The Choice Is Mine Whether It's Good Or Bad

First an update on my leg, I finally could not handle the pain, I made an appointment with my doctor.  I saw her this evening, not only did my cholesterol pills leave my legs weak as they can cause major muscle damage.  I was lucky to catch it so early, it has not done long term damage... all my blood work came back excellent.  Also, I have damaged my knee and I will have to use a cane, ugh... nothing like a cane to make you look aged.  I love that I look a good 6 to 8 years younger than I am but I won't look young with a cane.

It should only be for six weeks as she feels it will heal without so much stress on it.  So tomorrow I am off to buy a cane, I need one that makes me look young... lol.  Then I have to get ex rays of my knee and leg and then I get to go to work, what an awesome day I have ahead of me, I can't wait.  Now onto a topic that my sister and I discussed.  

My sister asked me yesterday morning what was worse, using bad addictions (whatever they are) to deal with pain?  Which I don't see that people are all that happy with their addictions, she agreed. Then she said or is it really better to deal with the pain in a good way (by whatever method, ie counseling, exercising, writing) and yet still not be all that happy either.

I'm not even sure how to answer that, just because I have spent this last year working non stop with counseling, blogging, cleanses, mentor groups.  I have worked on a lot of good things this year; it's true I'm further along but I'm still nowhere near as happy as I want to be and know I can be, as I have felt sheer and blissful joy.  I know it exists, so I am always hopeful that I will have it again and soon.

I haven't answered this for myself yet though, I waffle between getting through the pain by all the best methods positively but I don't always succeed and I fall back to those addictions that help to numb me so I don't feel everything so easily, like eating the wrong food, watching TV just so I don't have to think of anything important.  I have done much worse a few years ago but I have learned from those choices... I want to look back in 6 months, a year and see that I have even grown further from this.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Having Faith, Is It Really That Easy?

I wrote a post last night that I couldn't put on my blog, it was sad and way too emotional.  I've been this way for the past couple of days.  I went on the cleanse so that I could work hard to clean up all aspects of my life.  Some changes were easier, some were downright hard.

I realized that I haven't healed, not nearly as much as I thought or hoped.  I just masked all the pain and I can't or rather I won't continue to cover it anymore. So instead I'm living in each moment of sadness and pain, things I was sure I had dealt with.  Come to find out I hadn't dealt with it all, I had covered or buried it. All in an effort to feel better, to feel healed.

 Unless I am willing to continue to cover my emotions for the rest of my life, I will have to break down and learn to be comfortable with them and with me.  It's so difficult to live with the pain I feel and believe that everything will be okay. 

Why am I the one who has invested so much of my heart and soul to only have it broken time and again?  Why can't I get to the point that I don't care, where I can walk away and say it was all their loss and truly believe it?

 

I wish... I know... I shouldn't say I wish, I need to change this trait in my life, why are some traits so hard to change?  I feel like I opened a dam that I can't close.  I have put so much effort into getting myself together for the past 10 months and then I just threw all that hard work away and I feel like I am back to square one.


I keep hearing all I have to do is have faith, is it really that easy? 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Reaching For Cloud Nine

There is power in purposeful positiveness: find the gems buried in the dirt of the situation and move down the road you choose. ~ Erica Kosal

I just came off a cleanse, I didn't make the full 90 days but I'm thankful that I did 75 days.  I learned a great deal about myself. One, I am capable of giving up TV and social media (did I miss it?).  I did miss social media, TV not so much.  I can eat healthy and enjoy it, I will stay eating good food with a treat here and there.

I was able to clean and organize my home to something I can now enjoy.  Also, I can maintain it by taking 15-30 minutes per day.  I enjoyed relaxing, blogging and going to bed early.  All good for me, all something my body and soul needed to heal from this past year.

I am going to do this on a smaller scale, like choose a day a week or every second week that I just take a day for me without the noise to fill me.  Than I will be able to feel and hear what I need.

I did something silly last night, I was cleaning out my email box and all the folders.  Of course I have one for my 'D', I allowed myself to read those early emails when he and I were so happy together. That was foolish of me, it just brought up all the heart break again.  I was not prepared for that, especially since Sunday November 4th will be one year when I realized my David more than liked me.

I was on cloud nine, sometimes I wonder if cloud nine is worth the fall?

 

 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Managing My Stress

Today was one of those lazy days, I woke up early... fell back asleep, woke up again to eat breakfast, then back for another nap... so relaxing.  I really needed a day like this, it rejuvenates me. We are coming into our very busy time at work, it is year end for us, so we will be extremely insane for the next few months. 

