Rising Above The Pain

I had a dream last week that was unnerving... one because I actually dreamed (I rarely sleep long enough to get to the dream stage), two because I woke up twice and went back to the same dream and third it wasn't a pleasant dream... yet I learned something that really made me think... which then had me considering all the trials and challenges I have had to deal with in my life. I actually felt different about them.

I think many times after getting through a trial where I am finally able to breathe and have gratitude that it is over... I never really looking at what it might have been teaching me, never really seeing the good that may have come from it... just knowing it made me stronger. The dream made me think of the worst possible scenario that could happen in my life, hence why I wasn't thrilled that I kept going back it...

The next day I was watching a program on TV that had two people who had gone through a great loss, much like the one I had dreamed of... the first person could not get passed it, they were angry and said that although they had gone on with their lives, they were sure that it would always leave a dark cloud over them... The second person suffered a huge loss too but they chose to look for the good and became the best person they could, they went on to do wonderful things with their life.

I cannot judge the first person as I am not her and I did not go through what she did but it made me think of the many difficult trials that I have dealt with and what I had learned from each of them... If my life had been different and some of them had not happened, I would not be who I am today... I would not have learned some very important lessons. What I learned from that dream was that no matter what trial or challenge befalls me, I have to get up and never give up. 

Which then made me think of how I lost 'him' out of my life and where I would be if I had not... I began to think how I took the pain I had from losing 'him' and put it into exercising with my whole heart. Every time I would feel any sadness I would go out for a walk ... I became healthier than I have ever been, If I had not lost 'him' the way I did I probably wouldn't have kept up with it when I got close to my goal as I never did before, this time was different ...

I have seen two people go through the same awful trial, one rose above it and found their purpose, the other one lived in their sadness and never grew... Yes we have all had unthinkable challenges that we could continually question 'Why me'? ... No matter what it is, someone else has gone through it and rose above it... Regardless of what the pain is, it is teaching us something we need to learn... I had to decide to learn the lesson so that I can rise above the pain...

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A Dream Without Work Is Just A Dream

I have read often and in many places that it takes 21 days to create good habits or break bad habits. Either way I am into my 18th day still going strong... I have walked for a little over 14 hours and that equates to almost 50 miles. It hasn't been easy and there have been days that I thought it was too slippery, too cold, too hard (just excuses for me). Each time those thoughts came into my head, I asked myself what I wanted more? Did I want more excuses that held me back from change or did I want results that showed true change.

The answer always came back that I wanted results that showed true change, I pushed through day after day of cold, bad weather and aches and pains... my reward was losing 15 pounds ... as well I proved to myself that I am not a quitter, when I make a commitment and hold myself accountable, I succeed. I want to thank each of you who have either inspired me by your hard work and for all the encouragement along the way. Ultimately it comes down to my getting up and showing up but it makes it that much easier when I have people that are encouraging me continually.

It helps me that I have had success in the past but it didn't make it simple to get myself back on the path... life happens and it is so easy to take our eye of the goal with all the trials and challenges that are put in front of us to deal with. I want to be bigger than any trial or challenge and that means I have to be present in each moment. There were days as there will always be days that life becomes incredibly overwhelming but I don't want those days to define my long term commitments to myself.

I also think that for me, getting in shape physically and becoming healthy is only a small part of the changes I need to make. I don't talk about or discuss my faith with many people, not because I am ashamed, as I am not ashamed. I am grateful for my beliefs and knowledge. However; saying that I also think each person has their own personal beliefs and I want to respect that in others as I would want them to respect that in me.

Last week I attended my church service, it had been a long time... the gifted speakers challenged each of us to make a change to get fit physically, emotionally and spiritually. A couple of weeks before I attended church, I had asked myself some hard questions ... was I happy where I was? would I be happy in the future if I kept on the path I was on?... I knew the answer was no and that meant I had to make the necessary changes in myself if I ever hoped to have a different outcome. Then I attended my church service, there were the talks about what I had already made the commitment to a couple of weeks before, which showed me that I was on the right path, it felt good.

