We Can Be Healed From Our Brokenness

It's been a very long time since I have sat down at my computer to write, I am not even sure why it has taken so long, I think constantly about writing but I had difficulty putting my thoughts into words. I keep thinking about how I have been holding onto anger and disappointment for a long time, I haven't been angry at anyone, more angry with my situation. It leaves me feeling guilty because I am well aware that there are people handling things much more difficult in life than I am. 

I guess I thought my life was headed in another direction, I had worked so hard to be healthy so that I could eventually travel and see all the places I have desired to see. Instead I am semi trapped in my home without the ability to leave when I want to, I have to plan a trip out to the store or the doctors and hope that I can handle it until I can make it home. I am forever grateful that I can work from home, I think about how much worse it could be for me if I wasn't blessed in that way. I count my blessings daily because I know deep down how lucky I am.

I remembered a talk that was given by a member of my church many years ago about how although we may be broken in many ways, physically with our bodies, emotionally with our hearts and often our minds.... these are tests and trials we have to deal with to grow. Growth is never easy, if it was was we wouldn't appreciate it, we would believe it was simple ... I remember when I was in my 20's and my baby sister was dealing with an abusive relationship, you know what I thought... she just needs to leave... I had no empathy.  I was almost angry that she stayed in that situation for as long as she did... Then I met Andrey and I grew to understand how come she stayed... I gained empathy and I knew it was incredibly strong of her to finally leave. With the empathy I gained, I too found the strength to leave. 

Sometimes life throws us curves, ones we don't understand why we have to deal with them... we shut down, hold on to anger, close people out because we feel like no one would understand... we think that people will just say grow up, deal with it... someone has it harder than you do... when all that we need is kindness, empathy and love.  We are all dealing with trials or tests that seem so unbearable we are sure we won't make it through to the other side and once we do, we gain knowledge that we never would have gained without going through it. It's not easy, it's tougher than we know but ultimately what we gain is so much more than what the trial was... 

I think about my mom and dad losing their daughter Kimberly at such a young age, she was a little over three... it nearly destroyed them but my mother came through it stronger and knowing that she would see Kimberly again one day... my father instead was an alcoholic and drug addicted, doing everything he could not to deal with the loss ... he was sad and broken, it took me years to see that, I used to think, why doesn't he just get it together... he didn't know how... I believe both my parents have seen Kimmy once they passed on... 

What all this makes me think about is do I want to live my life, sad... angry... disappointed because it doesn't seem like my life is turning out the way I had hoped and planned? Or do I want to remember that although I feel broken in many ways, I can be healed and still find wonderful things to be happy about and feel blessed for... I may not travel the way I had hoped but I can take the time to know people from those places and learn about their heritage... I am so much more blessed then I tend to remember. Although I have had trials and tests that broke me at times, I have found the meaning and healed .... we can all be healed from our brokenness...

 

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There's No Excuse To Give Up On Me

Time really gets away from you, before you know it, a week or two has gone by and I begin to wonder how it flew by and I had so little to show for it.  I kept planning on blogging and always something would get in the way but when I thought about what that something was, there was nothing that I could put my finger on. It's exactly when I realized I need to schedule time for the things I want to do as well as need to do.  I don't know that I will write weekly as I had hoped but I am going to put more effort into it in the future. 

I don't want a month or two to go by and wonder what I had accomplished... I lost my focus when I got injured and I used it as an excuse to do nothing. When I think about it, I allowed myself to give up on me... I wallowed in the injury and the pain with wondering why me? How come I had to deal with this pain when I had done everything right by eating healthy and exercising almost daily ... What had I done wrong to deserve this trial?  Hadn't I worked hard to get on the right path?  Where was reward for putting in the work?

Then a couple of days ago I was talking to a couple of ladies, lamenting the fact that I had to deal with this pain. We then talked about how many of us held on to anger and pain because we wouldn't allow ourselves to forgive others or ourselves. I found myself talking from the heart about how forgiveness is really the only path, no matter what we have had to deal with. I say this as I have dealt with a great deal of painful trials that I could have sat there and allowed it to take over my life... I knew at the age of 15 that forgiveness was the only way I could ever progress in my life... it was when I started forgiving people for pain they inflicted on me, even if they didn't feel they needed the forgiveness. 

Yet, I found myself angry and disappointed with having to deal with this trial, especially when I felt I had done nothing to bring it on... This was when I begin to think about people who did nothing to bring on catastrophic health issues or people who have lost loved ones due to freak accidents or severe weather. I begin to think about how blessed I was, I have two healthy children, I have a career I love that allows me to work from home and I have overcome one crazy trial after another... gaining strength and knowledge that helped me to grow.  I'm still not sure what I need to learn from this one but I also realized I no longer want to use it as an excuse not to work on becoming a better me. 

For the next few days I took the time to ponder the blessings I gained through trials... which made me think about when I was going through each trial and I was absolutely sure there could not be a good enough reason I had to deal with it... yet each time I got through a trial, I was able to clearly see the reason. I have heard people say that there are certain things they could never forgive, mainly because they believe that people only believe that forgiveness should be given to people who admit that have done something that caused pain and that they promise to never do that again... however; there are many people who will never admit to the pain they caused or feel they need forgiveness... forgiveness is for us, more than it is for anyone else. 

Whether the pain brought on by others or pain from life trials, forgiveness is always the answer.  Otherwise, we are the only ones that held hostage to the pain... never being free.  I had forgot this since I had been injured and not able to walk as I loved to do so much... There are other people going through health issues much worse than mine, life threatening ones. Although I understand we shouldn't measure our trials more or less than others... as what we deal with is real for us... however; I think we need to keep everything is perspective. I am sure I will have to remind myself of this in the future, I am hoping it won't take me as long to remember... I am not the only one dealing with pain and I can't use it as an excuse to give up on myself.

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Thank You From My Heart

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

It feels good to be able to breathe, I was holding my breath for days... I didn't even realize it... not until I got the text message from my David last night.  I actually sighed and I felt myself instantly relax. Tonight he messaged me to let me know he is feeling a bit better, he is sleeping a lot... I told him I had a panic attack yesterday where I couldn't breathe, he asked me why?  I told him it was because I was worried about him... he told me that he didn't want me to worry, he was feeling better just being home. Also, he told me to let everyone know that all the prayers and positive thoughts worked and he is very grateful... I am beyond thankful from my heart. If anyone of you ever need prayers or good thoughts, please do not hesitate to ask me, I would be more than willing to do this for you.

I went to my last physio appointment tonight, at least until the new year as that is when I will have more money to go in again.  She wants me to cut down on the walking a little, she said a 5k isn't too bad but when I walk 5 and 6 miles per day I am putting a little too much stress on my knees.  I am going to listen to her, she knows what she is talking about and besides in about a 2 weeks I will be starting up with Zumba classes which she thinks will be a bit better for me.  I am really looking forward to these as I have heard great things about it from almost everyone I spoke with.  As well, Valentina is getting excited about going out there with me and either swimming or playing basketball... who knows what else she could find to do while she is out there, I think it will be fabulous for both of us to be active together...

Tonight is going to be a short post, I just wanted to catch everyone up and then really get some sleep.  I can actually feel myself becoming relaxed enough to actually fall asleep... it has been well over a week since I had that feeling.  Normally I have laid in bed, tossed and turned and woke up every hour.  I will also catch up with all your blogs tomorrow night since I will just be able to come home and relax.  It feels so good to not be under constant tension, it was a good test for me though, I didn't fall into my old trap and eat unhealthy food like chips and chocolate bars... in fact I continued to eat healthy food.  My sister messaged me last night and said this is a lot of hard work, it is in the beginning... it takes a lot of preparation but once I got a routine down, it was pretty simple.

So thank you all again from my heart, I will write more on the weekend and I will catch up with all your blogs tomorrow night... I am looking forward to what you are all up to.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Nothing Is Going To Stop Me‏

I am so proud of myself... I walked for a total of 75 minutes today... it was for 3.25 miles.  Some of it in the rain... some up a huge hill. I sent up a few prayers of gratitude that I am able to walk, I am blessed.

My Valentina did the hill with me and complained the whole time... I told her too bad, get over it, we are walking.  I finally had to tell her not to talk because I needed all my air to get up the hill.  All I can say is she is in for a rude awakening... we are going to walk whenever possible... we both need to get healthy.

I cannot remember a time I was this dedicated to eating right and exercising.  Usually it is one or the other but hardly ever both together.  I am loving this commitment I have made to myself... I have shown myself I matter... that is the biggest blessing I've learned. 

I'm not hiding my emotions with anything... I was the master of covering them so I didn't have to deal with my issues.  I was great at talking about what I needed to do.. now I'm walking the walk in more ways than one... I am so thrilled with myself.

I am a little over a month from turning 50 [July 23 is the big day]... I am at least 80 pounds over weight and I am not letting it stop me.  There are NO excuses for this girl anymore... I am done crying and being sad about where my life is... I'm changing it right here and now.

A couple of people at work said to tell everyone I'm 49 again... I said heck no... I'm going to be 50 and proud of it... I look darned good for being 50 and I'm not embarrassed to say it. I know some women my age who have let themselves go with not coloring their hair, dated clothing and in general with the way they act.

That will not be me, I'm proud to be turning 50 soon... I had to go through a lot to get here...it doesn't mean I have to look like it... I can be sexy and 50... there's NOTHING wrong with that.

 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Having Gratitude That I Know My Worth

I didn't sleep long last night but I slept well... I even woke up five minutes before the alarm went off, so I felt rested.  Waking up on my own is so much better than having the alarm jar me awake. My whole day starts off on a much better foot when I wake up refreshed and on my own.

My mind is with the families of Oklahoma... the devastation that a tornado can cause in such a very short time is very scary.  I feel for each of these people having to deal with such overwhelming tragedy.  I have dealt with some nasty weather... hurricane Juan in 2003 and white Juan in 2004... neither one of them are anywhere close to what Oklahoma is dealing with and both of those storms stopped our city for days.

I feel blessed to be living in a part of the country that doesn't have the wild weather that other places have... I will put up with my cold winters and complain less, I'm grateful. Lately I have been thinking about gratitude and how thankful I am for my life.  I don't always show enough gratitude... especially when I am handling overwhelming challenges.

Mostly I have been thinking more about gratitude, due to the many blogs I have read in the last little while, where the writer is down on themselves and writing all their negatives about themselves.  I honestly feel sorry for them because I have felt this way myself... I try not to dwell on those attributes, we all have quirks about ourselves that we don't like, I am trying to look for the good things in me and continue to highlight those traits more.

This reminded me about that quote by Albert Einstein below:

I need to remember this more often, I have awesome qualities, things that I am amazing at... some things I am not but I should not put myself down for those things... I should highlight those amazing qualities.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

Happy Tenth Birthday To My Valentina

I can't believe it has been ten years since my Valentina was born... a day when I learned it was possible to love two children with my whole heart but in different ways.

Right from the moment she was born, I was enamored by her as many people have been over the years.  She has a kind and very sweet personality with a beautiful smile.  It's difficult to not be drawn to her, she has that beautiful quality.

Every day I have her in my life I feel beyond blessed... my Heavenly Father knew the personality I could handle... My Valentina is so soft hearted, if she becomes snappy with me.. she apologizes quickly.

Her spirit is so beautiful and she shines from the inside out.  Today the weather was so much like the day she was born, sunny and cool... I'm transported back to that day, remembering how my heart opened so wide once I held her after delivering her.

Happy tenth Birthday to my beautiful baby daughter Valentina.... my life changed in such a good way ten years ago today <3

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Walking That Fine Line

My Valentina is getting to that age where she is wanting a little freedom, I am trying to be a responsible parent and give a little.  I cannot shelter her for the rest of her life like I want to, I can't make all her decisions for her, just so she doesn't have to live with bad choices.  The teenage years are looming quickly, I am not looking forward to them... they were scary enough with Andrea, with Valentina I worry she is too trusting and soft hearted. 

She came to me tonight and asked if she could go to a sleep over to a girl she barely knows, I told her I would think about it because I like time to prepare my answer.  I am not ready for that type of night out yet, if I knew the girl and her family I might be inclined to think differently... however; I am very protective of Valentina and Cindy is even more so.

I do have to give her a little lee way with some choices she wants to make, clothing, make up and nail polish... all of these are not life threatening, so I don't waste anytime arguing about these choices.  I am sure she will learn as she goes along about some of her choices and she will then make new and better ones.  She won't be super happy with me about this decision but I do think this is an important battle, I have to protect her, especially since she is still so young.

Being a mama is rewarding and difficult at the same time... I wouldn't change having either of my daughters, I have been extremely blessed.  Besides Andrea told me that I should put my foot down early and not let Valentina get away with what she did.  I tend to agree but then again Andrea turned out pretty great and she can think for herself and make very good choices.  Of course Valentina is a lot younger in her maturity than Andrea was at the same age. Two very different children, each with their own challenges and each with their own rewards.

I am trying to walk that fine line where I don't push Valentina away but that I don't smother her either.  That's the toughest line to walk, also, it is not the most popular line to walk.  One of the things I do expect from Valentina that I didn't stress enough for Andrea is a little respect... I understand frustration as I get that way myself but I don't want anyone, least of all my children disrespecting me.

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Feel Like The Princess And The Pea

I didn't sleep last night, not sure why... it is getting ridiculous as when I am at work all day, I am sure if I laid my head on my desk I would pass out and start drooling in my sleep.  I have even entertained the thought of crawling under my desk and drifting off.  Of course I don't do these things and I am sure my bosses wouldn't think very much about me.  A girl can dream though... However, I get home, I unwind, do a little cooking, cleaning, blogging and then finally I head off to bed and then boom... my eyes are wide awake.  I yawn, I change positions over and over, I have blankets on, I take them off, I fluff my pillows, I take pillows away. 

I love my bed, it is one of those memory foam mattresses which is absolutely perfect for me since I am built like a large hour glass, it is wonderful for my hips, they never have to be uncomfortable on a spring.  Believe me, I don't care how comfortable your pillow top mattresses are, the minute I curl up on my side, I feel the springs.  I feel like the girl from The Princess And The Pea.  These days, however; I am beginning to think no matter how comfortable my bed is, it seems I am unable to sleep.

I have gone as far as taking a nice warm relaxing bath, changing my sheets, having my room cleaned, turning off all sounds, TV, computer, music... you name it.  It is dark and quiet but do I sleep... NO...  I never sleep more than two or two and a half hours at a time. Which believe is not conducive to concentration... everything is funny to me, I laugh uncontrollably.   Which is not a bad thing, I think laughter is great, more people need to laugh a little more than being so darned serious.  Mine is a little overboard, especially when I haven't slept for long periods of time.

Saying all this... I am off to bed again; I am off to dreamland... hoping that the dream lasts for four or five hours.  That would be beyond amazing, I miss those days when I could lay my head down and instantly fall to sleep for six or seven hours.  I used to hear of people who had insomnia and I considered myself blessed that I didn't have to deal with the lack of sleep.  Those days are gone, apparently my body thinks I have slept enough from when I was a young adult. 

The only other idea that comes to mind is that hopefully once I start working out daily, I will exhaust myself so much I will pass out and dream for four or five hours.  I am not giving up on the idea that sleep will once again be my friend.  Maybe I should take my mattress apart and see if there is a pea underneath... that would mean I was a princess, then again, all women are princesses, why not me?

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥
 

Enjoy The In Betweens

”In between goals is a thing called life, that has to be lived and enjoyed.” - Sid Caesar

While I have been off on medical leave from work, I have been centered on goals I want to achieve, some of them are short term and others long term.  I am trying to remember that reaching the goal, although wonderful; is not what brings us long term happiness or success.  How we live and get to the goal is what brings us true joy. 

I feel for myself that I sometimes forget to enjoy the small day to day happenings while I am looking forward to whatever long term goal I have made.  The quote above reminded me once again how life is lived between each goal... and how I need to slow down and start enjoying them more, especially since I don't want to live my life looking back on just the goals I completed. 

I have been feeling distanced from everything... even with all the technology we have in this world, I can still feel this way.  I never truly appreciated how blessed I was when I could just get up and go whenever I wanted to.... today I have to arrange plans with other people just to be able to make it to an appointment.  At least this is only temporary... there are people that are in this situation all the time.  

I want to do something to give back, maybe just volunteering an hour or two here and there to help someone out, make that one of my long term goals.  I think it will be a good thing to slow me down and remind me to enjoy the moment.  This time off has certainly showed me how I was living from one goal to the next, not a great way to enjoy my life.  I plan to enjoy the in between...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Committed To My Passion

Yesterday was a good day, especially for my leg, the pain is very manageable, the weakness is still there, just not to the degree that it was. So all in all a good day!

Valentina went up to the ward party and I met her up there, she had an awesome time, that girl is so lovable.  I truly am a lucky mama. I miss Andrea....

I had a bit of a long day, so I just relaxed and decided to write, I wanted to relay an experience I had. I read a blog called The Daily Love by Mastin Kipp that I read everyday. Anyway last week he wrote a post about how he writes even when he doesn't feel like it and how he had just made a commitment to write no matter what.

Anyway, I thought great post and I filed it away in my folder.  I somehow have it coming twice, so I ended up reading it again. I meant to delete the second one but forgot and started reading it for the third time. It finally clicked, I haven't been as committed to my writing, I should be networking more, learning how to make my blog more friendly and easy to read. I want to be more committed to my passion.

The happiness jar that I am starting right away has me feeling more creative, I will be feeling more positive when I am looking for good and uplifting things in my life to write down for memories.  This Christmas is a bit emotional but I want to make it special for Valentina...  she deserves to have an amazing holidays. 

I'm working on those decisions I need to make too... I do wish they were easier to make.  I guess life wouldn't be so rewarding if it was too easy, if it could just be a little bit easier...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Wanting Better For My Children

What I am about to write is my own opinion, it is not meant to judge or insult anyone... I have been there.

Today I feel the need to write about something that has been on my mind, I can write this because I was where these young girls were when I was a teenager.  I was 17 years old when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter (keep in mind birth control was not so readily available).

Many people would say abstain, yeah... that does not always work, especially when you are a teenager.  I grew up in a middle class home and all my friends were middle class as well.  This is where I was naive, I had no idea how I was going to raise my baby, my grandmother told me I would have to get money from the government. 

I said huh?  What do you mean?  She said you can get government assistance.  I was shocked, I said really?  I had never heard of this, so I started my long trek of being on assistance.  Why do I bring this up?  Well, I see young single mothers getting on the bus with their child or children to drop them off at day care. 

These girls are in sweat pants, sneakers, hair tied up in messy buns with their i phones, chatting loudly to each other about what they planned to spend their checks on....  These girls are not going to work or going to school, why is the government paying for their day care?  This makes no sense to me.

I did everything within my power to better myself while I was on assistance, I went to college, night courses, I worked part time and the biggest thing I did was NOT bury my head in the sand with my daughter.  I talked to her until I was blue in the face, I did NOT want her to become a statistic.  When she started dating I took her to the doctor and had her take protection, as well I had her go to planned parenthood.

I don't want to sound judgmental as I know things happen but in this day and age, birth control is readily available for a girl or woman to take and for free.  I take issue with those girls who have more than one child while on assistance, REALLY?  I did everything in my power not to have another baby while I was on assistance. By the way I am highly fertile, basically a man has to breathe on me and I get pregnant (I made sure to do all that I could to NOT to get pregnant again).

If I had not married, I wouldn't have had another child. When things did not work out with Andrey, I worked massive hours to raise Valentina without government assistance.  Has it been easy, NO!  I have been blessed with people who have helped me to make it.  I made it a priority, I refused to raise another child on assistance.

This does not make me a better person or mother but it makes me wonder why these girls would purposefully limit their future.  Especially in this day and age where it is very possible to prevent yourself from becoming pregnant.  If they are having these children to have someone to love them, they are in for a rude awakening.  These children need to be loved and if these girls  don't love themselves, how can they give this to their children.

Also those children become teenagers and look out, if you haven't given them a solid foundation they will repeat their mothers actions.  I am SO grateful and thankful that my oldest daughter did NOT follow in my footsteps, she waited to have a baby until she married.  I see her so happy and my grandson Jackson is one happy and loved baby.

I understand that things happen in life where we need help from people or the government, I applaud the girls or women who use the system appropriately to better themselves so that they and their children don't become a long term statistic.

My frustration comes from when these girls have a baby, then they have another one.  Then they give up and live off the system, never trying to better themselves.  Teaching their children to do the same thing.  I want better for my children and myself, I would hope all girls would want better for themselves and their children.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Light Can Come Through Darkness

Don't confuse your path with your destination.  Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine ~ Unknown


The quote above reminds me that no matter how dark and stormy the path looks at any given time that life does have a way of being sunny at times, it always finds a way.  The sunny times help to strengthen us so that we can get through the difficult times of our lives.  I know it's not easy... believe me, I know.  Life isn't easy and it isn't fair but there are rewards and good things happen to make it easier to handle. 

I want to be the kind of woman that looks at my life and is grateful for the strength that I have to overcome the dark times in my life.  I don't want the dark time to take over my life and make me bitter which will only leave me sad and alone.  I don't want the hard times to win out and break me down so much that I never see the sunny days... I want to look forward to those sunny times that get me through each difficult time.

Now that my days are coming into a sunny time, I can clearly see that I was in one of the darkest times of my life for the past eight months or so.  I didn't handle money well, I allowed my house to get out of control, I allowed myself to sit day after day in sadness because I felt there would never be a light again.  There is a light, there always is... even when we believe it won't happen.  However; sometimes the light comes and we are too deep in our sadness to see it, this is the saddest thing as we are given a light and we miss it because we are so engrossed in our disappointments.

I don't think it is wrong to be sad at times, it's only normal to feel down occasionally but we I really need to remember that these times won't last and that life will get better.  I may not have my hearts desire yet but I am truly blessed. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Were Born Perfect

We were born perfect, if only for the simple fact that we can change ourselves within the blink of an eye - simply by altering our thoughts and our energy. You can't get more perfect than that. ~ Jeffrey Marks

I opened my email today and immediately I was so moved by the words above that I instantly wanted to write a post about it and share it with everyone.  We were born perfect as we CAN change our thoughts in the blink of an eye which can change our circumstances just like that.  That doesn't mean we are perfect, it means we have a way of perfecting ourselves.

Most of us are unaware that it is possible to change your here and now by just changing the way we think... I have seen this work in my life over and over.  The first time was when I was 15 years old and I had decided that I wanted to not have to live with my step mother Ruth any longer.  I wished her no harm, I prayed daily for six months to be free of her and finally I was free.  Also on a smaller scale, I was broken hearted over my David and feeling as if I would never be able to pull myself together when it didn't work out as it should have.  A few weeks ago, I consciously made the decision that I would put that sad side of myself away and that I would remember all the wonderful blessings in my life.

Neither one of these were easy, neither of them just solved all my issues but both of these decisions I made helped me to see that I am in control of my emotions.  I am not in control of what happens to me but how I handle what is given to me.  I think I must be slow to learning these lessons though as I fall back into the 'poor me' pattern when life does not go the way I planned, instead of saying, 'what can I learn from this, how can I grow to be a better, more loving person?'  These are the questions I am going to ask myself each time something turns my world upside down.

I read a really amazing blog by Carly Ester, she is moving to Ecuador in a few days. She is so spiritual and so giving.  What she writes about puts my little set of problems into perspective. Not that we don't have the right to be sad, it's life, without sadness we wouldn't know joy, I've known incredible sadness but I've also tasted sheer joy.  What I love about Carly is that she is trying with all her heart to do what she was meant to do in this life, she is going to Ecuador to help the children and women there, giving them hope.  She is just so inspiring!!

