I Cherish My Past, I Accept My Present, I Dream For My Future

I have been going through a change lately, I think a lot of it is due to not being healthy because of my leg... I have been limited in what I can do and for how long.   Grocery shopping exhausts me, the smallest tasks overwhelm me... but I am lucky, I have some very good friends who help me and keep me level. 

Plus all this pain has made me grateful that I have been so healthy and I will heal from this too.  I am on an upswing, I am healing slowly... I am getting through year end without a huge meltdown.  I have a great team leader who knows what I can handle and helps me to deal with what might become overwhelming.

I have been spending a lot of time with myself, just thinking, writing and reading.  Which had led me to a lot of self examination of my life... not so much about my past but more about my present.  I have been selling myself short, unbelievably short.... I can tell you that with that eye opening thought I will never do it again.

I will not except less than everything I deserve, I happen to believe that I deserve it no matter my past.  On the other hand, people in my life are still living in the past... the way to deal with the past is to let it go.  Especially if it is a bad past.  Who cares about what happened in the past, you are not there anymore, you are here... you are better off in the present.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn but I have that now.

This just made me think about how I cherish my past, even if there were some really bad experiences... I think it made me more compassionate to other people and I don't believe in judging other people.  After writing yesterdays blog about accepting what I cannot change and moving on... my new motto for my present is that I accept it.  I dream for my future, I dream big...  I am going to attain everything I want... I am very focused.

I cherish my past, I accept my present, I dream for my future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Nothing Will Change That

First and foremost my David is okay, he had his surgery and came through so well; he is home... resting and relaxing as much as possible.  I am just SO happy, SO elated... I can breathe finally, I have been so focused with worry, time for me to relax now too.

So last night I was laying in bed... I couldn't sleep right away so I decided to write and I wrote the poem below.  I have realized that my biggest fear with my David was that if I told him that I still loved him that I would lose him as a friend; that could happen but I don't think that it will.  I am moving on for me and for him.

Time stands still for me
When my thoughts are in the past
I'm leaving them there today

I'm moving on, I need to do this for me and for you
The truth must be said, at all costs
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

I've been afraid for far too long
Afraid if I said how I felt, that things would change
I don't want to be afraid anymore

I am confronting my fear here and now
Maybe I have the fear for no reason
Maybe that is the lesson I need to learn

Or it might be that I'd lose you
But you'd lose me too
And I would be a great loss

We will always be unfinished business in my heart
The door will never close
I will always be there for you

One more time, I accept the present
I'm moving on, for me and for you
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

Before Christmas and through to New Years, I was barely holding myself together... I did it for Valentina.  I kept myself together, fearing that I would fall completely apart after New Years; I didn't fall apart, I am actually feeling my heart healing.  I am happier, I have goals that I am working towards. 

I am grateful that I found a way to change my thoughts and emotions so that I can finally write what my biggest fear was, it's no longer a fear anymore... I am at peace with whatever happens. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield