... My friend is taking me over to the office some night this week so that I can retrieve my binders and personal items.

 

I changed my alarm clock right away, I am looking forward to an additional hour and a half of sleep... then I am making breakfast for Valentina. This has been the first weekend in a while that I have been so relaxed... I completed all the little projects I needed to do... in the past, I felt rushed trying to do everything I had to do and still get some downtime. I don't feel stressed about the long commute... once I got home on Friday, I realized how tense I was every morning and night... knowing I had the long trip. I suddenly felt at ease.

It's funny what I pushed myself to do, then when it changed, I realized through the transition that I was tense with having to force myself out daily. I also made plans with some friends to visit them... I know I will need to get out as people were concerned that with working at home I wouldn't get out. However; I think I will actually get out more and visit, hang with my friends.  I have actually felt cut off from my friends due to being exhausted by the time I got home from work.

 

I am sure I mentioned that I literally had a three hour plus commute per day, I am excited to have that time back to do more meaningful activities. I am considering joining the gym with the pool again, I would have time to enjoy it. I found I missed swimming after I spent the summer going to the lake with my friend.  I am thinking it will be a good way get back into exercising without putting too much stress on my knees and back.  

My mood changed drastically this past weekend, I am feeling like I have more opportunities opened to me. I also changed departments at work .. I am excited to be in a new position. It's nice to have a few good things happen to me all at once... I have hope that the transitions will put me on the path I've been working towards. I am even looking forward to the Christmas holidays, it has been a long time since I felt good about it... I've invited some people for dinner as noone should be alone this time of the year. 

 

I am going to purchace a bike this Spring, I have decided that this year is the one that I get back into living a healthy life. No more excuses, now that I have the time and means to achieve my goals... eventually I want to get back into walking, once I strengthen myself with swimming and biking. It's time for me to get back on the healthy track and do something for myself... Finally

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I Am Bent But I Am Not Broken

This week ended up being a lot to deal with, first my leg is still injured... when I saw the physio therapist the week before I promised myself and her that I would do anything that she asked of me. She had given me exercises that I have done every morning and night, I slowed my walking down and I walked much less then I normally do... yet there is no change. It has become almost unbearable to walk and I ended up searching for my cane that I had to use a few years ago. 

 

I started thinking about people that have chronic pain and I felt so much empathy for them, here I am with a pain that it almost certain to pass eventually... yet I am not dealing with it very well... how do people deal with this all the time, everyday? With no light at the end of the tunnel... yet I know people like this in my own life and many of them handle it with very little complaining... I am in awe of them.  

Next I had moment at work where I did not handle myself well... it was many things, all the changes, the pain in my leg and the time of the year (The Christmas holidays are not happy for everyone). Thankfully I have very understanding people that I work with and they were able to alleviate some of the stress I was dealing with. It will still be a bit trying as it is coming into year end, one of the busiest times of the year for payroll but at least I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now... unfortunately I had to have a bit of a meltdown... however; I am sure we have all had a moment when we had to much going on at once. 

Then of course this time of the year has not been good for me, it is a constant reminder of what I almost had and what I lost. I know that by holding onto that sadness, it only holds me back from what the future has to offer. There were times I thought I had got over hump and I could see a different path to take but then I'd have times that brought it all crashing back. Acceptance is extremely important to moving on and it is one of the most difficult things for me to master. 

I am well aware that my future has nothing to do with my past anymore, it hasn't for a long time... deep down I don't even long for what I felt was to be my future, as time has proven to me that no matter how happy I was then, it couldn't have been a long lasting happiness as I have come to know things about 'him' that would have bothered me over time. Things I would not have been able to brush aside... and no, he isn't a bad person by any means, he really is a kind and sweet man... however; he doesn't have it him to forgive people that make mistakes. I need the person in my life to be forgiving as unfortunately I am going make mistakes, like anyone else. 

That was a tough lesson for me to learn, one that nearly broke me in the past few years... I had refused time and time again to see 'him' as he really is... I wanted to remember 'him' the way I had dreams about 'him'... if I really saw 'him' as he was, I would have to admit that I am the one that is responsible for the challenges I have had to deal with... no one but me. I couldn't hold anyone accountable, not 'him'... not her... just me... With that realization I also knew I could change the future, as I am bent... but I am not broken.

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Reflecting How Far I Have Come

I had a bit of a rough week as I would think I was healing and then I would re-injure my leg again, I finally ended up seeking out a physio therapist and decided that no matter how much I want to exercise, I am not going to be able to for a while. I have been given the green light to walk some, just shorter lengths and much slower... this has been pretty difficult for me, however; I think it has given me the time to reflect...