I have one long weekend coming up in November, I plan to just relax and do a few things just for me.  I will have to make sure I keep everything as organized as I have been, it makes like so much easier.  I am going to have to be on Valentina more, she is rather lazy and she always says she is going to do it later... later becomes me. So going forward we are going to take a 5 minute walk around to make sure everything is picked up and put away.

 

I refuse to fall back into that pattern where my house was out of control and where I didn't care, I care now... I like how clean it is, I love knowing where everything is and not just guessing.  So, I am overcoming my own laziness and loving how I have made my home a home.

In January I am starting my accounting course while I am going through year end, the only way to accomplish this is to keep organized.  You know what I have found through this purging is that I am so much more relaxed, I don't dread where to start, I don't feel overwhelmed.  I feel at ease, I can see that everything is manageable. 

Today I don't waste time searching for items, I have more time to spend with Valentina, I made my own applesauce which I then made into and cake.  We had a lot of fun measuring and mixing then finally getting to test it out, she told me she loved it.  This weekend has been a really good weekend for Valentina, she had a fun party on Saturday and today she got to make a cake.

I am off to bed now, another full week ahead of me but I am going to make sure I take an hour or so a week just for me, reading a book, listening to music, talking with a friend.  It will help keep me centered, than my D will be home, I really miss talking to him... he always makes me laugh and he knows just what to say.  Also back to my healthy eating of salad and rice meals again.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Changing My Outerworld To Match My Inner World

I started this cleanse I'm on so that I could get back on the right path, I had strayed so far that I was unable to see where I knew I should be.  I'm only a little over 60 days in and although I haven't been perfect on this cleanse, I have moved forward in great strides.

One, I've been eating very healthy except for the occasional treat; food can be rather boring and bland if you don't mix it up here and there.  What I don't want to happen is that I feel so deprived I go over board and undo all my hard work. Salad is really yummy but truthfully, I can only eat so much salad before my body rebels.

Two, I have cut back on social media so that it doesn't own me anymore; that feels good.  I have control right now, I don't want to go back down that path where it owned me. I want a real life where I actually see people and talk to them, not just liking a Facebook status.

Three, I de cluttered my house, that feels beyond amazing.  I am loving the organization.  I still have some spots that need work but I'm headed in the right direction.  I would not mind anyone just dropping in on me, I would welcome my friends with open arms.  When my house was out of control, I wouldn't have let anyone in.

Four, my blog was becoming so depressing because of how sad I was; I'm feeling more hopeful.  I feel lighter and happier; not that joyous happiness I've had in the past but that peaceful happiness I need to live with more brightness. I'm able to see that light at the end of the tunnel, the one that I knew was there but couldn't see.

Five, I'm learning to say I can even when I feel that I can't because the truth is that I can set my mind to do whatever needs to be done. I've done this with work and my knowledge is growing so quickly I'm even surprising myself.

I'm giving myself a break on this cleanse at the end of this month. I'm going to allow a little TV and social media; my 'D' will be back from his exercise but than he's going in for surgery and he will be off work for 4 weeks.  I'm worried and praying for him; I want to be there for him in anyway that I can.

I'm going to stick with most of the food part as I really don't need all the refined sugar and wheat that I used to eat.  I will allow myself an occasional treat, much like I've been doing.  I want to continue to lose weight and become healthier.  I really want to exercise and as soon as the doctor tells me its okay, I'm going to start running.

This cleanse has done most of what I needed, I'm back on the path.  I'm not exactly where I want to be but I'm so much closer than I was over 2 months ago.  I'm feeling direction in my life, which makes me happier. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Preparing Myself

It's been a couple of days since I blogged, that's not like me.  Especially since I've had so much on my mind.  Instead of writing, I've been thinking through my issues, I'm still working on them.  My mind has been racing with thoughts, trying so hard to figure everything out and I only feel like I'm spinning my wheels.  I've decided to put it away for awhile, hopefully I will find an answer down the road.

I've been on my cleanse for almost six weeks, not watching TV has been the easiest thing, my social media has been more difficult for me.  It's my way to stay in contact with my family and friends.  I can see me staying with the food part of the cleanse for the majority of my eating.  I will allow a little of the items I gave up, however; I will be more conscientious.


Something big that I have learned here is that I kind of miss the simpler times before Black berry's and internet, before we felt the need to have instant contact, that will entail my not being so addicted to social networking once I come back in November. 

I've been walking some, not enough but I'm working on building up my stamina so that as soon as my doctor says that I can start running, that I'll be ready. I've even found some friends that run now and are willing to run with me when I'm ready.

