Remember

 The only thing that matters now is my mission, nothing will stand in my way anymore.

When I was younger I used to write poetry all the time, I even had an empty book that I wrote all of them in... one day I lost it and with it I lost my desire to write anymore poems.  It took me another 25 years plus to write anything again... I think it was the hardest post for me to publish, next to my post about being raped.  I have written sporadic poetry over the past year, it is always difficult to hit publish... maybe because it can be taken so many ways and basically they are just words from my heart. 

This was a poem I wrote many years ago...

Remember
 
When I remember all the memories we had
I remember the good times not the bad
Life was so wonderful way back when
Where did it go, I think about it time and again.

I'll always remember the time we shared and how I felt
One caress and a look from you eyes made my heart melt
Your eyes they mesmerized me
Where could that love we had be?

Many times I wonder what broke us apart
I've looked through my mind and felt with my heart
There was no reason that I could see
Maybe we didn't try or was it just me?

Now we're apart and on our own
Be happy with her, I'm glad you're not alone
So, when you remember all the memories we had
Like me Baby, remember the good times and not the bad.

´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´
♥«´¨`•°..Launna ..°•´¨`»♥
.¸.•*(¸.•*´♥`*•.¸)`*•.

Maybe One Day, The Words Of You Won't Spill Out Of Me (.As Far As The Eye Can See.)

I have been following a blog for well over a year now, it is called .As Far As The Eye Can See.  The author of this blog goes simply by the name of S. ... She writes some of the most beautiful poetry and thoughts I have had the pleasure to read... by following her I have met some equally talented writers.  I would love to name them all but I fear I might leave someone out and I don't like to do that.

This morning I opened S. latest blog and I was floored by what she wrote... it was simple yet profound.  The link to this post is Poisoned ink  This is what she wrote:

As much as I can claim that it happened years ago (or yesterday), it hasn't.  I guess, when I've truly purged you from my system, I'll know. 
It will be when I go to write and you are not the one that leaks out. 

S.

I felt like she was writing my thoughts, there are days I sit down to blog because I feel a strong desire to do so...  and usually  it ends up being about my 'D' ... with this thought... I feel that there is hope that one day I will sit down to write and my David won't spill out all over the blank page.  

I would write about him every single day but I don't let myself... maybe one day I will have written it all and I won't feel the need to write about him... maybe I will sit down and nothing about him will come out.  Hmmm... probably not but I can dream... 

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Sweet Kisses

Our first kiss, what can I say
Butterflies and tummy flip flops
Plus a long sigh
Then the giggle when we realized how amazing it was

The second kiss in my hallway...
Where we just leaned into each other
Laying my head on your chest afterwards
Listening to your heart beat, not wanting to move

The third kiss in my room
I was drifting off to sleep
You came in, kissed me softly until I sighed
Falling asleep with that lovely moment

The forth kiss, the night before you left
Holding you close... not wanting to let you go
Feeling like I was losing a part of me
This was to be our last kiss

There were many more kisses in between...
Each one special on their own
All imprinted in my memory
Never to be forgotten, the first, the last and the in betweens
xoxox

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Turning It Around

I'm in the mood to write poetry and even though the word poetry sounds flowery and pretty, not all poems are, yet I find those ones the most meaningful, the ones I connect to.  They are the real ones that make you realize you are not alone in your trials and challenges, other people are dealing with the same pain and by writing the pain out in poetry, it helps them and the reader to understand what they are going through.

So, today truly started out great... I had an amazing morning with Valentina, I made it to work early so that I could relax... I had a nice quiet day where I was able to help the clients, it was a day I felt satisfaction with, however; within an hour of leaving work, my mood had changed around.  I came home read some blogs and a couple of them really touched me because they had had a bad day too but they were going to do what they needed to turn it around.  I decided I will write out my feelings in a poem and then turn this day around and end it on a really good note.

 Do you think before you speak?
you must because you have to type it
yet you type it all without thinking and hit send
then you wonder why I feel the way I do?

Really? Do you think if I think the way you do
that I will be happy and everything will be fine?
That's not the way it works, you can't have it both ways
Why didn't I know this before?

Will you feel less guilty if I do what you ask?
will it make you happy, even if you know it won't make me happy?
Therein lies the difference between us
I could never be truly happy if you weren't

I feel like a fraud with you, always saying what you want to hear
never saying how you make me feel
always thinking before I type
then sending, hoping it will bring a smile to you

I want it to be in the future and that we made it past all this
but right now I can't see a good ending for us
which makes me very sad...
We both will lose, I wonder when you will realize that...

I just needed to purge and say whatever was inside... now I am going to have a nice hot bubble bath then curl up with a good book and get some sleep... I can almost feel things turning around :)

 I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Being Resilient In Tough Times

I am feeling a big change coming, it might have to do with work... I have been in the same position for five years and it's about time I challenge myself in another department.  Also it might have to do with getting healthy, this is huge, I haven't made this big of a commitment to myself in forever.  This is not something I plan on taking lightly, I am putting my all into it.  Yet I still think there is another change coming, maybe as early as summer... I am taking a wait and see attitude, I am not going to rely on anything until I see it come together.

Part of me is really excited for all the changes that are happening to me right now and in the future, part of me is a little fearful I won't live up to the challenges.  I just don't want to disappoint myself by not valuing myself enough to really put my heart and soul into each challenge that is placed before me or chosen by me.

I am trying to get myself into a really good frame of mind, where no matter what the outcome is, I will not let it define how I feel...  I think there are things that can devastate us for a moment in time but somehow we are resilient enough to get past those life lessons and even become stronger for it.  When I think about the many challenges I have overcome in my life, I am happy to see how far I have come.  I definitely have more growth opportunity in many aspects of my life but one thing at a time, otherwise I could overwhelm myself and then not accomplish any growth.

You know what I find amazing is how a song can bring up emotions that I swear I have under control, all I have to do is hear the first line and I am in a certain place in time or it evokes uncontrollable emotions.  Much like a piece of poetry does to me, I think songs are just poetry with music... Lately I have been writing a little poetry on the side, I share an occasional one on my blog but mostly I keep it for me... mainly because it's so personal and so emotional.  I am glad that I finally started writing poetry again after 25 years, it has given me another creative outlet.  I can never have enough of these.

These next couple of months is going to show how resilient I am... with the many changes I am going to be making in my life.  One of those changes will either go extremely well or extremely wrong... although that is very scary for me, I am going to go with it... if I hold back in anything, I will always wonder what if...?   I hope it's all worth it ultimately, I guess having closure is always a good thing, one way or the other...

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Slices Of Light

I think of my yesterdays
Remembering specific feelings
Standing in the dark
Wondering if I would see or feel the light

Suddenly, I feel the light before I see it
My insides are bursting with happiness
Everything seems clear
All the questions I had, finally answered

I feel safe standing in the light with you
Nothing is jumbled, it's bright
Brighter than I have ever seen or felt
I'm not afraid

Then the dark is back
Maybe the light was never real
Only in my imagination
I lay curled in my bed

Trying to sleep
The feelings all still three
Never going away
They were real, the light was real

Today I sometimes wish it was a dream
I could dismiss it all
Remembering slices of light
Only remind me I am back in the dark

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

Nothing Will Change That

First and foremost my David is okay, he had his surgery and came through so well; he is home... resting and relaxing as much as possible.  I am just SO happy, SO elated... I can breathe finally, I have been so focused with worry, time for me to relax now too.

So last night I was laying in bed... I couldn't sleep right away so I decided to write and I wrote the poem below.  I have realized that my biggest fear with my David was that if I told him that I still loved him that I would lose him as a friend; that could happen but I don't think that it will.  I am moving on for me and for him.

Time stands still for me
When my thoughts are in the past
I'm leaving them there today

I'm moving on, I need to do this for me and for you
The truth must be said, at all costs
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

I've been afraid for far too long
Afraid if I said how I felt, that things would change
I don't want to be afraid anymore

I am confronting my fear here and now
Maybe I have the fear for no reason
Maybe that is the lesson I need to learn

Or it might be that I'd lose you
But you'd lose me too
And I would be a great loss

We will always be unfinished business in my heart
The door will never close
I will always be there for you

One more time, I accept the present
I'm moving on, for me and for you
I love you, I always will, nothing can change that

Before Christmas and through to New Years, I was barely holding myself together... I did it for Valentina.  I kept myself together, fearing that I would fall completely apart after New Years; I didn't fall apart, I am actually feeling my heart healing.  I am happier, I have goals that I am working towards. 

I am grateful that I found a way to change my thoughts and emotions so that I can finally write what my biggest fear was, it's no longer a fear anymore... I am at peace with whatever happens. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Poetry From My Heart

I have challenged myself before a few times in the past year, one I have never stepped up to and taken on.  It's writing poetry, I find myself the most vulnerable and the most critical of myself...

So, I have decided to just write what's in my heart and mind without over thinking it and then just publish it.  I used to write poetry all the time but as time went on I became more critical of what I wrote, so I stopped.

Here goes:

My mind is going around in cirles
Ever trying to break down my resolve
I stand firm, not giving in

A song plays and somehow I am lost in time
Thinking of another place, one much happier
Then it's over and I am back to here

I wonder how I will get through
Even though I am stronger than I ever thought
This is different, this squeezes my heart

I had to endure all the trials I endured
So that I would be strong enough to endure this
I hope I gained enough strength from the past

If I had to choose between all my trials
Having my heart broken by you would be the last
For that was more painful that all the others

I will get through this, I always find a way
I worry more about you, will you get through
Especially once you realize what I know


That was five minutes, just basically writing from my heart without really thinking about it.  I cried when I wrote this, I am going to do this a little more often, it actually feels good to write it down.  I hold it in a lot more than I should and I think by sharing it, it will help me to handle it better.

This is the first real poem I have written in almost 25 years... time to make that a thing of the past. 

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield