My Silly Insecurities

Since I cannot communicate with David I am feeling the need to write more than ever.  I feel a little lonely and sad which is really silly since I have so many wonderful family and friends in my life.  I am truly lucky and blessed.  I feel a little selfish for feeling lonely and sad; then I remember that I do have the right to feel the way I do.

I guess this all stems back to growing up with my ex step mother Ruth who wouldn't allow us to have feelings.  Really, if we cried she'd tell us that she would give us something to cry about and than she would proceed to follow through.  She was so insecure with herself that she felt the need to tear people down, she especially had no issues with tearing down children and making them feel small.  How very sad was that, that she felt this made her feel better about herself?

I'm glad that I can see her for what she was, a very unhappy and bitter woman who deep down didn't love herself and had no idea how to love another person.  I overcame that with her, I always believed there was better then that.  I believed in love.

When I finally got to meet my mother when I was 15 she told me that I was one of her strongest children.  I stood up for what I wanted and believed in, I always did. There were so many times that Ruth and dad would be close to separating and Ruth would sit us down and ask who we wanted to live with?  I would choose dad every time, which always got me in trouble because they never parted until I was much older.

I'm still glad that I stood up for myself though, it was my way of letting her know she wasn't going to control me forever.  Finally when I was 15 my dad came to his senses and left her. When I walked out that day, I was never going to return even if I had to live on the street. I was free!

Later when I ended up marrying Andrey and feeling trapped, I came to the conclusion that I could care less about things.  All I wanted was to be free of Andrey, I wanted to take Valentina and look after her without his input.  The day that I became free of him (April 3rd, 2009) was one of the best days of my life.

Ever since then I refuse to ever be controlled again, that is not love.  Love is freedom to be yourself and not be ridiculed. David taught me that, I had been floating along for a few years messed up in my way of thinking and he came along and showed me that loving myself and respecting myself was the only way to live truly free.

Once I finally understood that; I changed my way of thinking.  I realize I am a  valuable and wonderful woman who deserves to be loved.  How I wish I could talk to David, is it May 10th yet? LOL.

Waiting is not one of my strong suits.  Part of my worry about not being able to talk to David for so long was that I was afraid he would forget me. Really??  There goes my insecurities, they are even getting old to me. He won't forget me, he's my best and closest friend, he loves me and I love him. We will always be close to each other no matter what happens in the future.

How Do I Learn To Love A Man That Is Only Available To Me?

My sister and I were talking in great depth tonight about why we continually choose unavailable men.  It has to do with how we were raised, being abandoned by our mother who had absolutely no contact with us for 10 years.  When we finally did have contact she had every excuse in the book for not having any contact with us, she tried to justify it with so many reasons.  I forgive my mother, she was in pain, just wanting to be loved and not knowing how to ask for that love. She only raised one child of all the nine children she had, I used to think I would have loved being raised by her, she was cool, understanding, not abusive; my youngest sister was raised by her and now I a realize how lucky I was not to be raised by her.  I am stronger for what I went through, I am independent, my baby sister is not.

Next I was raised by my father and my ex step mother Ruth, she was so incredibly abusive.  She was degrading and hurtful in every way she could be but what my father did was worse, he was there and he was blind to what was going on.  Even worse was my grandmother who knew what was going on but never stood up for us; often what hurts us more is the people who are supposed to love and protect us that turn a blind eye to what is going on for fear that they would have to change. What Ruth did was intolerable but I am free from her and all the degradation, however; as much as I have tried to free myself from how my father dealt with the situation, I continue to choose men that are totally unavailable to me.

I honestly have forgiven my father, my mother and even Ruth... they were all so screwed up and didn't love themselves enough. I want to be better than them, I know that I wouldn't turn a blind eye to my children if they were living in a painful situation.  I would act and change it for them, no matter what it meant changing in my life.  I am glad I did learn a lesson from everything that I dealt with.  Mostly I learned that I am not my past, I can be and I am better than anything I was or dealt with in the past.  I am really a strong and tenacious woman, someone who rebounds continually from difficult and life changing issues.

The only thing I cannot seem to learn is how not to be attracted to unavailable men.  I have come so far in my life, I am independent, I have a great career, I have awesome and amazing friends.  I am a good, kind, loving and wonderful person, I have not allowed the past to define who I am, however; I cannot seem to choose a man who loves only me, who is available to only me.  I have so much to offer the right man, I am faithful, honest, giving, loving, kind... even more I believe that I am deserving of real love.  I never used to believe that but I do now.

How do I learn to love a man that is available to only me?  If I don't learn that lesson I will forever be alone. I am truly hoping that this cleanse will help me to figure this out.  I have been highly emotional and it has only been a couple of days.  I am sure there will be many more times where I will cry and be angry while doing this cleanse but I'm doing it to grow and to figure out what I need to do to change the patterns in my life that no longer serve me.