I am taking next week after the holidays (Thanks giving) to start cleaning.  I'm going to do Valentina's room first, that will take me a whole day, then the kitchen (another day).  Finally, I can do my room and the living room in one day.

It's difficult to get myself out of the rut that I have been in this past nine months but I have to do it regardless of how I feel.  Living in the disaster is starting to cause me more issues.   I know that once I get it organized I will feel so much better.  I also know that cleaning the clutter in my home will help clear my mind as well, clutter is always a symptom of what is going on in my life.

So, the first step is de cluttering my home, which in turn should de clutter my life... helping me to see the future with opportunities.  I really need to get my home and life in a little order before I actually have to go in for my operation.  Once I have that I will be very limited, Cindy will come down periodically which is wonderful... I want it to be simple for her, so I need to be prepared.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Just Want The Chance To Go Home Again

I've been feeling like I'm not settled, you know that feeling when you come home and feel safe and comfortable, I'm not feeling that.  I'm working at getting that feeling back, it's difficult when I feel like I'm missing pieces. 

I definitely feel more positive and I'm slowly getting my energy back.  I know I slept enough in the past couple of months, more than I have slept in the past year.  My body was exhausted from all the emotional crap I've put it through.  I neglected me, I just want the chance to feel like I'm home again.

This cleanse is certainly making me come face to face with more emotions than I cared to deal with.  The truth is that dealing with the pain might be overwhelming but hiding it is so much more debilitating.  Fear makes me freeze up, feeling as if I'll never be able to move forward again.

The power is always with us, we are always able to change that fear into strength.  We just have to truly desire it and make a concerted effort to really delve into ourselves.

I'm hoping that by the time this cleanse is over that I'll feel like I'm home again.  Being unsettled is not always the easiest thing to handle, sometimes it's out of our control.  Even if it's out of our hands we have to figure out a way to deal with it so that we can move on.

Living in the past on dreams that have come and gone isn't good for anyone.  The future isn't written, all I have is the here and now, living in the present is the only way I can live with meaning. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Turning Fear Into Faith‏

I had an awesome lesson at church yesterday, it was about how fear and faith were the opposite of each other.  So basically if you fear something you are not practicing faith.  That's it in its simplistic form and that truly resonated with me.

Sure there are going to be tough days, of course we are not going to be happy every second of everyday but if we have true faith, we will remember that those hard times will pass as they always do.  It's a great reminder and I feel blessed to have heard the lesson and to feel the truthfulness of this.

It brought to mind everything I have gone through lately and how I've not always dealt with it all as faithfully as I should or could have.  It's almost like I didn't believe that I would get through when deep in my heart and soul I knew that I would.  I was in so much pain that I was sure I that I would fail. 

I've also come to realize that I was given an inspired plan a while back and I didn't follow through.  I'm now going with it, doing what I know I can. Than I'm leaving the rest up to God and the universe, I'm going to have faith.

I really feel like this cleanse is and has been beneficial to me.  One I found out that I could truly care less about TV, that was a huge time waster of mine.  Two I miss Facebook just so that I can keep in contact with my family and friends that are not close by.  I do feel a little cut off but it's only until the middle of November.

Three, I love eating healthy.  It has made me plan out my weekly meal ideas so that I'm not struggling to come up with food ideas for lunch. Especially since Valentina is back to school now, I'm sending her with healthy food too.  Four I feel more inspired to blog and I have time to read the blogs I follow without taking time away from Valentina.

Fifth and I think this is the most important by product of this cleanse.  I've been sleeping, I go to bed early and I actually sleep.  I'm still tired but I think that's my body's way of dealing with everything I put it through for the past nine months or so.

When this whole cleanse is over, I'm going to stick with a few of the items and also I'm going to limit some of my activities, mostly I'm going to let my body sleep when it's tired. I haven't been perfect on it but I'm not giving up, I just wake up each day and start anew.

I'm not perfect, I'm just perfecting myself and they are totally different.  The first one in not achievable on this earth, the second is worth working towards with a little faith.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Living In The Present To Have What I Want

I've had a lot on my mind with this cleanse, mainly because I don't have distractions, which is good.  Sometimes it's overwhelming and difficult to deal with but mostly it's a wonderful thing to be present with yourself.  I've had some time to really think about what is important, I've been so caught up in my break up with David, that I neglected me.  That's the last thing he wanted me to do, he wanted me to take care of myself.

