Pain Can Make You Or Break You

I'm sorry I have been away for so long, the physical pain I was dealing with was beyond what I could handle. I often thought that if this was the way my life was going to be, I couldn't see any good. I was negative, unhappy and I had lost hope. I had got to the point that even moving around my home was almost unbearable... the doctor gave me pills to deal with the pain but they only exhausted me and made me loopy... I was barely functioning and if it wasn't for my very good friend I may never have left the house. 

In that time period, Valentina had to go to the hospital and have her embedded teeth removed as well as her four wisdom teeth. She really handled it well, I am grateful it is over with and that she won't have to deal with that pain in the future. She is now taking great care of her teeth, which I am very happy about as I know more than most people how important it is to have nice and healthy teeth, it makes smiling so much easier. 

About two weeks ago I went back to see my doctor, I told her that I couldn't handle the pain as I was barely making it... I was thankful that I was able to work from home as that would have only brought more stress on me. Worrying about finances was not another trial I needed to deal with at that time. My doctor suggested a new prescription that may help with nerve pain... I started them immediately and within three days I was able to deal with the pain. It's still there but it no longer controls my every thought... now I have to work on getting back to walking and exercising.

I will definitely be taking it slow, I don't want to reinjure myself...  however; I really need to lose some weight to take the pressure off my back as I know that isn't helping me at all. Thankfully summer is almost here and it is quite light in the morning, I can take a quick walk around my neighborhood to get me started and my friend and I will be able to start swimming in the lakes in the evening very soon. We are both looking forward to that, it's a good way to exercise without putting more pain on our back and joints. 

I know it will take some time to get back on track to be healthy again but I have hope now, I feel like I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. I had nearly given up many times over the past year, I held on because I am tenacious, I don't give up. Some days were much harder than others but I found something deep inside to hold on until I found some relief to deal with it... I will never take it for granted, I am incredibly grateful that my doctor found something to help. 

I want to thank each and every one of you for all your comments, emails, and messages on all my social media. I didn't think I would be gone this long, I truly missed you and blogging a great deal... I just didn't want to write while I was so negative. I tried to write a couple of times but I felt like the pain blocked me from any good thoughts... that's not what I wanted on my blog all the time. Sure we all have ups and downs but I felt perpetually down. Life and trials are never easy to deal with, pain can make or break you... I am thankful it didn't break me...

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Mediocrity Is Tenacious

I read this quote the other day and it resonated with me ... my friend and I were discussing how throughout our lives we have overcome one challenge or another and how good we felt about it. I told her how I was in the zone when I lost weight a few years ago and that when I was hurt, I let it slide and lately I have let mediocrity take over and why? Because it was easy. It was almost like I accepted it and believed it would just be better to give up... 

After I read this quote it made me remember how we might stumble and fall but we have a choice of staying there or getting back up, dusting myself off and making another choice.... because it is right, we are never done. There is no ending, there is only continual change. . . we don't just work out in the gym and say there, 'I'm done'... we can't just say I ate healthy and 'that's it'. I think we all want that, I know I wish it was easier as it sometimes feels overwhelming.

I am not back on track yet but I have a desire to get there, I haven't even had the true desire in such a long time. It has been frustrating to me as exercising is not easy at all, I am cognizant that I am going to have to put in more time at a slower and easier pace... I also need to commit to finding other ways to get to where I want to be. Just because I could walk for hours in the past doesn't mean that is the only way I can back to the path, the one where I felt healthy, strong and happy with where I was.  I was worried as winter is on its way and that time of the year tends to sideline me as it does many people...

Instead of thinking/believing I am set up to fail because of the weather, the weight and the physical pain I have... I just have to find another way, there is not just one path for us to get us to where we desire... There are many trails, falling backwards happens to us all, not staying there is a choice we each make. I was feeling helpless, out of control... sure there was no way to deal with the setback in my health...

Then I read the quote which popped out at me and reminded me I am tenacious, I have always been this way... I have made it through so many trials where once I was sure I wouldn't make it through. Like the quote says mediocrity is tenacious, I have to be more so... I need to be stronger than mediocrity... I cannot be comfortable when I make it to a certain destination... as the truth is that we should never be complacent and stop... we need to be reaching for the next desire that can help us grow.

I don't want to accept that failure is easier because I am tired of trying... that is definitely mediocrity that has found a way in ... basically, I let my guard down and I gave up but thankfully I don't have to stay there... I don't have to give up, I can keep fighting and I can succeed... I have to make that choice, I have done it in the past, I know I can do it again... that is how tenacity beats mediocrity...

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All The Scars That Made Me Stronger

This last week was a week that gave me time to reflect, due to two massive snowstorms that essentially shut our city down. We had so much snow that it was actually a little scary... I thought about people who might need medical care or if a fire were to happen.

Thankfully I didn't lose power, so I just waited it out. I do live very close to a store that is open 24/7, so I ventured out there once the storm stopped. What normally takes me 3-4 minutes to get there, took me about 10-12 minutes of hard exercise. I used muscles I didn't even know I had.

We are all hoping this is the last of it, it's been a long hard Winter here that has made me think about some alternatives. Which I'll get into later after I look into my options more in depth. The Maritimes can be a tough place for the Winters, yet I am aware that all places have there weather issues.

It's much like the trials we have been given throughout our lives... we often think life would be easier without the challenges we have ... but truthfully aren't they what makes us who we are? Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by them and I just want to hide but there's a part of me that won't allow that.

I'm sure many of you know that I was burned in a fire when I was 15 months old, I wrote about it in the post The Fire - 48 Years Ago. Over the years I have often wondered where I would be in this life if I had not had to deal with the trial of the fire. I learned early on that we are not truly loved for what we look like on the outside, that comes from who we really are on the inside.

I have thought over the years that my being scarred has prevented me from finding love. I have even had a few men tell me that it bothered them, which hurt but I came to the conclusion that if they could not see past the outer me, they were missing out on the real me.

I am the girl who would love someone with her whole heart and I would be tenacious enough to never give up because of superficial things. I feel sorry for the men I have met in my life who couldn't look past the scars I have...We all have them, some of ours are more visible than others.

Even though my life was incredibly difficult with having to live with the scars, I don't think I would change it if I could because I might not have learned that we are not truly loved for who we are on the outside, it is what is inside that counts.

I believe those scars made me stronger, kinder and more compassionate than I would have been without them. They helped me to be more real, more myself and more understanding... I wouldn't trade them for anything. 

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Light Will Shine Through The Dark

Monday was a rough day for many people after we learned that Robin Williams had not only died but he had taken his own life. Most of what I read was very respectful and emotional. I know from reading that there were people that thought he was selfish, I don't think that he was, I think he was in a lot of pain. I have been in that kind of pain... it's a sad place to be in. For me I am grateful I have a strong foundation that no matter how bad it gets, I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone knows that, not everyone can hold on until it shows up.

I know that this last challenge for me was harder than anything I have ever dealt with, for nine long months I held on because I knew somewhere along the line a light would show up and things would get better. It was probably the longest nine months of my life, each day I had to convince myself that life would get better, I would smile again and I would find joy. I never lost hope, there were days that it was incredibly hard but thankfully I did hold on and like it always does, the light showed up, I smile again and I feel joy.

I know I don't ever want to experience that pain again but I found out I was stronger than I ever believed. I wish other people that are suffering with depression find something that helps them to believe things will get better. Nothing is perfect, I still have a day here and there... the good thing now is that even a bad day has a light. I'm trying to write it all down so that when another rough patch comes, I can come back here and be reminded that life always gets better.

I always feel sad when someone is not able to hold on... I hope they are finally free on the other side. Nobody knows the pain others have had to deal with ... I wish people could be less judgmental and more understanding that a depressed person cannot just get over it and move on, sometimes it takes counseling and even medication. What's truly needed though is compassion ... I think we all could show a little more love towards one another, there would be more people holding on if we did...

I also came away with a great deal of gratitude that I had the tenacity to hold on and that I continued to believe that no matter how bad it was and it was heart wrenching pain... I made it through. I would like to think that with each challenge I have overcome, that I would be that much stronger to handle the next ones that may come along. Also, I have been sleeping for about a 5 hour stretch at a time, for the last 3 days, with the sleeping the dreams have followed...

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Making It Through To The Other Side

I remember thinking I would never get to this day... this time and actually say that I am happy. Even though this last year was both a high and a low... the high getting my life back, the low losing 'him'. I cannot nor will I ever understand why?... only 'he' would know and 'he' never said.

I was a basket case, I couldn't sleep, I still have issues, I cried all the time and I barely functioned. For nine long months I wondered if I'd ever feel joy again? Could I believe in love? In those first nine months I doubted that I could. Truthfully I wasn't sure I wanted to again.

Honestly after giving my whole heart and soul to 'him' only to be hurt more than I ever thought possible... I wasn't sure I ever wanted to love that way again. Why would I want to when 'he' did and said everything 'he' said he wouldn't? 'He' became all that he promised he never would... I remember asking 'him' one time, if someone else came into his life, how would that affect us? 'He' told me she would have to accept that we were friends...

What did I learn from all of this? Just because I'm open and honest does not mean everyone else is... people have their own agendas... No matter what some people say, they don't mean it when the time comes to prove the truth. No matter what we think or believe, not everyone is like us, not everyone is as open and honest. As much as I wanted to shut down, close out the world and try to forget the pain... It was there, the old me would have done everything possible to bury that pain deep, where no one could find it but the me of today won't let that happen anymore.

I heard the quote about how  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” and it resonated with me and what I went through. I know that some people don't think what happened was anything that could destroy a person but for me, having my trust broken is one of the worst things I have dealt with. I believe losing trust is one of the most difficult things to deal with because it makes you question everything you have ever trusted in... and everyone.

The quote made me think about how no matter what is thrown my way, I keep getting stronger even when I doubt that I can... I am tenacious, I never give up and I always make it through to the other side.

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The Past Is Just That, The Past

I've been thinking a great deal about how my life is going to change drastically in the next six months. This week is going to be a good time to clear my mind of things that are not important... I will have to be organized if I plan to be successful with school, there will be a great deal of study time needed. The accounting course doesn't start until September ... so I will have two courses overlap for about three months.  What I am going to do is work ahead with the first one so that I can have enough time to do other things like walking, writing and reading blogs. Not to mention I am a mama first... I have a lot of juggling and organizing to do to get ready.  

I wanted to let you all know I'm still very determined to give my best and being healthy is very important to me. I think sometimes we lose ourselves while giving so much of ourselves to others.... I got my voice back after Andrey had tried to control my every move, that was when I finally stood up and didn't allow him or others to control me any longer.  I have always been centered when I want something...  this time was different for me, I was even more determined than normal.

A year ago, I took my life back and changed it by 180 degrees, I got into an exercise routine and ate as healthy as possible... I didn't even let my 50th birthday be an excuse to eat how I would have in the past.  I didn't feel deprived, I felt as if I was working on becoming and staying physically healthy ... So, I wondered what had changed that feeling about a month or so ago.. where was the drive I had?  Tonight I came home, dropped my bags and then instantly changed my clothing and left to take a good long walk.  

It felt like old times, I felt great putting forth the energy to walk/jog a 5k again... I am hoping the weather cooperates with me while Valentina is away so that I can get a 5k in everyday.  I really liked walking in the morning ... that has not been so easy to get back to... I know that I have to make the decision and just do it, otherwise I will come up with excuse after excuse.. and the truth is, I am no longer a girl with excuses... I am a girl who is more than willing to change and put forth any effort to never go back to who I was in the past. 

I am not my past and I shouldn't be judged on it... no one should... especially when the work has been put in to make the changes. The past is just that, the past.

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I Won't Let The Bumps Derail Me

 

Today the weather was clear and sunny, it was cold... but the sun lifted my spirits a little, being able to see that Spring is definitely trying to take over... soon I will be able to head out the door without layers and layers of clothing.

It has been almost ten months since I made a commitment to myself and changed my whole way of life, in less than one year I lost almost 80 pounds and became a much healthier version of myself.  When I decided to make the change and really put the effort in, I realized although it was hard work, it was not impossible, as I had always thought. 

I had grown up quite slim and did not really gain weight until after I had my oldest daughter Andrea.  I tried a few times over the years to lose the weight, usually I was semi successful with Weight Watchers but I never really put eating healthy with exercising together.  Basically I would eat well, lose the weight, then go back to eating the way I did before and of course put the weight back on.  What makes this different... I wanted this more than I have ever wanted it before in my life.

My intentions were never to become really slim, I am quite happy where I am right now, I plan to tone up, get back to walking/jogging ... if I lose some more, bonus... if I don't I know the toning up will help me to lose inches and define my shape even more.  I changed my lifestyle and frankly, I never want to go back there again. I like the way I feel and I am feeling good about the way my body looks...

The next phase of my life will be mostly about maintaining, that will be a new challenge all on its own, I am up for this challenge though, I don't ever plan to give up on maintaining the best health I can for myself ... I changed when I learned to love myself where I was ... that is when I knew I would be successful, even if there were bumps in the road, which there have been many. I didn't let the bumps derail me from my goal.

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I've Been Looking My Whole Life

I read a blog the other night by Dawn called  With wisdom gained it touched me deeply in my heart and I hope that what I write here will really convey what I felt.  She doesn't write often but when she writes it touches me deeply in my soul.  The first quote she had in the post had me crying and I continued to cry throughout the whole post.

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin 

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

“You carry away with you a reflection of me, a part of me. I dreamed you; I wished for your existence. You will always be a part of my life. If I love you, it must be because we shared, at some moment, the same imaginings, the same madness, the same stage.” - Anaïs Nin - See more at: http://healingmorning.blogspot.ca/2014/02/with-wisdom-gained.html#sthash.bhNJ0P4t.dpuf

That is not a bad thing, it meant I really felt what she was trying to convey to her readers.  It really spoke to me because I actually knew what she meant, I have had this happen once in my life, the feeling of... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and losing that left me empty inside. 

She wrote this earlier in the week and I took a few days to digest it, really think about it... and although I lost that person who knew me inside out, they lost me too... it is rare, very rare to meet or find someone that you can be that close to, someone you can share all your inner thoughts with and not feel like you are being judged. 

It has been more difficult than anything I can write here but I cannot let losing this person out of my life harden me so that I don't give that same passion to someone who deserves it... if I allowed it to harden me because of the deep sadness it caused I will never be able to move forward and find it again.  I will find it again and that person will be deserving of what I will offer.

I remember when I was a very young girl and going through the trial of being raised by my ex step mother who did all that she could to beat me down, literally. I always knew there was something better and that I had to be strong enough to make it through all her craziness.  I believed once I was free of her that I would find someone special who would truly love me for who I was and not try to tear me down. 

People that do everything within their power to pull you down to their level are nothing but insecure and they feel undeserving of love.  What ultimately happens with them is that they lose what they fight so hard to keep... because attempting to destroy other people to keep what you want will never last.  Just ask my ex step mother, she lost everything eventually and ended up a lonely old woman with nothing. 

I refuse to be bitter, I refuse to give up and I refuse to let the smallness of other people take away my dreams, my hopes and my wishes.  This last six months have been a refining period in my life, one I have needed to grow... so that I will be ready to have that someone special who will come along and feel lucky and blessed to have found me.  They won't leave or give up because they too will remember that feeling... Ahh... there you are, I have been looking my whole life for you... and I will say... I have always been here... becoming the best me so that I can give the best of myself to you, just as he will want to give me the best of himself too.

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I Can Weather Any Storm

I have been wanting to write for days, I have started the first line many times...  I know what I want to say, I just didn't feel like I could say it.  My words have been used against me, twisted in ways I don't even recognize them.   That is why I wrote my last post ... to make myself perfectly clear.  The thought that someone would do everything they could to hurt me is beyond me, I have no desire to hurt anyone like that.

I realized that anyone who took the time to search all of my writings to twist my words to paint me one way, doesn't make them right.  I am not what they want to portray me as, I am tenacious and I never give up... this is the way I have always been... I have had to come through a lot more than this last challenge and I have always come out on top.  I survived ten years of child abuse, being a single mom at the age of eighteen, the emotional abuse in my marriage, the rape... losing him... I can survive whatever is dished out to me.

Believe me when this last challenge came along, I wanted to lay all the words out to prove that they had twisted everything out of proportion but I knew that this is what they wanted from me, I will never break my promise ... some things will stay where they belong and that will leave them to wonder...  Besides, even when it is in plain English, these types of people will find a way to twist them for their own benefit.

It's because they are insecure and they don't believe in themselves... otherwise they wouldn't take hours out of their day trying to pull another person down.  I personally don't have hours in my day to waste hurting anyone... I believe in karma.  I know you cannot keep hurting people and it not come back to you, it is a fact of life, I almost feel sorry for them, because I know that what karma gives back is worse than what is given out. 

So, think about how many hours of your life that were wasted searching for ways to pull me down... since nothing could really be found, my words were twisted so that you could feel better... I am never going to stop writing and I will say what I feel even if my words are taken out of context to appease someone else.  It's better that this person wastes time pulling me down, instead of hurting someone else who might not be able to deal with it... I am strong and tenacious, I can weather any storm.

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Always Reaching

The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

Before I was going to write last night, I thought I might get to my reading list but I ended up deciding to write first, then have an early night and sleep in hopefully... then get into my reading.  Do you sometimes find that with each good thing we get into our life, something else happens to complicate it?  I know I have to deal with challenges, otherwise I will never grow to my potential but sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good. 

Here is the good and actually I would say it was the great... as of today, I am in One der land, I have not seen a number on a scale that did not have a two in front of it for almost 30 years of my life.  When I think about that, I feel sad for that girl from the past, I had no self worth or self esteem... I definitely tried a few times over the years to lose the weight.  I was successful at times but I never got under the elusive 200, that is always the tough number... in the past I gave up and put the weight back on, today I pushed through and I reached my second goal, the first one being losing 50 pounds. To date I have lost 70 pounds, I have maybe another 20 pounds to take off.

That was a wonderful thing that happened to me in this year because with the weight loss, I started to gain my self esteem back and then came my self worth.  When I look in the mirror today, I like the body image I see... I think the last time I really did that was when I was 16, after that I just gained the weight year after year, losing some... gaining back more.  What is different about this time you might be thinking, that would be the exercising that I am doing along with eating healthy.  As well, I want it... I am dedicated and I am not letting anything get in my way.

Then along comes the challenges that I am really not going to get into because no one can make them right for me... suffice to say I sometimes wonder how I am still standing.  I remember when I was 16 years old and my grandmother told me how she thought I was one of the most tenacious people she knew.  It stuck with me as my nan wasn't one to hand out compliments very often, she was very kind and sweet though.  I remembered that through each challenge I have had, I have held on with tenacity.

I am beginning to believe I had to go through all that to be able to handle the ones I have been given this year.  Unfortunately it isn't just one... but that is life, I have to figure out how to find the joy from the pain that will eventually make me stronger than I am today.  I know this because every time I have dealt with something overwhelming I have been sure I could not handle the pain but I did of course and I became stronger.  That is why at the moment although it seems like I have been handed one too many things to deal with, in reality I just have to figure out a way through them... So I can see what I should be reaching for next.

Better Than The Day Before

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

I spent two hours typing in the other blog yesterday and the day before, it is amazing what comes out of you when you just say what you feel no matter what, the only person that can judge you is yourself and I have come too far to judge myself that harshly.  I have made many mistakes over the years, some of them had bigger consequences depending on the incident.  What I came away with after I had written as much as I could write, was that although I have made mistakes, I have grown... lately I have grown in leaps and bounds.

No matter how difficult things are going in my life and currently they are not great... I see that I have a determination and commitment that I have never really had before.  I love that I am still so focused... I have a goal to get to for my weight and a goal to become the best me... Frankly the old me would have thrown the towel in and just gone to town with the food, not caring, just numbing myself.  I don't want to do that anymore, I always want to be cognizant of what I am eating...

When I say things are not great lately, I mean they are just so up in the air... I feel like I am just tying to get my feet under me but another thing comes along to add to the pile.  I have some great things happening, I am still losing weight and this week I didn't even put the effort in other than the food part which I followed.  I still managed to lose 1.6 pounds with minimal exercise... I can just imagine what I would have lost if I had put in the effort... Next week I am going exercise since I miss it so much, it is such a great way to get rid of tension... it is a good place to work things out.

I think writing the last few nights have helped me to see a couple of my issues in another light, frankly I have been overwhelmed by a few things which affects other areas of my life.  After writing last night I knew that when I exercised even when I felt this way, I would always feel better for putting forth the effort.  This last week I have had one thing come up after another so I wasn't able to make it out to the gym, those were only excuses though.  I didn't put the effort in, I should have bypassed some of those and just did it... I have that fire back inside.  I am looking forward into getting in some form of exercise tomorrow.

I planned to walk at lunch today but it poured rain, so I will attempt this all again tomorrow.  I am not giving up on myself, I am not sliding backwards.  Life may have just thrown me a dozen loops or more but I am not giving into the stress and allowing myself to ever go back.  I want better, I want more... I deserve more.  My body misses exercise, I miss pushing myself beyond my limits... I remember wondering how people could walk a mile in under 15 minutes... now I do it all the time.  Especially when I am pushing myself, it feels good to get out and get rid of some stress along the way.

I was thinking, I need a friendly little contest or competition, since I am highly competitive it would get me out exercising again.  I will have to come up with some idea in the next day or so, it would be fun to complete again.   I could be at my goal weight for January, the latest February... I am getting excited, I can hardly wait to see how I look when I get there and see how I feel.  Already I feel amazing losing 61 and half pounds and all in five months... I can just imagine how much better I will be feeling once the other 20-25 pounds is gone. 

Time for me to exhale again... I have been holding my breath waiting for the next awful thing to happen... tonight I am going to look for the next good thing and I am going to make good things happen.  I am not going to be defined by my past, I have moved away from that, I have made changes and I have learned a lot of hard lessons.  I have lost a great deal, more than I thought I could handle... I am still here though, still wanting to be better than the day before, isn't that all we can do...

I Don't Play Games, I Win Games

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.

Finally, I will sleep like a baby tonight... it's about time.  I was worried for nothing... I forgot my own worth, it is back now... I am no longer going to sit around and be upset about anything that isn't important.  My new motto is watch me... I have now taken 56 pounds off in 18 weeks, I have about another 30 pounds to lose. I am excited to finally get to where I wanted to for so many years.  I stopped with the excuses, there is no excuse out there that will take me off my course ever again.  I went swimming last night and let me tell you, what a workout that was, I was swimming, running in the water, doing flips, hand stands for ninety minutes... I felt like I was in my twenties.  It helps to have lost a great deal of weight.

People that have known me all my life are dropping there jaws, my picture is not even showing the weight loss as well as it does in person.  People are telling me that I have lost enough... I haven't as even when I lose the 30 pounds I will still be considered overweight by 20-25 pounds.  However; I won't be the least bit overweight, I will be curvy, just the way I like myself.  Right now, I am so centered on becoming even better than I am now... that means swimming once or twice per week, taking Zumba twice a week, walking 3-4 times per week and adding in strength training 3-4 times per week.

I am in the zone, I cannot believe that I was the least bit upset about NOTHING... when it is all said and done... I will be the one who comes out on top.  I forgot my own tenacity, I have overcome more than most people have ... and I always come out on top... First and foremost, if I want something... I go after it and I get it... sometimes I realize somethings are not worth it and I move on to better things. Once I make my mind up, I make it up fast and there is no changing it.  It will even be faster now that I have my full self esteem back in place where it should have always been.

I also know and believe that everything will be as it should be, worrying about it, being sad about it will not change it...  I am just going to focus more on doing the things I need to do to become the best me that is possible and everything else will fall into place.  My problem was that I was worried about something I need not worry about... sometimes I wonder when I have so little faith when I have seen so many things turn around on a dime.  I don't play games, I win games...

Taking My Life Back One Day At A Time

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore. 

I took a couple of days off so that I could take Valentina to her first day of school, at first I thought that they went back on September 3rd but found out it was September 4th... good thing I took both days off.  That gave me a five day weekend with the holiday.  I also felt it would be a great time for me to workout a lot while I was off, yesterday I walked twice for a total of 5.12 miles and I was able to walk a 5K in 47.2 minutes... I am really getting my speed up and I know if I can start running a little more than a few sprints here and there that I will be able to really get that time down for my October 6th 5K walk/run.  Believe it or not, I am really looking forward to it, so funny as three months ago I could barely walk for 15-20 minutes without feeling like I was going to pass out...

So, today I am spending the day in the house doing housework and then going to see my doctor, she has not seen me for almost six weeks, I am sure I will shock her with all my weight loss.  I was hoping to walk back and forth to the doctors as that is about an hour both ways, however; the weather decided not to cooperate with me.  There is too much rain, I wouldn't mind a little spritzing here and there but not downpours.  So no walking today which makes me kind of sad, yes I love walking now... I love working out period.  It will be Fall very soon and I realize that I will no longer be able to walk outside as much as I like, I do have a gym at work but that would mean getting there really early to use it and then having to have a shower before I started work, I don't think I would be able to work out as much as I want to that way.  So Canada Games Center here I come, I will be joining up by the end of this month.

My David has to go in for surgery again, he finds out more on Friday... can I say, enough is enough...  this will be three surgeries in less than a year, I can't handle being so far from him when he is going through this... I know he has people there that can help him but I want to be there, looking after him so that he doesn't re injure himself again. When I was off with my surgery I had the VON come in daily and look after my skin-graft... as well I had many church people bring me meals so that I didn't have to cook for a couple of weeks, all I had to do was rest... Apparently with stomach surgery they don't think you need help, I would think that was when you needed it the most, the core part of your body is healing and you shouldn't be doing anything to cause injury to it again.

All I can do from here is pray and send out positive vibes for him... I know that is something... but I would really prefer being there, that way I would know he was getting the proper amount of rest.  Anyhow, prayers it is, many will be on the way... I have already started and I will continue.  I won't be able to rest until I know he is out of the surgery and on the mend.  In the meantime I will be exercising like crazy... I have another contest to win with my sister.  She and I were talking and she is finding it hard to get her exercise in with her job... I am sure she will figure a way out as this girl loves to exercise more than I do, she has been doing this for over 20 years, I have just started.  I still don't think she has much hope of winning, I am much more competitive than most people, once I get something in my head I just go on auto pilot.

I know many people who say to me, I want your drive, determination, motivation... we all have it, we just have to tap into it... For me it all started with something my David said to me, I don't even think he realized that he started all this... one day I will tell him, probably when I go to visit him this spring.  I remember thinking, I really, really want to change my life, I really need to change my life.  Then not even a week later the email came out at work about the Biggest Loser Challenge and I knew that was my answer... for many years we have had this challenge and I have told people that I didn't get involved because I knew how competitive I was, I am sure people thought uh huh... well, I proved that I was telling the truth... I knew what I was capable of... Now that I have proven that, I cannot go back to my old lifestyle... I can only move forwards.  This was never about a contest, this was about getting my life back and proving to myself that I am and was better than what I had allowed myself to become...

When people tell me that they want to change their life but then post some high calorie food on their Facebook, or proceed to give me reasons why it is impossible for them to workout as much as they would like... I realize they are not ready to take their lives back.  I am not judging anyone, I was right there, I used to talk about getting it together, changing my life.  One day I just did it, I got up and started walking and I didn't stop... I am hoping to see these people do the same thing... I don't have a magic answer, I just know for me that I fell in love with exercise and I could not imagine not doing it... I am really hoping that I find even more fun things to do at the Canada Games Center... I don't ever want to go back to that lifestyle again, I want to stay healthy and continue on this path. I love that I took my life back, I am doing it one day at a time.

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥ 

I Won The Contest And I Won My Life Back Too

The only thing that matters now is my mission.  Nothing will stand in the way anymore.  

The contest may be over but I am still on the journey of becoming the healthiest me that I can be ...  even if I hadn't won the money portion, I still won by getting my life back, however; as Cindy says.. was there ever any doubt that I would win? ... no.  I am extremely competitive and once I caught the vision of exercise and how very fun it was I have been hooked.  In the past 11 weeks I have walked over 230 miles, that is an average of 20+ miles per week.

I lost an additional 3.8 pounds on my eleventh week, which ended up being a total of 37.2 pounds.  I was shocked  but thrilled that every week I lost weight... I know the time will come that I will plateau and maybe even gain a pound here and there... I will just power through until my body understands this is a lifestyle change and not about dieting.

So, this week was crazy busy leading up the final weigh in, which is good in a way, most weeks are not going to be smooth sailing with eating healthy and exercising whenever I feel like it.  There are going to be challenges that get in the way.  Here is my week, Monday I got up and walked about two and half miles, then I took Valentina to get her ears pierced in the evening(no go though, they wanted her health card)... we went home, talked to my sister who was in town visiting.  Tuesday morning I walked about two and a half miles in the morning and then in the evening I spent that with my physiotherapist and then my sister showed up and we talked until quite late. Wednesday I walked another two and a half miles, then Wednesday evening was all about having a family dinner, there were nine of us and we had a good time. Thursday I walked about two miles and then saw my physiotherapist again.

I was completely exhausted by this point and I knew I was taking a break from walking on Friday, I left for work early and in a pretty good mood as I felt confident that I had worked hard enough to win and I was thrilled that I was still in the zone of wanting to stay healthy and keep on this path.  I have goals such as the 5k I am running/walking on October 6th... plus I really want to take up Zumba and maybe Latin dancing this winter.  Anyhow, I looked down at my phone and there was a message from my David... it was 6:30 am my time and 3:30 am his time, I opened the message and instantly my mood changed... he wanted me to know he had been admitted to the hospital, due to complications with his stomach.  The air was knocked out of me, I started to panic and all I wanted in that moment was to be able to go to him but it wasn't possible, he is thousands of miles away.

I sat on the bus crying with worry, praying constantly for David... he's my best friend, he is the man that I love and I couldn't be there for him.  I somehow made it to work but the whole day was a massive blur, I took calls, answered questions on auto pilot, made my way home... I had won the contest and it felt good but all that mattered was finding out if my D was alright... Finally later in the evening I got a quick message that they would be keeping him in for one more day and that there would be no emergency surgery.  He's not out of the woods yet, he may still need surgery in the near future... but at least for now he isn't in imminent danger.  I am very relieved about this but also sad that I am this far away from him... I can only imagine how his daughter is feeling, she must be so worried...

The good thing about all this is that when I nearly fell apart about David, I didn't think what can I eat, I just let myself feel and I cried when the emotion came up.  It was okay for me to be sad and worried, I had no way of knowing how he was... I had to wait to hear from him... I didn't use the crazy busy week I had as an excuse not to eat healthy good food an even though I was challenged to exercise as much as I like, I still exercised as much as I could.  That proves to me that I am not just on this weight loss kick for a contest, I am on this weight loss kick for the long haul, I am getting my life back day by day.

We can all do this, we just have to decide it and not give up when challenges are thrown our way, just power through. I actually won my life back this past eleven weeks...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