I wanted to quickly catch you up with my course, my mid term is in 11
days, so I probably won't be writing again until then unless I can carve
out a little time and I may not be able to comment as much as I want. I
really need to buckle down and study, this course is very important to
me, it opens doors to my future and we all need options.
I have been thinking about what it takes to move on, it takes a huge shift on the inside that can be extremely painful at times. For me I know deep down that it is what I need to do to be able to move on. It's almost like going through the stages of grief, unfortunately it isn't like going from one step to the next, sometimes it is taking two steps back.
Most days I am on a great path and I am happy and grateful for that. I had a lot to come to terms with because promises that were made were broken. I went from a high that was almost unnatural (now that I look back) to a low that I had never seen before... I think I had a fairy tale image of things and people but since life is not a fairy tale, nor is it meant to be ... reality hit that I brushed away incidents with flimsy excuses.
The reason this all comes up is that I put a new app on my phone last month that I hesitated to add. However; I did... it's called Time hop, it collects all your data and shows you what you posted 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 years ago each day from various social media. I know there are dates coming up that are not great reminders for me but I have enjoyed some really good memories too, so I decided it was worth the trip down memory lane.
Saying all this, I can see daily more clearly what I was unable to or refusing to see. I wasn't completely pleased as is usually the case, it is hard to see your mistakes or blindness to people or situations. It has taught me a great lesson though, people are rarely who they portray themselves to be but I also refuse to judge anyone by the people from my past.
I also believe that there are sweet, kind and honest men ... I won't accept less since I am willing to give the same and more. I didn't want to become that older woman who is bitter because she was hurt so deeply. Thankfully I am not a person that can be bitter or vindictive, that is just not how I am designed. I am the eternal optimist that believes anything is possible... some things just take a little more time.
I'm probably being mean to myself writing this post since I'm already crying and I have barely started writing it. Today it has been one year since David came home for Christmas.
I remember waking up early that morning, I wanted a nice long shower so I could try to relax a little. My 'D' was flying home to his daughter Stephanie, his mom and me. I'd only known for sure he was coming for maybe 3 days before. I remembered lingering under the hot shower, smiling and thinking how I'd never felt so happy in such a long time.
I had to work that day but David and I kept in close contact through texting. I knew when he arrived and left Toronto and when he finally landed in Halifax. I was no good at work that day, especially after my 'D' texted me to come downstairs. He was standing there with a dozen red roses; I hugged him and I didn't want to let him go. It felt as wonderful as I dreamed to hold him close to me.
I had to go back to work after that, I was totally unable to concentrate. I was smiling so much my face was actually starting to hurt a little. All I could focus on was that David was here, he was picking me up after work, I was going to be able to kiss him after 33 years of daydreaming about it.
It was FINALLY 5:30 and time for me to see David, actually talk face to face, be able to kiss, hold hands, look in each others eyes. We giggled when I got in the car, I know we were both SO happy this day had arrived. I could barely wait to kiss him, I knew I wasn't going to wait a minute longer.
I just knew the kiss would be amazing, it was better than every day dream I'd ever had. It was one of those kisses that gives you butterflies in your belly, weakens your knees and makes you sigh. Those are few and hard to come by in life, being compatible with kissing is not always easy to find. I did not have to worry that kiss did not disappoint in the least.
We tried to go out for dinner, instead we went shopping and giggled like teenagers. I'd be on one side of the store and I'd look across the room, he'd flash me one of his beautiful smiles and I would melt a little more. We held hands and played with each others fingers, smiling... we were both so ecstatic.
We came home and we just stood in my hall hugging, it felt like a dream; one I was afraid I would wake up from. It was real though, I had never felt such joy being so close to David that night in my hall, my 'D' has big arms that make me feel so safe and I rested my head on his chest and heard/felt his heartbeat.
He and I had talked closely for nearly 2 months before this day had finally arrived; it all felt so surreal. That day my fantasy met my reality and for once in my life my reality was SO much better than my fantasy.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I had an amazing thought last night, a light bulb moment if you will, where I got an answer I've been perplexed by for a long time. So here's what happened, I have a new blog reader who is very sweet and comments often. She commented on one of my older blogs 'My One And Only'. She said how some loves were meant to be and would find a way to come full circle. I commented back that mine would not have that fairy tale ending and while the comment I sent back was nice enough, I was disappointed to say my fairy tale wouldn't have a happy ending.
Next I was listening to the song 'It Feels Like Home' and I was crying but suddenly listening to the words made me think differently about them and the song actually makes me smile now. I used to feel like it was a song of loss for me but now I feel it is a song of hope. I felt like I was never going to be able to enjoy it again without sobbing. Than I realized I was thinking of it the wrong way, it's not a sad song at all, it's a romantic love song that gives hope.
This all lead me to my light bulb moment and to think about how important it is to forgive yourself and each other, not to mention giving ourselves a break. You're probably wondering how I got to here from there. So, it all ties together for me because I have been holding onto disappointment that I need to forgive myself for and move on. The song reminded me that just because things aren't the way I want them to be, doesn't mean that things aren't the way they should be. I want to forgive myself for holding onto dreams, disappointments and sadness. I want to celebrate that time, I have wonderful memories, ones that can never be taken away. I feel grateful, grateful that I can see the blessing of forgiving me and freeing myself from those feelings.
I've had to forgive people along the way, some more difficult than others. The hardest ones are the people closest to you. It's not even people like my ex step mother Ruth or my ex husband Andrey (I have forgiven them, they hold no power over me). It's forgiveness for people I care about that matters. Tonight I realized there is nothing that two people cannot overcome if they care enough about each other, those people are the ones that make me feel like I am home when I am with them.
I also realized that some things just don't work out, it's okay, that doesn't mean I should value myself any less. So, another forgiveness to myself is due to my not loving or valuing myself enough. Which is foolish, I need to remember that I deserve the best; not someone who can't be committed to me 100 percent, like I would be with them. I forgive myself for de valuing me. I forgive myself for believing for one minute that anyone had/has the power to make me happy. I am the only one who can do that!
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
How am I supposed to carry on? That question haunts me daily. I feel paralyzed, stuck in the mud, not able to move. Each step I try to take is full of resistance.
I read a great blog today Gail's Fourm about moving through the forest even when we are afraid. Like the writer, I have come to the edge of the forest, just to peer into it, sometimes I have even gone half way in, only to run back to what I perceived as safe. My so called safety has not served me well, instead I have stagnated and fallen further back, only to fail more than if I had just taken the chance and gone through the unfamiliar woods.
The question I have for myself is will I continue to be afraid? Or will I grow and move forward? I know what path I want and need to choose. Can I do it without failing miserably again? I don't think fear is bad, it tries to keep us safe. Unfortunately when it is at its worst is when I never move one inch forward because I am so scared.... when will I grow if I don't take a chance?
Maybe if I accept that I might fail and just keep moving forward. Eventually I'll get to the other side and succeed. Isn't this all we really want, to just get through the loss, the grief, the sadness, the pain... whatever it is that holds us back from being who we are meant to be. Really, isn't there something better if we keep moving forward, I have to believe that there is or there would be no reason to live this life.
I still believe in love, I don't believe in fairy tale endings anymore though. They don't exist. Not that fairy tales are bad things, we all should have fun and believe in them when we are children but the reality is that relationships take hard word, they are never easy. There are times you grow apart, it depends on how much you love the other person if you are to grow together again. Some you hold onto, others you let go because you know they were never worth it in the beginning. The ones you hold onto are the ones that come but once or twice in a life time.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I took some time this morning to listen to some of my favorite songs, what did I choose to listen to? Of course I pick songs that always make me feel something. Those songs that bring up memories.
These are not always the best choice for me, this morning they were good memories though. I LOVE the movie 'The Notebook', especially the song 'Feels Like Home'. It's exactly how I felt about my 'D' when we finally saw each other.
I felt whole and like all my world had come together and I was complete. It was such a wonderful and happy time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't regret it now. I thought for awhile it wasn't worth it, when I thought I'd lost David completely.
That's when I really knew that I loved him with my whole entire heart and soul. I loved him enough to just be friends with him. I want him to be happy, really happy.
The truth is that if you really love someone, you would only want them to be happy. I would want nothing less than the best for my 'D'. He's a very good and kind man, just as he was as a boy when I met him at 15.
Sure I really believe that my 'D' lost the best woman for him, me:). I would be a selfish and mean person if I wished anything but the best for David. I'm neither mean or selfish, we just had the fairy tale without the ending.
That's okay though, there's still time for a fairy tale ending for me, someday.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
I had a dream last night, a lovely dream; one I didn't want to wake up from. I even woke up with a smile on my face than it all came back to me that the dream was just that, a dream. I wanted to go back to sleep to continue it but off to work I go...
In my dream I somehow woke up when I was 14 and I knew all that I know now but it was like I was given a chance to start all over again. A chance to make it right, too bad I couldn't go back with the knowledge I have now. I definitely would have been able to deal with my ex step mother better, I wouldn't have allowed her to get into my head with her negative words as I did when I was younger.
I know, it's probably better that I can't go back or I could really make changes that ultimately might not be better for me... maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be the strong person I am today without all the really traumatic incidents. Perhaps I may not have learned tolerance and compassion as well, I somehow think I would have discovered this anyway as this is who I am.
For a moment I thought I wouldn't want to change the past for I may not have my children but I honestly believe you have the children you are destined to have regardless of the path you choose. Of course they may not look the way they do now but I believe I would have had their spirits as I was meant to be their mother.
This is all irrelevant anyhow... we cannot go back into the past, that is just a fantasy. I did however enjoy it immensely while I slept, it felt so real. Back to reality now... have I learned anything from my dream? Yes! A great deal more than I can even convey...
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
My sister and I talked last night, she sees things in black and white, life is a mixture of those colors with a lot of greys in it as well. I think when you see something one way only, you miss out on so much that life has to offer.
So my sister told me she thought I had been crazy to ever think David and I ever could have worked out, she feels some things are better left in the past. She thought I'd held a torch for him for 34 years. Far from it, David was a crush; I never thought for one minute we would have a relationship, that was a daydream fantasy.
I was quite content to just have him in my life as a friend. I never pursued a romance, David did, he opened the door. Of course I took the chance to fulfill a fantasy, why wouldn't I? When we close our hearts and minds to possibilities, we close our minds to love.
Then my oldest daughter told me that David and I could never go back and undo the damage we did to our friendship. She thinks I will be in limbo and never move on, always hoping that he and I will be together.
I would give up that long term fairy tale so that I could just be best friends with David. I don't regret us trying but I miss my friend, he's the only one who seems to center me and help me to stop spinning out of control.
I need that right now, so many things are spinning out of control but I know right now that his son Chris is his focus right, it can be no other way, David is a dad first, last and always. I'll be patient as difficult as that is for me.
I read this quote this morning:
Happiness is when your heart, mind and soul are aligned in action. ~ Ruchira Agrawal
This resonated with me, I know I'm not aligned yet, I'm working on it.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
What are we capable of? Why are we so sure we know what we ourselves are capable of? We expect the least amount from ourselves, we say it's too hard, too long and haven't we failed many times before??
How about we live up to our potential and prove to ourselves that for once we deserve to believe in ourselves. I'll take the giant leap first, I believe we all deserve to succeed just as much as the next person.
What are you truly capable of if you really believe in yourself? Can you lose the weight you need to lose? Can you get the job you want? What is it that you want? I believe in myself, I've seen that I would be close to succeeding then I would do something to expect less, then I would get less.
It all comes back to getting exactly what you expect. I have not expected to get the fairytale ending... hence I have not attained it. After last week, I really started to believe that the fairytale ending can and will happen for me. Then I heard one thing that made it very possible and then a second thing that made it even more possible. It is only a matter of time, all I ever had to do was believe.
I probably won't be posting until late Thursday or early Friday. I'm going to spend the next few days studying for my CPA course. It depends on how motivated I am to blog with all the studying I have to do. I can't wait to be free from this CPA course, then I can concentrate on my blog. Plus I can hardly wait to catch up on other peoples blogs. I miss so many of you guys, I cannot even just name a few, I think there is at least 50 blogs that I follow regularly and another 15-20 that are sporadic. I am excited to see how everyone is doing.
"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield
All day I have been thinking about what I want/need to write about today. I keep coming back to this since every thought is about you and every song is there to remind me of you. I have truly loved very few people in my life, for a reason... I have been hurt when I have loved. You were right when you told me that I gave permission for people to hurt me and I am taking back that power now. It is not okay to hurt me anymore, I deserve better... I deserve love.
I sit here thinking why did I ever give that power to anyone? What was it about me that made me feel less than what I am? Until you came along and showed me that I deserved more, I didn't believe it... So I finally believed I deserved the best and that was you, then all of that came crashing down on me too. although you love me, you don't love me the way I love you. How is it that I finally learned to love myself and then I lose you? I have been waiting my whole life to have someone make me feel as special and as wonderful as you have made me feel.
Not once did I ever feel demeaned by you, you always made me feel special and beautiful. It's exactly what I have always wanted and needed in my life, you have been all that I have ever desired or wanted. The only good thing about this is that you still want to be a part of my life, still want to be as close to me as you are now. Sometimes it is so hard to have you there part way but I couldn't imagine not having you there at all. That would break my heart beyond repair.
I know you will always be there for me as I will always be there for you... Always!!! Like I have told you on many occasions and I really mean it, I cannot stop loving you just because... I am not built like that. When I love, it's from my soul... it's not something that I can just stop. Just as I know I cannot change that you don't love me the same way, that will have to be okay for I would rather have you in my life in small ways than in no way.
Why did you have to be so wonderful and so easy to love, it would be easier for me if you were a jerk like most men... but that is not your way. I find it hard to believe anyone could walk away from you, they are foolish and they don't deserve you. You deserve someone who knows how amazing and wonderful you are, just as I deserve the same things. We both accepted less in the past, maybe you were there for me to know that and maybe I am there for you to learn that too.
Whatever happens in the future, no one and I mean no one will ever love you as much as I do... remember that forever.
Why I love you Baby
You know all there is know about me
and yet you
never hold any of it against me.
You helped me see the divine potential
inside myself,
that I was unable to see.
There is only kindess, gentleness,
honesty and an
open heart with us. I feel like we are
soul mates,
we understand each other totally.
I love you with my mind, my body, my
heart and my soul