When I begin to think that life is too hard, not worth putting the effort in and feeling as if my world is so turned upside down, I am going to think of Carly and how she is giving up all of her comforts in her life, to go and help as many people that she can who have little hope in their lives.  She is giving back and giving service. 

What I learned from this quote by Jeffrey Marks is that although we feel inadequate in this world, we are not broken.  We were born perfect and we have the ability to change how we handle the difficult situations that life throws at us.  One of the most interesting things is that what I find the most difficult to deal with, I usually find out that it was a good thing in the end.  Another thing that I learned is that I really need to listen with my heart and than follow.... who knew it could be that easy?  I didn't.

Have you ever thought that
if one thing hadn't happened,
a whole set of things
never would've either?
Like dominoes,
a single event kicked off
an unstoppable series
of changes that gained
momentum and spun out of control,
and nothing was ever
the same again.
Don't ever doubt that
a mere second can change
your life forever.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

What's In My Name

I have another blog written but I decided to keep it for a few days, it is something I have felt inspired to blog about but I am still tweaking it right now, I really want to write it the way I was touched by it myself.

So today I decided to talk about where my name comes from, my mother was from Salem Oregon, so she heard a name once which is Polynesian spelled Lajuanna that she wanted to give to one of her daughters. The name was bestowed upon me but my father refused to spell it the way my mother wanted it and he spelled it Louanna. 

Moving forward, apparently I had trouble saying my name and came up with a version that I never liked, I was four years old at the time; so my parents continued to call me by that name until I went to high school.  I decided in grade 9 that when I went to high school I was going with my real name, since I really despised the other name.  So when I went into the guidance councilor I told him, he asked me how I spelled it, I had never seen the correct spelling so I said L-A-U-N-N-A. 

A year later I went to get my SIN and I found out the correct spelling of my name but by this time I was used to spelling it my way so I kept it.  I must say over the years my name has been said every which way possible, so funny.  Most people call me LuLu at work and everyone else learns to say my name which actually sounds like La-Wanna.  I know, I know, I know... lol.   That looks nothing like the way I spell it but I am really fond of how I spell my name now:)

I love my name, apparently it means beautiful flower, which I think is really sweet.  Plus I love the way it sounds when it is said properly, I think it is just a very pretty name and very unique, exactly like me.  I love being unique and quirky, I don't want to be like everybody else which I am grateful I have arrived.


Launna

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Nine Years Ago Tonight

Nine years ago today, I had an awesome miracle happen, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Valentina Anastasiya. I was 39 and although it is beyond simple for me to get pregnant, basically a man just had to breathe on me, lol. However; staying pregnant proved more difficult as I got older but my little girl was born at 9:35 pm on May 15, 2003 and she was a lovely average size, 7lbs, 8ozs. I'm old school, still into pounds :).

Let me say, I thought for sure I was carrying a boy, Valentina made sure she was a surprise:). The minute she was born, the doctor said, you have a girl, I was like I'm sorry Valentina, I love you<3. At least I had both names picked out.

I was blessed that she was a pretty easy baby as I was 39, did I already mention that, lol ;). It's quite a feat to carry a baby at that age. Your body gets tired so much quicker.

The years have flown, she is close to being a teen, can I say I'm scared. Those teen years are insane, I was sure I wouldn't survive my oldest and she was actually quite a good teen, she just yelled and wouldn't go to school. I'm hoping that I will be more understanding with Valentina and that she'll be gentle on me, lol.

I will be in my 50's when she's a teen, heaven help me, I see massive prayer in my future. Heavenly father gives us teenagers so we will pray, either that or drink. I don't plan to drink, I'm sure I'll be on my knees 24/7. I'll need to be to survive. Have I mentioned I'll be in my 50's when she's a teenager, lol.

Children can be a challenge, mostly they are a blessing. I'm grateful that I could be a mommy at 18 and then a mama at 39. I've been so blessed to have two beautiful girls and hey, they've put up with a slightly crazy mother. I know, I know; slightly? Cut me a break, I'm going to be 50 in a little over a year :).




















Happy Birthday to my sweet Valentina on her 9th birthday