I miss the simple things we did, holding hands, walking arm in arm, bear hugs, taking drives around the city, just talking for hours about everything and anything.  All of that is possible when he's home for a visit in the future, whenever that is.  I lost sight of the fact that we are very close friends and that if I wanted that, I could still have it.

I didn't want to give up the dream or fantasy, I had to though if I wanted to keep him in my life.  A few weeks ago I wrote that I regretted being romantic with David, I take that back. It was the happiest time of my life, I was over the moon.  I wish that I had handled everything better, by not being so sad...

That's who I am though, I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  I laugh with abandon, I sob with my whole heart and I love with my complete soul.  There's nothing part way with me, you never have to wonder. I know it can be difficult to be around me when I'm sad, I even find it hard and I don't have a choice.  I have never figured out how to feel less or at least express less.  I guess it's just who I am, I'm learning that although it can be challenging to be around me when I'm sad, I don't think I'd want to be one of those people who hides who I am to make other people happy.

I can't wait for day that my David messages me again and we pick up like we never went without talking. We're that close, I'll be there for him and I'll be ready, ready to laugh with him.  Just as soon as his son is on more stable ground, which I'm praying for so much.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Setting Small Goals

I have to say I honestly do not miss TV, I thought that it was going to be so challenging and difficult.  Maybe it's because there are only repeats on but I'm really not even thinking about what I might be missing.  I think I could go without the TV, not so sure my little Valentina could do without it, I think it would be great for her as most of the shows she watches are really mindless.  However; that will be her decision, mine is to just have her cut back, which she is doing.

One week into the cleanse and I am really grateful, it's not easy but I know that it will help to center me, I really need that, I was so very lost for the last month.  I was sure that I could not take another let down, I had dealt with too much.  Now that I am one week into this, my focus is a bit more clear, I am not saying life is beyond wonderful at the moment but it is better.  I don't feel like crying every other second.

My leg has not and is not healing, I see the specialist on September the 4th, with Cindy (my sitter and good friend).   I need someone there who will make the doctor see that it is NOT good, the last time he looked at it he said, that looks good... REALLY???  I do not want to see what he thinks looks bad!  That must be beyond horrible.  Anyhow, I do think somethings will be set in motion and finally I will have a plan to have my leg looked after.

Either way, I will be ready to start to run, probably a lot of walking to begin with, we all have to start somewhere.  I am really super excited about finally starting.  Probably just another week... then I will be unstoppable.  I am not even going to run to lose weight, it might be a by product, I just want to feel strong and healthy, that is my goal.

I am praying so much for my "D's" son Chris, I worry non stop about David and his son.  Especially since my "D" is so far away from him and he's not able to get home right now.  In this moment all of his emotions and attention are on Chris as it should be.  I will double my efforts with prayer, he really needs some good news, he's lost his faith a little.  I don't want him to feel as if all he's had are non stop trials, something good has to happen for him soon.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Should Be Made Of Steel

Well today didn't get started off right as my sitter was very ill and I had to take Valentina to her which had me leaving my house just after 6:00am.  In my rush I forgot to pack my lunch, not good as I only ate 2 bananas yesterday.  So I dropped her off, missed the bus on the way back, I walked for 15 minutes and stopped into the store to buy salad and fruit.  It's good, otherwise I would have been tempted to eat garbage food, which would have been awful.

I had another restless sleep, I'm sure my body was rebelling because I was in bed so early.  It wasn't sure how to handle that, hopefully I'll adapt and finally be able to rest.  I'm not sure I can really rest until I talk to my David anyway, what if... I don't want to say it, that would be too sad.  I have to find a way to cope with this but at the moment I'm still too lost to see the path that will show me the way. 

People keep telling me I'm strong and that I will find a way, if I do.....  I'm going to made of steel.  I can't allow my heart to ever be so open again, it's shattered and I'm not sure it can be repaired.  I'm just hoping and praying I find a way.

At least the cleanse is helping to center me even if I'm not able to control my emotions.  I swear I just break out in tears at the drop of a hat, I try not to think of my "D", that's not working out so well.  

I just want to trust myself again, it's so hard when I was so sure.  It was real to me!  How could I be SO wrong?

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

I Can Change My Destiny? I Think I Lost The Directions!

Day one of my cleanse, not perfect but not too bad.  My little Valentina is even doing it with me to a point, she is giving up refined sugar and wheat, I told her that she still needs dairy at her age.  Also, she's not ready to give up TV (she's only nine).

So, I talked to my sister tonight who is doing the cleanse with me too, which is helpful.  At least I have someone who is following it with me.  Here's a great by product of the cleanse for me, since I could only blog or talk on the phone, I am in bed by 9:30.  I'm sure my body doesn't know what to think, actually getting to sleep before 11:00.   