I have a way of using things so that I don't have to think, I am sure we all do it to some degree. We all have our ways of coping when we don't want to deal with what is in front of us. I kept giving myself permission to do whatever I wanted, why not I asked myself? Besides, it's Christmas, a very hard time of the year for me and I know for many others as well... I thought why not just let everything slide for the rest of month and then get back on track? 

I have to say I am good at telling myself I have the right to do what I want, haven't I been diligent and put in so much effort to follow my dreams? What was wrong with cutting myself some slack? I realized that I was hurting myself by not holding myself accountable and I began to question why? I wondered why I was going to let Christmas do me in and take control of me? ... I am worth more than giving in... 

I started getting real with myself, something I haven't done for awhile... it's not easy, it is much simpler to just allow myself to wallow and say why not? I deserve to feel this way, I have had numerous let downs and challenges... didn't I deserve for something to finally go right for me? I allowed that mentality to rule my decisions... I frankly thought why bother following my dreams? They never seem to work out, right? 

I had an incident happen late last night that opened my eyes and made me really reflect, a person that is always trying to make everything look perfect showed their true colors last night... they showed they are insecure, unhappy and not at peace and yet profess to have what they want... at least they think they do... Believe me when I say, I am well aware that no one has a perfect life, I just wonder why some people try to make it look that way? ... I am past that phase of wanting everyone to think I have it all together...

The mind is funny thing, at least mine is... I honestly don't believe in living in the past, it can't take me into the future, it will only bring more sadness, trying to figure out why some things didn't work out as I had hoped for and planned. Am I still sad about the disappoints and losses, I won't lie, I am... but allowing myself to crumble because of a person, an incident, a failed dream or a challenge will never bring me joy either.  Reflections can be a good thing from time to time... they can be reminders of how far I have come...
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Christmas This Year

Our Christmas tree, 2014

I have had another busy week at work, thankfully I had a little time to decorate the tree with Valentina... I completed my shopping, now baking and wrapping. I am thinking of begging someone else to do the wrapping as I don't have a fondness for it, I am usually wrapping on Christmas eve. I might actually have it all done by this weekend, that would be great, then I can just relax and enjoy my time off.

I read a couple of blogs that were writing about their goals for 2015, which has inspired me to think about the goals I want to set for myself. I don't care much for New Year's resolutions as I think the day we decided to change a behavior or do something good for ourselves is the right day for us. I also know from past experience that there are going to be many bumps on the road to my goals but it is the road I want to travel, so I will deal with the bumps as they show up.

I wanted to also take a moment to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas or any holiday you may observe... I wish you all much joy and happiness. I have been deeply touched by many of you over the last year as I dealt with my world being turned upside down, you reached out and gave me a little hope that one day it wouldn't be so difficult.

I won't be writing again until after Christmas, I want to spend as much time as I can with Valentina making memories, I am excited to see the look on her face when she opens her gifts. I never spend a lot of money but she is one of the most grateful little girls and this year I was able to get a few items she had been hoping for. . .  so I know she will be a little more excited this year.

My tree turned out beautiful after a small mishap... the first time we decorated, it fell over... it's back up though and all redecorated, I will share more of them on my media when Valentina is unwrapping her gifts. I will be back after Christmas but I will be checking in with you all when I can before that...

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Opening My Heart To Trust

I have had an extremely busy weekend, I bought our real tree, we have it up with all the lights on it and we are decorating it tomorrow, I will be posting it on my social media. It is a really pretty tree and has a wonderful pine scent. I did a lot of shopping, just a few more items to get and I had general house hold items to keep up with...

I was able to catch up with a little of my reading and I read some really amazing posts, this particular blog stood out this week. Mainly because this weekend is the three year anniversary since 'he' came to Halifax and spent Christmas and New Years with me. Today I am in a better place than I was a year ago and for that I am completely grateful... I have new challenges and that is okay... it's the only way to grow.

So, I read this and it resonated with me because it was definitely how I felt about trusting anyone again. I had jumped in with both feet with 'him', not fearing where I would land and even when it didn't work out romantically, I never believed we would not  be friends... yet that happened...

Here is what S wrote from her blog .As Far As The Eye Can See .. the title is the damage is done. It made me think hard about broken trust and how it changes us ... I was there a short year ago, wondering if I would ever be able to trust anyone again. I never let myself get too excited about dating, if a guy called, he called... if he didn't he didn't. I have dated a few guys but no one special, after reading this, I knew why... I had lost my desire to trust and I didn't expect it from anyone anymore.

the damage is done.

i don't take promises from anyone anymore
that is what you did to me.
i do not look expectantly at my

phone
when someone tells me they'll call
then decide they won't.
and when people come to me with wide eyes and excited smiles
i turn away.
i do not memorize what it's like
to touch a body with just the tips of my fingers.
i remember what it was to train my mind to forget
what skin feels like, traced over
on mornings
half asleep.
and that is enough
to not hold on to promised words
from promising lips
any longer.
S.

Although this resonated with me as this was exactly how had been feeling, I wasn't able to verbalize it until I read this... I also took this as an opportunity to remember that if I truly want to feel joy, I am going to have to learn to trust again. I am going to have to take a chance. For the first time in a very long time, I want to try again... this time I will expect more and I will open my heart to trust.

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A Letter To My Mother

The main thing that stood out for me while I was studying was the feeling I had to write a letter to my mother, my mom passed away in February 2009. I had been very close to her over the years, I didn't grow up with her from the age of six until I was fifteen but she and I became extremely close ... the year before she died we didn't talk as much as we used as life kept us both very busy and we were on opposite sides of North America. I was in Halifax, she was in Salem.

Lately I wish I could talk to her, she of all people I know would have understood what I was going through... I remember when I met her at the age of fifteen and we connected, she answered so many questions that I had.  I was able to hear the stories from when I was younger ... what I remember the most was how much she loved my father, how her eyes lit up and how happy she was... 

I also remember when things didn't work out for them a couple of years later and how very devastated she was, thinking back it breaks my heart. She was only 47 when they separated but she decided at that time to never date again and she didn't. She never stopped loving my father though and there was even a time that my parents talked about getting back together but my mother had come to a point that she wanted everything on her terms, my father wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and they went their separate ways.

I love my mother ... at the time I thought why didn't she bend a little to have what she always wanted? Today I understood, today I realized she had known her worth and that anything less then her terms would have been settling. The only thing I will do differently is that I am willing to give someone else a chance, not every man is out to break my heart. There are honest, kind caring men ... not all men lie.

You know what I remember the most about my mom... was that she didn't talk badly about other people. My dad gave her good excuse over the years but she never talked poorly of him, this was the way she was with the people in her life. I do aspire to be that way with the people in my life too. It is not always easy when someone hurts us, however; the alternative wouldn't bring peace either. I am grateful I have learned that quality from my mother. 

I missed all of you, when I could read I kept up that way but I did take a lot of time to study and prepare for my test... which I passed, I was thrilled as you can all imagine.  I had thought about diving in and taking my next course but I have decided that I will do that one in the Spring. It is pretty intense being a mama, working and taking a course... it left me very little time for me. The whole time I was off studying, all I wanted to do was write... I had some really inspiring moments. 

I will be by to visit you all over the next couple of days, I can't wait to catch up. I also wanted to thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers... this is an emotional time for me as it is for many people but I am not going to wallow in the sadness, I am going to immerse myself in the good parts of this season and keep myself busy by giving. By this time next week, I will have my tree up and decorated... I am really looking forward to Christmas this year...

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A Year From Now

The next few weeks are going to be insanely busy for me, I have my final exam I am taking in less then three weeks, so I will be studying every night until the final. I am still going to take a little time for myself to read blogs but I probably won't be able to comment as much as usual or write another post until then. I hope you all understand, once the exam is over I will be back to normal.

It's good though as the next few weeks are full of memory dates that hopefully I will be to busy to even notice any of them. Then as soon as I am finished the exam, I will be going full force with decorating my house and getting my first real Christmas tree in over twenty years. I am kind of excited, I had stopped getting real ones because I didn't want to worry about having to purchase a tree every year... this year I decided it was worth the extra effort to really go all out and make this year special. 

Valentina and I have been making plans of what we want to bake ... we are also making a list of people we want to deliver the treats to, we plan to take a few days around Christmas to drop over and visit people and give them a little special treat we made together. Valentina is very excited and I am too, I need to do something for other people so that I won't be thinking about myself and the dates filled with memories.

Usually I have Christmas dinner at home with Valentina but my sister has invited us over to her place with my niece and nephew and their families. I was so thrilled when she asked us to come over; first, I get to spend the holidays with my family and second I don't have to cook. By next year we will be moved as that is high on my list of priorities this summer, then hopefully I can host a Christmas dinner at my new place next year.

I am making the changes I need to make so that my holidays won't be the sad reminders they have been for the past couple of years.... I have known logically that I needed to make changes, I just didn't have what it took to make them... until now. I wish I had made them earlier but at least I am making the decision today...

I am not going to beat myself up for not deciding this earlier as feeling guilty won't change the past, it will only leave me feeling defeated and sad... as Maya Angelou said...  When you know better... you do better..

I've been thinking about how I finally made the decision to lose the weight, I had decided that I didn't want to be in the same place a year from then... It's the same thing here... in a year from now, I don't want to be thinking about the past memories of what ifs...  I want to be planning a wonderful Christmas without any sad memories taking over... Making new memories today will help me succeed even better next year...

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First Sleep, Then Dream

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

So, I finally have a pill that let me get some sleep last night, however; I will not be able to take a full one on work nights.  I woke up twice through the night but I was so tired both times that I fell right back to sleep.  I slept until nine am and I was in bed by ten pm, so it was a fairly decent sleep... unfortunately it left me feeling sleepy past lunch and I was not able to accomplish what I had hoped, oh well, at least I got some much needed sleep.  I can talk a lot at the best of times but look out when I haven't had sleep, I could talk your ear off then but I lose my train of thought easily too.

I am going to bed early tonight and take a whole one, it will be great to have two nights in a row... normally I am lucky to get one decent night per week.  Hence why I have been trying lots of ways to sleep.  I miss how I used to crawl into bed, have a few thoughts and then fall asleep for the whole night.... Those days are truly missed by me, that was before I felt like I have too many balls in the air and juggling them feels like they are becoming near impossible.  Being a single mama is tough, I feel like I let my child down because I am gone early in the morning, I get home late at night, I don't sleep so I am overly tired.

The whole thing is beyond hard, I know two parent families that have a rough time, doing it all by myself, every single day is overwhelming.  I am hoping that I will be able to continue to get some much needed sleep for a while, which will help me to feel more rested and then I will be more available.  That and if I could just resolve a few issues in my life, I am sure that would free up a couple of the balls I have in the air... I know this would help me to able to breathe a little easier.

Also, I lost my bus pass, so I had to dig down and buy bus tickets to get back and forth to work for the rest of the month. That means no Game Center, I will be walking outside for the rest of the month to have my exercise.  I am sure I will raise my speed by walking outside in this cold, I will want to get home quickly... I think I will take to walking to the bridge in the morning again, that was a great 40-45 minute walk for me and got my heart rate up.

I have to be creative when I have no extra money to get to the gym, especially before Christmas. Luckily for me, I only have a couple of people I buy for, Valentina and Jackson. As well, Valentina is pretty grateful for whatever she gets, she is easy to please and not to highly demanding. For this I am thankful, it is still going to be hard ... I will figure out some way though.  I think we should get our tree up the first week in December, so we can enjoy it for the whole month. 

Christmas and New Years are very difficult for me, it is a reminder of dreams.  I am just going to have to immerse myself in it this year, maybe I will be too busy to remember.  I hope one day I will be too busy to remember, I don't want the holidays to be hard forever, I want to be able to enjoy them again.  I am sure I will figure out a way to turn this around, I always do... somehow.

It's Christmas Eve 2012

It's Christmas Eve 2012 and frankly I don't think I can be much sadder than I am right now.  I know, not the most uplifting thing to post but it's the reason I haven't written lately because I didn't want to have a sad post.  Especially this time of year, I should be happy... I should be filled with joy... I should be excited.  I am none of these, I am sad, I am disappointed, I am lost and I am lonely.

I am trying hard to keep it together for my youngest daughter Valentina she deserves to have a happy Christmas and she doesn't need to remember it with me crying because I can't keep it together.  I have done everything I can to not wallow in the sadness, I just need to get through to the new year; if I can get through to there without breaking down completely, Cindy can take her for a week until I can get myself together.

I have started writing this four times in the past few days, I always back out at the end because I want to be positive but I feel like if I don't get all these feelings out, they will consume me and I won't be able to write until I say what's in my heart.  Do you know what the saddest thing about this whole thing is that I'm almost afraid to write it because of what I may lose.

I have not been coping well, I think every other day how easy it would be to go back to how I was dealing with the pain before... it was certainly easier to cover it all than to deal with it.  Dealing with it makes me very sad, one year ago I was the happiest person I knew; I was on cloud nine, nothing could reach me.  I smiled and laughed so much... I was planning my future, I had one to plan then.  Today I just have broken dreams... one's I have tried to patch together in this past year but I have failed.

Last night my little one offered the prayer at bedtime, I was pleasantly surprised, she had said it the night before and we usually take turns.  The prayer she said was from the heart and it made me cry, cry because she has the same dream I have and it's bad enough that mine is broken but I didn't want hers broken too...

I went on that high flying ride last year and took her with me, I never doubted for one minute that I had a future with my 'D' or I never would have allowed Valentina to be hopeful about it, I would have taken a let's see how it goes and then making plans.  Neither I nor my 'D' took a let's wait and see, we were both over the moon and insanely crazy for each other that neither of us thought what this could do to a little girl who has already dealt with too much loss in her very young life.

I am angry at myself, I am disappointed that I didn't think more about what this could do to Valentina, mostly I cannot believe that I didn't even entertain the thought that it might not work out.... namely because there was and is no tangible reason.  After Christmas I am going to have to sit down and break my little girls heart and she and I are going to have to move on from this, I just hope she will be able to trust again one day, I am not sure about me.

So on this Christmas Eve 2012, I am trying to look forward to the future... wondering if I will be right and writing this post changes my life in ways I am not sure I am ready for.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield