I can finally sit down and write, this past week has been incredibly busy and draining. Work is work, I have so little to say about it, it has changed and not for the good but I go there every day so that I can collect a pay check... not a fun reason but a needed one for now. Then I came home one night after a two hour trip on the bus as we had our first snowfall this year, it usually takes me about ninety minutes... I sat down to unwind and when I looked down, I saw a flea.
I freaked out as this is disconcerting to me, my poor sweet kitty is an indoor cat and I do not have carpet here, I called the vet, found I would have to de-flea my whole house which is what I did all day today. I washed everything... sixteen loads of laundry. Vacuumed, swept and mopped... then sprayed. I am literally exhausted but all I could think about all day was sitting down and writing as I have had a great deal on my mind.
First, I want to tell you, I am still walking whenever it is possible and luckily for me the weather has been good enough if a bit cold... however; I find the minute I get walking, I warm up really quick and actually sweat easily... the cold air cools me down quickly. So, for the most part I am actually enjoying walking in the cold, other than a few patches of ice here and there, I have to be super careful.
I am also working on other aspects of my life, one of them is not numbing myself when the pain becomes unbearable, which is does on many occasions throughout the day. I am not sleeping many hours again which is driving me a bit crazy. I cannot think about going through another nine months of basically napping, however; I cannot numb myself just so I can sleep. I spent the better part of the last six to eight months doing whatever I could so that I did not have to feel; just so that I could sleep.
That didn't get me anywhere, I am still having to deal with the same issues... I just prolonged it by putting it away, thinking it would just go away eventually... of course it never just goes away, it is always there beneath the surface, begging to be dealt with. On Christmas day I had some shocking news that put me into a tail spin and I didn't talk about it with anyone. Then I reached out to a very good friend who I have come to know in Australia, we chat back and forth via Twitter almost daily. I talked about it and cried a lot... she helped me to see that things are not always what they seem.
The incident on Christmas day made me see that I could no longer keep on the way I was going, with numbing my feelings, I also numbed my desire to be better... So, that is when I made the decision to get back on track, start eating healthy, start exercising and really give myself a chance to make the changes I needed to make. Were any of them easy? No! Does it get easier with time? Not yet but I have hope that it will. Regardless of whether it gets easier, I am on this path for good now, no amount of numbing helped me, I think it's time to deal with it head on.
So, saying all this, I wanted to tell you about an 'aha' moment I had today. I was thinking about where I was in my life and where I might have been (I know, don't look back ... but I am one of those people who knows it helps me to see how far I have come)... I remember thinking a few years ago that my life was coming together and finally everything would be settled but that wasn't true... I now know this because I can see things that I was not able to see before... I might have a long and emotional road to travel and I might be alone doing it... however; I would not have been able to deal with the road I may have taken as it was just a road of promises without commitment... and that is just not me, I want the whole thing and nothing less will be good enough. I am not some women, I won't settle.
Follow along!
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