I Am Open To Love

I had a busy week like everyone else... it seems like time flies by quicker and quicker, first and foremost I am almost feeling 100% physically except for the feeling of having NO stamina. It feels like when I first started losing weight, I started out with 10-15 minute walks... I do have better speed than when I first began but I'm so far behind where I used to be. It's frustrating, however; I also know what I am capable of so all I have to do is start again... now if the weather would cooperate.

I have had one of those reflecting weeks, due to the fact that there were a numerous amount of blogs that I read that seemed to be about one theme... apparently something I needed to hear.  You know when you keep hearing the same thing, idea or thought... which then makes you question it? At first I didn't think much about it, however; the next one would come along, then another... by the fourth one I was no longer ignoring the message, I was thinking about it... 

It was about letting love into my life again, all I kept thinking was why? I even commented that I honestly didn't think love was worth it ultimately, at least not for me... I remember before 'him' I had been opened to love even though I had been hurt many times... I still believed it was possible. Then when it looked like everything was working out with us, I kept thinking this is why I had to go through all those bad relationships... It had all made sense... But when he and I didn't work out... I couldn't get to the point that I thought love was worth it again... 

How could it be? I would have to make sense of us not working out... and nothing made sense. It was then that I decided not to open up to anyone else, I still had him as a friend... I reasoned that was enough... at least I wouldn't have to be hurt again. Then the unthinkable happened, we stopped being friends... almost overnight. I questioned everything and I closed myself off then and there... I didn't even realize that I had done it, not right away... but as time went on, I understood that I did it to protect myself. I could not see how I would ever be able to handle another heart break... 

After a year or so, I thought I was ready to date... I went out with a few guys... no one special by any means, all very forgettable... I wasn't about to open up and give my heart to anyone and so I used the excuse that I was unable to meet anyone that I could feel excited about so I closed down even more. I had the right didn't I? I believed I did. Hadn't I been hurt even more than I thought possible? Why would I ever want to give anyone the chance to do that to me again?

I wrote about how I knew my worth and truthfully I do... also about how I thought I was ready to love again... deep down I didn't believe that, in my heart I knew I was unable to open it... I had been hurt many times in my life but that last one was so much more worse than I ever thought possible.... What I read this week reminded me that of course I am not the only one who has suffered heart ache, nor the only one who has been lied to... or betrayed. Knowing this I was aware that I could no longer use this as an excuse not to be open to love... 

I'm not looking for it but I'm not closing off to it either... I understand it may not happen and honestly I am okay either way... but I will be open to love... who knows...

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My Challenge Of Forgiveness And Growth

I hope I can articulate what is inside me today, what has been inside of me for awhile... I have never been one that is at a loss for words either written or spoken. I have however; held things in when I write because I have felt they would be too raw or too open to say. This last week I have been thinking about forgiveness ... I truly believe that forgiving someone is the only way I can move forward. I came to understand this when I was fifteen years old and started praying that I would no longer have to live with my crazy, psychotic ex step mother Ruth...

For the ten years I was being raised by her I felt hatred for her, I couldn't fathom why she was so demeaning to me and my sisters... then I had a thought or inspiration that I needed to stop hating her because it was only hurting me... That was when I started praying daily for six months, all I really wanted in my heart was not to have to live with her anymore, I didn't wish her bad things, I actually hoped she would be happy one day because I came to know that she was very unhappy with herself... otherwise she would not have been so miserable to everyone around her, especially to three little girls that never did anything to hurt her.

Finally my father had his eyes opened and he left her, I was free and with that a load was removed from my shoulders where I could finally say what was in my heart without fear. I went through my life dealing with trials as we all do but always remembering that forgiveness was important for me to move on... I didn't want to hold on to anger or hate because I knew that was only holding me back. I also knew that although I forgave, it didn't mean that I was saying what people had done to me was okay, it just meant I wasn't going to hold on to it and let it destroy me.

This week I realized that there was someone else that I needed to forgive because each time I thought of 'her', I felt anger towards 'her'. I came to understand that 'she' is just insecure with who 'she' is and where 'she' is in her life, if 'she' was secure 'she' would have no need to hurt me. I am forgiving 'her' today and I will no longer think of 'her', other than to wish 'her' happiness... I don't want 'her' drama in my life anymore and I hope 'she' will finally move on from me. Truthfully, 'she' has hurt me more than anyone I know, there is nothing else 'she' can do to hurt me. I survived all the lies and pain she dealt me in the last year and a half and actually I thrived... I am better for what I went through, I am stronger and I have come to love myself even more. Hopefully one day 'she' will come to love herself and know that hurting others is not the way to get there, the only way is by loving yourself.

I need to say one thing here, life is not about getting what we 'think' we deserve, no one deserves more than someone else because of the trials they have gone through. If that were true I would be in an honest and loving relationship right now, for I have had to deal with trials that seemed insurmountable. However; that is not how life works... I deserve as much happiness as the next person and I know that although the challenges I have been dealt with were awful, they were no worse than what other people have dealt with, they are just different. My trials are given to me to help me grow just as others have their challenges given to them to help them to grow.

I believe that growth comes from 'how' we handle the challenges we are given... and not just by getting through them...

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A Promise Is Sweet But A Commitment Is Love

I can finally sit down and write, this past week has been incredibly busy and draining. Work is work, I have so little to say about it, it has changed and not for the good but I go there every day so that I can collect a pay check... not a fun reason but a needed one for now. Then I came home one night after a two hour trip on the bus as we had our first snowfall this year, it usually takes me about ninety minutes... I sat down to unwind and when I looked down, I saw a flea.

I freaked out as this is disconcerting to me, my poor sweet kitty is an indoor cat and I do not have carpet here, I called the vet, found I would have to de-flea my whole house which is what I did all day today. I washed everything... sixteen loads of laundry. Vacuumed, swept and mopped... then sprayed. I am literally exhausted but all I could think about all day was sitting down and writing as I have had a great deal on my mind.

First, I want to tell you, I am still walking whenever it is possible and luckily for me the weather has been good enough if a bit cold... however; I find the minute I get walking, I warm up really quick and actually sweat easily... the cold air cools me down quickly. So, for the most part I am actually enjoying walking in the cold, other than a few patches of ice here and there, I have to be super careful.

I am also working on other aspects of my life, one of them is not numbing myself when the pain becomes unbearable, which is does on many occasions throughout the day. I am not sleeping many hours again which is driving me a bit crazy. I cannot think about going through another nine months of basically napping, however; I cannot numb myself just so I can sleep. I spent the better part of the last six to eight months doing whatever I could so that I did not have to feel; just so that I could sleep.

That didn't get me anywhere, I am still having to deal with the same issues... I just prolonged it by putting it away, thinking it would just go away eventually... of course it never just goes away, it is always there beneath the surface, begging to be dealt with. On Christmas day I had some shocking news that put me into a tail spin and I didn't talk about it with anyone. Then I reached out to a very good friend who I have come to know in Australia, we chat back and forth via Twitter almost daily. I talked about it and cried a lot... she helped me to see that things are not always what they seem.


The incident on Christmas day made me see that I could no longer keep on the way I was going, with numbing my feelings, I also numbed my desire to be better... So, that is when I made the decision to get back on track, start eating healthy, start exercising and really give myself a chance to make the changes I needed to make. Were any of them easy? No! Does it get easier with time? Not yet but I have hope that it will. Regardless of whether it gets easier, I am on this path for good now, no amount of numbing helped me, I think it's time to deal with it head on.

So, saying all this, I wanted to tell you about an 'aha' moment I had today. I was thinking about where I was in my life and where I might have been (I know, don't look back ... but I am one of those people who knows it helps me to see how far I have come)... I remember thinking a few years ago that my life was coming together and finally everything would be settled but that wasn't true... I now know this because I can see things that I was not able to see before... I might have a long and emotional road to travel and I might be alone doing it... however; I would not have been able to deal with the road I may have taken as it was just a road of promises without commitment... and that is just not me, I want the whole thing and nothing less will be good enough. I am not some women, I won't settle.

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The Lessons Of Memory Lane

I wanted to quickly catch you up with my course, my mid term is in 11 days, so I probably won't be writing again until then unless I can carve out a little time and I may not be able to comment as much as I want. I really need to buckle down and study, this course is very important to me, it opens doors to my future and we all need options.

I have been thinking about what it takes to move on, it takes a huge shift on the inside that can be extremely painful at times. For me I know deep down that it is what I need to do to be able to move on. It's almost like going through the stages of grief, unfortunately it isn't like going from one step to the next, sometimes it is taking two steps back.

Most days I am on a great path and I am happy and grateful for that. I had a lot to come to terms with because promises that were made were broken. I went from a high that was almost unnatural (now that I look back) to a low that I had never seen before... I think I had a fairy tale image of things and people but since life is not a fairy tale, nor is it meant to be ... reality hit that I brushed away incidents with flimsy excuses.

The reason this all comes up is that I put a new app on my phone last month that I hesitated to add. However; I did... it's called Time hop, it collects all your data and shows you what you posted 1, 2, 3 , 4, 5 years ago each day from various social media. I know there are dates coming up that are not great reminders for me but I have enjoyed some really good memories too, so I decided it was worth the trip down memory lane.

Saying all this, I can see daily more clearly what I was unable to or refusing to see. I wasn't completely pleased as is usually the case, it is hard to see your mistakes or blindness to people or situations. It has taught me a great lesson though, people are rarely who they portray themselves to be but I also refuse to judge anyone by the people from my past.

I also believe that there are sweet, kind and honest men ... I won't accept less since I am willing to give the same and more. I didn't want to become that older woman who is bitter because she was hurt so deeply. Thankfully I am not a person that can be bitter or vindictive, that is just not how I am designed. I am the eternal optimist that believes anything is possible... some things just take a little more time.

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The Lies We Tell Ourselves‏ Are The Worst Ones

I've been thinking about how wrong I was about so many things and so many people... I think it's why I don't want to trust myself anymore; because although people have lied to me over the years... the worst lies are the ones I've told myself.

I feel I was lied to... I feel betrayed... I don't know how I could feel less.  I asked the hard questions and I was told lies... lies to make me feel better at the time.  It would have been more merciful to be honest from the beginning.

Instead I paddled about holding on to the lies that were told to me... Everything was as it was and I believed the lies over the sad truth that was never told to me.  Now I'm paying the bigger price. Why did I believe the lies?  The words that were meant to make things better? ... not for me... they made things worse... just as lies always do.

I'm not looking for karma for anyone... I unfortunately believe that happens anyway.  I don't want to see the outcome of all the lies, it would actually make me sad to see anyone feel even a small part of my pain. I wish for peace ... I wish for honesty, even if it brings pain... because although honesty can bring sadness and pain... lies destroy us in a much bigger way.

I wanted so badly to lay everything out, I have the written words to prove I was told lies... I wanted to deflect the pain away but I knew that my returning the favor wouldn't bring me peace.  It wouldn't bring peace to anyone... there would just be more pain to deal with. I don't even need to hear that the words were lies... I know they were... I believed them all...  besides I have already forgiven the lies.  Always say the truth, even if you're afraid...Especially say the truth to yourself because the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself...

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