Life and challenges are going to get in the way, I am going to have to make the decision each and everyday I wake up to keep the commitment I have made to myself. Of course it will not be easy, of course I will fail from time to time but I am not allowing the minor failures to take away from my successes. I used to sit and dream of the life I wanted, now I get up and work for that dream daily. Dreaming is good but if you don't put the work in, it is just a dream...

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A Belief Is Only A Thought You Continue To Think

"A belief is only a thought you continue to think. A belief is nothing more than a chronic pattern of thought, and you have the ability -if you try even a little bit- to begin a new pattern, to tell a new story, to achieve a different vibration, to change your point of attraction." - Esther Hicks

I know the quote or statement above is true, I have seen this work in my life on so many occasions.  Yet I am still stuck in some of my old beliefs, I am working on a new story... a new dream.  I don't want my old beliefs to win, I need to find things that inspire me to change my point of attraction.

When I read that quote, I think it sounds a bit simplistic... Can it really be that easy?  Just tell ourselves another story?  I can't deny that this hasn't worked in very important events in my life, since it has.  It doesn't or hasn't worked for me when it comes to emotional things though, emotions are ever changing and it isn't easy to pin them down.  They kind of have a mind of their own, especially when you first fall in love.  I lose all perspective and focus, I am in a bubble and nothing else exists.

What I need to do in the future is have a new belief... one in myself, one where I know I deserve good things and happiness as much as the next person.  If I don't start believing this for myself now, I will continually run in that old belief circle where I always end up disappointed in myself because I never took the chance to believe in me.

I am grateful for each hurtle that I reach and overcome as it teaches me more about myself and shows me where I want to go. Some changes are easier than others, some are down right painful... almost unbearable but needed if I am ever to change the beliefs I have.  I am ready....

I cherish my past, I accept my present and I dream for my future ♥

I Cherish My Past, I Accept My Present, I Dream For My Future

I have been going through a change lately, I think a lot of it is due to not being healthy because of my leg... I have been limited in what I can do and for how long.   Grocery shopping exhausts me, the smallest tasks overwhelm me... but I am lucky, I have some very good friends who help me and keep me level. 

Plus all this pain has made me grateful that I have been so healthy and I will heal from this too.  I am on an upswing, I am healing slowly... I am getting through year end without a huge meltdown.  I have a great team leader who knows what I can handle and helps me to deal with what might become overwhelming.

I have been spending a lot of time with myself, just thinking, writing and reading.  Which had led me to a lot of self examination of my life... not so much about my past but more about my present.  I have been selling myself short, unbelievably short.... I can tell you that with that eye opening thought I will never do it again.

I will not except less than everything I deserve, I happen to believe that I deserve it no matter my past.  On the other hand, people in my life are still living in the past... the way to deal with the past is to let it go.  Especially if it is a bad past.  Who cares about what happened in the past, you are not there anymore, you are here... you are better off in the present.  That was a hard lesson for me to learn but I have that now.

This just made me think about how I cherish my past, even if there were some really bad experiences... I think it made me more compassionate to other people and I don't believe in judging other people.  After writing yesterdays blog about accepting what I cannot change and moving on... my new motto for my present is that I accept it.  I dream for my future, I dream big...  I am going to attain everything I want... I am very focused.

I cherish my past, I accept my present, I dream for my future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

A Weakness Can Become Your Biggest Strength

I have so much going on in my mind, I am finding it hard to focus on one thing... I realized something last night, I think when David and I first separated we probably shouldn't have talked for six months to a year... it would have given me time to heal.  Now that option has come and gone, we worked through the pain to stay friends, to be there for each other.

I am living proof that you can remain friends with a man you were passionately in love with and somehow it didn't work out.  I don't recommend it for everyone but I feel that David was worth the hard work, I think he feels the same way.  The choices we have in life are never easy, if they were than we would never grow beyond who we are now.

I want to live big, be myself and do the things I am meant to do... this is what I am striving for now.  I rarely dream big enough, because deep down I haven't believed that I deserve that... well I deserve that.  I am going to tell myself this everyday until it is second nature. 

There have been many weaknesses that I have turned into strengths, such as getting over my shyness to now being able to talk to just about anyone... There's not much I cannot overcome or succeed in if I put my mind to it, now to work on one of my biggest weaknesses... I can just imagine how great of a strength it will be to me in the future.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

My Odd Dream

I had an odd dream last night where I was trying to make a decision and each time I tried to go with what I wanted; I felt pulled to go another way I didn't want to go. That way was final, no doors left open...  I then felt if I listened that what I wanted most would be made available to me.

It was up to me to make the decision...  what do I want?  Do I want true happiness? Or do I want what only brings me joy occasionally?  I have a lot to think about, a lot of ideas need to be weighed out in my mind.

2012 was the year my heart was broken, it will forever be a sad year for me.  I'm looking forward to 2013 and some better times; I've already started My Jar Of Happy Memories with spending Christmas day with Valentina, she's very entertaining company.

That odd dream made me think about some decisions I have to make, I keep waffling as I want things my way.  I don't want to give up because that's like quitting... and I never quit.

The dream, however; made me think that I might not know best; maybe I just have to let go, set myself free and be open to new possibilities...  no it wouldn't be easy, hence why I've not gone there yet, it's going to be hard.  So incredibly hard, I will want to give in every other day...

Life was easier before my odd dream...

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Love To Love

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love." ~ LEO BUSCAGLIA

I had a lovely day at church today, which is always based on loving each other.  Really loving each other and not looking for anything in return. For when we truly love each other, love comes back to us in ways we could never comprehend.  When we love and look for it in return, we become disillusioned, since it rarely comes to us the way we give it out.

As everyone who knows me or reads my blog knows that I have always desired to have one true love, someone to be there for me and me there for him.  It hasn't worked out that way for me and I became disillusioned... I felt as if God, the universe and the world had let me down.  When in reality, I had that love all along... I just refused to see it since it wasn't in the package I had dreamed it would be. It came as friendship love. 

The quote above by Leo Buscaglia reminded me that I need to stop looking for my love and just love everyone and not look for what I think I deserve.  My Heavenly Father knows my heart and he wants me to be happy; the true way to happiness is to lose myself in love and service. 

This last time that I had the opportunity and blessing to love, I nearly let it destroy me... because I wanted it my way.  By doing this, I nearly destroyed what I loved, I am still working on fixing it, hoping he will see that I was afraid, afraid that no one would love me.  I was wrong, I needed first to love myself and second to know that love comes in ways we don't always see right away.

"The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you.  Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can." ~ Neil Gaiman

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Setting Small Goals

I have to say I honestly do not miss TV, I thought that it was going to be so challenging and difficult.  Maybe it's because there are only repeats on but I'm really not even thinking about what I might be missing.  I think I could go without the TV, not so sure my little Valentina could do without it, I think it would be great for her as most of the shows she watches are really mindless.  However; that will be her decision, mine is to just have her cut back, which she is doing.

One week into the cleanse and I am really grateful, it's not easy but I know that it will help to center me, I really need that, I was so very lost for the last month.  I was sure that I could not take another let down, I had dealt with too much.  Now that I am one week into this, my focus is a bit more clear, I am not saying life is beyond wonderful at the moment but it is better.  I don't feel like crying every other second.

My leg has not and is not healing, I see the specialist on September the 4th, with Cindy (my sitter and good friend).   I need someone there who will make the doctor see that it is NOT good, the last time he looked at it he said, that looks good... REALLY???  I do not want to see what he thinks looks bad!  That must be beyond horrible.  Anyhow, I do think somethings will be set in motion and finally I will have a plan to have my leg looked after.

Either way, I will be ready to start to run, probably a lot of walking to begin with, we all have to start somewhere.  I am really super excited about finally starting.  Probably just another week... then I will be unstoppable.  I am not even going to run to lose weight, it might be a by product, I just want to feel strong and healthy, that is my goal.

I am praying so much for my "D's" son Chris, I worry non stop about David and his son.  Especially since my "D" is so far away from him and he's not able to get home right now.  In this moment all of his emotions and attention are on Chris as it should be.  I will double my efforts with prayer, he really needs some good news, he's lost his faith a little.  I don't want him to feel as if all he's had are non stop trials, something good has to happen for him soon.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone

“Don’t Know What You’ve Got Till It’s Gone. The Truth Is, You Knew Exactly What You Had; You Just Thought You’d Never Lose It.”

  A day later and it's not all better, did I really think it would be?  Of course it doesn't help that I may have slept for 3 hours if I was lucky.  When your world is falling apart around you, the last thing you can do is sleep; not until I'm so exhausted I finally pass out.  That sweet sleep comes so that I don't have to think.

What happens instead, I dream... I can't get release even in my sleep.  My mind has no way to rest and now my heart gets into it and without sleep, I'm way more emotional than usual.  My heart and I are apologizing to each other, me for telling it. it was okay to come out and love and my heart for jumping at the chance when it knew much better.  We are both in pain, I can't blame my heart, I caged her up for 23 years, never giving her a chance.  So when she took her chance I couldn't blame her. She just wanted what I wanted, to be loved and needed.

I could sit here for the rest of my life and analyze this situation every which way that is possible and it still won't change anything... my life will still be the same and I still won't have answers.  I have been in pain before... pain that I thought was unbearable, I couldn't have been more wrong.  Today I felt a wave of pain crash over me that I was sure I wouldn't be able to handle it.  I thought I had really felt the depth of pain but there is always more to bear.  More given to us to challenge us, help us grow... appreciate the happy times.

 I sure hope those happy times come back quickly, I can't be sad forever right?  It's been almost 10 years since a very good friend of mine died in a car crash, August 3rd is the anniversary.   10 years since I have been able to talk to her, she was a great sounding board... we really got along well.  What I am going through now is almost like the loss of a best friend.

 I crave sleep, real sleep, not the dreaming kind.  I would prefer to dream of nothing important right now.  I desperately need to sleep so I can get some focus back.  I know that my emotions are right on the surface due to my lack of it, if I could just relax long enough to fall asleep, it would help if I could stop thinking so deeply.  Here's hoping and praying for some much needed and desired sleep tonight.

 "The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

We Are Capable Of So Much More

What are we capable of?  Why are we so sure we know what we ourselves are capable of?   We expect the least amount from ourselves, we say it's too hard, too long and haven't we failed many times before??

How about we live up to our potential and prove to ourselves that for once we deserve to believe in ourselves.  I'll take the giant leap first, I believe we all deserve to succeed just as much as the next person.

What are you truly capable of if you really believe in yourself?  Can you lose the weight you need to lose?  Can you get the job you want?   What is it that you want?  I believe in myself, I've seen that I would be close to succeeding then I would do something to expect less, then I would get less.


It all comes back to getting exactly what you expect.  I have not expected to get the fairytale ending... hence I have not attained it.  After last week, I really started to believe that the fairytale ending can and will happen for me.  Then I heard one thing that made it very possible and then a second thing that made it even more possible.  It is only a matter of time, all I ever had to do was believe.

I probably won't be posting until late Thursday or early Friday.  I'm going to spend the next few days studying for my CPA course.  It depends on how motivated I am to blog with all the studying I have to do.  I can't wait to be free from this CPA course, then I can concentrate on my blog.  Plus I can hardly wait to catch up on other peoples blogs. I miss so many of you guys, I cannot even just name a few, I think there is at least 50 blogs that I follow regularly and another 15-20 that are sporadic.  I am excited to see how everyone is doing.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield 

Dream Big

I believe in dreaming big, if you dream small, you get small.  If you dream big you might not get everything you want but you get so much more.  I've had some dreams that seemed unattainable to others, I just knew they were meant to happen for me.

If I listened to all the negative things people said I would still be where I was when I was 18.  I refused to think that was the best that I could do. Sometimes I come off a little full of myself, it's not that at all, I just believe in myself.  We all need to do that more often, repeat after me, I am awesome, I am amazing!   You are too you know!!

I have actually made something of myself, I was a single mom at the age of 18, on the welfare system.  That was NEVER good enough for me.  I took courses, worked part time, I eventually worked two jobs around the clock until I was finally able to hold down one fairly decent paying job.

I did everything I could to make sure my daughter did not become a statistic, she didn't.  She is successful and happy. She is married to the man of her dreams, she has a career she loves, a home and most important she is a mama to her beautiful son Jackson.

I'm so proud of her that she didn't just give into her circumstances.  She could have, that would have been easy but like me she wanted better for herself.  I am expecting wonderful things from my Valentina.  I think as parents we have to expect the best, otherwise our children will settle.

I don't mean that we choose our children's lives for them because that is wrong, they have to make their own choices for them to be happy.  I just really think we need them to know that we expect their best.  I am about excellence and not about mediocrity.  Too many people settle.

I'm not settling for anything, I expect the best, especially from myself.  I'm a firm believer that children do as you do, not as you say.  So I'm setting the bar high but very achievable.  I want to teach my children something very important, for them to progress they always have to live outside their comfort zone.

I've written lists of what I want in 1 year, 3 years and 5 years. Some are wacky and out there but I don't care, I'm out to prove the universe gives you what you ask for, which is whatever you want.

"Everything you want, also wants you" ~ Jack Canfield

Right Here And Now

Just because I know what is meant to be doesn't make life any easier, sometimes I think it is harder, which is kind of unfair.  Life is anything but fair though, nor is it easy.  I guess that if it was as easy as we wished it was, we wouldn't have to have faith. This whole weekend has been about having faith.  Nothing is given to us without first putting forth a lot of effort then having faith.

If I were to give up as quickly as the  world thinks I should, where would I be? Not as far along as I am, yet I can always be better.  I need to start having more faith in myself; I really need to believe in myself as my family and friends do.

I have a dream I know I am meant to achieve; it's a big dream.  The kind that is scary but can be so rewarding.  I think that it's one of the reasons that I am not getting my hearts desire at this moment in my life.

For if I did get exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't live up to my full potential.   I would be too content and yes there is such a thing as being too content.  We always need to be stretching ourselves to be better, otherwise we cannot give of ourselves through service.

I read in 'The Daily Love' by Mastin Kipp how we have to be whole so that we attract whole people and that we need to love ourselves and people in our lives as they are right now.  Real and honest love truly is not just loving a persons potential, it is about loving the person where they are now.  I don't think there is anything wrong with seeing potential in the people we love.

Where the problem lies as Mastin says and I believe, is when we become disillusioned with who we love because they cannot see all that we can see.  That is how relationships and marriages end; we seem to refuse to love the people in our lives for who they are right here and now.

Life Decision

 "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy."  Walter Anderson

 Isn't it sad when a dream you've had doesn't work out the way you KNOW it should have, people do have their own free agency, I have to accept that. What did I learn from this?  There's always something to learn.

Some lessons are harder than others:/.  I learned that even when life does not go in the direction I want it to go, that cutting myself off is not the way to go. I have cut myself off in the past because the pain has been unbearable.  This time I felt it, I sobbed non stop for a full day; I wondered if I would ever be able to stop crying. 

The old me would have did any number of things to push the pain down, not healthy things either.  Although this pain that I felt was almost beyond what I thought I could handle, I went through it clear headed, sobbed, talked and finally made a decision.

I had to decide which pain was more worth it.  The pain of not having someone I want in my life and cutting them out so I could heal?  Or maintaining the relationship for what it is even if my dream is dying.  I decided that maintaining it would be more beneficial to me, although difficult; it was better then the alternative.  Also I remembered how Tony cut me out of his life because he didn't feel he could just be friends with me... the feeling was awful and I could not do this to another person that I love more than anything else next to my children.

I just needed to breathe, think and relax; getting off social media helped.  I had nothing to hide behind, nothing:/.   I had to really ponder, also I went out to visit a few people and I left my problems out of the visit.  I just stopped making it all about me, it's not all about me.  I don't want to be selfish, I want to be selfless. 

When I say selfless I don't mean that I'm not going to take care of myself, that is the only way I can be of any good to anyone else.  What I mean is that life does not revolve around just me, there's a bigger picture.

So dreams go by the wayside or maybe they just change.  The future isn't written yet.   The one thing I knew for sure was that I had to come to terms with it so that I could feel less sad.  There's hope for me yet.

I love this song, When She Danced... there is so much truth in this song in the line that says  "If you ask me to choose between a memory or two

When it's said and done, I'll take the one who's love I had to lose"

This song say all the words I feel about David:

I never thought that I could feel a love so tender

Never thought I could let those feelings show

But now my heart is on my sleeve

And this love will never leave

Dare To Dream

"Limitations live only in our minds.  But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless."  Jamie Paolinetti


When I think about seeing my potential as God/Universe sees it, it makes me remember that it is limitless.  It is not just limitless for me, it is for all of us, I really think that this scares many of us, not that we cannot succeed but that we most certainly can.  What is stopping us from reaching our potential?  For me, it has been knowing exactly what I should be doing, I don't know what everyone's purpose here is, I only know what mine is; knowing it and delivering it are two different things.

One of my greatest fears is that I will take the correct direction and then fail, have I not failed many times before?  Have I not set goals before and let myself down?  I really and truly want to succeed this time, the closer I get to my goals.  The more conflict I have in gaining them, the more I see that I need to continue on this path.

What am I willing to give up to succeed?  Hasn't it been proven over and over that when we  give up what we think is important that we are blessed in multiple ways?  Why would we want to give up those blessings?  Unrealistic fear of anything cannot be good, for it stops us from rising to our full potential... since there is very little that I desire in the way of materialism, I find that I am hit with the more important things.  I have to really believe that if I just let all that I want go, there will be even better and more wonderful blessings ahead.

The funny thing is that somehow 'we' think we know what is best for us?  When in fact we never dream a big enough dream for ourselves for fear of failure... or fear of success; I believe these two go hand in hand.  Either way we prevent ourselves from growing to the potential we are so capable of rising towards.

Our strength often increases in proportion to the obstacles imposed upon it.  Paul De Rapin

Don't Wait For Tomorrow, Dream It Today

Treat today like it was tomorrow. Think about what you want for tomorrow and manifest it today. No excuses... just live your dream now! ~ Colette Brown


I have given up on all the old excuses that I have had in the past, anytime I am afraid... I am just going to do it.  Every time I face a fear, I am going to get stronger... I'm stronger already.. I want to thank David for seeing that in me and not letting me hide under the fear... he never lets me say I can't do it, he tells me every time we talk that I can do it... he expects nothing but the best from me, so now I only expect the best from me too. 


I've lost 44 lbs since February, I know I am going to need another push to get me to the next mile stone, the weight is coming off slower.  I've be walking sporadically when the weather permits, I need something more reliable.  I'm questioning myself on how much I want to lose this weight. 


If I want to lose it, I'll put all my efforts into it without any excuses.  When I'm on my own, I have NO desire for junk food; yesterday was my Valentina's birthday and so I allowed myself a small (and I do mean small) piece of cheesecake and one Ferrier Roche Chocolate. I wouldn't even have that type of food in my house but I have to learn that it will be around and I have to say no. 

I also need to kick up the exercise, one of the girls at work is trying out a personal trainer for a week free.  I've asked her to have him contact me, the worst thing that could happen was that I could learn some new tactics for weight loss. At best I might be able to figure out how to keep him so that I can reach my goal that much quicker. 


It's time to live my dream fully and to start today!  I will have all that I hope and wish for, I am tenacious and I will never give up until I have attained each and everyone of my dreams!!