I keep reading uplifting quotes about how I need to change my way of thinking so that I can change my attitude.  Seems so easy, yet so difficult.  How do I stop feeling sad about David?  He's the only thing I'm sad about, I really wish we could resolve our issue and be the close friends that we are.

I need one of our chats where he makes me laugh, which he always does when we talk.  I miss that, I miss being able to tell him about my day, my epiphany's and hearing about his day.  I loved ending my day after talking with him, I almost always smiled.

I know life is about change, I just never thought I wouldn't have that with him, we are so close.  I don't know how to handle not having him in my life, I miss him; I wonder if he misses me too?  I'm also so worried about his son Chris, I don't even know how he is and that makes me very sad.

My leg is still infected and I'm sure it will be for sometime, I'm hoping the specialists will finally see this infection is not going away and needs more than just pills that may clear the issue but it never completely heals.

I want to start running and this leg is hindering that, I'm not even supposed to be walking on it but I do have to work. So I'm resting it as often as possible.  If I can just get it to a more healthy spot then I can finally start running.  I'm not giving up on that idea, I'm going to make it happen.

 "Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Getting On Track

I have been thinking about how I need to get on a schedule with my blog, I have no rhyme or reason with the time right now and sometimes I post twice.  So although I may have a few blogs written ahead, since I write when the feeling strikes, I will just post one every morning before I go to work.  I haven't missed too many days since I decided to commit to writing more.  Also, I am going to play around with the design a bit this weekend to see if I can make it more streamline. 

It's a busy day for me tomorrow but a good busy, I am finally getting my hair cut and colored, yeah... I really need it, it has been 5 months or more.  I am doing a little pamper me day, then Valentina and I are going school supply shopping.  Then buy groceries and finally come home and relax.  I might try to squeeze Walmart in there too, I need a lot of little appliances. 

Then Sunday I plan to relax most of the day as I will be starting the cleanse on Monday and I want to be prepared.  I plan to pre-make my salad for a few days at a time, also large sauces that I can use on quinoa and rice.  I want to learn to make a few tasty bean dishes, if there are any...lol.  I think I am going to feel free from social media too, I know I will miss the contact but I will use the phone a little more.  I am actually going to throw in stop watching TV for the 90 days.  I may only watch  2 hours a day but that is 2 hours that I can do more important things.

So I am going to be more active and present in my life, with eating healthier, giving up TV and social media and with exercising.  I will be a very busy girl who won't have time to dwell on the past.  I will be moving forward everyday, I am looking forward to that the most.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Treating Myself As I Treat My Friends

I wrote a blog last night, got ready to post it; I didn't feel it.  So, I saved it and I went to bed very early around 8:30 pm.  Woke up at 3:00 am and I was just scanning through my Facebook and my "D" had posted that his 21 year old son had a stroke.   This is what is important in life, people, not things... I need to be able to somehow comfort my "D", I am so sick with worry and I feel so useless, I can't help my "D" from here.

I did go back to bed and slept until 15 minutes before I had to leave this morning.  I'm so grateful it's Friday, I really need this weekend, I slept a ridiculous 10 hours last night and I'm still not totally awake.

I'm sure once I start this 90 day cleanse my body will even be more exhausted and I will require more sleep then I usually do. I think it will be good for my body, I really need to treat me better. I usually take my hurt and pain out on my physical and emotional self.  I usually over indulge, I rarely allow my body sleep and I tell myself mean things.  I need to be more kind and loving to myself.  If someone treated me the way I treated me, I would tell them where to go quickly.

Why do we give ourselves permission to be so cruel to ourselves?   Is this world not cruel enough to us as it is?  I haven't figured out how to change my behavior yet but I'm not giving up.  I will find out why,  I deserve better than what I've  accepted.

Well my first test at running a short span, three blocks.  I am out of shape but that will all change; I know I'll need to build up my stamina over time.  I was just running to catch the bus, too out of breath for that short of distance, we all have to start somewhere.

Once I start the cleanse as I find tasty healthy recipes I will share them through a link on my blog.  Feel free to send me a link to some recipes, keep in mind, no wheat/dairy/refined sugar.   Yes I know, that sounds difficult, it's not, I did it for 30 days and actually enjoyed it as I felt much better.  90 days should have me on a good path for success. 

I'm going to have a before and after picture taken, I will share once I feel more comfortable.  This is a lot for me, I don't take very many pictures of myself but for this, I feel it is important so that I can see from the beginning and not just guess. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield